Spider-man (1967) The Vine

It's time for this week's Spider-man storytime. Tonight you can expect time travel and botanical terrorism.

Let's get started

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Previous Spider-man eps
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"Isn't it great that my parents bought us this house as an early engagement present, Peter? We've only been together for 2 years and they've already been laying it on thick that they want grandchildren"

"Can't wait to fill this place this place with some average-looking children"

Say, whose house was this anyways? They left all their crap inside and it looks hella abandoned

Some mad scientist, he was really mad all the time and my parents thought you'd like to live here because while you're never made, you really love science. I think is name was Professor Smithers?

Oh! That Professor Smithers! He was the one who claimed the Earth wasn't round or flat but a mobius strip, he was researching a vaccine for Protestantism and he was developing a weapon to destroy the color blue. His head was in a dark place after the divorce.

I wonder what happened to him? People like that never go away quietly, they always take a lot of people with them.

Have I fought him yet? You meet a lot of professors and scientists in my line of work.

Hey Peter come on over and take a look at whats in the box

...

Well, what is it?

Jackie, at first glance it looks like sort of tribble, but it's not. When I touch it, it feels like some sort of crossbreed between a coconut and a kiwi and it's warm and shaking a little bit.

Peter, we're in October and I don't like the look of this one bit. Just don't feed it after midnight, or during a full moon, or a blood moon, or a super moon. On second thought, let's just not feed it at all.

Oh Jackie, you worry too much. You told me not enter sweepstakes or contests and yet won us early tickets to that new Chris Farley/Robin Williams movie about neighbors who don't like each other. Life can't be all, bad, can it? My Parker luck has done pretty well for us so far.

Here, I'll leave it in the sun by the window. Ok?

Thank you Saturday Night Storytimer, I always enjoy these

PETER LOOK OUT!

WHAT IS IT? IT WAS HIDDEN UNDER A SHEET!

"Looks like a giant magnet or maybe a horseshoe. What if we put baby's playroom here, paint this thing green and put a cereal theme to the whole room? Kids love to be reminded of marshmallows

There's some notes in this diary... wait, the word "diary" is scratched out and "journal" is written over it. More importantly, and I should have said this first, is that this belongs to Professor Smithers! According to this the device before us is some sort of time machine

Time machine? You've got to be kidding me. You're reading it wrong let me see that.

"Dear Journal. The resistance against the plants has failed. Doc Gangere has sold us out to Plant Overlord Oprah Winfrey. there was only 100,000 humans left on the planet and I'm afraid that there isn't much time left for our species. That plant Oprah rules with iron fronds .
They don't have a weakness, fire doesn't work, herbicide doesn't work, nothing works. Which is why I intended this time machine, maybe in some other time we can find a way. I took as many people as I could to safety, to rewrite this nightmare world, anything is better than serving as pets or fighting for blood sport.

"If are reading this, and plants still rule, please follow me back in time and continue my efforts. The room is lined with anti-chronotrons and the machine has enough power for one more jump to the past, to 3 million BC, when the plants were smaller and weaker.

I was studying one of their baby plants for weaknesses in their plant genetic makeup. I've learned a great deal, the plants absorb any and all energy and use it to grow exponentially. Over the millions of years they've developed immunity or resilience to most forms, but there has to be something that can work. Please. Please don't let our efforts be for nothing.

- Smithers

P.S. Whatever you do, don't expose that seed to direct sunlight. It'll kill ya.

P.S.S. Seriously. Don't.

SUNLIGHT! OH NO

We just got this place and we've already wrecked it. Go us.

I'M GONNA BE A BIG STAR! BROADWAY HERE I COME! NOT GONNA LET LIFE PASS ME BY AS SOME WALLFLOWER

IS THAT WHERE NEW YORK IS AT? ANYONE?

>watching MST3K
>get in on this thread early
Life is good.

It's absorbing everything in its path! There's nothing I can do as Spider-man!

That's a good evening

IT'S BEAUTIFUL! I'M GROWING STRONGER BY THE MINUTE AND NO ONE'S KEEPING THIS PLANT OFF THE STAGE

Only solution left is the time machine? It has to be the only way!

Jackie! I'll change into Spider-man and try to find a dinosaur or something to bring back to eat the plant. You go and round up as many vegetarians as you can and tell them there's an all-you-can-eat buffet in town!

3 Million BC here I come!

New York was a lot more tropical way back when. But where are the dinos?! There's no time!

Someone who doesn't belong has arrived. I'm going to tie them up and kiss the hell out of them

Gimme a kiss. One of those special upside down kisses I've heard so much about. Just one kiss. That's all I ask.

Dsl

WITH LOTS OF TONGUE

The situation has reversed and the best I can do for a prehistoric pepe is kissing your ass goodbye.

That wasn't much of a threat so why is my Spider-sense going off still?

...

At least I found SOMEONE

What are you, red and blue creature? If you're a plant we've got a woodchipper and we're not afraid to use it.

I'm Spider-man! You must be Professor Smithers! I was in your house and used your time-machine! I read your diary. The seed's grown into a death plant and you have to help me stop it!

You mean you read my JOURNAL

Spider-man: It doesn't matter! The vine-thing is on the loose and heading to New York. We've got to stop it before it gets there.

Smithers: Dude, chillax. We're in the past, the future hasn't happened yet. We have all the time in the world.

Spider-man: But I don't know what to do!

Smithers: And there's no plants ruling the earth?

Spider-man: No, just the one from your attic.

Smithers: Hmmm you do have a problem. If its left alone it could reproduce and make a new plant empire. Ok I'll help.

Thanks for another nice storytime, OP.

Smithers; I've been fighting a war against the evil plants here for ... 20 years now? The plants DO have a weakness. It's pure radium. Super Concentrated giant radium.

Sweet, life-giving radium. But we're out of radium, and there's only one place you can get it now.

You see that city? We used to live there until we got kicked out. In that city there's a giant idol I built and its eyes are made of pure Radium.

Spider-man: Why were you kicked out? Why are your men blue?

Smithers: I'm getting to that! When I arrived here I brought my best men, but my men were mutated into big dumb blue guys and I'm losing all my hair.

Spider-man: The radium? It's killing you too!

Smithers: Nah, we love the cancer. We built that city and there were radium gems all over the place back then and we'd use it to fend off the plants. Any time we found a plant we'd feed it a radium gem. The energy was too much and they'd die. We decided to put the last two gems in the idol.

Smithers: That idol was pretty friggin metal if I do say so myself and we're in 3 million BC so there's no christians around to raise a fuss.

So then the radium is good and I just need to go over there and get the gems?

Smithers: Not so fast! The plants, they also mutated from the radium and one day they took over and drove us from our city and now we're stuck here in this second-rate city. Those gems are heavily guarded now.

Those plants, they're addicted to the radium, they feed off its energy but slowly, it's the only kind of energy they want now and they'll not let anyone near those gems. So instead of killer plants you've got hyperviolent addict superplants to deal with.

SO THE RADIUM'S BAD?

No you idiot, they're addicts. They can't get enough, so if you steal the radium the plants can't live without it. They'll suffer from withdrawal and going cold turkey means death. And THEN you can take the gems back to your time and feed them directly to your plant then and all our problems will be solved

I don't understand this at all but whatever, I'll improvise. He didn't have to call me names

AND REMEMBER! DON'T MESS UP TIME! ANY CHANGE YOU MAKE MAY HAVE PROFOUND EFFECTS ON THE FUTURE

Oh boy a visitor! I bet he could use a friend!

HIIIIII

MOTHERFUCKER

HELP! SOMEONE HELP! THERE'S A MAN-CREATURE AFTER ME HEEEEEEEELP

That bug-thing has one cute little pile of guts

HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT MAN-THING CHASED THAT BUG OFF THE CLIFF AND NOW HE'S HEADING THIS WAY,

I'm right here next to you.

ALERT THE PLANT EMPEROR

I MEAN YOU. I MEAN NOW.

I'm going I'm going. It's hard running when all you've got is roots ya know?

Spider-man: That must be the city

...

Plant Emperor Vine! They are reports that a man-creature has invaded our territory and may be in our city as we speak!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? HOW DARE HE! THOSE ANIMALS ARE GETTING BRAVE WITH THEIR MULTI-CELLED IMPUDENCE. WHAT IS BEING DONE TO STOP THIS MAMMALIAN VERMIN

Well, We set up a trap near the giant idol. We figured you'd want to see some blood sport and watch him fight to his death?

You presumed that I'd want you to set a trap deep inside our territory, to the one place where he'd be heading to, close to our one weakness solely for the chance to watch him fight to death? You assumed I'd want that?

You thought correctly! This is why we floral life forms shall rule the Earth we sprung from. Because we're so uncomplicated! Prepare the fanged one. Let the man-thing get to the temple.

There's a whole lot of plants in the way. What do you call a group of plants anyways? A garden?

Guard duty alone again? Eh, gives me a chance to work on my routine.

What's the deal with photosynthesis? How can I photosynthesize if I'm too busy being photogenic?

But seriously folks, why is it that when I wake up and smell the fertilizer, it always puts me in a crappy mood?

I mean, I don't live in the seedy part of town, and when I really put the petal to the metal I get to work before traffic gets bad. A good rosebud-dy of mine even tells me that I'm doing pretty good for a late bloomer.

I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses and remember there's a two water drink minimum

WEED YOU'VE BEEN WHACKED

Wow, that felt really good. No wonder people enjoy pruning and upkeeping gardens so much

Good lord, with how long each post takes, it makes you wonder if he makes it up as he goes along, or plans it ahead of time.

...

There's the gems!

HEY HUMAN, IF YOU DON'T LEAF US ALONE, WE'RE GONNA TREE-T YOU TO A BEATING. WE'LL BE THE THORNS IN YOUR SIDE AS WE GIVE YOU YOUR CHLORO-FILL OF VIOLENCE

And now, Viewer Mail with Pig!

youtube.com/watch?v=Xka6q7_mwIM

This has been Viewer Mail with Pig! We now return to Spider Man in "The Vine".

I don't get it shut up

youtube.com/watch?v=xn6hhrX34Pw

Getting rid of weeds is really relaxing. Just going to *yawn* take a little nap

Damnit how'd I end up here?

"We didn't want to wake you until you got to the arena. You were so cute and peaceful!"

MAN, I LOVE NEW YORK. THERE'S SO MUCH FERTILIZER IN THESE HERE WATER. LOOK, I'M NOT JUST A KAIJU ACTER, I'M VERSATILE. I CAN PLAY LEADING ROLES, SUPPORTING ROLES, VILLAINS, COMEDY RELIEF, I'LL DO ACTION SCENES, ROMANCE SCENES, DRAMA, I'LL EVER DO BEE POLLINATION SCENES IF THEY'RE TASTEFUL

Awww shucks I've pulled the mother of all boners this time

HOW DARE YOU COME TO OUR CITY, YOU WITH YOUR ANIMAL INSOLENCE. YOU WOULD DARE CHALLENGE OUR VEGETABLE SUPERIORITY? YOU'RE ONLY FIT TO FIGHT FOR OUR AMUSEMENT

Ugh. Someone kill that human already. The sight of him and all his proteins disgusts me.

Hmm... Maybe I should have held on to that Viewer Mail vid a bit longer.

I'd say I'm at least an 8/10 myself.

Don't post while he's storytiming, mega-faggot

LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN

FIGHT

Am I on? This is my chance! Remember, he's the heel, I'm the face. The crowd is on my side and this guy looks like a jobber.

I'll squash you like the bug you are! I'll fight you in the ring, out of the ring, any day of the week, this is my ring, I'm the painter and you're my canvas and I don't need a chair or a ladder to put you under!

You better run! I invented the pain game as you soon shall see

This is a little too real for this spider!

Once you're pinned you're not getting out as soon as I... as soon as I pull. myself. free.

Someone tag in!