It's time for a Spider-man. This week's episode features magic and dragons and evil ancient spellcasters from thousands of years ago. What does that do with Spidey? It's contrived but they connect the dots.
Spider-man (1967) The Evil Sorcerer
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At least doing this gets my mind off of Star Trek Discovery for a while
We start tonight's episode at the magic gathering
Brasmond you knave! You've declined my offer of a rap battle, a dance battle, a strip off, and a battle of wits. All thats left to decide who gets to conquer the world is a magic battle.
I'll show you once and for all that my red deck is better than your red/green deck
Spare yourself the disappointment of defeat by giving up now. I don't like you, I don't like your hair, I don't like your short shorts, I don't like that you do all your shopping at Hot Topic
exceptional setup and delivery
At least I have hair and I'm thin enough to wear Hot Topic apparel, Kohtep. You brought your demon armies and I brought mine and they're both going to witness you go down in flames, scrub
Challenge accepted. And to show you how powerful I am and how little I care for hiding power levels I'm 28, virgin, live in my mom's basement.
shits weak, mono white samurai deck
37, paid a prostitute to get to first base, eat cold spaghettios
OH SHIT DAWG IT'S ON NOW
I start out attacking you directly with magic
And in addition I summon my green eyes red dragon!
SHIT! I also cast at you directly and I'll also summon a creature
Flying Cobra! It's immune to summining sickness and it'll thrash your weakass dragon
...
YAMERO
black lotus - tap sacrifice
cast three dark riutals
summon grislebrand
You didn't look at my monster's attributes at all, did you?
...
What? No! This cannot be! Wait! Make the duel best of three!
Not happening! Kohtep only plays the high-stakes games, Brasmond. I'll enjoy using your skull as a paperweight.
What's that light?
FWOOOOSH
AHHHHHHHHH THAT'S CHEATING. I KNOW WE BOTH DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES BUT THAT'S NO FAIR. THAT'S NOT FAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIR
And now I'm a statue, I guess.
>10,000 years later
Nice red hair Barbara, it'd look even nicer on my bedroom floor!
Whaaaaaaaat. That doesn't make any sense and it's even creepier somehow
Why are you following me, Peter, I've got to go the archeology museum to study archeology for the archeology test about archeology
PFFF Archeology. Who cares about old pots and sticks and buildings and bones? They're just making up stories about junk they find and call that a field of study. How about we hit the beach instead and study up on some waves and build sand castles and stuff
See, Peter, your mouth says you hate archeology and yet you have a massive boner pointing right at the museum right now. Besides, I like history stuff and I hate skin cancer so I think the museum is the place for me.
So much for reverse psychology. I was acting the opposite of how I usually do and everything!
Magic! Magicians! Demons! The ancient times were full of that shit and they practiced all sort of magic games all over the world but especially in ancient Egypt!
We don't know a lot about their advanced barbaric rituals, but we know that fought magic wars over every little thing all the time and one of these evil generals from 10,000 years ago was named Kohtep the scarlet sorcerer. Why he picked that as a title? Your guess is as good as mine.
But he killed a lot of men, but he was also a kind and gentle tyrant. He'd obliterate his enemies and make things out of their bones, Kohtep was good at arts and crafts. He'd make jungle gyms and swingsets and other playgrounds for the magician children out of the bones from his enemies and host lavish demonic dance parties where people could drink the blood of slain demons, legend says their blood tastes a lot like club soda, but we can't confirm.
Gosh professor! That's awful! Was it really like that?
Of course not! I'm making most of this up on the spot. It's still going to be on the test so take notes.
Oh, hey — it's our friendly board Spider-Man abridger! Always nice to see you.
And I'm a damned good storyteller and I'm not letting that talent go to waste.
Thanks
Kohtep ruled across the lands, but eventually he was vanquished for his arrogance and put in bondage, cursed to live on as a statue as his spirit is lost in the abyss of the time. Legend speak of a magic formula that a modern magician could use to bring Kohtep back to this dimension and use his powers to rule this reality.
Professor: Alright. Class dismissed. Remember that test is on Monday.
Barbara: Even the lies?
Professor: Especially the lies.
Bob: Hey Barbara, how bout we head down and I treat us both to a cold pop?
Barbara: You mean a soda?
Bob: No, I mean a pop.
Barbara: You're dead to me.
Damnit Albert! You've gone too far this time! Your tenure can't save you this time! I've been getting complaints that you've been freaking out your classes with spooky legends about the occult and wizards and I don't care how close to October it is, this is unacceptable.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TEACHING WOODSHOP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Ah, but I constructed those stories. That counts for shop class.
All this about Kohtep and ancient wizard battles and a magic formula to bring him back to life. It's a bunch of nonsense that has no place in an institute of higher learning!
I SAY IT'S NOT NONSENSE! I've studied the statue and inscriptions and I'm ready to begin my experiment! Think of the fame, the funding, the recognition I'll get when I summon an obviously evil sorcerer from the past to the world of today and force him to do what I want!
I've always wanted a butler
And when I document me conjuring up his spirit and restoring his body and magically unifying them in tandem! What a triumph for science it will be!
Triumph for Science? Are you hearing yourself? Applying science to magic? You've got completely mad! You need a psychiatrist!
FOOL! WHEN I MASTER MAGIC I'LL BE ABLE TO SUMMON AS MANY PSYCHIATRISTS AS I WANT!
I'll show you! I'll show you all!
This is not the sort of image I expect to see in a Spidey cartoon.
Dean: Get out of here before I call the science police.
Professor: Fine! I'll go! But as certain as members of the internet discovering additional genders, I'll be back!
Peter: Oh hey Barbara, I was going to see if you wanted to go out for a cola, but I see you're drinking coffee with Bob.
Barbara: Yeah, we agreed to disagree and I let him treat me to some java.
Bob: you mean A cup of joe.
Barbara: Keep talking and this is going down your shirt
Peter: I guess I'll be going then...
Barbara: Nonsense! I like tricycles, so I would never object to third wheels like you, Peter. Pull up a chair.
Bill Nye?
BY ANUBIS, BY SET, BY ISIS, BY OSIRIS, BY ISIL, BY PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON, I SUMMON YOU, KOHTEP. RETURN! RETURN TO THE ERF!
nyeh. 5 more minutes.
Wake up! Wakey wakey from your eternal slumber!
I don't wanna
WHATEVER. NOW I CAN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP. RUDE.
I have returned once more to this plane of existence. After 10,000 years I'm free. It's time to conquer Earth.
But before that, who was the one who awoke me from my stoney prison?
Me! It was me! I freed you and now you have to serve me! I need your help to overthrow my boss and make me the new leader of University! And make those neighbors of mine keep their dogs from barking all night!
AHA! You think just because you freed me I have to serve you? Isn't that cute!
BUT IT'S WRONG
What care I for such as you? Begone amatuer! Before I beat you with my magic stick!
Last thing I remember I was cheated out of ruling the world with my magic army and so I shall redouble my efforts and build a new and bigger army
I was just thinking about your storytimes. Thank god youre still here.
WITH BLACK MAGIC
Hey, Gerry Duggan's a hack!
But I thought you used a red deck with red magic?
Yep.
I thought it over and black is the new red. And now I shall summon my strongest demon.
Sup.
Don't come any closer! If you let me live I'll give you this hat!
Watch out for the Shaq attack!
Did you hear something? It sounded like 150 pound jobber was thrown across the room by a 300 pound professional wrestler and sold it really well!
Let's go check it out!
It's the statue! It's alive!
this amount of dedication is remarkably disturbing
Don't call me a statue, I'm a very personable guy once you get to know me. I'm Kohtep and let me introduce my #1 demon. This is Jerry, Jerry the demon. He'll be killing you all today and feasting on your entrails but at least you'll know his name.
Jerry! You face the mighty Bob. I shall be your opponent. I'd tell you to say your prayers but you're a demon.
You come at me with a lamp? If I need help redecorating I know who to call.
Everyone! Rush him together! We'll throw our bodies at him until he falls!
IT'S NOT WORKING
Don't post images in the thread fucknut
Seriously? No one had any holy water? Do I have to do everything myself?
Barbara: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? EVERYONE'S GOING TO DIE. WHY AREN'T YOU THROWING YOUR SMALL BODY WITH EVERYONE ELSE
Peter: I'm going to get help! Leggo!
Barbara: Peter! You! You you!
DOUBLE COWARD
Cowards go get help? Cowards call 911? Sheeeeesh
Isn't Jerry great? He's like the son I never had, so I created one out of the darkness.
I'm thinking of instead of killing you maybe I'll send you to either the negaverse or the shadow realm but I can't decide where. Anyone have a coin?
If you need something flipped I'm more than happy to flip you off.
It's some sort of red and blue creature with the powers of a spider! Are you some kind of Spider-demon?
No, that's Doppleganger. I'm Spider-man. Man-Spider looks like a demon but isn't and man-spider is a mistake we don't discuss.
Now taste a web full of fists!
Is that all you got? You're staring down Jerry and you try and immobilize me? Big mstake.
BLAAAAAAAAARG
My third degree burns mean I'm free
Nice trick, bet you're a hit at parties and barbeques.
Talk about dragon breath! Someone get that guy a mint!
Kohtep: Spider-man, I am Kohtep, I hail from the land of the old and I am the greatest magician in the world and none shall withstand me.