ITT: Shitty headcanons you have

ITT: Shitty headcanons you have.
>Joker finds horror movies funny, but absolutely hates "Comedy" movies

The Joker smells like battery acid and old people.

God no, The Joker is an artist who brings comedy into murder. This headcanon pushes the type of Joker who doesn't actually tell jokes or do anything funny with his kills, the type who just stabs people while laughing and calls it a day. Absolutely disgusting

>Dora tells everyone to jump and raise their hands at the end of the episode so she can summon the Spirit Bomb and defeat Swiper once and for all

The Joker is as sane as a killer clown gangster could be, he's just a massive asshole.
Also this, there's always got to be some gag. He kills people when he's got a joke in mind.

I agree, but the real question is; would he enjoy Married With Children?

I feel like he'd really like Steve Martin and Leslie Nielson. Also old slapstick stuff, of course.

>tfw no short Beavis and Butthead music video segment-esque series about BTAS Joker reacting to various gags from sitcoms, stand up acts and movies.

>would he enjoy Married With Children
Everyone enjoys Married With Children.

I've got a lot of autistic headcanons, so I'll break them down by category.

Dicks:
>Thor has a 12" dick, seriously, it's like those Pitt ones over at /aco/; I mean, he's a God
>same goes for Hercules, although his is small (4") when flaccid, then turns into a gargantuan monster
>Cap has the "perfect dick" according to most polls, so about 6.5"-7"x6", with veins and everything
>Doom has an above average dick (6"-7.5") but his perfectionist attitude makes him view it as such a disappointment he hides it constantly
>Namor is a legit dicklet, clocking at 4" erect
>Peter had a normal dick, but after being bit by the Spider his erections reach 8.5"x7"
>Banner has a 6" erect dick, but Hulk is packing a 20" when erect
>Stark has a completely average dick (5"-6"x5.5") and it makes him feel inadequate
>Batman is not actually hung, maybe 7"x5" erect at best, which he strangely prefers, since sex is of no consequence to him, and a smaller flaccid dick is much more easily guarded
>John Constantine is packing one of those long noodles, maybe 7.5"x4.5"
>Wolverine's not hung, it's just that he's so short that his 4" flaccid looks like it's 7"; plus, women suck at spacial reasoning
>T'Challa used to have a microdick, but after becoming Black Panther and eating the Heart Shaped Herb, he gained an 8"

Sexual Preferences:
>Thor & Herc are Omnisexual
>Namor's actually gay as fuck, and only pines after Susan because that's what the ideal woman looked like in the 40s, so he feels this masks his true preferences
>Doom's actually only into pale brunette witches...
>Cap doesn't like sex that much because it makes him feel uncomfortable
>Logan's Bi and has a preference for Bears
>Stark's straight as an arrow, and only fucks so much because he's insecure about his dick, not his sexuality; he wants to pick up moves; he's also only into blondes & redheads, and only settled with Rumiko because he figured for an Asian an average dick would be huge

More incoming

>Wolverine's not hung, it's just that he's so short that his 4" flaccid looks like it's 7"; plus, women suck at spacial reasoning

Hahaha holy shit this ENTIRE POST

I dunno. A funny Joker kind of defeats the purpose, for me. He's anti-humor at best. To me, he's always been one of those shit-head nihilists who thinks life is the ultimate joke, or some equally inane bullshit. Dadaism but being a stupid asshole about it.

I took OP's comment to mean that the Joker takes more pleasure in finding the humor in horror movies than in the juvenile bullshit 'dude weed lol' type of comedy that has become so common these days
looking at you sausage party. more like cringe party. or annoying orange

>Logan's Bi and has a preference for Bears

Headcanon accepted.

I'm really shocked by the amount of dick headcanons you have here, user. I gotta say I respect your devotion and your 'tism though.

Give us some headcanons for alien dicks. I'm fascinated now.

>thinks life is the ultimate joke, or some equally inane bullshit
That's a Comedian thing.

Joker is a wannabe theatric who can't find an audience so he just keeps on fucking around with people for attention.

>Wolverine's not hung, it's just that he's so short that his 4" flaccid looks like it's 7"; plus, women suck at spacial reasoning

legit near snorted water on my computer. thanks user, but I dodged that bullet

Continuing

Music Tastes:
>Cap still loves 40s & 50s music
>Black Widow really fucking loves American Pop
>Doom, due to hating all things American, allows himself to listen only to Classical & Modern EuroCore, but has a strange affection for American Country Songs, which he hates himself for
>Thor jams it up to Sabaton & Powerwolf every time he comes to Earth
>Bruce doesn't like Music, not really
>Constantine will hear anything and everything; seriously, the man has no preference as long as it's pleasant
>Stark pretends to be an old-school Rocker/Punk, but actually prefers depressing love songs (Leonard Cohen, Olafur Arnalds) and Early Hollywood Scene (Sinatra, Dean Martin) with a hint of Opera for its melancholy
>Doctor Strange really loves Disturbed & David Bowie

Movies:
>Batman has become so desensitized, he watches horror flicks to "feel" something; but on the down low he watches dramas and romantic comedies because deep down, he does long for a bit of a normal life
>Cap watches only happy and uplifting films, with the odd WWII one to not forget
>Thor loves all kinds of Epic Movies
>Doom is the definition of the Sup Forums Patrician, uncovering hidden EuroFlicks that only 5 people have seen to parade how cultured he is
>Stark abhors horror flicks since they scare the fuck outta him; everything else is fair game, though he prefers dramas, with a special fondness for historical ones

>or annoying orange
new headcanon born
Joker attacked the a public showing the annoying orange movie in gotham because the 'humor' offended him just that much. Everyone survived, but none of them watch the show anymore or even touch oranges ever again
Joker feels this is a mission accomplished.

Every human Green Lantern is bisexual except John.

And Guy is an even bigger power bottom than Hal.

come on now user, you have to admit pic related is perfectly in character for Joker
AND its hilarious

>Thor & Herc are Omnisexual
not sure about Thor, but Hercules is definitely down to fuck anything. He makes his dad proud

>Batman has become so desensitized, he watches horror flicks to "feel" something; but on the down low he watches dramas and romantic comedies because deep down, he does long for a bit of a normal life
pretty depressing desu

>I'm really shocked by the amount of dick headcanons you have here, user. I gotta say I respect your devotion and your 'tism though.
It's fun to look through their mannerisms and figure out what kinda meat they're packing. Doom obviously overcompensates, but I doubt he's a microdicklet, and it makes sense that something even "better than average" would still look like shit to him if it's not a perfect 10/10. Or even Stark, who fucks so much, makes sense to feel like he doesn't measure up and thus constantly practices, in order to be ready for when he meets "the one". Plus, his dick doesn't look that big or that small.

Plus some stuff I left out:

>Hulk's dick is literally terrifying; upwards curved at 60 degrees, 20"x19" chode, full of pulsating veins, suffering from slight phimosis so his shaft peeks out of the foreskin and is always dripping pre-cum
>Venom can just do the Hentai, he's literally the perfect lover
>Stark's average dick has an upwards curve which he learned to use to hit the G-Spot, but it's uncircumcised and has some bulging veins all around, so from certain angles it looks big and from others it looks like a dwarfish chode, which leads to him REALLY learning how to maneuver and use everything in his disposal, from mouth to hands, dirty talk, controlled breathing, everything

>Give us some headcanons for alien dicks. I'm fascinated now.
I don't have that many, but:

>Kree cocks are curved upwards, with ridges on the sides, no foreskin, a shaft that looks like a bowler hat and are 7" on average
>Superman's dick is literal perfection; long, pink, girthy, smooth; no alien characteristics
>Gladiator has a Cat-Dick, with spikes and all
>Martian Manhunter can create whatever dick is needed to accommodate the vagina of any female of whatever race
>Silver Surfer has no dick anymore; it's why he's so moody
>Sinestro has a long, pink noodle that drips yellow cum, has 3 balls instead of 2, and has trimmed his pubes to look like a mustache

>>Sinestro has a long, pink noodle that drips yellow cum, has 3 balls instead of 2, and has trimmed his pubes to look like a mustache

>>Superman's dick is literal perfection; long, pink, girthy, smooth; no alien characteristics
BASED Kal.

John 'Robin' Blake?

...

Jesus Christ kid, just have him call up at the school to confirm the grades.

The Justice League is Supergirl's surrogate family.

>Superman and Batman are two sides of the same father (Clark being the strict, overprotective side, Bruce being the spoiling "anything for you, princess" side)
>Wonder Woman is the loving mother that wants wants her daughter to grow to be like her
>Barry is the cool older brother she rarely sees
>Hal is the overly nice uncle her parents want her to stay away from

>a smaller flaccid dick is much more easily guarded
See, that's all I'm trying to say ladies

what if that's the joke, the situation itself of someone laughing during a horror movie is in itself comedy due to the sheer absurdity of it

well then he doesn't find the movie funny, just his own actions while watching it.

Joker poops in the urinal, and he doesn't wash his hands

finds horror funny
despises comedy
drama is freightening

Well, to be fair user, you want to smash pussy, Batman wants to smash heads...

>>Batman is not actually hung, maybe 7"x5" erect at best, which he strangely prefers, since sex is of no consequence to him,
>which he strangely prefers, since sex is of no consequence to him
>since sex is of no consequence to him

Oh yeah.
Batman shuns sex at every opportunity.

Are you stupid?
Christ, I wish I had that comic book manwhore chart.

dang I bet he pees with the seat down and drips piss on the seat

I have it. But that's not the point. In recent years Bruce does shun sex. It's not that he doesn't enjoy it, or that he doesn't, at some level, want to be normal, but the mission is all-consuming. it MUST be, otherwise he's slacking.

Stark also has a higher count, but for him it's both a distraction, and a way to mask his insecurities. Contrary to popular belief, Stark's not really a happy-go-lucky guy. He's more often than not a brooding mess that puts on masks and looks for ways to cope.

If you prefer the "Batman is hung like a literal horse" HC go ahead, nobody's stopping you. No need to get hostile. Interesting how the folks who never share anything in these threads are always going around calling everything shit when the whole premise is based on personal and subjective views.

Holy fucking shit

What? You're too good for Dick headcanons user? Huh, user? HUH?!

You sure Put a lot of work Into this

>Guy is an even bigger power bottom than Hal.

H E A D C A N O N
A C C E P T E D

Here's a few
>Batman shitposts on forums saying that Bruce Wayne is Batman in order to throw people off about his secret identity
>Guy Gardener doesn't actually likes having a bowl cut, it's just that Superman flies down and gives him one with his heat vision after he comes out of the barber's.
(Got that one from The Weekly Planet btw)
>After a bad day, Superman sits in his fortress of solitude and listens to nothing but Five for Fighting
>The Guardians of the Universe constantly ask Alan Scott to give them the Starheart back but he stubbornly holds onto it like a child
>Ares occasionally rocks up on Apokolips, beats the shit out of Steppenwolf and leaves, just to make a point.

Why so many of these "headcanons" are faggy delusions related ti faggy stuff?

Horrible. Never write a superhero comic.

>Batman shitposts on forums saying that Bruce Wayne is Batman in order to throw people off about his secret identity
pretty sure that one's canon.

I think I saw a panel of him doing it at some point, though I wasn't sure if it was real or fan made. Either way, it's pretty fucking funny to think that the world's greatest detective sits on his computer at home spamming theory posts on Sup Forums just to throw a red herring into the mix.

I like to think that Mandrill comes to troll /r9k/ by posting how even though he is a manlet ape he can easily get any bitch he wants.

...

Despite never going to college, Bob is surprisingly well read. Which is why half his burgers of the Day are named after obscure novels.

Holy shit, it is canon

I like to think Mandrill just barely ranks above Red Skull in terms of likability to other villains, since he's got no problem using his sexual pheromone powers on children.

he might be a pedo but he's an AMERICAN pedo

Actually he's African.

I like to think villain likability goes Red Skull as least likable, then Purple Man, since he just plain cannot get on with others, then Mandrill, whose repulsiveness is tempered by how pathetic he is when his powers don't work.

This. I always imagined Joker loving corny comedies that aren't necessarily funny, because he's such a fan of silly cornball humor. Joker's best when he isn't some nihilist, but instead delivering the punchline to a joke he didn't tell anyone.

I have to ask, who's the most likable marvel villain? In regards to being in good graces with both heroes and villains alike, that is. I imagine it would be some really outdated silver-age villain like Paste-Pot Pete, they don't really have the capabilities of doing anything grandiose or destructive, yet they keep on going and that gives them this endearing quality to other people.

I like you

>Hulk's dick is literally terrifying; upwards curved at 60 degrees, 20"x19" chode, full of pulsating veins, suffering from slight phimosis so his shaft peeks out of the foreskin and is always dripping pre-cum
I hate this post.
Keep going.

Superman's personal politics are just as old school left (workers rights, borderline socialist) as they were when he was created in the 1930s, it's just in modern continuity he's wise enough to know that putting his Kryptonian might behind his politics isn't actually a good idea so he keeps his mouth shut. ...doesn't really stop him as Clark Kent though.

Tell me there are edits of this somewhere.

dexter and his family are all clones
the show hints at this when they visit his grandpa and he looks exactly like dexter and he managed to create a source of free energy which was dexters original motivation
here is my headcanon, dexters devotes his life to inventing this, grows old and is afraid he will die before achieving it so he clones himself and his family to get another chance, he retires but still goes back to working on it and he manages to create it being too senile to share it with the world so it sits in his garage
also this could have happened more than once with shows dexter being the fifth dexter or something

>but absolutely hates "Comedy" movies
This is fake news. One of Joker's most definitive stories has him lift a pun straight out of "A Night at The Opera"... and I vaguely remember his 70's mini-series noting at least a few other nods to the Marx Bros, although I can't actually find scans for proof.

I actually have a headcanon of my own regarding this; Joker is a fucking huge Old Hollywood film snob that loves the sharp wits of the Marx Brothers, while Harley prefers the simple but effective slapstick of the Three Stooges. Their grizzliest (and most petulantly childish) domestic disputes have been over this debate, and when it came to naming their Hyenas they settled at a compromise by naming them after Abbott and Costello. They also had a third hyena initially, since with both the Stooges and Marx Bros there would've been three names available, but he couldn't make the cut when they committed to just "Bud and Lou".

>>Stark has a completely average dick (5"-6"x5.5") and it makes him feel inadequate
>you now picture Stark sitting in front of his mirror room and measuring his dick from all angles
>he bonepresses from the side and figures a 7" from the side measurement is just as valid
KEK!

>>Doom has an above average dick (6"-7.5") but his perfectionist attitude makes him view it as such a disappointment he hides it constantly
Nah, he's a complete dicklet. 5.5" at best. The guy has a MASSIVE case of self-insecurity. He's autistic, but not autistic enough to consider a 7" small, or not enough to fuck women. The guy deliberately encloses himself in armour 24/7.

Joker loves the stooges as well.

>Doom's face when Reed gets his stretchy powers and becomes the eternal thundercock

>stark is insecure about his dick so he fucks a lot

I legit thought this was 100% canon already.

> dicklet
> manlet
> brainlet

the absolute state of Sup Forums

Refute him then. Everything said about Doom and Stark so far are on point. Authors self-inserting and making everyone Hung is boring. At least these headcanon follow established ques.

Damian Wayne is closeted Gay.
He thinks it makes him a lesser assassin, a lesser Robin and son to his Father.
Everyone in the house is oblivious, even Damian himself. Except Dick Greyson. Who, while not romantically interested in Damian, keeps an eye on him, and provides as much advice with out letting on his suspicions.

I want fujoshits to leave

I mean that kinda makes sense, but the kid doesn't really seem to find anything attractive at all. He seems like he's socially stunted. Idk think he'd pick up on someone thinking he's hot. Seems like he'd be the one set up in some arranged marriage by The league of Assassins.

Damian is the worst Robin anyways, so might as well make him a faggot.

> provides as much advice with out letting on his suspicions.

What the fuck? what do you mean? What advice? Does he just say "no homo" after everything?

>Fantomex is a hermaphrodite.
>Hellboy is racist against science.
>Moon Knight collects the nippels of his opponents.
>Black Manta and his father have their origin in a secret goverment project that was lost in time.
>Extremis is human Terrigenesis.
>In the future there will be a Mxyzptlk 5 in the Legion of Superheroes.
>Judge Dredd was killed several times, but a clone body with false memories is always ready to replace him.
>Darkseid is invading Marvel thanks to Japanese Spider-Man

either way you put it he's killing people and is a murderer
killing people when its funny is just a gimmick and doesn't make him less edgy

Every time Batman leaves the house, Alfred pulls out a bottle of lotion and jacks off to pornos for a couple of hours. It's the only time he gets to be alone. What, you assumed Alfred never cums? He absoluely does, and he does it with style

I imagine Damian will exhibit some suspect or what can be considered homosexual behavior that he's unaware of.

Such as being more receptive towards boys, and rather professional and distant toward girls. Greyson would probably use a gender neutral term when giving "puppy love romantic" advice. Which Damian would find himself implementing easier with his own gender. Eventually Damian would conflate his brother type relationship with Greyson with a romantic one, (crush etc) which would cause Greyson to explain to Damian about the concept of sexuality, without going into /tttt/ of preachiness. Damian's rejected of course but is explained as to why he feels the way he does.

>In Spectacular Spider-Man, Kingsley becomes Hobgoblin and successfully takes hold of New York's criminal enterprises and uses Hammerhead as a false Big Man
>Norman returns and, insulted by Kingsley's use of his formula, has a showdown with Hobgoblin in the middle of NYC
>Norman looks like he's about to win when Peter steps in and stops both, but both escape

>The Joker actually has a superpower: the ability to survive falls from any height

Seriously, it's how he gets "defeated" every time. Always falling off a building/cliff/blimp with his face on it while laughing his ass off. There's gotta be some reliable method he uses to survive that

It deoends, because there's a shit ton of characters all written different ways. Paste Pot Pete actually melts people.

It would probably have to be a comedic villain who has never killed anyone and never wants to.

>The Avengers no longer watch WW2 movies with cap, as he will autistically sit and point out every inaccuracy he can, usually followed by a long winded story of how "things really were."

To be fair, watching a war movie with a guy who actually fought, killed, and presumably lost buddies during said war is kind of a dick move.

>in the future there will be a Mxyzptlk 5 in the Legion of Superheroes.
That isn't exactly..headcanon, Pre-Crisis LoSH had an ancestor of Mxy along with Lex Luthor join.

what kind of autism makes you think shit like this?

Not to mention several versions of the Joker have been seen to laugh at comedy movies.

>Poison Ivy likes to keep in all her hideouts and greenhouses frames pictures of Harley, which she may or may not talk to to not feel so lonely

>Sally Stageplay is Darla Dimple's mom.

You mean there are people who aren't like this?

Have you ever seen B grade horror movies dude? They're basically comedy sketches without a laugh track, at least they used to be.

Gold

>Cap watches only happy and uplifting films, with the odd WWII one to not forget
>Doom is the definition of the Sup Forums Patrician, uncovering hidden EuroFlicks that only 5 people have seen to parade how cultured he is
I want these to be true. The first one gives me feels, but the second is fucking hilarious.

>He pulls out a collapsible umbrella parachute everytime at the last second to slow his fall just enough to where he gets stiff knees from the landing
>He figured "If ol' Bats is prepared for everything I might as well be prepared to be his fall guy once in a while..."

At least they have the balls to post them and not complain like a faggot, faggot.

He probably phoneposts while running to the next mission because he doesn't have time to sit at home.

The WOJAR arc is actually just Bruce's memories of No Man's Land but heavily altered by Manhattan to show him coming to do the one thing he's not supposed to do, in order to further dissuade Bruce from being Batman. Once DClock is over I'm just basically considering WOJAR noncanon and he didn't have to tell that stupid fucking story to propose to Selina fully.

Spider-man has so many green villains because their costumes are made of some kind of cloth that's extremely overpriced unless you buy military surplus, where it only comes in green.

Doesn’t he like Looney Tunes though?

>Keep going.
Dunno how but...

>Grimm's dick is a literal rock dildo; smooth, with thin cracks that run with pre-cum

>I legit thought this was 100% canon already.
It might as well be. Nobody other than Wolverine fucks that much, and he's been alive since the 1800s. Plus, those are only the named women, not the NPCs. Sure, it could be argued he has a big tool and likes using it, but Tony has confirmed depression, history with substance abuse and only started drinking so that he could approach women. The guy has self-esteem issues, and the only logical conclusion is that he thinks if he practices enough, technique will make up for size.

>Greetings RICHARDS!
>Sigh... Hello Victor
>Seeing as it's "Oscar Season" as you Americans call it, DOOM thought it best to TEST your pitiful taste in the Fine Arts
>...Are you asking me what my favorite movie is?
>OF COURSE you SIMPLETON!
>I guess... "A Beautiful Mind" due t-
>BAH! Figures an AMERICAN such as yourself would hold such a PLEB-TIER "flick" to such a pedestal
>But Victor it is a very well ma-
>SILENCE! You merely seek to parade your non-existent intelligence by pretending to like a "flick" simply because of its pitiful relation to your narrow view of "science"
>DOOM's favourite KINO of the past few years was "Aioniotia Kai Mia Mera" a MASTERFUL Greek film where 2 HOURS pass and NOTHING even MOVES!
>I don-
>it MASTERFULLY captures the MUNDANE lives of PLEBS such as yourself!
>and with this test CONCLUDED and you having FAILED, DOOM takes his leave for he has to research more European... KINOs!
>hey Vic, before you go
>*Reed unzips his pants and makes his dick go well past 12"*
>wanna join me, the missus, She-Hulk, Medusa, Ben and some others in an orgy?
>*Doom is ready to blow up*
>BAH! The view and equipment of a BARBARIAN! No wonder your INTELLECT is NO MATCH for DOOM's!
>*Doom hops on his flying scooter and leaves through the window, crying*

You joke, but Aggelopoulos is great.

Yeah I know, but his whole thing is "slight moves, slight changes" to the point where sometimes it's nothing but landscapes for 10 minutes straight.

Eh, come on, that's only true a few times, that's more of a meme at this point

Freddy and Jason movies are full of actual jokes.

I'm writing an exaggerated greentext user, of course I'm gonna blow things out of proportion.

Joker would be able to defeat Clock King and other villains like him because he has a perfect sense of comedic timing.