>A Ukrainian and an African students live together in a room. The African is poor and hungry, but the Ukrainian have received a sending from parents. So he takes out a can of borscht, a big loaf of bread with butter, a big piece of salo, onion, a bottle of gorilka (vodka) and begins to eat. The African looks at him jealously. The Ukrainian asks: "Are you hungry ?" / "Yes, very hungry !" / "Sorry, I don't have bananas."
Is this a thing?
>Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness: "Must be an owl," Müller thought. / "Who's an owl? You're an owl yourself!" Stierlitz thought.
its hard to translate russian jokes into english, people wont get the pun
Leo Gray
>Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness: "Must be an owl," Müller thought. / "Who's an owl? You're an owl yourself!" Stierlitz thought. pls explain like you would to an illiterate leftist
Aiden Miller
a bear walks through forest, sees a burning car, gets inside it and dies
James Harris
It's a reference to soviet TV series, parodying it's third-person voice over narrative. It makes no sense by itself
Brody Baker
>Ukraine
Angel Turner
i like more stories where african fucks qt blonde ukraian girl
Jordan Barnes
Man comes to shop to buy a hat and puts on one. And it fits him perfectly
Two dudes sit on a poach in a middle of nowhere Russian village, and see a African tourist Dude 1: Look a monkey! Dude 2: (To dude 1) It's not a monkey, it's a negro. (To negro) Excuse my rude friend please Negro: No problem Dude 1: HOLY SHIT IT TALKS!
Noah Allen
What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? A park bench can support a family of four.
Jordan Cruz
Jesus Christ, Russia...
Here: What's blue and washes my car? My nigger, and I'll paint him any color I want.
American, Ukrainian and Russian are captured by cannibal tribe. Each should either pay 1000$, eat a bucket of shit, be raped by entire tribe or be eaten. American pays 1000$ and is released Russian eats shit and is released Ukrainian: - Give me shit Eats half of it - I can't do it anymore, just fuck me Half of tribe fucks hime - This is even worse, i'll finish shit Still can't finish bucket - No, I can't do it, finish fucking me! Fucked by rest of tribe, as last man puts dick to his torn asshole - NO MORE FUCKING OR SHIT! JUST TAKE MY MONEY!
Landon Thomas
...
Dylan Russell
a couple of quotes from ex-yugo films: Balkanski Špijun (Balkan Spy): there are people in this country who are in charge of the truth Moj Ata Socialistični Kulak (My Papa the Socialist Kulak): now that we are liberated we must be careful about we say
Kayden Sanchez
lel'd you guys have an unhealthy focus on gay sex and shiteating tho
Two very bored cowboys ride across a prairie. One notice a piece of shit. - Bill, I dare you to eat that shit for 100$ Bill agrees, eats shit and get 100$. Cowboys ride further and see another piece of shit. Bill, wanting a revenge for eating shit: - John, I dare you to eat that shit for 100$. John, wanting his money back agrees, eats shit and gets 100$. Cowboys ride further. - Bill, we just both ate shit for free.
Isaiah Adams
...
Chase Gray
Stirlitz walks alone at night, and suddenly sees a pair of lights in the distance. "A truck" he deducts smartly. "Truck my ass" the owl thinks.
Logan Johnson
i think he saw a nigger
Hunter Price
>second joke
Ian Turner
Martin Bormann is roused in the early hours of the morning by someone banging on his door. When he opens, he sees a man wearing skis and a parachute. The man says, with a strong Russian accent: "THE ELEPHANTS ARE GOING NORTH!" "The elephants can go f*ck themselves" Bormann sighs "Stirlitz lives one floor up."
Evan Baker
SPASIBO TOVARISCH
Noah Johnson
Five black cars pulled up to Stirlitz's home. Gestapo officers got out and knocked. "Who are you looking for?" asked a voice on the other side. "Stirlitz!" "I'm not home!" The officers swore. It had been two weeks now that Stirlitz had been on the run like that.
Mason Bell
...
Leo Ortiz
Russian, Jew and Ukrainian are asked, what will they do with a barn of apples. Russian: Each day I'll eat all I want. until nothing is left Jew: Each day I'll find and eat most shivered and almost rotting apples, so nothing is wasted to decay Ukrainian: I'll eat all I can, and what I cannot eat I'll bite at least
Kevin Johnson
wat
Ryan Wilson
Russian driving is comedy gold itself
Joshua Ramirez
A mongoloid walks into a doctors office and insists he remove half of his brain
The doctor does so hesitantly
Mongoloid is now a Ukranian
Russian jokes don't translate well into English....
Ian Russell
>A Ukrainian and an African students live together in a room. The African is poor and hungry, but the Ukrainian have received a sending from parents. So he takes out a can of borscht, a big loaf of bread with butter, a big piece of salo, onion, a bottle of gorilka (vodka) and begins to eat. The African looks at him jealously. The Ukrainian asks: "Are you hungry ?" / "Yes, very hungry !" / "Sorry, I don't have bananas." First time i've heard that, but it made me chuckle.
Stierlitz jokes are very specific.
Logan Baker
Man put on a hat, and it fit.
Tyler Perry
reference to soviet series
Ryder Fisher
Every time.
Lincoln Anderson
Stirlitz is a Soviet spy of the Soviet films. Humor comprehensible only to the countries of the former Soviet bloc.
Christopher Brooks
top kek
Aiden Rodriguez
My favourite one
Samuel Wright
A flower pot fell off the window sill of the secret apartment and smashed Stirlitz on the head. This was the signal that his wife had just given birth to a son. Stirlitz shed a single manly tear. He hadn’t been home for seven years.
Justin Foster
I have some russian humor.
Austin Perez
Russian, German and French are captured by aliens. To determine their mental capability, each one is placed into perfectly cubic, featureless chamber of indestructible metal and given two small metal globes. Then they are asked to do something exciting with it. After several hours aliens return
Frenchman juggles with balls. German rolls balls across floor like billard Russian sits in a corner, surrounded by several shards. - Where are the balls? - One I lost, second I broke
Cooper Perez
It's just not very clever comedy. It's like blond jokes in the USA. Not clever.
Joseph Wood
>once upon a time Ukrainian peasant caught a magic goldfish >and fish tells him: >-Hey, Mikola, please let me go and I will fulfill any your desire. >But remember: no matter what >you ask - your neighbors(Russian and Pole) will receive 2 times more! >This puzzled Mikola >He thought for a long time and then said: >-Gouge my eye!
the whole essence of ukrainians btw
Christian Bell
OLDIE BUT GOLDIE
Evan Jones
A Swede, a Finn and a Somali competed about who could last the longest in a sauna. The swede went first and came back an hour later. The Finn went second and came back two hours later. The Somali went last, but got an irresistible urge to shit and had to do it on the bench. The stench was so bad that he crawled out of the small window, not wanting to face the other competitors. When twelve hours had went by, the Finn realized that something must've happened and went to check on the Somali. He soon came running back and shouted "HE MELTED IN THERE!!!"
Meh, not bad. Could be shorter: What's the difference between a Somali and a bucket of shit? The bucket.
Ian Cox
Pretty good
Lucas Williams
That's pretty funny actually Thanks yank
David White
pretty smart desu
US President Obama tells Putin that Western economic sanctions can destroy Russia in three years. Putin replies: “That’s nothing; I can do it in one.”
Nathan Gray
Two Finns come to Russian whore. Finns: We have 10$, and want a girl Whore: For 10$ you can go and fuck yourself Finns go away and return in 30 minutes. Finns, giving 10$ to whore: here's money
A very rumpled student peers into an exam room and slurs at the examiner: "Pp-proffessosssor, wou'd you al-low a drunk student tt-o tt-ake the exam?..." / The professor sighs and says, "Sure, why not?" / The rumpled student turns around and slurs into the hallway: "G-guys, c-carry 'im in."
Zachary Stewart
Allegedly, if you find that joke funny you are schizophrenic.
Ayden Sanders
Three prostitutes decided to find out who has the biggest vagina.
First one takes a stool, puts an apple on top of it. She sits down, stands up - no apple.
Second one takes the melon, puts it on top of the stool. Bang - no melon.
Third one is like: "Amateurs!" Puts a cherry on top of the stool. She sits down - bang, no stool.
Haha...
Anthony Sanders
My favorite nigger joke. It really upsets people.
Juan Sanchez
Damn that one actually got me
John Jones
>- One I lost, second I broke what?
6/10
Hunter Campbell
American meets Ukranian They become best friends because amerifat shares hohol's love for melted butter They have gay sex
Evan Bennett
Ever notice how in every international dialogue,
they never let you hear what the other side has to say.
Anthony Barnes
Man comes to a newly opened brothel. - Do you have boys? - Not yet. - Do you have girls? - Not yet? - Then what do you have? - A raccoon. Man agrees and fucks a raccoon. Next week he comes to same brothel - Do you have boys? - Not yet. - Do you have girls? - Not yet? - Then what do you have? - Good porn: man fucks a raccoon
Jace Scott
Nigger, chink and arab came into the bar and the bartender said: get the fuck out of here
Logan Gray
an algerian walikng in the zoo with a niggeress. niggeress saw a monkey: oh look a monkey algerian to niggress: you bitch, you didnt tell me we are meeting your parents. *runs afraid of marriage*
Samuel Morales
see I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis! - Well, I sleep like a baby! - Really? - Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!
Andrew Brooks
That's where my WTF came from.
Brandon Bell
It was a widespread joke a few years ago. Probably the man finaly found a hat that fit for his head. And it's worth at least light rejoice and smile.
Jaxon Anderson
kek'd
Brandon Sanders
It's working! Traffic police stops a car. Policeman: Have you drunk vodka today? Driver: No. Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken? (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!
Charles Barnes
Why do KGB men always come in threes? One to write a report, one to read it, and one to check up on the 2 intellectuals.
Jose Anderson
nigger with a parrot on the shoulder came into the bar bartender(surprised): wow, where did you get him?? parrot: there is shittons of them in africa
Evan Walker
>what? Joke is that russians are so incompetent workers that they can: 1) break anything 2) lose anything anywhere
Cameron Jackson
Fucking Stierlitz jokes are the best.
>Sritlitz was walking in the forest, when he heard a twig snapping somewhere near. >"Next time, I'll bring my gun."-he thought. >"Next time?"-the bear thought.
and
>Every year on February 23. Stirlitz was roaming the streets of Berlin with an accordion singing Cossack songs. He didn't know how close he was to being caught.
Carson Ward
Don't forget my friend, that life is a like a chess game, not everybody can be white...
Jonathan Cox
The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that the poet Mayakovsky shot himself?" The Armenian Radio answered: "Yes, it is true, because his last words were Don't shoot, comrades!"
Charles White
God gave the Russians three traits: honesty, intelligence and communism. But all must only have two.
Therefore. If you are intelligent and a communist, you can't be honest. If you are honest and a communist, you can't be intelligent. And if you are intelligent and honest... ...you can't be a communist.
Jace Rodriguez
>anything everything
Jaxon Kelly
One engine one of the plane is broken. Pilot:"Some people must jump from the plane, so other could survive,lets start by the alphabet". African Americans? No answer Black people? No answer. Black father and son. Son asking:" They called us twice". Father:"Today on this list we are right after Mexicans".
Justin Ramirez
Okay, I used this IRL once.
>Guys I don't know at BBQ party making slightly racist jokes >"Hey, man, there's actually black people in my family tree" >Oh , that's cool man, that's cool... >"Yeah, their probably still hanging there" >Uncomfortable moments while they process the joke
Easton Mitchell
The Armenian Radio was asked: We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon. What then is a horizon? The Armenian Radio answered: Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.
Alexander Ramirez
An Englishman, A Frenchman and a Russian are captured by a cannibal tribe in the jungle of Africa. The leader of the tribe steps forward before they are killed and says: 'because I was educated at the Lumumba Peoples' Friendship University of Russia and thus know you have human rights, I will allow you to choose how you want to die.' The Englishman asks for a pistol. He's given one, puts it to his scalp and says 'god save the queen!', and proceeds to shoot himself. The Frenchman asks for a knife, lays it on his wrist, says 'Vive la France!' and cuts his wrists. The Russian asks for a AK-47. The Tribesmen give it to him, after which he asks them to poke him with a fork. They comply, after which the Russian promptly begins unloading the AK on the entire crowd. In his last breath, the confused chief asks the Russian 'why did you do that?'; the Russian replies 'Russia is never the aggressor, I only acted out of self defense.'
Easton Cruz
Stirlitz doused a cat with gasoline and set fire
Cat run 10 meters and collapsed.
"Fuel is over" Stirliz has guessed
Austin Gutierrez
>married couple in hospital, wife giving birth >husband waiting for news >doctor comes, says he's got bad news >sir, i have bad news. Your child.... doesnt have legs. >Oh, no.... Thats terrible.... but i will love it anyway!! >That's not all, it also doesnt have any arms. >Oh no!!! My god.... i will still love my child!! >I'm not finished.... it.... it doesnt even have a body, its basicaly just an eye. >Oh god..... no matter, its mine, i will love it!! take me to it, i want to see my son!! >they go to the labor ward >dad sees the eye, starts waving to it >Sir, no need to wave to it, it's blind.
Ian Parker
Man, his wife and baby on a car trip is stopped by police and checked for alcohol, which is detected in both man and his wife's breath. Man: that should be a mistake and your device is broken. Check the baby Police checks baby and detects alcohol in his breath too, Police: yes, it probably broken. You can go
After some time Man: and you didn't want to feed vodka to baby!
Kevin Martin
Not the point. Funny because it's so offensive.
Jayden Martin
...
Caleb Nguyen
man is stop by police for speeding, he asks for papers, gives him mirror instead, oh you are police too, my mistake
Jordan Roberts
Кoлoбoк пoвecилcя.
Chase Walker
>Lithuanian is walking down the road >Sees a man on his knees, drinking dirty water from the ground with his palm >Lithuanian rushes to him and says >"My friend, what are you doing, there is shit in this water, you will get sick..." >"чтo ты cкaзaл? >"I said use two hands, two hands"
