In concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma

>in concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma
>The guard in the watchtower shines his searchlight on me

>walk out of bathroom, across the lobby
>realize other patrons are staring at me, aghast and fearful
>Sergeant of Concessions Security screams for me to stop moving
>realize I walked into the anti-theater hopping minefield

bump

>arrive to cinema 30 minutes before my movie starts
>still have time so decide to hop into the cinema showers
>I hear a soap falling down (with too much force though, as if it had been thrown) in front of me
>I feel someone tap my shoulder, turn around and see pic related smiling at me

I woke up 3 hours later, still in the showers. I missed my film and couldn't even get a refund when I complained at the Master Falconner

>go to the cinema with friends
>enjoy movie

>get some needle nose pliars
>break the chains on all the poop scissors in the cinema bathroom and steal them
>come back a couple hours later after the film
>see shit leaking into the hallway because the toilets can't handle people's monster turds

>go to local kínoráma
>buy a ticket for Avengers: Rise of the Vulva for 74,99$
>the cashier leans over the counter handing me the ticket and a polymer-framed, short recoil-operated, locked-breech semi-automatic Glock pistol
>the ticket says "Congratulations, today you're the designated cinema shooter, have fun operating!"
>I nod at the cashier, she nods back
>sit on the far left near the first row
>wait for the ads and trailers to pass, slightly nervous
>opening credits finally start
>I immediately get up and shoot up the whole row
>whole theater get's up in excitement and start clapping and cheering as I reload
>I proceed to shoot up the whole theater with a tear in my eye, trying my hardest not to make anyone feel ignored
>the kids birthday section were visibly the most excited
>as I finish the cinema staff comes in congratulating and sweeping the spilled popcorn, guts and blood
>they even let me keep the Glock
>manager even sends me a thank you card at my home for the good work

Best 74,99$ ever spent.

>mfw the anvil meme didn't really take off

>didn't really take off
wut
Where were you last year

It's dead jim

>no theater midwife and it's "pregnant women get in half off day"

Nice scheduling fuck up , Loews

>be in line up for Emoji Movie
>wear mom's boyfriend's clothes as distraction
>the virgin detection dog starts sniffing your crotch

get out

>be me
>going to watch "girls' Night out" with my wife's daughter
>Wife didn't come because she wanted to redecorate the house
>had to take the kinorail from my house
>Could skip the penis inspections if I had a minor with me, but the catch was that she would have to get her pussy sniffed for explosives.
>I decide to undergo the penis inspection, got a 'S' and a chastity cage
>had to tip the guy 50% (kinoplex policy)
>go in to watch the movie
>my wife's daughter had to sit in the cunny row
>She had the anvil with her
>The designated shooter had a submachine gun
>The glint from her anvil shone on his eyes and she was killed on the spot
>Instructed my falcon to take his eyes out
>robert heard this and stopped the movie for a rare kinorevenge match
>me vs the designated shooter, who was a 13 year old
>he had a gun
>ask him where his other gun is
>he was confused
>teleported behind him
>kicked his ass
>got a replacement blow-up doll from the insurance company
>couldn't leave the doll at the kinoplex because I didn't want to pay a fine
>came home, put the doll on the sofa and went into my bedroom
>my wife was asleep
>*squish* noises coming from the hall
>a nigger is fucking the blowup doll
>my falcon takes his eyes out and hands me his balls
>my wife is dead from shock
>I try to finish this unfunny pasta but it goes nowhere

>Designated shooter misses and hits my bucket of General Tsos Chicken

>in line to the PoC (people of color) side of the local kinoplex because i identify as asian (i watch anime exclusively) and the physical and mental requirements in the white side are much higher (VERY strict kinoguards and the popcorn mines and soda fields are merciless if you happen to end up in them)
>put my kinocard in the kin-o-matic, all is going well
>put my dick in the penis measurer's mouth and hold her head down
>she starts choking
>i smile because my penis is big enough
>just as i think i'm about to pass, the test supervisor tells me i failed because my penis is too big for an asian
>7 weeks of forced labor in the crab pools

>arrive at local kinosseum
>make it through foreskin detectors
>forgot it was penis inspection tuesday
>haven't bathed since last friday
>head to the showers to wash up
>aqueducts are down for maintenance
>fail penis inspection
>sentenced to 16 weeks in the popcorn mines

>Go to out of town kinostop
>Make my final payment for my ticket after paying 50% interest
>Film is IMAXIMUM 4D so need goggles
>Brought my own goggles to save money
>Pay concession stand fee rather than buy popcorn to save money
>They have extra staff in tonight so I have to tip 4 guards instead of the usual 2
>Adverts start playing have to wait 2 hours but I suppose the kinostop has to make money somehow
>Opening credits
>Screen turns black
>Counterfeit goggles detected
>Guards block every exit
>9 weeks in the blueberry fields

why was the dog a virgin?

Takes one to know one.

>visiting my local cinema/shootout zone
>order two tickets because of no singles policy
>say my date will arrive later
>guard give me a doubtful look but let me pass
>got two good seats all by myself
>lights turns off
>pre movie commercials start
>goes on for 45 minutes
>pre movie trailers start
>each trailer is 15 minutes and basically show the whole plot of the movie
>owner of the cinema holds a speech and congratulates every birthday kid in the audience
>the shooter is 15 minutes late
>shows up but had forgotten his ammo
>no birthday shootout for the birthday kids
>the audience is booing for a good 20 minutes
>the cinema sumo wrestler hits the gong
>"finally!" I think to myself
>nope, it's the pre movie circus show starting
>get up and leave, download a screener of the movie instead

>Arrive at the theater by myself
>ticket lady hands me my ticket and charges me 50% tax for buying single ticket
>whispers in my ear "you're the designated shooter today"
>Panic because I forgot to bring my hand gun
>Quietly go to the gun dispenser, next to the gummy bear one
>Shit, only have like $200, I guess I'll buy that little gun that shots .22 or something
>Only enough money left for a couple of boxes worth of ammo
>go to the ticket inspector, pass
>go to the penis inspector, almost fail because I didn't shave but I told them my falcon ate the razor. phew.
>Finally at the movie hall, it's dance number day so we have to do the thriller dance
>Luckily I'm just a background zombie and nobody notices my shit dance
>8:00pm Movie about to start, we just have to wait for half an hour of ads
>8:31 movie starts finally
>about half hour in, realize its a shit movie and leave
>go to the cinema showers to relax
>somebody stole my shampoo, use the one they give you there. My hair will be stiff all day ugh.
>change and leave for home
>midway realize I didn't shoot any one
>Panic again
>Run back but realize I have the neck collar that explodes if you enter with out paying
>Use the emergency exit
>start reloading my .22
>scream "S-SHOOTY M-MURDER TIME!"
>every one stands up and start clapping, some are mad at me for arriving late to kill them and giving me eyes
>h-here we go! plink-plank-plunk
>Everyone just standing there looking at each other like WTF?
>Forgot that everyone in america is immune to .22 already because all the shooting and I had to use at least 7.92mm
>get arrested for failed mass shooting
>Police need to bring a designated shooter from another room
>mfw

How to rape at theater? Yes?

>>>/africa/

>arrive at the filmothèque to watch a double feature of feminist iranian kinœs
>ticket is free but i have to pay the boipussy virgin fee of 99.99€ because i haven't been blacked by the designated bull since mid july
>pass the ticket inspector after the compulsory bulge compliment
>pass penis inspection because it's saturday and the girth rule isn't enforced
>sit on a buttplugged seat because it apparently increases the chance of winning the special prize by a 20%
>suddenly, judith butler appears on stage, everyone cheers
>she explains that the designated shooter won't be coming but we will get a designated bomber instead, straight from Syria
>everyone cheers
>the first move stars and i immediately fall asleep
>mfw i won the special prize
>it was 24 months of forced labor in the lube mines

>playing poker with usher to win ticket
>get two aces
>bet romantic comedy and popcorn
>dealer calls
>check the flop
>usher raises me flick and nachos
>go all in with kino and crab legs
>lose
>have to see capeshit

>it's a mobility scooter compatible megakinoplex and the kinodoctor exempted me from popcorn mining

Do americans really do this?