Anyone Out Christmas Henching in Gotham Tonight?

God it's cold. I'm henching for Black Mask tonight and he's paying well. Quiet night too. Pigs are probably cooped up in their stations just in case the clown decides its funny to give the gift of explosives to the kids.

Used to run with Two Face's crew but goddamn that was pushing my luck. Some poor dope got Harv in the Kris Kringle and I guess he got the bad side since Harv gave him a bullet directly to the brain for Christmas. Jeez that Christmas Party was awkward. How's the rest of you Honest and Decent thugs making your way this Christmas. Just keep your guard up. There's a rumor the Bat is out tonight. Doesn't that guy have a family to go back to? Spend some time with your parents ya damn caped freak. Peace and good will to the rest of ya' and hope your scores are good tonight.

>Black Mask
what a superstitious retard, he's putting a bounty for "the Bat" but since he doesn't exist your dipshit of a boss might as well put a bounty out for Santa Claus
everybody knows the big bad batman just a GCPD hoax to try to scare people like us

Look, the boss has a hunch something is going on. Intergang is in town to "Do business" and we have had enough weapons shipments interrupted by some "mysterious force". He even brought in that Deathstroke guy. He's a dick. He cut off Lenny's arm because Lenny called him a "One eyed monster". What's his problem?

But the Bat is real. I've seen what he's done to our shipments. But hey if Cobblepot wants some guy in a bat gimp suit trashing his racket. That's his prerogative.

As long as nobody mentions Harley everything will be okay

Thank god I'm workin' for Scarecrow this year instead of Mr. fucking Freeze. We're indoors and cozy this time.

Don't even joke, bro. Last time the clown overheard a goon talking about wanting to "Rev her up". He gave them a Harley. And by giving them a Harley, I mean chaining thier legs to a Harley bike and giving them the scenic route down mainstreet till the body was just "puddin'". What a mess.

Crack a window and keep away from sharp objects, bro. Trust me on this one.

THE BEES THE BEES
ALWAYS BUZZING
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Hey guys, I just had an idea. I know this is crazy, but hear me out. What if we got one of them other kids the Bat runs with and tell them to go spend Christmas Eve with him? Sure, some of us might get busted, but once he goes home, the rest of us got it easy!

Or better yet, do we HAVE anyone here in Joker's crew? If the clown's up to something, the rest of us have a free hour or so! Even Batman can't be in 2 places at once!

>henching for joker
>ever
Your friend was a retard

Sounds like Crane got bored. Here's hoping you have minimal puncture wounds once the fear gas wears off.

Money's tight and when the clown scores big, he scores BIG. Newbies love the big scores. That's why the clown gets so much fresh meat. You survive his jokes and you can run off with a huge score wherever you want in the world. That guy was more of an acquaintance, but kid's was as dumb as a rock. Setting up the clown for a gag like that. What a dumb ass.

I'll tell you guys one thing. If you ever decide to hench for Riddler, make sure you've got good health insurance. Sal was up at Gotham Plaza painting a giant fluorescent question mark for the Bat to find when he fell three stories. Poor guy broke an arm, both of his legs, his femur, busted three ribs and shattered his pelvis. Doctors say there's no chance of him walking before summer. Boss wouldn't cover him, said that he forgot to paint the dot so it was useless. As if he couldn't just fly a drone up there to finish the work anyway. I tell ya, some people. And if you ever mention the Bat around him, fuhgeddaboudit. Ain't no doctor in the world that can fix what'll happen to you inside one of those contraptions of his.
On the very rare occasion that you do manage to catch him in a good mood then he's not too bad. And he's pretty swell to the guys who flatter his ego. But man, it's more fragile than a fabergé egg, know what I mean? Always walking on eggshells. I'm thinking I might call it day. Word around is Bookworm's looking for help. Worst you'd get with him is a papercut.

Yeah, Newbies makes sense. Hell I don't know how the clown ever has anyone competent working for him. I mean, I heard some ideological types going in for that. you know those anarchist nihilistic dumb asses talk about how 'if death comes it comes' but then you put a gun in their face they shit their pants.
But anyway you look at it, Joker's bad news. Kills twice as many henchmen as he recruits, gets 'em killed and laughs, probably won't even let you have any of that money, 'cus he's gotta spend it on some dumb fuckin' clown bomb or some shit, and I'm at least 70% sure he's top on the bat's hitlist.
Don't go with Joker.

Sucks to be you guys. I caught a lucky break and I've been running security for Doc Strange the last 6 months. Guy creeps me the hell out but he seems to understand that regular Joes like me deserve a day off now and then.

Hey I work for Great white, we probably met during that up-town job when they worked together. Shame about Todd getting both his legs broke by the Bat. Why does that sicko roll with kids?

Yeah, Penguin can be kind of a dick when it comes to that sort of stuff. But honestly that's the worst of it, pay is pretty good. risk ain't the highest, but, word to the wise, the more you move up the more heavy lifting you gotta do. Penguin does nothing himself. He'll just be bitching at you to do what he should be doing.

Hey, Great White ain't bad to hench for either. Shame the Bat smashed the job up. Boss was pissed. Sucks about Todd. Smart kid, could have had a future.

>Why does that sicko roll with kids?
It has to be some sort of fetish or something. Who the hell dresses up in Kevlar bat costume and drags around kids trained in martial arts anyway. There's rumors the new Robin is a psycho. Sometimes carries around a sword. What the hell kinda family does the bat have? Did his parents put him up to this?

Yeah, kinda the opposite with ol' Hugo. Pay's decent enough across the board for all the low level mooks cuz of the hospital's "generous financiers", but rising in rank is more trouble than it's worth. The anonymity is a blessing in disguise, you learn pretty early on the nail that sticks up gets hammered down. Plus, Doc's got some kinda goofy psycho-jumbo reason for giving us holidays off, calls it "extrin-something motivation". Don't really get it, but he says he wants his guys to feel appreciated. Get the feeling he's just throwing us a bone to make us work harder, but I'll take it.

>Smart kid, could have had a future.
Failure runs in the family, his brother is the guy who got his face bit off by Croc when he called him ugly last month during the first national exchange job. Great white stays away from jobs with Croc and Joker.

Also when the hell did Croc get out of that black ops prison? Last I heard he was collared and rolling on state enemies then he shows up out of no where to tear open vaults for Penguin.

OP Here. My buddy Legs has been on the police scanner. Turns out there's a big "Christmas Present" in the park and the Joker and Harley have been spotted around that area. Anyone who wants to get their scores in better get ready to move while GPD is busy. Boss is pacing around like crazy and everyone is avoiding him. Just avoid Gotham Park cause the Bat will be incoming and Ivy's gonna be pissed the clowns are in on her territory.

I just hit the diamond exchange on Sixth and Elm with a six man team and we hit it good. Once Great white takes his cut we're looking at at least 50 grand a piece.

God bless that psychotic clown and his girlfriend. And god bless who ever put Gordon in charge.

Aw, man, I been waiting for this! Merry Christmas ya guinea bastards!

Now that's what I'm talkin' bout. Thank god Mannheim showed up as well. That fat bastard took his time. The boss was about to beat the hell out of Lenny and you have to be pretty pissed to beat up a one armed m- GET DEATHSTROKE. GET THE BOSS OUTA HERE. HOLY CRAP HE FOLLOWED THEM. I THOUGHT HE ONLY STAYED IN METROPO-

This is why you work for a guy with one of those super proof bunkers Lex sells.

HA. And Rocco said I was crazy for taking a decoy bag filled with toys with me. I fed the boy scout a line about being a secret santa for some orphanage down by crime alley and he stared at me a while and flew off. All we gotta do now is pick up that bag of rubies from Stamfrey's from the dead drop and we can move outta this crappy town!

Niiiice. Hey does anyone know who pays the best? I got so much debt it unbelievable. I was dumb enough to get a college degree in business finances but there is no jobs around here. There is just abandoned warehouses as far as the eye can see. On top of that my mom is sick and we can't afford health insurance. I might risk the Joker if he pays. I'm that fucked.

Don't risk joker. You know that shit those guys'll do to you if you don't pay your debt? Joker will do worse. Anyone with a Dr. before their name pays pretty well, Strange, Freeze, Crane (Though keep your nose plugged) Also Penguin.

Man I'm glad the boss didn't beat me up

Just a quick heads up, just ran into Lawton outside the subway carrying around a big ass case, rumor has it he's also on Black Mask's payroll and is out for the Bat tonight. That's Deadshot if any of you new blood hasn't heard of him yet. The guy's a pro and all that jazz, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really happy I'm just moving cargo for Cobblepot tonight inside a warehouse, anyone caught between Lawton and his mark should ignore my first advice and keep their heads down.
Also if you end up having to hold small talk with him, DO NOT ask him how the family's doing.

Hey remember that Christmas after the Earthquake?

>Also if you end up having to hold small talk with him, DO NOT ask him how the family's doing.
I told Jimmy that he should ask how Aquaman's wife and kid are doing. I couldn't stop laughing for a week after that.

ey, you moving for Cobblepot tonight too? I'm thinkin' this might be my last job with him. Not that he's terrible to work for or anything, just think it's time for some new color. Or some old, Might going back to work with Hatter again. Last time I worked for him I volunteered to put on one of his hats. Told him I didn't give a fuck what I saw, so long as it involved a girl with huge tits. I woke up about a month later thinkin' I'd been 15 years. Boy that fucked me up. Shit I dunno how to live any other life so I'm hoping I can find that kind of life on the streets, but it's real tough not to end up with some crack whore or some slut who'll go behind your back 'cus two-face winked at her and gave her a shiny pair of ear rings.
So now I'm just thinkin' maybe he'll let me put the hat back on, or fuck my mind up and give me some more realistic goals.

Killer Moth's paying good money this year to break into department stores and spray acid at some sweaters. Seems like easy money tonight

The guy's clearly mental, but there's a sort of naive bliss to it all that makes it all kinda sweet. Nobody told 'em that it's kinda pointless doing this on Christmas Day since every major Department store's going to be closed today, but hey money's money

Strange pays decently. Not sick mom money, but you won't be starving. Just don't check in on him unless he calls you or there's a security breach, he gets pretty antsy if you disrupt him during his "special time".

Rite of passage, brother. Gotta weed out the dumb ones before they screw up on a big job. Strange makes all his best security guys read files on all the big capes and mercs before they can take command in the field.

Hey guys, anyone know what's with this weird dude with a red mas-

Tell me about the weird dude! Why does he wear the mask?

What's the point of adding a hyphen? You're on an internet forum board, we know you weren't dragged away when you hit submit. I mean it's not like you're boss is Candleja

Am I the only one who thinks Harley is hot?

Not henching for Calendar Man on holiday. How newbie can you be? Best time of year to hook up with him.

To hide his identity ?

So who do I have to hench for to get hot bitches?

And December we get twice the action. New Years is always a blast.

I'll say what i always say: The only way to safely hench in Gotham is with Fries, dude is just chill as fuck, treats his employees well and is just doing his researches
I'd rather just have the risk of being beaten into a coma by the bat than go hench again for any of the other nuts and run the risk of being killed because my employer feels like offing his whole crew

>The bat doesn't existe
Yeah my nigga, tell that to my friends broken legs

>We're indoors and cozy this time.
Yeah, his fear gas spreads more easily that way
Good luck with the trip user, never doing that again

Who is this candlejack gu

How about henching for Cobblepot?

Well Cobblepot if he's running the Lounge over the holidays. But its look but don't touch. Unless you want to be fed your own hand.

Heard he goes all the way to make it a gourmet experience though.

If I work for Cobblepot can I touch?

Especially no. Cobblepot doesn't like inner office fraternization. Not since that Catwoman incident.

Cobblepot is kinda safe too, but remember::::: he's also fucking crazy, just stay on his good side and he won't make your life MISERABLE, the thing with Cobblepot is he's a vindictive motherfucker, a friend of mine runs with him and he told me he destroyed a dude's life just because the dude laughed in the kitchen of a restaurant he was and he thought he was laughing at him
So the rule is: respect him, don't be a smartass, don't try to talk to him or demand things or anything, be as quiet as possible and as efficient as possible, because he may kill you fast obviously, or he may make it the worst experience of your life, as said, he does go all the way to make people miserable

What's the pay like?

Found Solomon Grundy, you think any of the big bads will want to use him today?

Hickory-dickory-dock.
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one, the mouse came down.

Hickory-dickory-dock.

Who was last to try?

I lost track after that last incident.

Hatter trying to run a sideshow.

Calendar Man all the way dude. You don’t wanna deal with the folks and need some coin?

He doesn’t do shit the rest of the year but plan but boy when he fucking rolls out he spares no expense. I even got a free fucking car with one of his getaways last year. Supposed to be decoy, brand new Lexus. Just drive and get away that’s all you gotta fucking do.

Cobblepot is a businessman, so he pays pretty well and consistently, it's not Joker levels of high but work for the Penguin is not nearly as risky as working with the others

A nice rule of thumb when henching is:
As the pay goes up, so does the risk WITH THE EMPLOYER
Like, Joker pays crazily well, it's fucking insane
But he also will kill you at any time if he just feels like it, or just make you insane, or torture you, you get it
Fries is the only exception because he pays well and is not crazy as fuck, but it's hard to hench for him because he has to trust you

>hench for Mr.Freeze
>get freeze gun and badass red goggles
>boss is actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him
just make sure you never get in the way of his science stuff and he'll pretty much just let you do your thing, a really cool boss

So Harley isn't worth it?

You got to get in his elite crew. Let him know you're 100% available and you'll get assignments during every holiday. I made so much robbing offices during secretaries day

>Harley
>Actually wanting to mess with her when the risk is
Good luck user, no bitch is worth that much

Oh shit is that you Jason my nigga

GUYS i have an idea for a big job, what if we hit Wayne Manor! Think about it, Bruce is rich so hes most likely off somewhere for the holidays!

Come on, how good can its security be?

Than which lady hench do I want to mess with?

Not like she'll go for it. "Its nobody but Puddin" with that girl.

You can get her talking about psychological philosophy sometimes which she enjoys. But then Joker catches you having any sort of fun.

Yea its not worth it.

Just be a patrol guy. Watch the outer boundaries and roll with the hit when Batman shows up.

Then get the heck out. Helps if you get Bats to break something. That way when Joker comes looking for ya he'll recruit again rather than kill you for running.

One that isn't the Clown's main squeeze for starters. Especially when it sets you up for easy and horrible (for you) jokes.

Firefly, but probably not in the way you mean.

So those girls that hang around with Riddler?

Aw fuck, not one of these creeps. Say what you want about the clowns willing to work for the Joker, at least he ain't a pedophile.

Safest bet. As long as it doesn't interfere with the Job. Then you wake up in a tub and a riddle to guess which fridge he left your kidney in.

Wait that's actually true?

Yeah, Hatter's a freak. Always looking for a new "Alice" to groom. Says a lot about the type of mook to hench for him.

Not like its willingly most the time. Never take a job with Hatter. He'll use that mind control whammy on ya. And you won't get paid.

Hickory-dickory-dock. thE mouse ran uP the clock. The cLock struck two, the MousE came down. hickory-dickory-dock.

HickOry-dickory-dock, thE mouse ran uP the cLock, The cLock struck three, the MousE came Down, Hickory-dickory-dock.

HickOry-dickory-dock thE mouse raN UP the cLock The cLock StRuck four thE MousE came Down HickoRY-dickory-dock

HickOry-diCkOry-doCk-tHE-mouse-RAN-UP-the-cLock-The-Clock-StRuck-five-thE-MousE-came-DowN-HickoRY-dickory-dock

HickOrydiCkORydOCktHEmouseRANUPthecLockTheClockStRucksixthEMousEcAmeDowNHickoRYDickorydock

Doesn't he kill his "Alices"?

Those are the lucky ones.

And the others?

Definitely not. But I'll tell ya this - that Joker is one lucky son of a gun.

Hickory-dickory-dock.

The Bat ran out the clock.

The clock struck seven, the house burned down.

Hickory.
Dickory.
Dock.

Who let Jervis have access to a computer?

Pretty sure I heard Frank under one of those masks once. Poor bastard likely is being used for laughs.

So uh... I'm henchin' for Killer Moth and has anyone seen the guy? Me and the boys have been sitting in this dump of an apartment waiting for orders all night.

Killer Moth probably got grabbed by the Bat.

if the bat kicks your ass And leaves you tied to a lamp post for the cops to get you do you actually serve jail time?
Being unconscious isn't a crime and I doubt the bat would waste the time on collecting evidence to send a low ranking henchman to blackgate...

Don't fucking try it, i heard the butler was in the british secret services, like of james bond dude.

And the Wayne Foundation is hosting their Christmas Party there this year, of course golden boy is in the caraibeans, the hypocrite.

Guys, I was on a job for the Marconi - tailing Jimbo Gordon, easy stuff.
Guess what, ol'Jimbo goes into a café, orders it extra black, pancakes and maple syrup. Standard stuff, right ? I expected his hot jailbait daughter to show up... and the motherfucking BATMAN shows up, orders pancakes, a chocolate milk and sits down with commish, talking like war-buddies.
Absolutely surreal.

Bat don't care who you are my friend.

>not working at Lexcorp
You Virgin Henchies can't compare to Chad Corporate

You people have autism.

Knew a guy who used to play Football in Gotham U. Wasn't the star quarterback, but still got in a lot of games. Then this accident happens. I forget the exact details, but pretty much he broke his back and the scholarship gravy train ended there. The school pretty much said fuck you to the guy, didn't offer to pay any of the medical bills and cut the scholarship right then and there. I feel pretty bad for the guy, I mean he's been a real friend for life, so I try setting him up with a job working for the Riddler (back then getting a Henching gig was pretty easy stuff, not like today where you gotta encrypt your wifi three times over to make sure nobody's spying on you). I explain to the Riddler the situation and he says fine. Really a top notch guy. Pain in the ass to sit down and have a conversation with, but really one of the better Villains to work under. So he sets up my friend with an easy job where he won't have to do any heavy lifting. Guy still had a big physique since his college football days, and all these Supervillain types love having 3 or 4 brutes around them at all time just to make them seem a lot tougher than they really are. Cut to a few months later where something goes wrong, as it always does in Gotham. The Bat figured out whatever stupid puzzle Riddler hid in the crossword section of this week's Gazette and comes down with a vengeance. He goes and fucks EVERYBODY up, not just Riddler. Guy ends up in an even worse position than before since now he's got a fractured kneecap and broken ribs on top of his bad back. Shit seems real grim for the guy till he finds a letter next to his bed. Guy tries to read it 'cept it all looks like it's in another language. Then he sees the reflection of the letter off of a mirror and he sees its a list of instructions to go down to the Gotham Harbor and pick up a green suitcase. In the suitcase is over 50,000 dollars. I tell ya, Bat don't care who you are. But Villains? They're different

>The Bat figured out whatever stupid puzzle Riddler hid in the crossword section of this week's Gazette
That's exactly why I had to quit working with Nigma. Dude always leaves fuckin clues to our schemes. I mean, we'd work for weeks on a plan just to get the whole thing right, and then on the last day he decides to - I SHIT YOU NOT - send Batman a postcard with a riddle like this was some sort of scavenger hunt. Of course the Bat figures it out - dude's smart. So all the hard planning is for absolutely nothing!

I'd never tell him to his face of course. I saw one of my boys tell Riddler not to leave a clue once and ... well let's just say it didn't go so well for him.

Riddler treats his men good. He fucks up literally every job, but you can tell he cares. It's not like Catwoman who fucking tries to seduce you on the job and then murders you for making an innuendo about petting her pussy

I though she was fucking the Bat.

>Riddler treats his men good. He fucks up literally every job, but you can tell he cares
Yeah I can't disagree with that. But at some point I just gotta get that payout, you know? High risk, high reward.

I'm thinking about taking a job with Scarecrow next week ... you know anything about that?

You're going to be tripping some serious balls man.

DO NOT FUCK WITH SCARECROW

Don't let yourself go anywhere alone with him.

Look, you sound like you don't have a rap sheet yet. Want my advice? Go poke around Wayne Enterprises. The guy is a total boozer loser, but he's a soft touch for sadsacks and sick parents, and he's got the devil's own luck I swear. Guy must literally shit money.

Yes sir, Mr. Joker. I mean, no sir, but she's only hot for you.

Is there anyone she isn't fucking?

Killer Moth. Closet Gay

Stay out of the game aslong as you can

I work for Penguin and... You know it's kind of ironic, I expected to be robbing banks and I'm currently keeping the buffet for the Ice Berg Lounge stocked for the Christmas party.

Also, isn't it kind of ironic a place called 'The Ice Berg Lounge' isn't actually kept that cold? We're like, five degrees below normal room temperature.