Spider-man (1967) The Golden Rhino

GREETINGS TRUE BELIVERS it's time for this week's episode of 60s Spider-man. In tonight's episode the Rhino decides to make a gold trophy statue of himself for being the best.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the shitshow.

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AND LET THE BATTLE BEGIN
Let's do this.

Hot damn I'm on time for once.

Nothing like a late night gold transfer to raise the spirits. 15 million dollars worth of gold bouillon; That'd make some mighty expensive soup!

From the international exchange, and they were kind enough to provide a truck that could carry tons and tons of gold that could make such a delivery without ruining its everything

Whoever is operating that crane must be the UFO catcher champ of all time.

I wonder how I'd look with a bunch of gold chains, granted I'd weigh 40 pounds more, but I'd be able to pity the fool who'd try to crime

You sure are!

It's going to take a hell of a lot more than an armored truck to stop a guy in a rhino costume!

Alright! Everything's locked up tight with this one key! No one's getting in that truck, not in a gazillion years!

Looks like it's time for this webhead to take off and sacrifice his personal life and mental health because of his never-ending guilt shame someplace else!

DON'T GOT NO CREDIT CARDS BUT WE'RE CHARGING IT NONETHELESS

"Hey do you think driving a van this heavy with no rearview or side mirrors or wheel is going to be a problem?"

"Nah, it's fine."

HEY LOOK! A RHINO! THEY'RE ENDANGERED SPECIES BUT RIGHT NOW I THINK WE ARE

"Dibs on his horn!"

"Dibs on his lowest horn!"

This suit ain't bulletproof I'm just that awesome!

Gunshots from the Pier?! Spider-man leaves for 10 seconds and everything goes to hell!

Stop trying to poach, motherfuckers!

Into the water you go

And into the water I go!

Spider-man: Guys, did you forget where your car was parked?

A chunky greyish man with a sharp nose with a rhino-like complexion pushed it into the water! Gold and all!

A little late for a swim but here goes!

The truck and robber have to be around here somewhere but it's SO dark you can hardly see

Spder-man: Ok! Found the truck but the gold's all gone! Gentlemen, keep an eye out for Ron Paul, he's a wily one and he may have a hand in all of this.

Radio: Divers have recovered the truck, but the gold is missing. The guards description of what happened is vague and contradictory. The chief suspect is a rhino-like man.

>"This is a really fucking tiny ass radio".

Vague! Vaguesmaghe! They're just being politically correct! Everything about this reeks of a Spider-man caper!

But Mister Jameson! Spider-man appeared on the scene after it happened and he dove in after the truck!

Right! Like I've said all along! He dove in, grabbed all the gold, hid it, came up, said it was missing, and hauled it away! All by himself!

But what about the Rhino? The guards said it was the Rhino who went after the gold.

Jameson: Exactly! Spider-man used a disguise! He put on some weight wore a hippopotamus outfit.

Peter: Rhin outfit.

Jameson: Whatever! He changed disguises! He pushed the gold in the water, disappeared, and then changed disguises! It makes perfect sense!

So you're saying that Spider-man wore a Rhino outfit, appeared from boxes, rammed into the gold van as he was being shot at, pushed it into the water, dove in after it, dried himself off, changed disguises, dove back into the water and stole the gold, then came back up to tell the guards that it was gone and that all happened in a few seconds. Is that the story you're sticking with?

Well... you don't know what Spider-man is capable of. He does have amazing and awe-inspiring super powers. I didn't mean that as a compliment, I meant that as an insult.

Spider-man may have super powers but whoever stole that gold must have super duper duper powers!

Hesh wants some SEX!

Directions say the stir gold around 500 times until no longer lumpy but be careful not to overstir

Beuatiful! This'll make a beautiful monument! Only the greatest and strongest of rogues deserve such an honor and there is no one greater or stronger than the Rhino!

Holy fucking shit. This actually aired.

No one else even compares. We'll have a Rhino Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence and Rocksteady's face when he doesn't win will make it all worth it!

Hmmmm seems hot enough. The trick is getting your gold to over 2,000 degrees so it melts evenly !

Now to pour it into the mold! Oh I can't wait! Gold! Solid gold! This much gold must be at least 240,000 karats!

WHAT? THERE'S NOT ENOUGH?! BEING CURVY HASN'T BEEN A HINDRANCE FOR ME UP UNTIL THIS MOMENT

NOW WHERE IS A GUY LIKE ME SUPPOSED TO FIND A BUNCH OF SOLID GOLD AT THIS HOUR?!

Oh yeah, I know just the place. What a golden opportunity! Hurhurhurhur

MEANWHILE AT THE CORNER OF WALL STREET AND WALL STREET

SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A SHOPPING CART. OH WELL

This shit is comedy gold.

That noise came from Wall Street! Are they still occupying it? Thought that was over with.

COME ON OUT I'LL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

On second thought, whoever went in there is probably bigger and tougher and meaner than me ...

I know! I'll make a web of any size! And then catch the gold thief just like a fly!

And then get a picture of it and show it to JJ and he'll be proud and finally admit that the Rhino isn't Spider-man. That'd be cray cray.

Rhino: WHO PUT THIS WEB HERE

Spider-man: Hold still and smile for the camera!

Uh oh Whooopsdiedoodle

He got away! How are you supposed to catch something like that?

Jameson: Parker, you're going to have to explain this. Is this a man in fetal position or laughing? Or is this an elaborate setup for a loss edit because if it is, I'm not laughing and you can laugh yourself out of town because no one will hire you ever again.

Peter: No! Spider-man covered the hole made by the Rhino to catch him!

Peter what kind of dirty magazine do you think we run here?

But Spider-man didn't catch the Rhino did he? And destroyed the bank to cover his trail?

Caught? Yes. Kept.... no. The Rhino got away.

Jameson: Exactly! I've said it all along! Spider-man is manipulating that poor stupid stupid manatee man to rob the bank just like he used the manatee to rob the gold truck!

Peter: Rhino

Jameson: Whatever

Jameson: We've got him all figured out! That web-headed menace won't crawl himself out of this one. This week's headline is going to be the best yet!

Peter: ... Can I go?

Jameson: NO! I need to rant some more!

Combed the entire city and not a clue to where that Rhino could be hiding. Tried every watering hole, drinking hole, and hole-in the wall. How HARD can it be to find a massive man who ram into everything?

Hey what's that unusually bright and distracting light source

Spider-man: There's that king-sized man and talk about a king-sized ego! Making a life-sized golden statue of himself! Why didn't I think of that first?

FUCK!

AHHHHHHHH

I guess he didn't get the proportional grace of a spider.

GUESTS! You're just in time to see my magnum opus! Destined to become the gold standard for all statues!

Sadness covers me like a blanket. Tuck me in, let me die.

HAPPY TO OBLIGE

AHA! You have fallen into my trap of asking you to kill me!

OOOF

I'LL GET YOU EVEN IF I HAVE TO DESTROY EVERY LOAD-BEARING BEAM TO DO IT

So is it true that you're really Wilson Fisk in disguise?! Because if that's true that's. so. cooooool! A supervillain with a secret identity of another supervillain! That's amazing!

Let me tell you! Every day Wilson Fisk strips down, sucks in his gut and tries to put on a rhino costume and every day he can't do it, he cries, wishing for something he could never have.

HE TRIES TO BE ME AND HE'LL NEVER LIVE UP TO IT. SO HE CAN RUN A CRIME RING BUT HE'LL NEVER KNOW THE JOY OF RUNNING INTO WHATEVER YOU WISH, DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN YOUR PATH. HE'S JEALOUS I TELL YOU, AND HE AIN'T ME.

Ah yes, rhinoceroses are known for their prowess and additional strength underwater.

Is it already saturday? Man! I need to stop drinking like that!

Got him talking. Now to watch as he ruins his life's work!

FISK IS JUST NOTHING BUT A CHEAP IMITATOR, EATING TO FILL THE VOID OF NOT BEING ME.

Your dedication is kind of admirable.

I imagine he derives satisfaction from our enjoyment, and that he finds this either entertaining or fulfilling.

>*DING*

"Your dedication is kind of admirable." is going right up there with "You magnificent autist"

Hey How'd you make a full-body cast of yourself? Nevermind, don't really want to know.

Rhino: Artists never reveal their secrets!

Spider-man: That's magicians!

I did it! I diditIdiditIdidit! I BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN AND KILLED SPIDER-MAN! THAT MEANS I GET TO MAKE ANOTHER STATUE! NOW TO STEAL ENOUGH PLATINUM AND GET TO WORK!

I'm about 43% sure that's not how metal casting works.

"UH did you see all that?"

"Do you want to get out of the car? Every time we do something bad happens!"

Well the building collapsed and the gold's missing. Where could it be? That must weigh thousands of pounds!

LOOK WHO IT IS! Spider-man! We're going to need you to slowly empty your pockets to see if you're carrying 15 million dollars worth of gold bullion

Sorry officers, but I have a date with a rhino!

"Is that legal?"

"Maybe he meant RINO"

"We can't let that happen! Not our Spider-man! Shoot him down!"

Police: Spider-man seen over area A, BE on lookout in case you SEE and provide a solid Defense if he makes any sudden aggressive movements.

Spidey no you can do better than him.

Spider-man's alive? DAMNIT! No one can know my secret! They'll know that my award ceremony is rigged for sure if word gets out that I made a statue in my image ahead of time!

I'll have to hid you away from prying eyes, golden boy.

You wait here, I'll create such a ruckus spider-man will come running and then we'll use you to take over Israel!

If the jews were gullible enough to worship a golden calf, IMAGINE what they'll do when they see this beauty!

So I'm not into cape stuff, why DOES he wear the costume?