Adultery and premarital sex don't exist in Arda, so Arwen was a virgin for 2,778 years

Adultery and premarital sex don't exist in Arda, so Arwen was a virgin for 2,778 years.

Pffft that's because that know it all elf ice queen couldn't get any!!! Not by choice!!!

Omg...her poor elf pussy...I can't even imagine a week without sex haha, that's crazy!

I know right???

And when she saw aragorn her pussy was like the falls of rauros.

None of the male elfs were able to pay childsupport on top of the high taxes.

Imagine being 18 and virgin

>virgins on this Scandinavian cave painting board thing they have it hard

They should make horror film about that lol!

>imagine liv tyler smiling at you

just what is the deal with her face?

LMAO you wrote thing instead of think. You didn't "thing" anyone would notice did you? You must be so embarrassed, you idiot

>When she raped that guy in the leftovers
Wew

You guys have no idea how delicate Elven females are in LOTR.

Imagine having a three some with Liv Tyler and Kate Beckinsale

it's qute :3

Why do so many people pretend to be women lately?

>Orlando bloom got to nail that every day when shooting Fellowship

Explain?

For the (You)s

How do you go from this...

What's Aragorn primae noctis policy?

Yes

...to this?

>Adultery and premarital sex don't exist in Arda
believing (((elvish))) lies

.....Anybody else slowly leaned in and softly kissed their monitor?

courtesy of /tg/

Tolkien's elves consider sex and marriage the same thing according to the Professor himself, and it's always done for procreation purposes. This is apparently a literal racial trait, not a cultural one, common among all elves.
Thus any attempt to have sex with one before marriage would need to be rape. Professor Tolkien also said that it is effectively impossible to rape an elf because "the link between their body and soul is strong" that such an action would kill them from despair and grief.

that's how elves get their magic power.

this is going to sound fucked up but that still sounds like you can rape an elf

...

Imagine banging Liv Tyler while Steve Tyler tickles and massages your balls and gives you moral support, what a bro

You would fuck a corpse.

>Not using elf purity magic

Tolkein's elves are kind of bullshit tbqh

There's no way a race consisting of males and females that procreate through binary sex are going to be this ridiculous about it.

No, just that the act is still rape even if they die. Unless their bodies like evaporate before the rapist could put it in or something.

Yeah but what was her tax policy?

I would unironically be ok with Steve being my dad-in-law

dead bodies =/= people

you can't rape a corpse because a corpse has no rights.

Even if we take that as true which I don't necessarily agree with you had to begin the rape to kill the elf. So you can, in fact, rape an elf. A short rape is still a rape.

Man this is a weird conversation.

What kind of dildos do female elfs use on middle earth?

Is it a complete rape if you don't cum?

Unless they live forever, thus negating the necessity of procreation. Think before you speak, dude.

First of all you'd have to be powerful/skilled yourself to capture and restrain a female elf.
You'd be killing her upon penetration because you're not connected with her soul.
The body dies and you're fucking a corpse.

Depends how quickly the death happens. It might be as soon as the realization hits that there is no escaping the situation
Of course it is
>as can clearly see in the video, Your Honor, I pulled out before finishing so it's just minor sexual harassment, not rape. I'll take my 200 hours of community service, thank you very much

i saw ure pusy in leftovers!!

>just what is the deal with her face?

She's Steven Tyler's daughter.

>elves are immortal and can fly
>get killed by orcs
Is Tolkien retarded?

I didn't mean legally. I meant in the eyes of the rapist.

>What kind of dildos do female elfs use on middle earth?
They're elves. Wooden ones, with flowery patterns.

Same for the males.

>can fly

What?

How is that relevant in any shape or form?
>I fucked that girl but I pulled out, what is this bullshit judgement?
If we're going for subjectivity, you should be checking the victim's point of view, who might consider it rape before any penetration occurs.

>Middle Earth passes to the lordship of men and not the far superior Noldor

REEEEEEEEE

Orcs are corrupted elves.

but aren't orcs more primitive since the evolution of civilization tends towards order

Baaaaaam

>the evolution of civilization tends towards order
Is this bait?

by having a groupie whore of a mother, that was riding so many rock star cocks she didn't even know which one knocked her up.

>tfw no pure elven waifu
Why go on?

here's to fine elven women lads'

Ok, no meming, how do orcs reproduce? And what about Uruks?

Why the fuck would you drool over elven women?

Aren't they really light? When you'd need them to step on your cock and crush your balls with their sexy toes, you'd feel like no weight

but I thought that elf rape was literally how uruks were made

uruks are not orcs

uruks and orcs are not same you fucking bigot

Only applies to elves.
And since pretty much all of them went west after Sauron was defeated, it's a moot point.

Some autist wrote about what elf genitalia would really be like based on what can be inferred from Tolkien. It was terrifying.

youre all retarded
arent uruks human and orc

Forget the Elf women.
Elrond's Great Great Great Grandfather(therefore a distant ancestor of Aragorn), Elwe, managed to bed a Maia named Melian.

What sort of game do you have to have to fuck an angel?

Found it, (1)

First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be gwî, but for everyday usage gwib was the preferred term. Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for Fëanor's johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT's intention is the guiding light for inferred details of the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them "gnomes" rather than "elves," a detail that reflects his internal monologue about them and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus we are left to interpret the idea of gnomes-- a Paracelsean ideology tied closely to alchemy-- and of their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves) but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

I thought uruks were made by breeding orcs with humans.

link?

what makes me angry that hollywood didnt picked her up in her primes, only her gf Alicia silverstone

(2)

I discern here between dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in a sexual light. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your fucking eye out while you're trying to slip em the suck.

I feel that it is, however, more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. A Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand or more years and sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overt sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf, which rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, but leaves us with less to go on than we might need, if we're gonna pour a giant silicone elf dick.

(3)

Ah, but now we've alluded to reproductive evidence of elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). We can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing Laws and Customs of the Elves (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. Elves are incapable, it seems, of adultery, which actually kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse, which carries over into the Silmarillion, when Fëanor's father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who has died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and the consequences of promiscuity can be literally fatal.

fuck off nixxiom

Not him, but I think Melkor made the first orcs by corrupting and ruining the flesh and souls of captured elves. As an act of spite.

(4)

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this begs the question of how to confer them to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I am getting a horrible idea and I will refer back to this concept in a moment.

That doesn't mean Aragorn didn't fuck her up the ass

(5)

So assuming that extramarital sex results in autoimmune-induced death similar to anaphylaxis in mechanism, we ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility-- which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all-- we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring, all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it is foolish to imagine that in all of Ardan history there was never a potential ellyn-woman romance that resulted in offspring, unless there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste-- anyone who's met a teenager can tell you better than that-- but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. Either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level-- something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Do elvs have buttholes?

(6)

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the ellyn just can't get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can't even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it's almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-ass shit, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

Male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are "innies" or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own... and yet the elven vulva must be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth coupling wouldn't produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by constriction, by restricting venous return through strangulation.

(7)

ISomething that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings more rare and account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the ellyn to contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells reliably, potentially through urethral penetration of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal, and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune bodies deep in the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic-- and immune-- material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves, and therefore no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

had to look this up cause I didn't know who/what you were talking about. You sub to some really shitty things user.

They are light but not that light.

(8)

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that can never get you pregnant, but he's likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the fuck around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you're totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don't mind her tentacles crawling up your dick every time you shark her in the ass while she's asleep, and as long as you don't mind that she can totally cheat on you and in fact might have chosen to fuck you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

Aragorn was one kinky-ass fucker.

And if you read all the way through this drunken, giggling spiel, the silicone elf dick you're looking for is of normal to generous proportion, but it's strangled up and down with simulated tentacles, or at least constricted by a really tight cock ring.


I thought way the fuck too much about this. I consulted the LACE about this. Fuck every last one of you for goading me into this nightmare of grisly overanalytic humiliation. I hope all your girlfriends catch you.

Uruk are orks, kind of. Treebeard thought they were a cross between men and orcs and that's never really dispelled but never really proven. They were used well before Saruman though, I think starting with Sauron but I can't remember in which age they started appearing. They were sort of lost or forgotten after isildur and the call of Sauron until Saruman revived them, slightly altered and improved

>a virgin for 2,778 years.
I could probably last that long if humans lived that long.

You can. Arwens mother faded away in lothlorien, she didn't just go poof the instant it happened

I get why he envisioned these sort of qualities, (as theses would truly the ideal race for someone with Tolkien's conservatism and traditionalism), but it's incredibly stupid in and of itself, and either should have not have been touched on, or to a lesser degree where it's not outright said the sex outside marriage is death, which I imagine might appeal to Tolkien.

It's never stated that she was actually raped but rather received a poisonous wound. In fact, there's no mention of rape at all in the universe. The closest thing is forced marriage and using magic or torture, or both to cause men to lower themselves to becoming orc-like - which they would then breed with each other.

I have an erection.

Sounds like a lot of sick, autistic speculation.

that's a lotta time folks
also, reminder that aragorn is 80 years old by the end of the trilogy

...

damn. imagine how strong her wizard powers were

>wraith
>invulnerable to attack from all but his most hated foe: woman
Was the Witch King the lord of the NEETs?

Something I've never had clarified: After age 30 when you get your powers, if you were to finally have sex, do you still get to keep them, or are they stripped away?

you keep them, but can't become Wraith

tfw middle school badass, yet still hate myself

I never understood 15 being "middle school badass". When I was 15 I was already a sophmore in high school.

Its just burgers and their lack of education, they typically get held a year or two back and think its normal.