ITT we write the opening crawl for Star Wars: Episode 9

ITT we write the opening crawl for Star Wars: Episode 9.

There are heroes on both sides.

NIGGERS EVERYWHERE

With the power of the Super Saiyan God Super Saiyan Ultra Instinct Jedi Master Rey on their side, the RESISTANCE is ready to strike back at the FIRST ORDER.

>IT IS A PERIOD OF CINEMATIC TURMOIL. AUDIENCES REJECTED OUR FORCED SOCIAL JUSTICE DIVERSITY AND HAMMED IN MARVEL QUIPS.
RIAN JOHNSON, THE SOYBOY DIRECTOR OF THE LAST JEDI, HAS BEEN OUSTED AS DIRECTOR OF THE NEW STAR WARS TRILOGY.
MEANWHILE, JJ ABRAMS HAS BEEN REHIRED TO PLAY THIS EPISODE UP AS AN ULTRA SAFE NOSTALGIA FEST THAT BRINGS LUKE SEEMINGLY BACK FROM THE DEAD BECAUSE YOU ASSHOLE LITTLE SHITS REFUSED TO BE SPOONFED FROM OUR MISTAKES, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? CONGRATULATIONS YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED...

>INVASION! of boring
>oh.

AN AWAKENING! The old Jedi Master Luke Skywalker awakens to tell everyone a tale of a vision which he has witnessed about a great battle of the resistance which ends in a heroic hyperspace ram manouver.

Thus the events portrayed in the last movie didn't happen.

>It's been 15 years since the fall of the resistance
>General Organa is dead

A massive time jump is the only way JewJew can get out of the corner Rian wrote him into.

SNOKE IS ALIVE

WAR! REY MUST DEFEAT KYLO REN AND..... AND...... AND......

Can't make too much of a time skip with young actors and actresses as the lead.

The hetero CIS male First Order, hunting down the heroic RESISTANCE!

the biggest second weekend decline of all time

EPISODE IX: AN INTERSECTIONAL HOPE

Star Wars isn't just a thing for socially alienated white men/boys anymore. It's grown beyond that little niche, and it also needs to lose the baggage associated with whiteness/maleness to reach a larger audience and have more influence.

Lots of the lessons and teachings embodied by Luke Skywalker are white, masculine and western in character. They've been done to death. The monomyth, Joseph Campbellian structure is dated and stale, and it can't keep running on those fumes forever.

I sympathize with lots of the grumbling white male neckbeards are doing. Star Wars was their thing and they don't want to share their beloved toys. And they're obviously gonna hate The Last Jedi because, in essence, it's about how Luke's legend really was flawed and limited in its scope.

The Jedi philosophy, just like the phallocentric white male western patriarchy, was bogged down in its own dogma. There's something beautiful and touching about the sentiment of "passing the torch" in TLJ. The white western male, long held as the only source of heroism and power in the canon, gracefully steps aside not only for his own good, but for the good of the universe.

In more diverse and progressive hands, there's no telling what this universe, and the force along with it, might become. It's an exciting prospect, to say the least, for those who aren't embittered neckbeards living in their parents' basements.

TLJ is going to be a watershed moment in sci-fi and genre films generally. It's all about letting go, letting your creation grow beyond you. And Star Wars, like civilization itself, has evolved beyond its parochial and patriarchal past.

I don't get why this triggered RLM so hard. The Separatists thought they were right, and they had heroes of their own. How is this such a hard concept to grasp?

Luke wakes up on Dagobah. He was tripping on some Yoda stew. Prequels sequels never happened.

Alright, I can understand that, so I'll concede 5-7 years. Let's Poe take control of the 'rebels'. Let's Rey make new Jedi because, let's be fair, that's what's being pushed. Finn and Rose can have 2-4 little combo minority children.

>WAR! After having had vision of what it would cost to not help the Resistance, LUKE SKYWALKER decided to help REY KENOBI become a Jedi Knight. It is now time for her to return to the Resistance base, where its leader ADMIRAL POE is trying to maintain order after the betrayal of GENERAL LEILA

I imagine it to go a little something like this.

TURN OFF THE FLASH YOU FUCKING MORONS

>STAR WARS: EPISODE IX
>A Bunch Of Whatever

>It is certainly time in the galaxy, a time when great feats of mediocrity are performed by some people, I guess
>The same characters you saw in the last film, and the one before that, you probably remember some of their names, are doing something,somewhere.
>The new Republic are still wiped out after the first movie, apparently it consisted of one single star system and nobody cared that an entire star system got blown up by the First Order enough to do anything about it
>The First Order, who began as a fairly diminished threat in the first movie compared with the Empire, are even further diminished now, to the point where they're not really a threat.
>The Rebellion have lost basically their whole fleet and their admiral so they'll probably be pretty much off the board going forward.
>On a planet with a name that we won't bother telling you because you won't remember it well enough to distinguish it from any of the other bland, forgettable locales, Rose Tico is talking at length to Rey about how much better it is now that there are basically no white males on their side any more...

Where? How? Why do we care?

KILL ALL WHITE MALES

...

>CONFUSION...
>...reigns in the Galaxy, after the chaotic “battle“ of Not!-Hoth, the ragtag remains of First Order Ships are searching for the Millenium Falcon with 20 or so remaining Resistance Fighters inside. While the First Order has been repeatedly crippled by incompetence, noone seems to much care for the conflict between the paper tiger and it‘s Rebel Alliance reenactor adversaries, ignoring General Leia Organas plea for help in absolute unison. With Jedi Master Luke dead, hope clings to Rey and her misfit company of heroes, to crush the evil patriachy and confron Kylo Ren in an action packed chase the to McGuffin device...

Admiral Hux died after tripping over the ship's bridge without railing
Leia died from old age and our brave hero are in a journey to rebuild the rebellion after asking the kanji club.
Meanwhike Kylo Ten is consuming all the soy milk of the galaxy in order to become the shirtless god emperor of coruscant

IT WAS ALL A DREAM
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
IT WAS ALL A DREAM

It was all the coma dream of Finn.