Spider-man (1967) Never Step on a Scorpion

Sup Forums I've come to Gargan. Today's episode features the Scorpion and Jameson's plans for first degree murder. Enjoy!

THE STORY BEGINS AT AN UNASSUMING HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY ON A CLEAR AND STORM-FREE NIGHT

Fuck Marvel, Fuck Disney, Fuck Capcom, they'll never put me in a movie or Marvel vs. Capcom 4. If I train hard enough maybe I'll be able to crossover into the next Mortal Kombat game or they'll make Marvel Versus MK! Just imagine the opportunities! I could fight their Scorpion to see who's better and I could get with Mileena and all the fans would ship it! Come on Ed Boone make it happen!

But NOOOOOOO everyone's taking me for granite thinking I'm just another lousy Dr. Octopus.

Look at how tough I am with my tail dick! Look at that rare combination of length and girth! Octavious can't compare with this!

I slice, I dice, I cut cookiecutter shapes in solid steel. Act now and you get me FREE for half off!

Doctor Stillwell: Sooo Jameson what do you think of my latest and greatest creation? I was planning on spending the entire week making him but like God, I procrastinated until the last day. Pretty good eh?

He's beautiful! Worth every penny! You're getting a 5 star yelp review for sure! Is he potty trained? Nah Never mind I'll do it myself. Stuff that man in an envelope, I want him in my office tomorrow morning!

Nigga you serious? I haven't completed all my tests yet! I wouldn't let him loose on the world yet.

The world?! No. I'm not interested in the world, I want him set loose on SPIDER-MAN

Jameson: Since you wouldn't make me RAID-man I figured the Scorpion is the next best thing! He's an arachnid, right? That makes him a spider and what better thing to kill Spider-man than another menace!

Dr. Stillwell: But scorpions aren't spi-

Jameson: Don't interrupt! The customer is always right!

Aw yiss, saturday night spidermang!

DON'T YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT ME LIKE I'M NOT HERE. I HEARD EVERYTHING YOU SAID you- you- YOU DOUBLE MEANIES

Peter: Betty perhaps you and I could I mean maybe we could go to um maybe sometime soon maybe would together we she be eat um... I mean...

*gulp*

THE TIME IS NOW user. Thanks for stopping by

Well don't stop now, Peter, finishing the fucking sentence.

MS. BRANT HELP MY CIGAR'S LODGED IN MY THROAT AGAIN AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT

Thanks that's better. ANYWAYS! Good news everyone! You know how Spider-man's alive right now?! I paid to fix that!

JJ: Hold all my calls, I have to plan the wake and after party. Let's see... I'll need a, Dobson castle, Dashcon pit, male and female strippers, balloons...

That all? Anyways Peter, you were saying?

Sorry to interrupt but I love these threads bless you op

Sorry Betty! I forgot I uh have to go home and um think up of an excuse and... BYE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT MAN. I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS TO GET LAID AND HE NEVER GETS THE HINT. I COULD LAY HERE SPREAD-EAGLED WITH SLUT WRITTEN ACROSS MY NAKED BODY WITH BODY PAINT AND HE STILL WOULDN'T GET THE HINT

Am I losing my touch? I used to be able to go months without having to pay for a meal or a drink but now...

At least I have you, anons, you would never let a flirtatious woman get away, right?

Jameson's really stepping up his game. I thought he just wanted pictures not a body bag! I need to figure out what he's up to!

You're very welcome. Interruptions ain't no thing.

So I creep yeah
Just keep it on the down low

One thing i'd love to see is a voiced adaptation of this or the fantastic four series.

JJ: Yeah? The Scorpion is out looking for Spider-man right now? GREAT! And being from the media I'll be able to scoop all the Bugle's rivals!

What software would be good for editing the footage of the episodes anyways? That's come up and I'd love to attempt it but don't know how to go about it.

A scorpion? That's Jameson's secret weapon? I should probably find him before he finds me. Oh I hope he's one of those translucent kinds! They're so cool!

Where could that Scorpion be? They like cool and dark places so on a rooftop in the middle of the day is the natural place to look.

Sadly my knowledge of video editing isn't all that great, but maybe adobe premiere or sony vegas would do the trick?

Right behind you, Spider-man! And you're finished!

I dunno, I'd have to extend, shorten scenes and change mouth movements at the very least.

Scorpion: And I have the drop on you!

Spider-man: I hate it when they get on the drop on me!

SCORPION USED TAIL WHIP

He missed me! But that poor billboard is falling to its death!

*thwip*

Sign, I'm glad you don't have a spine.

You stay safe and I'll come back and read you later.

HE'S NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ME ME ME ME ME ME!

Just aim for him and use the ol' tail spring to hit him before he knows what's comin' heh heh heh

SCORPION USED TACKLE

You doing ok there buddy? Lose a contact or something? You weren't even close that time!

*huff* *huff* *wheeze*

I wonder if I climb down this and yell Ho Ho Ho enough I can trick some gullible and retarded child to give up some cookies and milk

YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME FOREVER! DON'T YOU KNOW THE NATURAL ENEMY OF A SPIDER IS A SCORPION!

NO CHIMNEY I DID NOT. TELL ME MORE NATURE FACTS

You're a piece of shit, Spider-man you know that? It's the end for you now.

Ok tough guy I'm listening. Let me hear your argument or at least lay out some bullet points about how I am finished.

THAT'S IT THIS CHIMNEY'S FINISHED.

He does that know jumpings my thing, right? I kind of feel sorry for the guy.

WHERE'D HE GO HE'S GOT TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE

Right behind you, genius. Rest in Pieces poor chimney you died doing what you loved, staying intact for smoke to pass through you.

Sticky spider webs can't move fffffuuuuuuuuu

Now listen here you little shit. If someone calls for you I'll let them know that you're all tied up.

YOUR WEBS CAN'T HOLD ME AND MY RAZOR SHARP CLAWS.

Well, gloves or at the very least unmanicured nails.

Spider-man: So we're back to square one eh? Now what?

NOW IT'S ALL OVER FOR YOU AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT. YEAH YOU, THE YOU I'M POINTING AT

Scorpion: Now your back is against the wall with nowhere to go!

Spider-man: My spider sense is tingling... or maybe it's just a little nippy out here I dunno

Before you try and do me in I'd like to say one thing.

I'm not saying that the Pyramids were built by aliens but it was probably aliens.

WHAM

FWOOOOOOOOOSH

SCORPION: I KNOW YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE SPIDER-MAN AND YOU'RE DOOMED I TELL YOU! DOOOOOOOOMED!

Spider-man: Imma just let him rant back it up nice and slooooow

Scorpion: RAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAH!

Huh I've done some more tests and having taken a long hard look at this scorpion's skeleton I've come to the conclusion that gene-slamming a man with a scorpion brings out the scorpions inherent evil nature.

I should probably have figured this stuff out BEFORE I sold Jameson an assassin but it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission! I should probably let Jameson know anyways

What's that Stillwell? The Scorpion is more dangerous than ever and a threat to mankind? GOOD!

Uh no you don't understand. You're a mankind! The Scorpion is a threat to you!

I didn't consider that! SHIT

Now where's the logical place for the Scorpion to go to now? That's it! Some place that's not on fire! Jameson's office!

Sucks for the burning orphanage but those kids are accustomed to tragedy, what's one more trauma to the pile?

BETTYDOYOUKNOWTHENUMBERTO911WELLSENDASMOKESIGNALAGREENDICKMONSTERISCOMINGTOKILLMEORUSIDON'TKNOWHEDOESN'TKNOWYOUVERYWELL

EXCUSE ME WHAT

ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT

RAWR

HEY WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

It's!
It's some sort of!
It's some sort of green goblin!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaawn
excuse me
Awww come on I don't even look like a goblin?

And I came here for hot chicks and the best here is some 2/10 redhead nevermind ick you don't even have freckles and way too much lipstick

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Spider-man: That girlish shriek! That could only be Jameson! I'm on my way JJ!

JJ: Don't! Don't come any closer! I-I'll pay you anything! You want a secretary! She's yours! She doesn't eat very much and she knows shorthand she types 306 words a minute! Just don't hurt me!

I'm really enjoying this incarnation of JJJ.

...

Hmmmmmm

Nah I'll go with the original plan but If she could get me some lemon tea with a bit of honey that'd be swell.

That's a new reaction face right there

Here I am!
Thanks for leaving the window open!

This show is full of em.

Spider-man: You can stop shaking now, Jameson!

Betty: Spider-man! Thank God!

Spider-man: Oh hai Betty

JJ: Spider-man's over there! You go over there too and fight it out to the death! I'll be the ref! I want a good clean match!

NO I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH STOP TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO I HATE THAT SO MUCH I'LL KILL YOU TWICE AND SPIDER-MAN ONCE.

Spider-man: You know the saying! If you try to chase two rabbits you'll something something lose to Spidey! And if you want to fight for Jameson's love and affection you'll have to go through me!

Scorpion: ALL THIS TALK IS CONFUSING ME AND MAKING ME ANGRY! ANGRY AT FLOORS!

Now I'm on the desk and that makes me the boss! And my first executive boss decision is to wrap things up.

Scorpion: Whoa! That's a lot!

Yeah! You get him Spider-man! I'll be there to tag in ... in a moment.

Spider-man: Looks like that's a wrap. Betty! Call the police!

HELLO, POLICE?

POLICE!

I NEED THE POLICE! NOT JUST ONE POLICE, ALL OF THE POLICE! SEND EVERY POLICE WE NEED ALL OF THE POLICE

THIS IS THE POLICE, RIGHT

THERE'S SOMEONE HERE WHO'S UNDER ARREST. SHOW YOURSELF

Oh my god you were right look at that face looks like he's in pure ecstasy

Oh that? He's right over here. I dislocated my arm to point in the direction of the Scorpion.

Eh could someone get a pair of scissors or a torch or something and get me loose?

I thought they were on drugs or exaggerating or it was some sort of allegory with that report of a giant scorpion but there he is! RIGHT IN MY SIGHTS

DAMN YOU JAMESON THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU MADE ME INTO THE MAN I AM TODAY AND I'LL GET YOU! I'LL KILL YOU I SWEAR ON MY HIDDEN INNER EXO-SKELETON! Oh and Spider-man I guess I should get around to killing you too someday.

Spider-man: Now look what you did! I hope you're happy with yourself, picklepuss. Next time you feel like genetically engineering yourself an assassin. Please. Don't.

JJ: My bad. Everyone makes mistakes. I was young, foolish.

Scorpion: Well, shoot. Today was not a good day.

Officer: Don't give me a reason to and I won't, bug boy.

JJ: Ms Brant! Tell them to stop the presses!

Betty: But they were already stopped!

JJ: THEN TELL THEM TO START THEM AND THEN STOP THEM AGAIN THIS IS IMPORTANT IT'S NOT EVERYDAY J. JONAH JAMESON SINGLE-HANDILY STOPS A MASKED SUPERCRIMINAL. MAKE SURE TO INCLUDE THAT I WRESTLED HIM NAKED ANCIENT GREEK STYLE.

NO PRISON CAN HOLD MAC GARGAN. I AIN'T NO GARGAN VARIETY CRIMINAL AND YOU'LL HAFTA DO MUCH BETTER THAN POOL NOODLE BARS TO KEEP SOMEBODY LIKE ME IN

Can't believe they bought the excuse of how my religion required me to wear this suit. That's New York for ya! Now! Time to get Jameson!

*ring ring*