Be american

>be american
>wake up and pour a bowl of High-Fructose Sugar Clumps™
>drive to work in my Chevy super truck 3000 that handles like I'm driving a king size bed
>listen to some true blue american hood culture on the radio
>drop daughter to Tyrone and Jamal's for morning reparations before school
>pick up my morning coffee (long black with 1 shot of coffee and 3 shots of caramel syrup, room temperature)
>sit in traffic for 30mins
>remember I need to stop at the strip mall because its my day to pick up the glazed donuts for work
>park car, Dacquan knocks on the car window
>get shot, it takes Dacquans whole gang to drag me from my car
>shart
>Hernandez steals wallet from my dying body
>everyone claps at the funeral

who pissed in your tea today?

Pretty funny. Nice work

>Spend an hour or two driving back and forth from work each day bc our cities are shitholes we wouldn't dare live in

This is the cuckiest thing on this list and the most accurate

Lost it at the shart

A black man probably gave him a "mean look" on his way to McDonalds.

Americans… you “people” disgust me. You’re pathetic.

You think women are equal to men, you’re frivolous beyond redemption, and everything about your country is degenerate, weak, stupid. You’re a blight on the world and an international laughing stock.

Your precious founding fathers were freemasons. They couldn’t accept the truth of hierarchy, so they revolted against their king – much like Lucifer did in the Bible. That’s what you are. The fact that so many of you think you are Christians is a bad joke.

You’re deluded even regarding the sovereignty of your own government. Saudi Arabia and Israel control your politicians with dirty money. Jews own Hollywood and the mass media, which informs the worldview of virtually every American. China and India own your means of production. Jews own your banks. You are mindless consumers, rats on a spinning wheel, distracting yourselves until death.

You say you hate communists, but your disgust for communism is largely based on material and economic factors. And why not? The American can only think in economic terms. You’re more animal than man. What matters to you is comfort, the sating of desire, sex, and pleasure. You’re like a domesticated dog. Disgusting.

>be Brit
>start cooking bacon for brekkie
>Muslim firebombs my flat, it's all right
>try to butter my toast
>arrested for possession of a dangerous weapon (butter knife)
>

The truth is that the communist and the capitalist, both of whom reduce everything in the human experience to materialism, are much more alike than either would care to admit.

You beat your obese chests and brag about your “freedoms.” What freedoms? You’re the land of affirmative action. You haven’t been a meritocracy for more than fifty years. Your children are forced into indoctrination in government-approved study programs. Your government, which answers not to you but moneyed interests (whether American or international), spies on you. Everything word you write online is recorded, sorted through algorithms, and flagged if deemed badthink. Even your phone calls are logged! “Freedom.” Don’t make me laugh. You have the freedom to change the channel; and that’s about it.

So cling to your guns. The second amendment may be the last freedom you still have. While you’re at it, crack open another estrogenic bud light, watch your favorite muscled black men play a ball game, and numb yourself to the existential terror that creeps in at the frontiers of your psyche.

You’re not men. You’re scared animals.

sage

All british people should get cancer.

you forgot to turn on your proxy man

so much fat in that cut of meat, mate.

No wonder you all die of heart attacks, have some grass fed NZ Sirloin. Toppest of beef cuts

You're barking up the wrong dilly-bobber my friend

Corn sugar, wheat and soda is what kills you. The dangers of actual fat in meat are grossly exaggerated and was lobbied against in the 70s by the sugar industry.

>be British
>wake up at sunrise to the salat al-fajr blaring through every speaker in London
>wave at the CCTV camera while I'm taking a shower
>eat some shakshuka for breakfast because my wife's son says breakfast needs to be more diverse
>there's a letter in the transom saying I must pay my tv license because indoctrination isn't free
>take the underground to work and get blown up by an innocent refugee
>wake up in the hospital getting free health care
>wave to the CCTV camera by my hospital bed
>hospital food is harira and fried grasshoppers since it's halal
>get a notice I have to pay for my email license
>realize I've been circumcised while I was unconscious, Dr. Patel says it's more sanitary this way
>Sharia Police runs into my room and demands to know why my wife's son isn't wearing a head scarf
>try to mansplain that he's a boy
>my wife's son says he doesn't identify that way anymore
>Sharia Police kill everyone in the room
>be buried in Highgate cemetery
>my bones are being monitored by CCTV
>have to renew my burial license next month

Really gives you pause.

maybe but, I would still rather eat a nice lean cut than a chewy, fatty, grisley cut like that shit

It adds flavour.

all those red states

is this ylyl because i lost

>my beheaded body is paraded through the streets while everyone chants "fuck white people!"
>The Guardian and Telegraph say they're worried about this because it might cause people to hurt refugees

>wheat
now hold on, just because they are carbs and can make you fat in excess doesn't mean its necessarily bad for you

You just described my work day.

Absolutely disgusting, funny and true at the same time ;)

88/14 desu senpai

Eat 5000 calories of anything and sit around all day and you'll get fat

nothing wrong about having a beer after a long day of work

kek

>be British
>eat breakfast consisting of only tea
>say cheerio to Ranjeet at the local curry restaurant next to my house
>accidentally step in a pile of shit next to it because it is a designated shitting street
>shrug it off because it is good that my neighborhood is multicultural
>feeling happy because the annual Muslim appreciation parade is happening
>pass by and see the women in their feminist burkhas and witness all of the wonderful multiculturalism at the celebration
>feeling good because of their signs saying that anyone who insults Islam will be beheaded
>leave and walk to the local pub
>order a beer and walk to the local mosque to show the refugees how much I appreciate them
>forget I'm in a shariah law zone with a beer
>Shariah police see me with the beer and stab me and throw me in the gutter to die because of my beer

>be British
>enlist in the queen's royal guards to protect royal family
>standing outside Buckingham palace guarding it
>Ahmed comes up to me with a knife and stabs me in the neck
>cuts off my head in the middle of the road
>fellow brits start clapping because of the wonderful display of Muslim culture
>I clap along because I appreciate the diversity here
>I die
>Fellow Brits attend a rally in support of Islam because they are worried that there will be backlash against refugees
>"not all muslims" is written on my tombstone

>Chevy super truck

My chebby truck will pull your house down unlike your .5liter diesel cucknox
>OP is mjet.

>be american
>be 56%

>be colony of a white empire
>refuse to be treated like non whites
>grow to 3 times the size of your dad
>the nonwhites all want to hop on reducing your total percentage to 56%
>DAD WONT EVEN HELP HES TOO SMALL ANYWAY

>be american
>elect muslim supreme mullah
>twice
>get cucked and have black children
>get shot
>cant pay medical bills
>made homeless
>shot again

you dismantled our empire, it's your own fault matey

You described Germany and the U.K. tho

t. Ahmed

Grind up that steak and put it in a McDonald's cheeseburger.

...

>get blown up by an innocent refugee

>pick up my morning coffee (long black with 1 shot of coffee and 3 shots of caramel syrup, room temperature)
>room temperature
That's the source of all your problems.

I bet you 10 sheep moose is better than that beef

This was all very accurate except the getting shot

Being American is actually really funny and that's not a joke. Meme candidate for a meme nation. If you've ever seen a shitty comedy movie like Paul Blart Mall Cop that's seriously what America is like.

Uh... don't get carried away. It's not logical to characterize America/Americans the same way that one can logically characterize Japan/Japanese. You can invert any picture of "American" and find plenty of matches.

Funny post though

True. I think it's fair to say this fits most of the middle america though

>be American
>wake up at 5AM because my commute is 2.5 hours and I need to gobble up some Sugarflakes™ before I leave
>at least I have my radio™ to entertain me on the way there
>my favorite morning show, "Earwax and Buttslap in the morning on WTYQSSIOPRKER 103.9 FM sponsored by Audible™ and Stitcher™, Sticher - never miss an episode™" is on
>30 seconds of commercials for every 10 seconds of song. It's ok though they're a business right
>finally get to work, my boss yells at me for being 7 minutes late and says I'll never get my 9 year old daughter back from the child deposit boxtm sponsored by LootCrate™ - what was your loot today?™at this rate
>another wave of layoffs this year because a streetpooper in India is willing to do my job for $3 a day and free laxatives
>I've been feeling a sharp pain in my chest when I inhale but my $15k/year insurance barely covers cough medicine
>work my usual 10 hour shift, I might be back by 11 today, this is great
>I have 49 minutes to watch TV
>too bad by $70/month Comcast™ subscription only covers daytime telenovelas
>if I want to watch the game I need the $200/month sports package sponsored by ESPN™ - get your game on™
>well hopefully I can play some vidya at least
>console needs to download the daily 3GB update, it's gonna take 19 hours
>fuck it
>just before I got to bed I remember I'll have to ask my boss for the day off on Sunday, I'm running low on "cheese"™ and "veggies"™, sponsored by Monsanto™ - innovation, collaboration, speed™ and I need to buy some
>greatest country™
>good night

I wonder who could be behind that situation

>I'll never get my 9 year old daughter back from the child deposit boxtm sponsored by LootCrate™

KEK

...

...

Marbling is a better indicator of a good steak rather than just having fat. You've proven you dont know anything about steak.

That'll make a weird-shaped burger.

Right in the feels. You dick.

Hell/o/ friend.

This is the monster you created

>woke up around 4am to start getting ready for work

>drink 5 cups of coffee and strap on my 5 guns

>head downtown

>stuck in traffic

>sit for 5 hours in traffic, make it to the office right after 9

>get reprimanded by the boss

>he tells me I have to work the whole day for no pay because this is a right-to-work state

>say a prayer to Jesus my savior and get to work

>work computer hamburger consumption in the US

>about 15 minutes later I'm dying for a burger

>head down to the cafeteria and big up a triple bacon and egg loaded burger explosion

>costs $1 and weights 9lbs

>eat it all

>moments later some armed robbers break in and begin robbing the place

>get into a shootout with them

>they have too much firepower for me with their legally obtained gun show loophole assault rifles

>call my buddy for backup

>forgot he was replaced by a mexican immigrant that works for $2 an hour instead of the regular wage of $7.2499 an hour like the rest of us

>have to call the cops

>they show up after about 3 hours, busting through the front doors with their tank
>shoot every robber about 1,000 times
>drop a few flash bangs
>get my ear drum blown out
>cops leave and I get back to work
>drink a few dozen more cups of coffee
>ready to head home around 10pm
>boss makes me stay late for unpaid overtime
>finally get in the car and home around 2am
>pop in a microwave burger and drift to sleep
>wake up
>police raided my home looking for a drug dealer
>he doesn't even live in this state
>there's a bill for the raid on my door
>cops hung my dog with chicken wire in the kitchen
>load up my mags and head back to work
>fired and replaced by a mexican toilet cleaner who works for $0.99 a day
>head back home
>pulled over for a not having my mandatory Obama bumper stickers
>fined $10,000
>get back home
>realize the cops took all my burgers

>be Londoner
>wake up at 5 bong to Islamic prayer
>Turn on tele to see the prince telling me to remember Muhammad on Christmas
>change name to Mohammed for allah and country
>get in my car to go to work
>shifty wifty pedal sticks to the floor and my wibbly wobbly go go stick grinds trying to shift gears
>decide to take the trolley instead
>double decker filled to the brim with Mahmouds and pajeets
>a thin film of shit encapsulates the entire bus
>do the British thing and hang off of the side with kumar and his 30 kids
>fingers slip on shit film and I fall off the bus
>break my leg
>have to wait 2 years for a doctor
>develop gangrene and get put on a death list

Trump will fix the US and it's really shameful that European countries will have to fall as low as the US did before anything happens.