Spider-man (1967) One eyed Idol

It's time for an episode of Spider-man. In tonight's episode a man from down under comes to the urban jungle and Stan Lee probably wouldn't like to be reminded that this episode exists.

Alright let's do this.

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Previous eps here
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Assuming archived.moe ever gets its shit together.

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Jameson: Oh I love how they write fancy but I hate reading it! Kindly aaaept this small token of my esteem Signed: Unknown admirer

Oh they shouldn't have! No, yes they should, I'm awesome.

They wrote "secret admirer" but clearly the entire city chipped in to get this for me!

Jameson: Don't act so surprised, Miss Brant! Everyone pitched in but YOU. Well YOU can make it for it on Boss's day and here at the Bugle every day is boss's day!

Jameson: In fact, more people should pay tribute to my genius! I'm thinking of having a sacrificial alter installed next to the lady's restroom.

Cool

Betty: I-in the window! A horrible dark creature! With Bushy black hair and-and a painted face!

Did she say what I think she said? Rude.

SPIDER-MAN HERE?! I don't see anything. And no... that doesn't really sound like the Spider-man we know. Are you sure?

HE HAD A BIG BULBOUS NOSE AND THERE WAS A BONE STICKING THROUGH IT I SWEAR

OH! You mean Robbie! He's out sick, why would he be hanging outside the window? You silly, hysterical girl.

Climbing up's the hard part. Climbing down's the fun part.

My Spider senses are starting to tingle. Jameson left his light! But he'd never waste electricity like that! Something must be wrong! Al Gore told me so!

Idol: JJJ ya bastard bogan. Take that moolah you got there and put it here in this here Doovalacky

Spider-man: That's the most assertive piggybank in the world!

...

Spider-man: A man and his money is best left private. Should I really be watching? Yes.

And the wind up to lair it up

I wonder what ol' JJ is -OW FUCK

Have to break my fall somehow!

Spiders can SO parachute! Look it up!

(they instinctively know how)

Here are again, Bugle, but it'll be different this time! This time I'm paying attention!

Spider-man: Danger! I can feel it! But from what? The phone?! Better keep on my toes.

Have at thee, knave! I was on the varsity spear-throwing team at Cambridge!

Nice aim! That's the spear-it!

And now... the pipe.

Let me guess, you spent 5 years learning proper pipe blowing technique at university, too?

Of course not that's. stupid. Doesn't take a community college degree to do that.

You're an agile son-of-a-gun ain't ya?

PFFFFFF

*cough cough ack* It's like he smoked 50 cigars at once! And folks I'd like take a minute to say that the Surgeon General says that smoking is bad for you and may cause you cancer and is harmful when pregnant and kids 3 and under should never do it.

... and now he's gone. And the money's gone too! Did JJ assist in robbing himself? There's a plot in this episode... somewhere...

Jameson: Miss Brant! I've been Violated! Victimized! Smeckledorfed!

Betty: But I don't understand! How could it have happened?

Only two people here have the key to your safety deposit box. You and someone else some attractive red-haired beauty I forget her name I'm sure it'll come to me...

And YOU Miss Brant. Did you buy yourself a Navy Blue dress? Looks expensive. Don't think I've ever seen it before.

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THIS IS THE SAME DRESS I WEAR EVERY DAY AND I HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF THEM.

BY THE WAY YOU'RE PROTESTING YOU'RE PRACTICALLY ADMITTING TO BEING A THIEF. CONFESS!

You! Of all the nerve! I'm a good person! I've had plenty of chances to break the law! Today some suicidal person was on the bridge and I wanted to shove them so bad but I didn't because I'm decent! I've wanted to steal artwork and call it my own to fish for compliments! I wanted to slash the old lady's throat for taking too long in line at the supermarket but I didn't because I'm good, damnit!

I don't have to take this from you. I QUIT

YOU CAN'T QUIT! YOU'RE EITHER EMPLOYED OR FIRED! JAMESON ONLY WORKS IN ABSOLUTES!

That fucker's messed with the wrong woman. I'll given him so much! Coffee brewed at 1AM, 1:20, 1:25 and 1:26 every morning! Looking under the bed and in the closet to check for Spider-man! He'll pay. When he least expects it everything he loves will be taken from him and THEN he'll perish.

What's gotten into that girl? She's silly! Silly, silly! Trying to pull a fast one on old Jonah? No one's done it before so why should she think she'd be the first?!

I'd hire a new secretary but without Miss Brant I can't find my phonebook! How would Parker look in a dress I wonder...

ARRRRGGGGH! WOMEN! THERE SHOULDN'T BE WOMEN AT ALL IN THIS WORLD! JUST CHILDREN! AND MEN!

G'day Jameson! I'm talking to you ya no-hoper!

Jameson: OooooOOooooo

Idol: Jameson! Take a walkabout downstair. and bring a plate of your whole quid and put it in me head

Your words are in english but your sentences don't make any sense but I obeyyyyyyy

Huzzah! Everything's going smashingly!

*CRACK*

Oof! Fortunately the dense hair cushions the blow!

What's your game anyways? You don't look like a garden-variety crook around these parts. Harlem's a little ways over.

Hooo boy... THIS episode.

Er, Spidey, don't you have a sense for this sort of shit? Or does it not work on boomerangs because they are dangerous by default and you would otherwise go insane if you visited Oz?

Maxwell: Me? My name's Maxwell Barrington. I'm a trained actor hired for the role of a lifetime! But enough smalltalk! Let us fight! Like gentlemen!

Yeeeep

Never bring fists to a web-fight, dude.

Don't you know that any good pugilist knows the art of rope-a-dope!

You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and your pretenious classically trained starving artist I know how to cry at any time you pretentious hack. Quit dodging, come here and fight!

Poor form, Spider-man, poor form.

I tried out for a the school play every year and all I got to do was play trees because I lost to people with TALENT like YOU

Calm down man, this is just a job for me.

IT'S TOO LATE TO.. BACK DOWN. I WILL OVERACT AS .. SHATNER AS I... FEEL LIKE.

I'LL ... FINISH YOU OFF... WITH MY .. SECRET WEAPON

Is he going to do it? has he finally snapped and is going to call thousands of little spiders to swarm in here?

EVEN WORSE. A TINY WEB NET. THIS'LL STOP YA COLD AS YOU'RE FORCED TO WATCH KUNG POW UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE

Crikey, Maxwell, I hire ya to be my Standover man and you go make a blue of the whole thing.

OW FUCK NOT AGAIN

OH MY GOD ARE YOU ALRIGHT? DO I NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE?

I'm in a sack and I'm very sad. I'm a sad sack.

Harlen: G-day ya dill. I, Harlen Cliventon, am the most Bonzer hunter there ever was. This here is my bushman

Maxwell: My name's Maxwell

Harlen: Shut up bushman. You were hired to play a role and that's just what you're going to do! Anyways! I finally bagged me the legendary Bunyip I mean Spoidah-man!

And just what am I standing on?

NO. WE HAVE A ONE HUNTER LIMIT HERE AND IT'S BEEN FILLED. YOU'RE NOT KRAVEN YOU'LL NEVER BE KRAVEN. YOU DIDN'T EVEN GO THROUGH THE EFFORT OF PUTTING ON A DEAD ANIMAL ON YOUR CHEST AND WEAR A RIDICULOUS OUTFIT. YOU DON'T GET THE HONOR OF PLAYING THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A LIVING STEREOTYPE.

Ah! But I'm the only hunter stereotype to have tickets on myself! That makes me better! Now we'll have this all finished up faster than you can say didgeridoo

EVERYTHING YOU SAY JUST CONFUSES AND ANGERS ME

Harlen: Now Jameson! Put all the money into my head! Aces, ya little ripper! Now, go rock off to that shithouse of yours and sod off with a singer, a slab and have a smoko.

In case you didn't catch that. Go home. I repeat. Go home. Oh and forget that I mind controlled ya.

Well damn, if it wasn't for that boomerang the tiny net would have worked! Its a sure-fire plan!

Unless your opponent is trained in the art of reversing the capture method.

Harlen: Sorry to keep ya waiting Spoidah-man. Didn't forget about ya just had bigger things in mind.

Ya see, the idol's just a way to take a squizz at Jameson safely and see if that Swagman would fall for my tricks and it worked beautifully!

But no worries Spider-man! Now I'm ready for the, as you seppos say, KILL

Cliventon: It's time for the legend of Spoidah-man to chuck a sickie!

Spider-man: WHAT WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

Haha! No drama, spoidah-man! I'll make it look like you came a gutser! With no weapons used that can be traced to me!

Spider-man: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH WITTY RETORTS IF I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE EVEN SAYING. NO WONDER NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO YOUR CONTINENT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE FUCK ANYONE TRIES TO SAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON ANYMORE COULD SOMEONE TRANSLATE SOMETHING PLEASE PLEASE I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND HERE LISTENING TO THIS GUY. HELP. SOMEONE HELP. JUST HEARING YOU IS DRIVING MY SPIDER SENSE UP THE WALL.

Maxwell: He said he wants you to have an accident.

Spider-man: Oh is that it? Thank you!

You see, Spoidah-man is known for winding up in dodgy situations... and I've come up with the dodgiest of them all!

good episode

Maxwell: He means to say that-
Spider-man: I caught that one. I think.

Cliventon: All that remains to finish you off is to push the down button on the elle!

Thanks. This was a hard one to do.

(Why didn't he just come out say he was going to kill me in an elevator?)

BOOP. Pretty spiffy!

OH I GET IT NOW. He put me on the underside of an elevator to squash me! Squash me like a spider! THAT WASN'T ORIGINAL OR CLEVER AT ALL

Maxwell, you go to to Jameson's office to pick up the loot from the idol. I'm nearly sober so I'm gonna get shitfaced at the pub.

And how was this supposed to look like an accident?! How many people die, restrained to the underside of an elevator and squashed? That lack of foresight might fly in Australia but not here! You'd think a continent of convicts would be better at this.

Everything today's managed to PISS ME OFF

And it's all getting taken out on this elevator!

The first of many things to be wrecked tonight

HERE'S MY STOP

Now to find that Tingo oh god it's infectious.

Aha! Tommorow I think I'll make J. Jonah Jameson write me a check for one million dollarydoos! No! Make that two million! Think of all the Vegemite that'll buy...

Don't let your mouth write checks your body can't cash!

Crikey!

You cheeky bushwacker! So you escaped!

You can keep your boomerang, my sports's lacrosse!