Spider-man (1967) Home

It's Saturday and that means it's time for another episode of Spider-man. Tonight's episode has a female with Spider-man's powers and abilities? What a novel idea! And done in a show nearly a decade before Jessica Drew existed. Let's find out what that's all about.

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We begin our episode at the coffee shoppe

Ladies and Gentlemen, please put your hands together for tonight's band playing at the Coffee Shoppe, Rude Noise!

Introducing!

Mark and John on guitars! Ladies, Mark is single and eager not to be and John is married and eager not to be. Send your underwear their way!

Jerome on the drums. He's the happy-go-lucky one and he looooooves to party.

Cynthia on the maracas/vocals. She's always looking for a good time!

And last but not least, David and Zardark also on guitars. David's the quiet, solitary type and Zardark isn't human and hibernates one week every month!

Nothing better than spending your weekends hangin' at the coffee shoppe reading your novelty newspapers and studying for next week's exams. There's nothing quite like reading the news in size 72 font.

If Jameson knew I patronized a rival paper he'd disembowel me and that's ok. I like living dangerously. But there's something about this headline that's my Spider-sense go haywire. But is it the news? The paper itself or the high chance that I'm due for a papercut?

"Hey Parker whatcha reading?

"The Dead Sea Scrolls, what do you think?"

I think the music is calling you to the dance floor, Parker. Can't you feel the beat in your soles? Come on Parker, get a life.

Hey Rodney hey Sonya, I already have a life, and I'm choosing to spend it reading at the moment and I think you meant "soul"; you feel the beat in your "soul"

So what's up?

What's up? Not you. The frogs in science class look more lively

"But the frogs in science class are dea... ohhhhhhh!"

"Come on Peter, get up off your butt and swing a little for once in your life. I DARE you to dance with me. Prove you're a man!

No thanks! I'd rather read.

There's beautiful, single chicks all over the place just asking for a good time and you're spending your time ... ick... reading. Parker, you've got a lot to learn.

I am learning! I'm studying science! Where would we be without science? Answer me that! Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it!

Without science you'd be having fun.

"And without science to comfort us we'd be without refrigerators and penicillin!"

"Come on Sonya, I know a lost cause when I see one. Let's blow this popsicle stand and go buy some popsicles"

Damn it! Science IS important but how can I make them see it? If only there was some way to scientifically prove that science is important...

Hello, I couldn't help but overhear you talking about science and how it is important. I too, believe that science is important and without it we wouldn't have indoor plumbing or air conditioning. Can I sit down and talk to you more about science, scientifically?

Well sure! Pull up a chair!

She's beautiful and she's making my Spider-sense tingle.

Or is my dick?! I can't tell anymore!

Hello, my name is Carol Carker and I'm a freelance photographer and I enjoy parkour at night. What's your name?

"HI I'M SPIDER-PETER! PETER PARKER!"

Whew. That was a close one. I haven't seen you before, you new around here?

I'm new to this... place you call New York. It was interesting seeing a giant green statue of a woman. It's quite different than what I'm used to where I'm from. Since I'm new could you show me around? Where the museums, science labs, and best nuclear research facilities are?

I know where all of those things are! But first! Let's dance!

Dance Start!

>24 hours and 5 minutes later.

Peter: WOW! I didn't know dancing was so much fun! Do you want a shake?

Carol: I'd love to but I should be heading home. It has been a day after all.

Peter: When can I see you again? Tomorrow? Here?

Carol: That sounds great. I hope the band will be ok. They look a little dead after playing one song for 24 hours straight. See you!

Life is great! I feel like swinging for joy! I can't wait to meet Carol tomorrow. You hear me, New York, Spider-man's going to finally get to first base!

Life is great, if only the powers that be let stuff like this happen to me more often.

What's this? That woman broke into the Acme store? It makes sense that the security system wouldn't work, but someone should warn that burglar that those products are dangerous and she's liable to throw out her back lifting like that

And as usual that someone is me.

Spider-man? Go away!

(It's Carol!)

If people could just learn to ask politely they'd get a lot more cooperation. I can't allow you to take that box.

You're going to have to stay put and explain yourself to me and the once again to the police.

...

Spider-man: Hey! I'm the only Spider-person allowed here. You want more than one, go check out Spider-Man (2017) but please don't I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Carol: You can't stop me. Anything you can do I can do better than you.

No, you can't
Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can
No, you can't
Yes, I can! Yes, I can!

Anything you can be I can be greater
Sooner or later I'm greater than you
No, you're not
Yes, I am
No, you're not
Yes, I am
No, you're not
Yes, I am, yes I am

I can shot web

I can shot web harder... no... can't move. I'm stuck! You win this round.

Don't worry Spider-man. The webbing will dissolve in a couple of hours. Think happy thoughts.

Please don't get in my way again. I've got places to go and people to summon and it'll go a lot easier if you're not around to get beat up and incapacitated

The real superpower is how no one can see up this skirt when I'm mid-air.

Carol's got a lot of explaining to do at our date tomorrow

I'm here 2 hours early but maybe she'll be here early too and we'll be early together!

She'll be here any time now, but where did she come from, where'd she get her powers? Took me 2 hours to get out of there. I mean, it's not like every girl can tie me up like that.

But I wish more would!

She's not coming is she? It's midnight. *sigh*

Maybe I'll find here out here. If I were me I'd know I'd be waiting for me to go to the coffee shoppe and she knows me well enough to know what I'd do so she's obviously out here expecting me to wait all night! There's still time!

Jackpot

Peter Parker? Why? Again? Go away!

Stop getting in my way. This is important stuff! I can't let everyone die!

Carol! Anything you can do I can do better I can web swing better than you!

I'm not doing that anymore! Leave me alone!

Not until we have our date! You promised!

oops

Spider-man do you have any idea what you've done?! We needed that! We were going to create a pocket universe here to protect the others and now you've ruined it all!

Carol: Let me go! Peter! We don't have time for this!

Spider-man: Not so fast. Not until you explain everything to me because I am so lost.

First, how do you know I'm Peter? This mask is perfect! I mean, what makes you think I'm Peter Parker?

You don't know? People with spider-powers are drawn to one another! You never questioned why they all come to New York City?

My spider-sense tingled just like yours! That's how I knew!

How many more of these spider-people are there?

Someone call for a Gatekeeper?

I have to go now. bye.

It's been fun! I'd love to trade super heroic stories if we had more time!

What the fuck? You keep running and not explaining anything.

WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

More Spider-people? I don't want to fight you two! I want to talk to your hot friend!

She's not out friend she's more like a cousin or boss's daughter and why not talk to us? We're benevolent Turkish Spider-men. You can tell because we swapped the color scheme.

Turk Spider-men, quit with the banter and get the ship unstuck. Don't play his game. You should know better.

Sorry Spider-man, we can't talk. Duty calls.

A little fire webbing ought to do the trick

They really do try to help peter out of his shell

And I thought I had web hax. That's some next level stuff.

Ok! Now! Get him before he turns the fight around ! He's the underdog and that makes him dangerous! Watch each other's backs and hit him before he gets more one-liners in!

On it! We're going to stuck it to him now!

She's good. But this webbing won't hold me for long! Just you wait!

You don't have to stick around for us.

You godddamn pieces of shits are stealing my best material

Wherever you go I'm tagging along. There's a plot here ... I think.

And here we are in... New Mexico? Did I really swing that far? I kind of zoned out there.No turning back now.

He followed us all the way here. What do we do now? He's gaining!

We can summon the mutant spider?

Yeah. That sounds good and ironic.

MUTANT SPIDER. WE BRING YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND GRANT YOU THE GIFT OF LIFE.

YEAH YOU BROUGHT ME TO LIFE. SO WHAT? LIFE SUCKS AND I HATE IT AND I HATE THIS CAVE AND I HATE YOU TOO. I HATE EVERYTHING

I HATE IT ALL, CAN'T YOU TELL BY THESE ANGRY EYES?

HEY YOU. SPIDER-MAN. STOP MOVING AROUND SO MUCH I HATE IT WHEN THEY RUN.

WHAT? YOU THINK YOU CAN COVER ME WITH WEBBING TO CALM ME DOWN. I HATE THAT TOO.

YOU THINK HAVING THE HIGH GROUND IS GOING TO HELP YOU? I HATE LOOKING UP. GOD.

Spider-man: I think you need some time alone to work things out with yourself.

Mutant Spider: I HATE BEING LEFT TO MY OWN THOUGHTS. KILL ME. KILL ME NOW OR LET ME KILL YOU.

Spider-man: If I find a shrink I'll send him your way.

So this is their base eh? Is it a cake pop castle or is this the legendary lollipop guild?

No gawkers

eeeep

Greetings Spider-man. We've been expecting you. At long last you've made your way here.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Peter Parker. THE Peter Parker. .

Is this some kind of trick? I'm Peter Parker, that's what's written on my underwear. If this is a clone thing can one of you guys snap my neck now and put me out of my misery?

It's not a trick, but for convenience sake you may call me Spider-father or Parker Prime. There's alternate Earths out there and I am Peter Parker from Earth 1 and every Spider-man in existence is some deviation from me. I got my spider powers from a magic ring I found in my Uncle Ben's attic and became Spider-man and I loved an uneventful but satisfying life. I married Gwen Stacy, got a doctorate in physics, had children and later grandchildren. Every last one of my rogues I jailed or rehabilitated. I don't do much webswinging these days but now a crisis threatens to kill everyone with spider powers in existence and that's why we need your help. I believe you've already met Carol from Earth 63.

In my universe everything is gender swapped from yours. I had just got done fighting the Gal Goblin who had teamed up with FemVenom and SheLectro. I'm also a photographer, and I work for Jaye Jenna Jameson as my alter-ego. I became the hero I am today after losing my dear Aunt Bea in a tragic shooting accident, and I'm trying to take care of my Uncle Mayes in the meantime.

I've been here, testing you. Ironic that Earth 1967 would have the most durable Spider-man and the one most likely to save us all.

Spider-man: Me? I'm the most durable Spider-man? But what of all the others out there? There's Kaine and Ben Reilly or 2099 Spider-man, right? Why me?

Carol: They all can't take a beating like you. In no universe is there a Spider-man that has taken so many blows to the head, fallen off buildings and shrugged it off, and been shot as much as you and here you are. Fit as a fiddle.

Spider-man: Well what about that Miles Morales character? Don't you want him?

AHAHAHAHA just kidding. No one wants Miles.

Yes! That's the Spirit! We need you. The test you read about in the newspaper, remember? What they don't know is that it'll kill every one of us and we need to stop it. So we tested you. We pitted you against Carol, the Gatekeeper, the mutant Spider. You passed every trial expect for the mutant spider. You were supposed to defeat him so we're not so sure about you but you're the best we got.

Spider-man: So what do you need me to do? Blow it up? Stop it from unleashing its death ray? Why can't you guys do that?

We would if we could, idiot! It's unleashing an energy field that's deadly to people with Spider powers. It's set to go off soon and you stand the biggest chance to succeed.