How would Sup Forums reboot Jesus's origin story?

How would Sup Forums reboot Jesus's origin story?

He doesn't get born until he actually arrives on earth
No Jesus boy stories
The devil is a master businessman and not some wacko
Depower him a little

>Jesus stories
>Not superior Matamoros
Jesus is too OP.

As a lesbian woman

I'd just make the Doc Frankenstein version canon.

set in the same time period but with current politics semi relevant, big aspect of Joseph story is that hes the true definition of a cuck and need to either accept it or do something about it. and this is the same time as everyone around him spouting cuck as a derogatory word

Rucka Please.

what did he actually do? make her tight?

What is a hymen?

>Leave rebooting Jesus to me.
-Grant Morrison

king herod remains a major enemy of jesus throught his life and not just when he was a baby. at the end when jesus is about to get crucified Herod sees the errors of his way and tries to save his life but fails.

Resurrection takes place 1890 years later rather than 3 days later after the president assembles his corpse

...

Turbovirgin

you tell me.

Just bring it back to the Gospel of Mark version where Jesus is scary and cryptic as shit and doesn't have a clear origin. Baby Jesus isn't important. Adult Jesus is what's interesting, and the uncertainty as to whether we should really believe the guy and take him seriously is a cool way to carry a story.

Giving him an origin story is hack writing. Luke's gospel is trash.

Jesus the teenage years.

Jesus - Archie
Judas - Jughead
Mary Magdalen - Veronica
Pontius Pilate - Regie

Maybe his body parts were used as those catholic religious relics in churches around the world? Each one gives you one of his powers if you possess it. The MC travels around the world collecting them.

Make someone hate his guts for no reason - Geoff Johns

Jesus is resurrected to warn people of the coming apocalypse but no one believes him because he's come back as a loli.

damn, that's pretty rockin

was gonna post that one beefy jesus ripping his way off the cross with his enormous muscles but it feels sort of redundant now

Fund it.

As a shotocon doujin.

Jesus and his apostles are basically the justice league

...

Loli Jesus and her college age male sidekick most fight Satan and his armies by creating a team of religious figures that include Buddha, Krishna, Moses, and a lolicon Mohammad.

>his apostles

it's disappointing how few comics have tried this

fun premise but I never finished it

another notable one was the anti-christ and the second coming of christ hanging out in a bar refusing to do what their dads tell them to do because fuck you dad

>no rasdafarian symbols
Wow discriminadory much?

Byrne pls go.

...

Make him a black woman. Also cut out the crucifixion. Too edgy. It's 2016.

They really need to explain how Jesus dying on a cross saves the world. Ton of people died in crosses, what made Jesus so special. Even coming back from the dead isn't a big deal, the X-men do it all the time!

>implying any of the x-men can fire off loaves and fish to their followers
>can make party drinks using just water

there's a reason they don't serve wolverine wafers in church, lad

Next what? No twelve disciples either, because they are from a campy outdated era?

Jesus needs to go down in a blaze of glory

The dude she befriends is a Rastafarian that looks like Wooly from SBFP.

You do know he did have sex later with Mary right? James who wrote the book of James was one of Jesus' siblings.

You're getting your continuity mixed up. Remember, Wolverine was actually one of Jesus's disciples. Remember when Jesus passed out the infinite amount of "Fish"? It wasn't really fish, they just kept on slicing pieces of Logan off and giving it to the hungry masses. Logan would instantly heal, and everyone got fed!

Jesus just needs more tragedy and reality in his life. When he's resurrected, he learns that everything he's known about his origin was a lie and just false memories carved in his mind. His mother was actually raped by God to produce a super soldier to help God enslave the world. Now Jesus is a chain smoker who's out on a quest to stop God from destroying the world.

AND she's president of the student council for some reason and shacking up with some meek, unassuming, everyman high school freshman.

Nuh-uh! Catholic Canon is that Joseph never slept with Mary.

So how did James came about? Well we know Jame's mother is Mary and Joseph isn't the father so... It's Zip-a-Dee!


BTW, I'm not making this up, Zebedee literally is Jame's father.

Well for our modern day and age he would have to be a gay transexual with a sidecut who preaches about how evil white men are.

And Judas is a loli and.... it's not like Judas likes Jesus or anything....

With stands!

Someone needs to shop a gun into Jesus's hand
like he's holding it sideways gangsta style

>doesn't know
>y-you tell me!
Ok

Ooh, and have him get into recurring battles with his half-siblings that God made as a contingency plan, throughout the series.

Punisher kills Marlel Universe pls.

Spawn?

kikes are crazy

I have a better idea. It turns out Jesus was a satan's disciple all along.

I even know how the first issue would end.
It would be Jesus saying "Hail Satan" to his captor

I'd go with the ThreeA Fightin' J.C. version.

I would prefer Jesus Christ Z: The Quest for the Dragon Graal

I'd have him learn carpentry and use his God-powers to build a ship that can sail in the air. He would then travel around the world on it, feeding the hungry, healing the sick and teaching others how to do what he does until eventually saying he must go now, his planet needs him.
This would inspire mankind to seek out the stars.

No, have it where at times Jesus will look like a man, but other times where he take on very mild forms like the angels of heaven or his dad. Like a Lovecraftin deal, but he is a good guy with good intentions to save humanity.

Y'all need to quit playin' with JESUS.

Bukkake with the twelve apostles.

He's not scary in Mark, if anything he comes across as pretty chill. It would be good for a straight adaptation though, no nativity shit, and no ascending to heaven. Having a full page panel of the empty tomb as the ending would be cool.

>fun premise but I never finished it
Turns out he wasn't actually the reincarnation of Jesus.

His sister was.

Why not have Jesus battle Mohammed instead, who's another of God's herald?

I know, have Christian jesus fight muslim jesus (isa) to find who the real messiah is.

Jesus and the Devil work in different fast food restaurants right next to each other. Competing for customers and getting into all types of shenanigans.

Best line from that fight: "Stop hitting yourself, Stop hitting yourself."

The Son of God is a Part-Timer

Someone has already done so.

James the Just (Jesus' bro) and James, son of Zebedee (the apostle) are two different dudes. BroJames was either a son of Mary and Joseph or a son of Joseph from a previous marriage, depending on the tradition.

That is so fascinating how did it even come around to be?

Get Bendis to write it, and make the character black.

It's been done. Rebooted and Updated. It's called Richard Bach's "Illusions". It was a strip.

THIS thing. Nao

...

>make the character black.

Ennis already did that. This was my favourite version of Jesus as well as all of Christianity, by the way.

>make the character black

That's literally just the Green Mile.

>Wormwood

The demon?

But was it written by the incomparable Bendis?

Something not all virgin women even have to be technical

>he fell for the "I'm still a virgin, I just lost it while riding a bicycle" meme

>The demon?

The antichrist. He's also best friends with Jay, and they both told their fathers to go screw.

Yeesssss

Instead of being a snotty show-off who argues with rabbis as child he works hard in a merchant caravan and travels the mediterranean world until he marries a rich widow.

Afterwards he is visited by angels who tell him that he is god's prophet.

He starts preaching like regular old-continuity jesus but when people don't like what he is saying he doesn't back down like some pussy who kisses his disclipes and gets nailed on cross soon after.

Instead he goes to another town, takes it over and starts to wage war upon his old hometown. Fastforward a decade or two of brutal desert warfare he has taken over his old hometown, slaughtered his opponents and is ready to spread love and harmony all across gods domain, until one of his concubines poisons him after bearing some petty grudge about him excecuting her entire family a few years back.

Luckily, his familia is ready to pick off from where he left off and, save for couple silly intersectional differences his word is spread all across the known world.

Sounds like it'll be an explosive hit.

Gnosticians pls leave

I think the best thing about that is how nonchalantly it says Jesus had brother named Isukiri who just went on cross instead.

You do know why we're rebooting Jesus, right? Because the continuity makes no sense, is full of holes and retcons and people get their fake fan-fic confused with actual continuity. But remember, the actual continuity is so full of holes that a "real" continuity can't really be made. It's like trying to find out what year Byrne's Superman graduated from high school. Also, for some reason everybody has the same name (Frankly, I think they're they same people but by calling them new people you get to add characters to the story and make better fan-fic)


Every single James in the Bible has a mother named Mary. Every single one! The question is, are the various James a single person or multiple people? Is Mary "Virgin Mary" or a completely new Mary? The bible doesn't really give them descriptors or explain itself. When written nobody thought people would comb the book trying to find out who

According to tradition James the apostle and James Jesus's brother are the same man.

There's a thin line between love and hate.

Jesus-->Krusty Krab. Devil-->Chum Bucket.

The thing is, if you actually read the bible there are a bit too many contradictions. It's like, is Cyborg Superman an Earth scientist or is he Kryptonian? Is he white or black? Nobody knows.


Despite everyone thinking they're the same person for thousands of years, people have decided that James and James are actually two different people because of various continuity slips. How can Jimmy Olsen help Superman in Countdown when he was with Chloe Sullivan in his own comic book? Some people think James is even Three different people. Various traditions answer the various continuity questions differently but don't think there is a "real" continuity or a "right" answer or you just might start a holy war.

>Jesus is the son of A god, not the God
>There are several sons of other gods all fighting for control over Earth
>Hesus has got to defeat the fuckers

Jesus has to fight hordes of illegal Muslim invaders in Europe to protect his subjects.

Liefeld already did this.

Future Trunks travels back in time and gives Jesus the anti-crucifixion medicine so they can fight off Earth's demons.

Is this a thing alot of Japanese people believe?

Was liefeld the one that drew the male members of the X-men sucking off his characters in a hottub as some sort of shot at Marvel?

No, not talking about it being broken by non-sexual means. Meaning literally not all women even have the membrane to begin with

>When Morrison finally out-edged Millar

But then after they beat the demons some edgy faggot shows up in the Future timeline with a black Jesus and wrecks everything

>he fell for the "I was born without it" meme

Oh god that works far too well...

Your frog & waifus are shit.

Shit.

Anyone can fake death and appear alive three days later, but walking all the way from Nazareth to Japan? that's some godly shit.