Spider-man (1967) The Fantastic Fakir

It's time once again for our weekly Spider-man episode.

In Tonight's episode, a villain from Somewhereistan is robbing jewels and warping reality and Spidey hates it when that happens.

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Alright let's do this.

There's a sign here ... the font's unimaginative and uh oh they ran out of space and had to shrink a word and "Of the" should be in a different spot and changing font for "Featuring?" what the fuck. "The" should be centered and just saying 34th floor? This typography .. this typography is ruining my day.

And what's a Jhin Jamir? Reading upside down is hard enough, is it a place, an alcoholic beverage, math theorem?

Huh. Sounds like foreign music in here. Suspicious foreign music.

Now that's a new approach for beastmastering.

Fakir: Easy boy, you play along and you'll get whatever you want. Want your peanut ration doubled? Done. Want annoying crows gone? Sure thing.

Wow the ruby pops right off

Hey, turbanman, some time in prison will change your tune. Surrender quietly or we'll be playing to my beat.

Web cobra I choose you!

*toot toot*

Tadaa!

Hey! HEY! I JUST FORMED A SENTIENT SNAKE FROM WEBBING AND YOU JUST MUSIC IT AWAY LIKE IT WAS NOTHING?! I'M THE ONE WITH THE WEB HAX. THE ONLY ONE.

Spider-man: TRY CALMING THIS SAVAGE BEAST WITH YOUR SONG IF YOU'RE SO GREAT

Challenge accepted

Whalloping websnapers! He's doing something and never underestimate a bard!

Fakir: This beast is coming for you! He'll never forget he's your mortal enemy, and everything else is Irrelephant.

Time to swing into action

Damn Kitty Pryde, you've put on some serious weight and got hella wrinkly

mega.nz/#F!EBk1mBjJ!0AQBQ7yGEU3NjDJ3TfnkvQ

Did that really just happen?

WHAT THE HELL HE DIDN'T MOVE AT ALL WAS I DRUGGED AND IF I WAS CAN I GET MORE THAT SHIT WAS INTENSE

And that manlet got away with the ... sapphire? Diamond? Spider-man doesn't know a lot about minerals and was a little distracted.

Jameson: SPIDER-MAN MUST HAVE STOLEN THAT RUBY AND WITHOUT IT THE MAHARAJA OF JHIN JAMIR REFUSES TO LEAVE HIS YACHT. HE'S VERY SHY AND SENSITIVE FOR A RICH ASSHOLE.

I can understand why you called Peter here to yell at him, Mister Jameson, but why am I here? It's 2 in the morning.

Because Ms. Brant, in case I make a clever witty comeback or insult it needs to be written down and put in the autobiography I'm paying working on.

Now you! Parker! I want pics of that Yacht, the Majaraja, and his ruby ring pop or whatever it was.

But the ruby was stolen! No one knows where it is!

I DON'T PAY YOU FOR EXCUSES. I PAY YOU FOR PICTURES! I WANT PICTURES! PICTURES IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW

But Mister Jameson, if the Majaraja doesn't want to see anyone and doesn't want visitors on his boat then wouldn't it be highly illegal and unethical for anyone to trespass aboard to take a picture of him without his or the boat's consent?

Ahh, Spiderdub, there needs to be more content from that guy.

Jameson: That's the thing, Ms. Brant, I don't care how he gets the pictures. He feels pressured to do something illegal and if he gets caught and thrown in jail I have plausible deniability and hire another photographer because there's no shortage of idiots who think they can take pictures for a living just because they can hold a camera.

Jameson: Oh, Parker, you're still here? What are you waiting for, Oatmeal Nut Waffle Day? GET OUT.

Actually today is... *sigh* nevermind.

Pssst hey. Hey you at home. Try this at home it'll make for a great story to tell your family and spice up your boring and uninteresting life.

Spider-man: Uh oh

Guard: Great! First day on the job and I shrink the vest uniform in the wash! How was I supposed to know the difference between hot and cold water?

So I creep, yeah, just creepin' on,
On the down low, 'cept nobody is supposed to know

Portholes! My third favorite types of holes to peer into!

Everything's so shiny, the fruit, the table, the swords, the pillows. And not a drab little crab in sight but there's the Majaraja!

Awesome! JJJ's going to be so proud or more realistically, indifferent and belligerent.

Spider-man: Hey, isn't that the Jhin Jamir ruby or whatever it's called? What's it doing back on his head?

Spider-man: Oh. Oh this looks bad I know. I ... I can explain. Um Halal you guys doing tonight? There's a starbucks around here somewhere, right?

Forget it. We're skipping to the fight scene.

Running with a sword is dangerous, but not to a man on a mission!

>now here's a show I can really get into

Ok. New plan. You let me kill you and then I'll let you kill me and I'll let you have some virgins when I'm done with them. How's that sound?

Spider-man: Come on ladies let's lift those legs up! Stretch em high and work out those muscles!

Except for you beardo. Why should you get a sword and not me. You're out of here!

Fakir: Those boys of mine never clean up their weapons when they're done with them. Now to put them to use with the song of my people.

Whooooooooosh

What a lazy jerk shooting weapons from so far away. At least the last guy was polite enough to come at me himself and do his own dirty work!

Aaaand they have poor tracking

...

Operation Spiderkabob is a bust! Now for Plan B: operation rope a dope.

Toot Toot!

There's that same song again and at this rate it'll be stuck in my head all day.

Could you guys play something else? Some easy listening music perhaps? I'm at the end of my rope here.

Put the interloper in the brig! The Majaraja will decide how we deal with him with his execution gameshow "Wheel of death"

Spider-man: Hey guy guys, shouldn't you be praying to Mecca sometime soon? You can put me down. I don't mind.

Guard 1: I'm Hindu. Jerk.

Guard 2: Really?! I thought we were all scientologists? Where has all my rank up payments gone too?!

Spider-man: Less talking more focus on form. You in front, less lifting with your back.

HEY IF YOU ALL THINK I'M GOING TO REFLECT ABOUT WHAT I'VE DONE IN HERE YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN

Fun Spider fact: Spiders can make webs as strong and as sharp as steel and I can spin webs any size. Saves a lot of time and money in shaving costs.

Spider-man's aboard the ship? Here?! OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD HE CAN SIGN MY CHEST AND I'LL NEVER WASH IT EVER AGAIN HE'S MY HERO I LOVE YOU MAN.

SCUSE ME

>Saturday Night Storytime
That's a funny way to spell "Best Time"

Hmmmmm I can hear something behind this door. There's a lot of beards in there let's have a look and listen.

Thank you.

>I'm the master of the world!

You should be PUNished for that.

Fakir: Ok guys so here's the deal. As soon as we get the Star Sapphire we cast off and go home and sell the ruby and sapphire for big cash. Let's hear some ideas of what we can buy.

>third favorite

"Can we buy some guns? Sara over there has a spear and I have a guns. Isn't he punished enough for having a girl name?"

"Can we get some new turbans? They were white when we got them"

"How about some furniture? There's nothing but carpets... can we save up for a chair or something?"

There goes the Spider sense again. They're going to overspend and land deeper in debt than when they started!

Spider-man: Ah. It was you. Nice triceps, man.

Spider-man: But your jaw is as weak as a newborn kitten's!

Spider-man got out! Don't let him escape! This time lock the door after you throw him in the brig!

Spider-man: Later fuckers!

BANG BANG BANG BANG

HEY! GUYS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK LIKE TOOLS. SOMEONE'S GOING TO SEE US AND THINK THAT WE'RE PULLING A CALIGULA AND DECLARING WAR ON A BODY OF WATER AND LAUGH AT US BEHIND OUR BACKS

Why use bullets when we have the power of music and pets at our disposal?

you fucking what

There's that song again. Now what trick does he have up his allegorical sleeves.

Grrrrrrrrrr

New York river alligators! The cold waters make those tropical terrors extra grumpy and deadly!

YeaaaaaaAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH let's rock and death roll

Spider-man: God damn tail-gators

Hey. Why do alligators hate fast food? Cause they can't catch it!

boo!

That's not funny. That hurts.

Fakir: Someone's coming! It may be the fuzz! Play it cool guys play it cool! Gators come back if they see you pets off leash you'll get confiscated!

He played a song that made the alligators go away, but I'll wait for the electric eurobeat trance remix before I get it for personal use.

HEY SPIDER-MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE WATER AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT WITHOUT A LIFE PRESERVER?

COME HERE AND HAVE A CHAT

Thank god you guys are here, can I hitch a ride? It's been a rough night.

Stalin: DA Spider-Comrade anything for you. We have much hot chocolate with the marshmallows for you and finest Soviet blankets. We would not want you catch a cold out here

Spider-man: Thanks Stalin! You're the best!

bump

There's something about the MajaRaja that's bothering me, how he stares into my soul and I can't look away like he's out there, judging me and every move I make. Wondering how I managed to develop film after my camera and I took a swim. There's something off here but I can't put my finger on it...

Thanks

>stalin

kek'd

And why would he steal a ruby that belongs to him? It makes no sense! There's something missing from all this.

Time to pay a visit to Mrs. Sarah Thicmiccougar and her star sapphire and plant the handy dandy spider tracer maybe that'll somehow clear things up. Somehow.

Peter: Thanks for letting me photograph your Star Sapphire Mrs. Thicmiccougar, it means a lot to the Daily Bugle.

Sarah Thicmiccougar: Oh this little thing? It's the least I can do. And call me Sarah, but now that you've taken pictures of my jewels how about you strip and let me take pictures of yours?

No please no. No thank you.

Oh balderdash! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tear off your clothes using my dentures and these 24 inch pythons right this second.

(Somebody Help me)