If Lord of the Rings was made today, what would they change besides splitting it into six movies?

If Lord of the Rings was made today, what would they change besides splitting it into six movies?

black hobbits and elves
it's 2017 I don't go to movies to see an exclusively white cast

Getting a good cast and director. Having good CG.

Hopefully they do remake these. The all white male cast was pretty fucking disgusting.

>2017 studio execs
>"Jeez Peter, this all sounds expensive, just use the green screen thingy"
>"Make up for orcs? Too pricey, just CGI the fellas"
>"Make that Aragorn fella black, black people have more of a royal feel to them"
>"Now I'm not saying Frodo should be a woman, but what if Frodo was a woman?"
>"What if the orcs actually weren't all that bad too?"
>"We need at least 5 more comic relief characters, all played by the women of SNL"
>"These actors are soooo unheard of, who cares if they're good? Hire someone like Chris Pratt to play Gimli, that would be SO FUNNY!"

everyone would be black and they would cgi everything

there, /thread

>How is this going to bring in the Chinese Peter?

Turn the cave trolls into mechas, no explanation needed, fuck it, also Gandalf is a wise-Chinaman now

Aragorn is Black

Last movie is called Return of the Kang

Fuck lets not pretend that the actual movies were completely free of current bullshit. Fucking Arwen.

This, above all other things, would ruin it.

This is what you want to hear and will make up most of the posts.

>make up for orcs
Wasn't there an actor that went through hours of makeup work to shoot a scene as an Uruk-Hai, only to end up with a few seconds of screen time?

That was pretty stock standard stuff for big movies back in the day

Legolas and Gimli will have a gay sex scene

>Frodo and Sammy marching towards Mordor
>"Don't Stop Me Now" plays in the background

person of color as main character

They did fucking make up tests for The Hobbit and even filmed one physical orc, only for them to be scrapped because... Fuck it sucks to say it...

Peter said they looked too scary...

SARUMAN AKBAR

arwen was a device for aragorns motivation to become kang and save da whurl

you mean

BBBBBRRRRRMMMMMMM

>Men would be shown to be inherently weak willed
>A woman would do something on her first try that men had never achieved
>There would be quips
>Unnecessary dead-end secondary romance subplot
>The lead male character would be of mixed race, big and strong and save the day effortlessly
Oh wait...

The Tolkien Cinematic Universe

being split into 6 movies is not a bad thing at all. Of course they don't need to be 4 hours long each but iI think it would be way better and more faithful to the source material

>The lead male character would be of mixed race, big and strong and save the day effortlessly

who was that

that half numenorian dude, Acorn or something

i thought azog was pretty cool but yeah the orcs coulda been much better

the Uruks in LOTR are genuinely scary, the sheer difference in raw power and size that is blatantly evident when you see them going against regular people

Númenóreans and Elves would fuck and that's where Aragorn's lineage come from.

There would be black elves and hobbits and sam and frodo would totally make out.

Would have been awesome if they started with Hobbit, Children of Hurin etc & built up to Lord of the Rings

But they probably still will do a Cinematic universe of sorts, i expect spin off's like Shadow of Mordor, which honestly i don't mind, as long as they are clear this is "Expanded Universe" type of stuff

Shadow of War absolutely fucking shits on Tolkien's lore, it even fucks with Jackson's trilogy

I seriously hope that shitshow of a game spawns nothing else

No Christopher Lee so i would ignore it.

Indeed, but it's doing it's own thing, it's not a canon prequel or anything

Hobbit had a lot of issues, mainly in the fact he decided to throw as many LotR characters in there just to get his "MEMBER LORD OF RINGS?" fetish out of the way, but when they put them in these "dangerous" "oh no they might die" situations", you don't care cuz you know they're fine

They would make them not boring

>It's not canon

Even in that case the story is abysmal

Making Sauron a hybrid of Sauron and Celebrimbor was bad, making Isildur a Nazgul and then making Talion turn into Isildur's Nazgul instead was a step too far

the hobbit was required to have black extras, so you can expect plenty of those. perhaps black hobbits and elves. certainly black humans at bree. they wouldn't do the haradrim the same way, they'd be even more fantasy to make them less similar to generic non-white tribals.

at worst you might see an expanded haradrim/easterling part but i doubt they'd blackwash any roles

>reminder tolkien himself wanted Christopher lee to play gandalf
>reminder Christopher lee told peter that he knew how to get stabbed in the back because he'd done it to someone in the war

Hundreds of man-hours go into every second of screen time on these films, and it’s very common for footage from weeks’ worth of time on set to be binned.

I miss Christopher Lee :(

They will do it like Shadow of War & have a Haradrim character shoehorned in, who is Black

>making baranor a strong black man when he's always been a white guy in the audios
This is exactly the point of the thread

Also funniest bit from the game

Celebrimbor deciding to leave Talion to die to take over the elf, the elf literally getting BTFO by Sauron and then Shelob telling Talion if he still had Celebrimbor then they would have beat Sauron

Yeah they would make the Easterlings black and have a scene where their leader puts Sauron in his place.

While this post is good the counting your kills quips are based on his wwi experience where Scottish rifleman would count loudly to show off after each kill.

sauron would be an allegory for putin and sauroman would be an allegory for trump

>This
Also it was completely in character for Gimli to want to out do the fucking elf, it was also completely in character for legolas to shove it in his face that he was superior at killing, because he was a ponce.

>Can we not have an all female cast of multiple ethnicitys peter?

There are quips in the original movies.
>I am no man
>Don't tell the elf
>That still only counts as one

Could've been worse, she could have joined the battle for Helm's Deep.

A quip isn’t a joke between characters, it’s something which makes no sense in context and is obviously for the audience.

>I am no man
Literally in the book
>“But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him.”

A quip is just a quick, witty remark. You have made up this definition.

People would complain they didn't have a solo movie first for each of the fellowship members and that "the pacing was all over the place".

Not the guy you're replying to but you're only 2/3rds right. There is no reason why a quip has to be quick, length is not what defies a quip.

Obviously you couldn't make a movie with so few female characters.

>you don't care cuz you know they're fine
You know what the movies needed? It needed the trolls in the Hobbit to just bite the fucking head off of one of the dwarves. Just a big "Fuck you" to everyone thinking that everyone was going to be fine, because they were in the books that we all read 20 years ago. At least that would set the pace/tone for Jackson to say "You know what? They want 3 movies and tell me to do it, Imma do it my way, bitches."

Fair point.

Peter lost his touch after Two Towers

RotK was still great and had great moments ("You bow for no one") but it was a sign of things to come

Guillermo Del Toro should never have lost his directing role for Hobbit

So that was a veiled threat to Peter for stabbing him in the back for the role of Gandalf.
Poultry

no he's right. the definition has changed. when people say quip, they're immediately referring to "marvel quips" where something happens, the audience goes "hmm" and then the characters indulge the audience instead of themselves. it takes you right out of the movie and sucks
-publius

>A woman would do something on her first try that men had never achieved

Like killing The Witch King? I mean that would just be ridiculous, he is immortal and the prophecy says that no "man" can kill him, but thats a gender neutral usage of the pronoun right? Wow that would be a terrible plot twist, a woman killing an immortal being over usage of a word

Better question: How different would LoTR be if Cameron made it?

That's what you get when you don't check your spellcraft with a lawyer.

Hobbits removed. Aragorn + Arwen main character.

kys

I don't know why the films made the witch king thing into a prophecy.
Glorfindel said in passing that he didn't think the Witch King would be killed by a man.
Merry did the damage anyway, by stabbing him with the barrows sword

Yeah but if you put a white guy into a movie based off of African mythology all hell will break loose

Sauron was son of black God yarub

He only died because merry stabbed him with the elvish dagger he was given though. Eowyn being a woman had nought to do with it

Prophecy doesn't work that way.

They would cast a better gollum like maisie williams

there would be a scene explicitly explaining why they didn't fly with the eagles to mordor for the brainlets

>Faramir would've been black to get that interracial couple
>Legolas would be chinese
>Gimli would be mexican
>Aragorn would've been a transexual attack helicopter
>Shelob would've been a woman like in the newest game seducing Frodo a child for those sweet pedophile undertones
>Orcs would've been portrayed as dindu nuffin they good boys just trying to get a better life
>Gondor and Rohan would've been shown as racist for not accepting peaceful doctors,engineers and suicide bombers

>Either Sam or Frodo is genderswapped
>Gandalf looks like a jew and Saruman has blonde hair with a Hitler Youth haircut
>Arwen's actor is transgender- CGI effects are used to make "her" more feminine onscreen
>Aragorn is played by a subsaharan
>Merry and Pippin are both female and directly take part in intense action scenes, defeating enemies via slapstick
>The Witch King is identical only his lines are more anti-woman
>Eowyn is hispanic now
>Gollum is purely played as comedic/crazy, not tragic. His visions created by his tormented mind are left out of the movies entirely as to not offend schizophrenics
>Sauron is shown in person, his physical form is not of a majestic elf, but a stereotypical blonde, blue eyed aryan
>Orcs are portrayed sympathetically, Easterlings are not arab or persian inspired but are simply white men in generic costumes with marks somewhat resembling a nazi swastika

aragon is played by idris elba

He's too refined. New Aragorn should be the niggest in looks and talk like has an IQ of 75.

>splitting into six movies

You mean nine.

More like 9 movies

>And nine, nine films were gifted to the race of Jew, who above all else desire profit.

I think you're referring to the original idea they had for Azog in The Hobbit movies. He was supposed to be an actor in makeup and they spent weeks on perfecting his look, but then just went "fuck it" and did a CGI Azog.

John booooooooyhega

Yeah, they even made Gandalf MORE WHITE as it went on.

I, for one, think they would go for a The Dark Tower style and cram The Hobbit + Trilogy + Silmarillion in 90 minutes.

You could see how modern values made them change stuff in the Hobbit movies, like adding an original female character. There wasn't a single woman in the book. There were also ethnic people in Laketown. If they remade LotR today or somewhere in the next decade a lot of things would be changed.

All joking aside, there would definitely be some people of colour added to the main cast, but I can't imagine who they would change. Hard to picture any of the Fellowship being black or female. They could maybe get away with Faramir being a woman living in the shadows of his superior brother Boromir. Then female Faramir could end up with Eowyn in the end and we'd get a lesbian relationship to tick another box.
There would be black elves in the background during Rivendell scenes, but they'd be tall, slim and beautiful like the ones in the original movies.

Arwen and Eowyn would get even more screentime then they did (and they already gave Arwen much, much more screentime in the orignal trilogy), and there'd probably be a new female character in there somewhere.

Gandalf the White will be changed to Gandalf the Bright in order not to associate it with race.

>no he's right. the definition has changed.
So he's wrong.

>oh no, the orcs are attacking?
>where?
>tHEY ARE LANDING IN THE CENTRE OF SHANGHAI
>landmark shot

idris elba would probably be elrond or some stupid shit

Pip would probably get turned into a girl, and they could even go with a discworld thing with gimli and make him androgynous

This. More diversity quotas for the good guys, and all the orcs look like WW2 Germans.


But if you inject a black person into white mythology, then it's because white history and mythology are "open for interpretation by peoples of color."

How long until one of Tolkiens offs[ring gets gambling debts and has to sell the movie rights>
How long until we get a re-imagining of Saurons character, told in a three part trilogy so we can see sauron as a kid who says "yippee" and he has a stoor friend who just happens to be called Sméagol
Then we see him grow up and work with the other maia and even have a relationship with a young elf maiden until the evil dark lord Morgoth corrupts him to the dark side.

Then in 15 years time faggot kids who watched this steaming pile of shit will go onto a chinese basketweaving calendar and tell everyone how it was good because it was all original ideas

The only particularly offensive scene in ROTK was Legolas riding the Elephant. And Legolas was always a meme character anyway.

i think im ready to die now

I think we're all waiting for Christopher Tolkien to die. He's the one keeping the rights so well-guarded. The rest of the family doesn't seem to feel that strongly about it all. The Tolkien estate is rich enough as it is, and the family have good jobs and education, so they wouldn't NEED the money, but they also wouldn't really mind selling the rights I think.

Tolkien's son is 72 at the moment, just a couple more years lads. Once he's gone, we'll be getting a Middle-Earth Extended Universe.

Now that you've said this it will happen. Why user?

More closeups of Galadriel's feet like in the 3rd Hobbit flick.

The Witch-King being killed by someone other than a man is canon from multiple books.
After the elves and Gondor curb stomped him the humans wanted to chase him down but an Glorfindel tells them
>Do not pursue him! He will not return to these lands. Far off yet is his doom, and not by the hand of man will he fall
Although actually the movie doesn't elaborate on it as much but the books make it clear that Merry is the one who truly killed the Witch-King. Merry stabbed him with a dagger (barrows sword because to a hobbit a dagger is a sword) that was deadly to Nazgul. Gandalf even mentions of Merry's sword that it is
>the one kind of sword the Riders fear.
Eowyn was the coup-de-grace, but the Hobbit is the true killer.
Imagine you shot someone in both lungs and they're just laying on the ground clearly about to die in 1 minute. Then someone comes along and stabs them in the face.

Eh, that guy is a visual mess.

That actually is how it works. Merry stabs the Witch-King with the barrows blade, Eowyn is more or less the mercy kill.

Rewatched the extended trilogy last week and except for that one cgi shot of Legolas on the cave troll, Fellowship of the Ring is perfect. It's so beautiful and spectacular, I really have newfound appreciation for it. How the fuck did the Hobbit go so terribly wrong?