Spider-man thread? Yeah it's time for the Spider-man thread. This week's episode is really bad. Not just because it's me doing it, but because they clearly didn't think very hard about the "plot" when making it and threw in nonsense to fill time. Easily one of the worst. How bad? WAIT AND SEE MOTHERFUCKERS.
How you guys doing?
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We're winding down this show. The last season is coming up and most of the episodes are 95% recycled animation, so we'll be holding a vote to end these weekly experiments or move onto another show.
A big box of freshly stolen diamonds, dumped right on the table! Be careful, they're probably really sharp, they'll cut anything!
Neat haul eh, Dr. Cool, we've been hitting every jewelry store every night at midnight and it keeps paying out. We on a real hot streak, right, Dr. Cool?
"hot streak"? What the fuck is that, David? We're in the "2cool4skool" gang, we steal diamonds exclusively, my name is Dr. Cool and you're going with "hot streak?" try a little harder next time. The whole point of this gang is we get to see things like "Dr. Cool you're so cool" or "break the ice"
David: Awww C'mon cousin cut me some slack.
Dr. Cool: Don't you cousin me. In this gang we're strictly business, you get the cold shoulder just like everyone else. Now put the ice on ice.
Put the? What? Oh!
Now! Set the freezer for absolute zero! God, I love that freezer. Getting it installed cost 5 million dollars but it was worth every penny of cold, hard, cash.
Check it out!
You see, David, the problem with our operation isn't that we have all these stolen diamonds, it's finding a way to ship them off undetected. Those airports and docks, they all have diamond-sniffing dogs nowadays and they're good at their jobs, can't fool them with dog treats, can't stuff your luggage with chocolate. It's a dead giveaway.
And we'd be stuck with buckets of ice if we can't move them and this is one ice bucket challenge I'd prefer to avoid.
But if we were to freeze the diamonds to absolute zero they'd be indistinguishable from regular ice and those dogs can't get a sniff off diamond molecules at absolute zero! Negative 460 degrees. That's the magic number where molecules stop moving, they'll think we're just loading hundreds of pounds of ice cubes onto the plane and they'll be none the wiser! Ahhh absolute zero, the coldest you can go.
Why stop at minus 460? Why not minus 480? Or 1,000 degrees below zero? Isn't that colder?
Dr. Cool: Shut up David, that's not how it works! Just load the diamonds into the freezer.
David: Alright Boss. Say, Dr. Cool, when we sell this stuff, what do you think we'll get for it all?
I'd say a life sentence of cold, hard, time when the police are through with you.
See? David! He gets it! It's not hard!
Let's see him joke with a face full of hot rocks!
SIT DOWN. SPIDER-MAN WASN'T FINISHED SPEAKING.
Spidey kick!
My leg!
David, there's no need to be rude to Spider-man. He's our guest, he's got us cornered, sure, but there's no need to be uncivil. Fetch him some cereal, some Frosted Flakes and some whole milk from the good bowl.
But Dr. Cool! that's my favorite bowl!
Nothing's too good for Spider-man. Isn't not everyday you have him here. Say, Spider-man, could you step a little closer?
Here?
My God...
Spider-man, how do you like my new floor? Be honest. Had it put in last month.
The tilework is nice, clearly a professional job, the grouting is nice and deep too and they clearly took their time, not sure about the color, it is green after all but some burgundy curtains and a set of dark brown furniture would really make the place come together. Is it that a silver dollar on the floor?!
It's yours.
WAH
Dr. Cool: Ok David. Spider-man's taken a blow to the head, he's not conscious, what's the one-liner we in this gang should use?
David: Spider-man got his just deserts!
Damnit, David, that one was FREE.
Tie him up.
I'm doing well storytimer. I appreciate these as always!
Spider-man, I don't know if you can hear me, but Dr. Cool prescribes you to be frozen to death. A truly chilling fate to befall you for sure.
When we leave this freezer, you will quickly plummet to negative 460 degrees, your molecules will cease to move, but not before cool dreams set in and you experience the madness only described by Jack London
And then I'll be immortal?
AHAHAHA
no.
But you'll be the first meat popsicle to experience the end of time. You see, this freezer is powered by a nuclear generator and you'll likely keep. FOREVER. ON ICE.
That seems like an unwise investment! What if it gives me double powers! I have radioactive blood you know!
Maybe if you were The Hulk I'd be worried. For your powerset? Radioactive blood'll freeze just as nicely as the rest of you. Please, scream to your heart's content. We won't be here to hear you, there's a Macy's we want to hit tonight, but I want to imagine you screaming to death in here.
Now to lock the door. Hey David, up for an icee? We have Blue raspberry and wild cherry!
I could go for a coke icee!
Damn... he's already gone. Temperature's dropping.
I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this just need to keep moving... work my way out of these ropes but my muscles are so numb can't feel...
Spider sense is tingling like it's never tingled before. Just need to make it vibrate harder... make it set me on fire and I'll be home free.
...
It's working?
But that's not how that power works at all. It feels good to move again. My butt's all wet but I'll take it!
Hello? Dr. Cool? David? Anyone? I think I broke your expansive-ass freezer!
I'll let myself out
... What happened here?
How long have I been asleep?!
All this wasn't here before!
Don't like the look of this one bit.
OH SHIT. AND I HAD A DATE TONIGHT! WHY WHY ME
Year 199X
The world was ruined
And all Spider-man has to rely on is his webs.
Hey! With the spider tattoo on his red and blue chest! This area belongs to the prehistoric gang! Our boss, Commander Mammoth demands you give us all your food and supplies or we'll cut you to ribbons!
Cavemen! I need to talk to you! Explain some things!
We can do whatever we like! We don't have to do anything for you and what we'd like most of all is to see your blood spill!
Flavor Flav!
That's the signal!
TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB
Go Colts! 199x is our year!
Commander Mammoth shows no mercy to trespassers!
No! This can't be! New York was bad but never this bad! This can't be my city! How could it be? I was frozen in time and everything I swore to protect is all gone! It's all my fault! What can I do now? There's nothing for me! Nothing! It's hopeless! Hopeless!
Hey could you wait on the spear-chucking? I'm having a mental breakdown over here. JEEEEEZ
Yeahhhhhhhboyyyyyy!
This may not be the city I remembered or wanted but I'm still a New Yorker, Damnit, and I'm cleaning this place up!
Starting with you!
Starting to feel better already. Winning a ladder match always does it for.
Our turn!
Bravo guys, bravo.
You'll have to defeat all of us!
All of you versus me? Sounds like light exercise? Could someone please lay down a beat?
I'll get em'
Ok you got me, now how do you plan to keep me?
GET. DOWN. HERE.
Can't you come climb up here and join me? Just this once?
Everyone wants me to come down to their level, they never meet me halfway ya know?
Something's Holding me tightly, stroking me lightly, but this ain't love.
YOU'RE THE ONE IN MY TERRITORY MAKING A FOOL OF MY MEN. I'LL NEVER FORGET OR FORGIVE YOU. I'LL SEND YOU TO HELL.
Commander Mammoth!
That's one hell of a grip you have there. Calling it a bear hug would be an understatement and inaccurate. Crushing... my lungs.
Foolish man. You came all this way just to die here.
You show him, Commander! We love you, you hairy, sexy, hate machine.
Pathetic. You'd have to wait at least 1,000 years before you could even think of fighting me.
For an extinct animal he's got a wild hare up his butt, from the looks of him around 8,000. Maybe if I play dead he'll leave me be.
Right?
He's going to crush me flat! Yes! That dearth I can avoid!
*wham*
There's no escape from Commander Mammoth. I'll have you know I'm as fast as I am strong.
That was too close! I was almost a Spider-sandwich!
boooooooo
You're a lot of trouble for some punk challenger. I think I'll just eat ya.
What?!
You've had your chance to crush me and it slipped through your trunk. There's no way you can stop me now. I know your weakness.
You're a big, hairy elephant and elephants can't easily turn around and they can't jump and vore is never ok. I've got the proportionate agility of the spider while you only have the proportionate strength of a wooly mammoth!
Yeah so?
So I just tied quickly up your legs.
Omae wa mo Spideiru
FUCK
Good job, me. But I used up an awful lot of web and for once in my life it's bad that these shooters are artificial. Down to the last cartridge
Already with the spears? I just beat your boss. Shouldn't that make me your boss now? Can't I get a moment's peace?