Spider-man (1967) Blotto

I believe it's time for your weekly dose of this Spider-man show. In tonight's episode generic villain of the week makes an ill-defined blob monster named Blotto come to life and run amok and it's up to Spider-man to find a way to deal with them both. But this time the episode's better than most. I think. I don't know I have a headache. This show does things to you if you watch enough of it.

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Ooga Booga I'm Blotto the blotting blob monster. Pleased to meet ya.

I've done it! I've done it! This is ART! Every shot, every line of dialogue is a masterpiece. I loved making this movie and I can't stop myself from watching it to see how good of a job I did.

Blotto also doubles as the world's largest and most heinous ink blot test.

Colin: Yes, sir. It's very good.. whatever it is.

Clive: Well, Colin, what do you see?

A pretty bunny rabbit? I don't know, man. What am I supposed to see?

I ALREADY GAVE YOU THE NAME OF MOVIE. IT'S BLOTTO. BLOTTO FROM THE BLOTTO SERIES OF MONSTER MOVIES I MADE. You know? From such movies as.

Blotto the Devourer
Return of Blotto the Devourer
Blotto does Omaha
Blotto the musical
Scooby Doo meets Blotto
Blotto versus Dr. Tran

It's what I do and they're all great.

Except the critics and the unwashed morons don't agree. They called me diet Roger Corman. They said my monsters were fake and unrealistic. They even called Blotto's acting wooden when he's clearly ink! They just don't get it/

why tho
just stop

So I cut some corners and made most of my movies on a 10,000 dollar budget using friends and family as cast members So what? That's called being frugal. How can anyone not say THAT isn't a terrifying monster.

I try I really do with what I've been given.

But Clive Cliverclove listens to his critics. They want a more realistic monster? I'll give them a more realistic monster.

"Blotto does Omaha".

Okay, that got me.

I've spent a decade developing this Spirit Scope and when I fire it at the screen it bring whats on it to real life. If I do that then they can't call my Blotto fake if he's real and then those critics will have to eat their words seconds before Blotto eats them!

Obvious troll is obvious.

You put a scope on a cane? Why tho?

If it's good enough for Ed Wood...

Because I can! You just can't understand the simpler things in life, Colin. Now stand back! We're making movie history in my living room.

He looks so alive now! And also hungry that little guy can eat that's for sure. Now remember, Blotto likes to devour things it considers inefficient or unneeded because it's the world's first autistic monster.

They said it was insulting to people with disabilities, I say it makes him DEEP.

Oh, Colin, be a dear and open the door. We don't want Blotto thinking his master isn't needed anymore after being set free.

Bye Blotto! Have fun!

Blotto?

Oh sure open one door for me but not the other. Why would they have them so close together?

And don't think I didn't notice that you had a trash can right next to your stairwell. Civilized people keep their trash in the back. After I'm done with the city I'll be back.

Colin: So ... can your spirit scope make anything come to life?

Clive: Yes Colin, I know you've always wanted to see how a deathmatch between Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins would play out and now I can make your dream come true.

Colin: Really?! After all these years of making nothing of value you've finally got something to be proud of!

Clive: Yes, I suppose this may "blot" out my lesser successes

There's a lot of crap this city doesn't need and I'm the monster to set things straight.

BAH! The postal service! They lose every money every year! They should just privatize it and let Fedex , UPS, and Amazon handle the mail and save the taxpayer some change.

GONE

Who needs five trash cans? Get a dumpster!

Gonna be a long night

"Peter, why are you driving with your high beams on?"

"Who are you and why are you in this car with me?

"You mean you don't recognize me and why didn't you say anything when I got in the car?

"Don't feel like turning my head tonight "

>No Blotto in the Hood
Shit series

"So you don't know me? I'll give you a hint, I'm a white-haired attractive woman who hangs around Spider-man."

"Aunt May!"

"Try again"

"Emma Frost?"

"White. Hair"

"Storm?"

"You're not even trying. It's Black Cat! Black Cat! I'm here!"

"Ohhhhhhhh"

Peter: Is it really ok for you to cameo here?

Black Cat: Yeah why not? We're on our way to page 10 and it's not like anyone's going to see us, there's no cars. Why is that?

Peter: We're taking a shortcut.

Black Cat: But where are all the people...

Don't let that stuff bother you.

The best part about driving out here is you get to hug the center line and use your high beams like a badass

Black Cat: True. However isn't it more badass when there's people around to notice you?

Peter: Uh...

Peter: Oh. Darn. We're out of gas.

Black Cat: You've got to be kidding me. Now?

Peter: I don't have the ability to go for another 5 minutes!

Black Cat: That's what he said.

Look at this. This is not even a truck! There's nothing inside! It's just a prop parked on the street! Why is it here?

omnomnomnom

The hell was that? You see that?

Look at this. Why are people still buying American when they can get better mileage and more years from a Honda.

AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE? AN ANTI-HERO AND HERO IN THE SAME CAR? One of you has to go!

Black Cat: Want me to change into my outfit and do something about this guy? It'll only take a sec

No I'll do it

Up we go

You have to be the heaviest 120 pound woman I've ever carried.

Black Cat: You didn't need to do that.

Peter: No, but I wanted to!

Black Cat: And you're sure you don't want to team up?

Peter: NO! NO! I mean... no thank you. I got this.

Someone call for a fire truck? Something about a giant monster attacking the city?

HOLY SHIT

That's not fire! That's not fire at all! We're firemen not goopmen!

But we have the hose and we're going to use the hell out of it.

Why would water work? I love water, everyone needs water. Water's great.

Like hell am I going to lend a hand and I don't see any of you rubberneckers offering aid. Honestly I want the monster to win for once.

Then it's up to me

I'll show them how it's done.

Spider-man: Take THIS FOAM!

Blotto: No! You're not using the P.A.S.S method! That's wasteful!

Darn.

Welp. Why did I think that would work? Now we know it's not weak to fire extinguishers at least.

Spider-man you idiot! He's got you surrounded! Get out of there! Run to the sewers!

Alright alright but I'm not asking any turtles for help. I'd never live it down.

I'm can hear him up there yelling something about how it's waste of resources to bring the fire department to fight a monster. Just have to think. Think hard. It's got to have a weakness.

O GOD NO IT'S AFTER MY HEAD NO I NEED THAT TO LIVE.

Is the grudge down here? I swear I never walked into that stupid house.

...

That was close if it weren't for naturally funky fresh antics I'd have been done for. Doesn't help that I can barely see down here. It's so dark so incredibly dark that I have to assume my way to get out of here.

Hello?

Guess I lost it and now I'm in... I don't know? You'd think there'd be a sign and locked doors.

Some sort of power plant. In the sewer? Kinky.

But if I'm down here and that monster didn't follow me then that must mean... I made a huge mistake

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP

What is this? There's no guard rails! Redo this part. Make it better.

Omnomnom

MEANWHILE IN THE SITUATION ROOM

General : The monster has spread out around the city and we're running out of safe places for civilians to hold up. Currently the supermarkets, laudromats, and the waterfront has been untouched but there's no telling how long that'd last. This monster is ripping through everything it considers inefficient at incredible speed.

But we're safe in this bunker aren't we? We're all important elected or appointed officials or members of the armed forces. We're essential.

General: Are you really essential Mr. Vice Mayor? Are you really? What do you do?

Vice Mayor: Well I uh assist the mayor and I...

General: Exactly. No, my friend, we're all in grave danger. Do you have any idea how much the military wastes? If you have piece of paper I'll jot down some figures with my 50 dollar pencil.

Ahahahaha! I see you've met my pet, Blotto. If you don't do exactly what I tell you I'll send the monster the Washington D.C. and then you'll see it raise some hell.

What I want is for you to fully fund my next movie "Blotto in da Hood", watch all 67 of my movies and give them ALL favorable reviews. I want at least a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes and pump it up on metacritic while you're at it.

Sir! He's on every channel! He's on the sports channel talking baseball, he's on the weather channel forecasting a 65% chance of rain over the weekend and he's on Lifetime discussing the importance of pap smears!

The man's insane! No one would capitulate to those kind of demands!

Insane am I? You're right! I am and if you want to escape this city alive you'll do what Clive wants!

My boss will be back after a message from our sponsors

youtube.com/watch?v=7JW133F0AK4

General: His demands are as baffling as they are consistent. What do you make of it?

Vice Mayor: He didn't even say his full name do you know who he is?

General: No, I was hoping you knew.

Why use a train 80 years old? Why not high speed rail? It's done wonders for Japan.

In fact this city is freaking old. What if we were to tear it down and start all over? You could make it better!

All these buttons I don't know what they do and I bet no one else does either

You know, a Spider-Man/TMNT crossover would be pretty sweet... as long as Slott was kept away with barbed wire.

Blotto, your day of reckoning is at hand.

Been waiting for this moment since I was born hours ago. I've been thinking. Why does this city need so many heroes anyways? You could cut some street level heroes and we're starting with you.

Colin: Thank you for your patience, our hijacked channel wouldn't be possible if weren't for people like you. I appreciate it. And now without further ado it's the dynamic director, the moviemaker with moxie, Clive Cliverclove!

Colin for crying out loud you don't thank the people you're threatening you make THEM thank you for not killing them.

Anywho. What did I say before? I don't remember. You've got hours to evacuate all the skyscrapers because Blotto decided they're an eyesore. It'll be filmed, of course.

Not the skyscrapers! My house is there!

My house is there too, we're roommates!

Think of the ratings! It'll be grander than the fall of Rome!

Do you think he means it? How can he possibly top the fall of Rome?

No. No one can fail that hard. Besides, he probably doesn't even know how to play a fiddle.

Vice Mayor: We have to do something!

General: I'm open to suggestions if not I'm calling in bombers and leveling the place to save what's left of the city.

Vice Mayor: But can we blot blotto before he blots us?

General: No tongue-twisters in the situation room. We've talked about this.

Hi, Ben Grimm here. Been a minute since you've seen me and my baby blue eyes ain't it? I've missed pallin' around with ya lugs. What I've come to interrupt for is this thing called "Audience Participation"

What I want ya creampuffs ta do is head on over to that Vocaroo page and record
"But can we Blot Blotto before he blots us?" 5 times fast. Record ya first time trying it and see how well ya do and then post it here.

See ya around. And now back to yer show