>Russian engineer got fed up of having all responsibility and low salary, so he moves to another city and pretends to be an ordinary worker, same salary and peace of mind. However, not long after communist party sends him to evening classes. On his first day there at maths class he was asked about circle circumference formula, but for some reason he could not remember it off hand, so he goes on blackboard and tries to work it out with linear integral. After exhausting whole blackboard he finally gets the result: >2RPi >Then all of the sudden he hears all of the class whispering to him: "Change the direction of integration!"
>having all responsibility >responsibility >USSR keked, thanks CIA
Jose Young
>change the direction of integration
Wdhmbt? Im two dumb four maths someone explain the joke pls
Jacob Sanders
It doesn't matter what this sentence means. It shows that everyone else in the room is also an engineer.
Caleb Sanchez
It's a reference about the integration between the USSR and its eastern european satellite states during the cold war.
Joshua Morgan
The joke is that everyone in the class knew what the answer was, implying that they, too, were learned men who took the same route as the aforementioned engineer.
Took me a long fucking time to get it too, don't worry, you're not stupid.
Chase Taylor
That was when the CIA weren't degenerates
Brandon Ward
Original joke is a pun on the phrase "У вac нeт *чeгo-либo*", which in Russian can be mean both "Do you have *something*" and "You don't have *something*". The guy who walked into the store used it in the former meaning, while the shop owner thinks he's talking about the latter one.
Well what they mean is that he was evaluating a definite integral from b to a instead of from a to b, however that just changes the sign of the result.
Justin Carter
A worker standing in a liquor line says, "I have had enough, save my place, I am going to shoot Gorbachev." Two hours later he returns to claim his place in line. His friends ask, "Did you get him?" No, the line there was even longer than the line here."
"What's the difference between Gorbachev and Dubcek?" Nothing, but Gorbachev doesn't know it yet.
Sentence from a schoolboy's weekly composition class essay - "My cat just had seven kittens. They are all communists." Sentence from same boy's composition the following week - "My cat's seven kittens are all capitalists." Teacher reminds boy that the previous week he had said the kittens were communists. "But now they've opened their eyes," replies the child.
A Chukchi is asked what he would do if the Soviet borders were opened. "I'd climb the highest tree," he replies. Asked why, he responds: "So I wouldn't get trampled in the stampede out!" Then he is asked what he would do if the U.S. border is opened. "I'd climb the highest tree," he says, "So I can see the first person crazy enough to come here!"
A joke heard in Arkhangelsk has it that someone happened to call the KGB headquarters just after a major fire. "We cannot do anything. The KGB has just burned down" he was told. Five minutes later he called back and was told again that the KGB had burned. When he called a third time, the telephone operator recognized his voice and asked, "Why do you keep calling back? I just told you, the KGB has burned down." "I know," the man replied. "I just like to hear it."
Gavin Allen
A train bearing Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev stops suddenly when the tracks run out. Each leader applies his own, unique solution. Lenin gathers workers and peasants from miles around and exhorts them to build more track. Stalin shoots the train crew when the train still doesn't move. Khrushchev rehabilitates the dead crew and orders the tracks behind the train ripped up and relaid in front. Brezhnev pulls down the curtains and rocks back and forth, pretending the train is moving. And Gorbachev calls a rally in front of the locomotive, where he leads a chant: "No tracks! No tracks I No tracks!
Ivanov: Give me a medical example of perstroyka. Sidorov: (Thinks) How about menopause?
An old lady goes to the Gorispolkom with a question, but by the time she gets to the official's office she has forgotten the purpose of the visit. "Was it about your pension?" the official asks. "No, I get 20 rubles a month, that's fine, 11 she replies. "About your apartment?" "No, I live with three people in one room of a communal apartment, I'm fine," she replies. Suddenly she remembers: "Who invented communism--the communists or scientists?" The official responds proudly, "Why the communists, of course!" "That's what I thought," the babushka says.· "If the scientists had invented it, they would have tested it first on dogs!"
An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell, "To hell with Ronald Reagan." The Russian replies: "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'To hell with Ronald Reagan, ' too."
A man goes into a shop and asks "You don't have any meat?" "No, replies the sales lady, "We don't have any fish. It's the store across the street that doesn't have any meat."
Luke Thompson
A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militia man pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. "See," the militia man says, "you're drunk." The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, "Yes, perhaps it is broken," and send them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, "See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka."
Henry King
Radio Yerevan was asked: “What will be the results of the next elections?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Nobody can tell.Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “What is chaos?” Radio Yerevan answered: “We do not comment on national economics.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Could an atomic bomb destroy our beloved town, Yerevan, with its splendid buildings and beautiful gardens ?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. But Moscow is by far a more beautiful city.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first communists?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Probably, yes. They both dressed very sparingly, they had modest requirements toward food, they never had their own house, and on top of all that, they believed that they were living in the paradise.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Does one get 10 years of prison for saying that Brezhnev is an idiot?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle yes, because that’s a state secret.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Would it be possible to bring Socialism to the Sahara?” “Yes,” replied Radio Yerevan, “But after the first five year plan, we’ll have to import sand.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Why did they establish a Ministry of Navy in landlocked Armenia. Do you have a sea?” Radio Yerevan answered: “To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture.”
Evan Collins
>so he moves to another city THAT was not easily possible in Soviet Union
Brandon Fisher
Um, yes you are, you both are.
Angel Davis
>To spite Azerbaijan. They established a Ministry of Culture
Holy shit, my sides.
Caleb Kelly
They are a goldmine
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky committed suicide?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Yes, it is true, and even the record of his very last words is preserved: ´Don’t shoot, comrades.´”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. Five years ago one of our listeners was not convinced of this, so he was sent to investigate. He seems to have liked it so much that he hasn’t returned yet.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it’s going to be tomorrow!” Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that in the Soviet Union no one lacks a stereo system?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes, you hear the same from all sides.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Is it true that half of the members of the Central Committee are idiots?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Rubbish. Half of the central committee are not idiots.”
Hudson Russell
Question to Radio Yerevan: “Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?” Radio Yerevan answered: “In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and fourth he didn’t win it, but rather it was stolen from him.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “What if socialism were built in Greenland?” Radio Yerevan answered: “First snow would become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “What is the socialist friendship of nations?” Radio Yerevan answered: “It’s when Armenians, Russians, Ukrainians, and all other peoples of the USSR unite in a brotherly manner and all together set out to beat up the Azeris.”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Can Communism also be in the USA?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Yes. But who would give us our wheat then?”
Radio Yerevan was asked: “Which four factors inhibit the agricultural development?” Radio Yerevan answered: “Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.”
Andrew Robinson
The joke is about the typical situation in soviet shops that there were no goods available. This was a fish shop, so the common situation there would be "we have no fish". "We have no meat" would be expected in the meat shop across the street. This one is actually funny
Dominic Flores
I read this on /k/
>secret sr 71 project requires titanium >us purchases it through cutouts from the largest supplier at the time >the soviet union
