It's time once again for a mono-weekly Spider-man storytime. Tonight's episode features one music man going to war with another music man and JJ and Spider-man are caught in the crossfire.
It would be a battle of the bands, except the band gets murdered.
This episode may not measure up because the jokes fall flat. But stay tuned I'll get started in a minuet. Ok, this retard is giving it a rest. Onto the show!
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Let's do this.
>meanwhile at the conservatory of MOD music
Cyrus Flintridge the Third presents THe Sqjankerz hmmmmmm with a name like that they've got to be Icelandic
For a pop group on tour you'd think they'd look happier
And JJJ gets a private preview. I GOTTA see what that geezer has to say about this.
Best seat on the house, right here.
...
JJ:
>My feet hurt
>They said there'd be sandwiches, where are the sandwiches.
> Why don't they play Glenn Miller. Everyone likes Glenn Miller
> Why do I have to sit in the faggot chair
JJ my man! Focus your audio on this! These cats sure know how to groove, their first set was hot, but now they're throwin' babies out of the balcony, ya dig it?
Was that English? We live in New York, we speak American here. On second thought, can it. I don't care.
A Swinger Jameson is NOT. I bet his idea of a key party is everyone gathering at the hardware store in party hats and getting their keys copied for a group discount.
The show starts now! Ladies, Gentlemen, please hold your applause.
...
Flintridge: Jesus Christ!
JJ: Did I do that?! I was just thinking about wanting them gone!
That wasn't a random sonic blast. That was aimed! This smells like trebble.
Ack!
There's more where that came from, Flintridge! This Bard is going all night long!
A hit job on a musician? That's a new, low note for the industry. And I have to stop it!
But who could be after him? I'll find out and Spider sense tells me I'm getting warmer!
Is Spider-man across the street inner monologuing about finding me? WELL! How about we give him a clue!
That's a lot of sonic blasts! Don't like the sound of this one itty bitty bit!
Spider-man may be agile but now I play WITH FEELING
That next one feels like whoppe-JEEZ LET ME SAY WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY MUSIC MAN
Spider-man should be finished and this seems like a good place to take a bow.
Try to kick my bass will you...
Where'd he go? I could have sworn all that racket was coming from here but there's nothing here!
Spoke too soon! There's some paper! A clue!
There's a note! Several dozen of them in fact! If I could read music the mysterious malevolent musician would be in some deep sheet
Flintridge! He's responsible for the rock and roll boom! If God had intended guitars to be electric the strings would have been made from electric eels! And hips were never intended to gyrate and thrust like that! It's disgusting!
If he can use his millions to promote skinny boys with the shaggy long hair then I can take ze money und even the fight!
Und with zat money I can build the greatest conservatory of classical music and enrich the minds of impressionable teens by force! The propaganda of ghetto black men blasting Étude Op. 10, No. 12 in C minor from their bouncing cars will do the trick but first I need money!
And should he refuse I'll shoot him with music just like the picture I keep framed of him to remind me to wake up und meet ze morning with hate!
I tell you Jameson this scum has gone too far this time! Not only does he brag about causing the sonic blasts but he is trying to blackmail me! What should I do?
Good JJJ: Think about it... If you help him, he'll be obligated to do something for you! That's how good deeds work; you get recognition for doing something any decent human being normally would!
Bad JJJ: But helping takes up too much time, and money! And time! We have a paper to run and money to make! Unless he's willing to donate that ransom money to us instead, why bother?
Good JJJ: OOoh, even better! Help him, and you get a headline in the next paper! You get a chance to write about yourself! And that putz will say lots of nice things about you! And everyone will have to agree with him because it's in the paper!
Bad JJJ: Bah! Any publicity is good publicity! He could be working for Spider-man!
Good JJJ: This man is clearly a victim. And he's probably a victim of that no-good wallcrawling weasel! We could exploit him and use him to do our bidding!
JJ, darling, you're just staring at me. Look! Here's the ransom letter! He wants 100,000 dollars in an empty violin case at the Beethoven statue!
"If you call the police I'll demolish them like your so-called instruments last night"
Does he mean to call the band a bunch of tools or is he referring to the music instruments? You'd think someone who could write music could formulate a coherent extortion letter.
He meant the musical instruments. Should I be concerned that he didn't even mention the triple homicide?
You know what? No! I will not negotiate with tenorists! That sonic swindler can go play the blues!
Don't be stupid, Flintridge. These music types always need money and are horrible with finances and don't know how the real world works incredibly and gullible, we can use that to our advantage and I know just the way to trap him.
MISS BRANT
Betty: Yes Mister Jameson?
JJ: GET PARKER ON THE PHONE ON THE DOUBLE. I HAVE A JOB FOR HIM. AS BAIT.
He wants me by myself, unarmed, at Central Park by the Beethoven statue at midnight. Awww man this is one of those bait jobs again isn't it? Alright. I'll do it. They're trying to foreclose on Aunt May again.
So JJ wants me to fall victim as part of his trap but I have a feeling that the only trap tonight is getting sprung by Spider-man!
Concert's over and I've been here for hours! This is the part of the plan where I get mugged by a music-lover and the sure-fire way to do that is say wrong opinions as vocally as possible!
Frank Sinatra is an overrated hack of a singer!
No amount of drug I could take could make Ray Charles sound good!
Johnny Cash needs someone with talent writing his lyrics!
GRRRRRRR
He looked straight at me and didn't do anything! Am I doing it wrong? I'm a wimpy kid in 3 layers of clothing on a hot June night. He's going for the violin case! I've got to do something!
>Loud camera noises
Fiddler: WHAT IS THIS?
Parker: This is Candid Camera! Bye!
Ojeezojeez
He's gone! And he got the money!
Luckily there was this convenient alley to change into Spider-man right here in the middle in Central Park!
Allow me to play the song of my people
Flintridge seems ok but that Sonic Swindler must have checked to see that the case is empty by now and my spider senses are signaling danger!
Zis time there's going to be a concerto that will bring ze house down!
Fiddler: FLINTRIIIIIIIIIIDGE YOU WOULD DOUBLE CROSS MEEEEEEE?
...
No! Not muh Hi Fi Turntable!
AND MY BOOKS OF LIMERICKS!
It was one of those hit and run concerts! I bet my webs he's coming down this alley!
Spider-man: And there he is! Crouching behind those trash cans! Spidey your ability to predict the script is impeccable!
Spider-man: He has to be around here and I've got him trapped! Blackmailer! Come out and face the music!
Fiddler: Don't use that tone with me!
A steel bar piercing right through my shoulder! That really stings!
Better move this out of way or else someone will trip on it and somehow they'll find a way to blame me for it and I'll feel guilty for a couple of issues
Great! He got away again! I keep flubbing things and now the Fiddler is on the loose and this seems much more intense and personal than your run-of-the-mill blackmail!
Jameson! He did it! That madman destroyed my priceless collection of modern music! He did it on purpose!
Jameson: That's terrible all that expensive... did you say modern music? It's still NEW. Stop bitching and go some more! You HAVE the money, right? So far he's gotten nothing from you.
I do JJ I do! But he sent another more threatening
and less polite letter! He says he wants to build his own music hall with blackjack and hookers! And he's upped his demands to 500,000 dollars!
Flintridge, I don't know why you keep coming here with your problems when it's clear that I stop caring about anything you say after 10 seconds of you opening your mouth.
You mentioned a dollar amount! I do care! Did you say 5 big ones?
Flintridge: And he said I have to deliver it in person or he'll destroy my conservatory! And he means it this time! He wrote it just like that in his incredible tiny, girly handwriting!
JJ: Well, let's wait to see what the guy looks like. Parker's due back with pictures any moment.
Peter: Ayyyyyyy
Jameson: Parker! You've got the pictures!
Peter: Well I'd like to say yes but...
THIS JOB ISN'T ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE, PARKER. PHOTOGRAPHY ISN'T ABOUT TAKING PICTURES OF WHAT YOU LIKE, IF IT WAS, WE'D HAVE MORE COMPETENT PEOPLE THAN YOU DOING IT FOR FREE BECAUSE IT'S THEIR PASSION. I ASKED YOU A SIMPLE QUESTION. DID. YOU. GET. A . PICTURE. OF. THE. BLACKMAILER.
Yes, but...
BUT WHAT? YOU'VE GOT THREE SECONDS, BOY.
The fiddler blasted the camera right out of my hand! The camera landed in horse manure! It was gross!
Oh boy, the wacky-ass villain name sounds promising. This is going to be a lot of fun!
Fiddler?
Yes! A Fiddler! He was dressed in all red and he looked old and he had a deadly sonic violin! I could be calling him a violinist but fuck that, fiddler sounds better! They're the same thing anyways!
Flintridge: All in red. A fiddler. obviously evil. The Devil came up from Georgia with his golden fiddle and he's after me! What do I do JJ?
Peter: No one said anything about it being gold.
A fiddler? That changes everything! If it was a bass guitarist I'd say we we could gang up on him and beat him up but a fiddler? Their hands move too fast, they're tricky! Pay him! He must be on drugs if he thinks 500,000 will buy him a concert hall oh wait he's a musician of course he's on drugs. Long story short he'll be too embarrassed asking for so little money and getting it to ask again.
Then... hehe.... I guess we better stop "fiddling" around?
Here I am. Who... who's there?
Just us friendly neighborhood Spider-men!
Y-you're the fiddler?! But why?
Yes! it was me! Hand over the money and no one gets hurt! I'm going to take music in a new direction! 60s rock and roll is too pure! We need music with a pounding, repetitive baseline designed to give headaches while people have clothed sex and call that dancing! And blinding strobe lights! Random words that don't mean anything will be said through the songs! They don't mean anything but they're lyrics anyways!
Jameson was right! You are an insane criminal menace! You won't get away with this!
I already have! Now beat it and I just might not harmony one!
Fiddler.. Spider-man... Fiddle... Spider... OF COURSE! FIDDLEBACK SPIDER! THE CLUE WAS RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG! The police have to know!
Stop doing this. Fuck you
Fiddler: This is Flintridge's last chance. If I don't get my money I'll not only keep my promise, I'll make a sonic blast and shatter every bone in his body!
Flintridge must be hobbling to the police by now and that vindictive villainous violinist must be on his way. Time to stall.
Stop doing what?
Fiddler: Ah. Ze money. Right ver it should be.
Spider-man: Hold it! Fiddler! There's a string attached!
I can't believe you've done this.
What kind of name is Fiddler anyways? Couldn't you do something clever like Maestromind or vileoso or Captain Conductor?
...
Your webs are nothing compared to ze power of music. Hand over ze money!
You're in tune with how these fights usually play out, are you?
Fiddler: Au contraire. I know how to conduct myself and I also hit za high notes!
Flintridge: Can't you drive any faster?
Officer: THE SPEED LIMIT IS THE LAW. AND I'M THE LAW. WHAT KIND OF LAW MAN CAN'T KEEP THE LAW? PINKY TOE. 35 MPH. WE'LL GET THERE. IF I GO EVEN 36 MPH WE'LL BOTH BE ON RED ASPHALT 7 WITH PRETTY, PRETTY GLASS NECKLACES. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A PRETTY GLASS NECKLACE? THAT'S WHAT YOU GET AT 36 MPH. I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR CARNAGE CAUSED AT ANYTHING ABOVE 35. SO WE DRIVE 35. STAY ALIVE AT 35.
Right on cue