National jokes thread

You know the drill.
The requirements are simple: the joke must feature your nationality.

I'll start:

The devil walks some visitors around in hell:
- "Here we have the thieves, here the killers, here the perjurers, here the oathbreakers. And here are the sinners who sinned heavily, but with no particular preference: they are just grouped by nation."
Visitors see huge open cauldrons, each with some catwalks around where demons with pitchforks stand to push the sinners back and some other demons keeping the fire lit.
As they keep walking past the cauldrons, one is different: it more like a pressure cooker with heavy lid, has moats with lava around, cerberus'es everywhere, watchtowers all around the place. One of the visitors asks:
- "Who do you keep here?"
The devil answers:
- "The jews: if even one gets out, he will pull the rest out as well."
Then the visitors see another cauldron: no catwalks, no guards, just a lone demon keeping the fire burning.
- "And who do you keep here?"
The devil answers:
- "The russians: even if one gets out, the rest will just drag him back in."

Three tired adventurers, a Jew, an Indian, and a Black man, stumble upon a farm. The farmer tells them there's only place for two in the house but the third may sleep in the barn.
- I've slept in the ghettos of Bangladesh, says the Indian, a barn is nothing for me. I'll take the barn.
So he went. 10 minutes later they hear a knock on the door. The Indian is standing in the doorway.
- There's a cow in the barn, it is a holy animal in my religion and I cannot sleep with a cow.
- No problem, says the Jew, I've handled worse circumstances. I'll sleep in the barn.
10 minutes later they hear a knock on the door. The Jew is standing in the doorway.
- There's a pig in the barn, it is a dirty animal in my religion, I can't sleep threre.
No problem, says the black man, I've been homeless in Harlem, this is nothing for me.
10 minutes later they hear a knock on the door. The cow and the pig are standing in the doorway.

Jews are having a community meeting, trying to figure out why russians dislike them.
At some point someone says that it might due to the fact they don't really know how to drink properly. Everyone agrees it might be the case and decide to bring some vodka next time — to pour into one big cauldron and get drunk proper. While preparing for the next meeting, Sarah says to Abram:
- "Why waste money on vodka if we can just bring water? It will not make any difference in that cauldron anyway."
Abram agrees.
When the next meeting comes rabbi pours all the vodka everyone brought into the cauldron. Than he takes a sip, looks back at everyone else and says:
- "This is probably why the russians dislike us."

Come on, shitlords.
Translating those into English is actually not that easy, show me what you've got.

pretty gud, have a bump russian user. I dont have any but its the least I can do.

Russian sense of humor is GOAT. I love you guys.

A man who speaks three languages is trilingual.
A man who speaks two languages is bilingual.
A man who speaks one language is American.

Why are Russian ethnic jokes so drawn out?

Yeah, they still kinda don't come out in the right context.

kek'd and bumped

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We work hard and have no humor.

>Why are Russian ethnic jokes so drawn out?
Our culture is suprising logocentric.

Should I procced into the WW II jokes yet or will you be my guest and start it, germanbro?

That's actually one of the reasons I had trouble picking up basic Russian. At first it looked like a language derived from vodka, but when I noticed everything had such a flow I caught on a lot faster.

Chinese buy a russian tank (with assembly instructions and all)
They assemble it — and it's a tractor.
They disassamble it and assemble it again, paying great attention to every detail in the instructions manual — still a tractor.
Well, they ask for a service engineer to come and help them. The engineer comes from russia and locks himself in the hangar with the "tractor". A few day later they walk in and see it's a tank proper.
- "How? What did we miss?!"
- "Have you even read the instruction? It's right here, on the last page: «after assembly process THOROUGHLY with a handfile»."

If there ever is a due date for the end of the world, come to Slovakia. We're 20 years behind.

The POTUS, the Russian president and the German chancellor sit on a beach in northern Germany, the two presidents fight over who has better submarines.
'Our subs can stay under water for 3 weeks says the American.
'Ours a whole month' replies the Russian
As the chancellor looks down in shame as Germany has no comparable fleet a slim submarine suddenly surfaces of the coast, a man in a rugged uniform, a large beard and a dirty captains hat appears trough the door and looks towards the beach.
After spotting the three he raises his right arm and shouts:'Heil Hitler, wir brauchen Diesel!'

"Apocalypse will never make it to Russia. That's where it will come FROM."

Kek

Why is this it that ever damn thing produced in Russia is hand fitted?

An African immigrant comes to a Slovak doctor saying that he's feeling depressed. Doctor said: "for the whole next week, you will need to urinate and defecate into a pot. At the end of the week, add a dead fish and moldy cabbage into that pot. After that inhale the contents for 3 more days and come back.
After this procedure, the immigrant came back to the doctor saying: I'm feeling a lot better, thanks doctor! What was the issue with me??
Doctor replied: "You were home sick".

Saved

A welshman and his wife were laying in bed and discussing relationship issues. She explains "I'm worried I can't compare to any of your previous partners, how many have there been?"
And so the Welshman started counting, but soon fell asleep.

Timeless classic.
Reminds me:

POTUS, russian president and chancellor of Germany get to ask God one question.
POTUS asks:
- "When will we overcome the legacy of slavery and discrimination?"
- "In 150 years." answers the God.
- "I will not live to see it" replies the president and starts crying.
Chancellor asks:
- "When will we overcome the economic disparity in the EU?"
- "In 250 years." answers the God.
- "I will not live to see it" replies the chancellor and starts crying.
Russian president asks:
- "When will we overcome the nepotism and corruption?"
- "I will not live to see it" replies the God and starts crying.

The spanish president: "The spanish nation is a great one, and the spanish people is very spanish and much spanish"
I wish it was a joke

Americans land on the moon:
- "Houston, we have a problem, there are Russians here painting the moon red."
- "That's impossible. You must be hallucinating"
The next day:
- "Houston, the Russians almost finished painting the moon red."
Houston looks at the moon with a telescope realizing that in fact, the moon is almost completely red.
- "Houston to Apollo, open compartment B123. There you'll find a brush and white paint. Start writing "Coca-Cola"!".

A gypsy beggar is sitting on the street and spreading shit on a piece of bread with a butterknife.

An Englisman walks by:
-Oh my God, you must be very poor.
-Aye, very poor indeed sir.
And he gave her 20 pounds.

A Frenchman walks by:
-Mon dieu, you must be very poor.
-Aye, so I am monsieur.
And he gave her 20 euro.

A Pole walks by:
-So you're poor, huh?
-Yes, v-
-so why you're spreading so thickly?

Gold.

kek good stuff russianon
also kek
this one feels unironically deep in a way
haahahahaha

i suppose i just realized i dont know any international jokes, only racist jokes, shitty puns, and memes

An old, wealthy jew is on his death bed, surrounded by family.
- Maria, my dear wife...are you here with me in those last moments?
- Yes, Itzak, as always.
-What about you, Moshe, my son?
- I am here, father.
- And you, Rachel, my sweet daughter, are you with me?
- Yes, father, I am with you.
- Then who the fuck is keeping an eye on the shop?

Why there was never a German revolution?

Because it was forbidden.

---

German in afterlife. two signs. 1 paradise 2 crash course about paradise.

guess where he goes pol?

1 German: Disciplined Man
2 Germans: Disciplined Army
3 Germans: WORLD FUCKING WAR

Reminds me:
A jew and a muslim find a magic lamp. A genie comes out and tells them that they both get a wish, and that the second wish can't cancel out any of the results of the first.
Muslim demands to go first, the jew reluctantly agrees.
- "Get every non-muslim out of middle east — ESPECIALLY the jews — and build a 50 meters high unbreakable wall around so that they can't get back in" asks the muslim.
- "It is done." say the genie.
- "So every single jew is out of middle east, only the muslims are in, the wall is 50 meters high and unbreakable?" asks the jew.
- "Yes." replies the genie.
- "Alright, pour in the concrete."

Kek

An American oil company has made an astounding and unexpected discovery.
Over a huge American oil field, they have found an unknown Arab country

>i suppose i just realized i dont know any international jokes, only racist jokes, shitty puns, and memes
> a leaf
Story checks out.

So a man goes to the insurance agency and requests an insurance plan for his home, his business and his car. The agent tells him "alright well Mr Goldblatt, we have a very good plan for you, covers robbery, arson, flood an"
>Oy Vey!
"Is there a problem Mr Goldblatt?"
>How am I going to start a flood?

Why do Russian policemen walk around in threes?
One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals

Prime Minister of India is on official visit in Russia. Putin welcomes him and shows him to a limouzine.
- How about a little ride around the red square? I'll show you how beautiful and clean our cities are...the last time I was in India I've noticed you have a little problem with...sanitary conditions - says Vladimir with a smirk.
The Indian Prime minister, while deeply offended, elected to remain silent. As they drive, though, he spotted a man, bent over, taking a shit in the middle of the square.
-Would you look at that, Mr Putin, looks like you, too, have some sanitary issues. - he proclaims exhilarated.
Furious, Putin calls forth his special servieman.
-Ivan, go and shot this filthy dog.
2 minutes later Ivan comes back.
-Sorry, sir. I couldn't shoot him - he's the ambassador of India.

A Russian, American and Ukrainian are stranded on an isle.
They are caught by aboriginals. The three are given an ultimatum: to get out you either pay us 100$, or eat a whole bucket of raw onions, or the whole tribe fucks you in the arse.
American pays 100$ and leaves.
Russian with big difficulties but nevertheless finishes the onions and leaves.
Hohol says: "Alright, fuck me". And everyone starts fucking him in the ass. After some time he exclaims: "Stop, stop! Here's the money!"

>A poor Estonian farmer had a single cow to sustain his family. During a severe thunderstorm lightning stuck and killed the cow.
>The poor man was absolutely distraught. He was on his knees, wailing and moaning in the rain and calling for God's justice.
>God felt so sorry for the man that he appeared to him, apologized for the "friendly fire" and asked what He could do to make amends.
>The farmer thought about the offer and replied:
>"Kill my neighbor’s cow as well!"

>mfw this was real.

A new yorker, a texan and a crip are in a crashing plane. The flight attendant tells them there are only two parachutes left. The new yorker offers the upstanding youth his parachute, who gladly takes it and jumps. The texan scolds the new yorker as he jumps out for giving his life for a ghetto thug. To his surprise the new yorker floats down beside him and tells him
>That wasnt a parachute, that was my backpack

One more shared trait with Lithuanians...
Cheers Estii

A Chinese pilot is going through his preflight checklist when he's joined by his new Jewish co-pilot.

The co-pilot remarks, "Oy! I don't like the Chinese. Your people bombed Pearl Harbor."

The pilot scowls and replies, "No we didn't, that was the Japanese."

The copilot waves his hand and insists, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it's all the same."

The pilot remains silent for a few moments and then says, "You know what, I don't really like Jewish people."

The copilot asks why not and he replies, "Your people sunk the Titanic."

The Jews scoffs, "No we didn't, that was an Iceberg!"

The pilot responds, "Spielberg, Goldberg, Iceberg, it's all the same."

- Two Slovaks converse: "Do you know what are the ideal sizes of a woman in the US?
- "No"
- "90-60-90"
- "That's not that unusual. It's the same with Slovak women"
- "Yes, but in the US, it's in inches."

i actually do have a few jokes from quebec but they absolutely do not translate into english because theyre mostly plays on words

Did he say that in Spanish or in English?

There was a German revolution so it kinda falls flat.

>a farmer finds a genie lamp
>he rubs the lamp and genie comes out
>the genie says: "make any wish, but everything you wish for your neighbor is going to get that twofold."
>the farmer replies: "take one of my eyes"

Jealousy of neighbors, indeed... cheers lietuva

An American boasts to his Russian friend.
-I have three cars. One I drive to work, one I drive to church, and one I drive when I go abroad.
Well, says the Russian, I have two cars. One I drive to work and one to church.
-And what do you go abroad?
-Tanks.

is the joke that he only has enough money to protect himself from a certain amount of ass fucking or that hes a fag who enjoys it so pays to get pounded?

When NASA sent out the first astronauts into space, they have realized that normal pens don't work in a low gravity environment. So they have devised a plan to create a new research facility with top scientists and engineers. After several years and millions of dollars spent, they came up with an ultra-modern pen able to write in any position, any environment and at a temperature range between 0 and 300 degrees Kelvin.

The Russians used a pencil instead

kek good one goy

> mfw not even a joke

The joke is that he's cheap, and kinda a fag.

What do you call a black person with eight arms?


Fucked if I know but he'd make a dam good cotton picker

A poor family in a poor county lived entirely off of a dairy cow that made the finest cheese in the state. One morning the cow died and the farmer was the first to notice. Realizing he would be destitute, he hung himself. His wife came out to let him know breakfast was ready and saw him hanging, so she threw herself in the river. The eldest son came down and saw the hanged father, his mother washed up on the rocks and a lady leprechaun. she says to him "having a rough day? Ill bring back your parents and the cow, but only if you make love to me ten times in a row"

Well the son thinks to himself she looks like an incase shortstack so why not? Does his best but after 3 he goes limp. In a fit of rage she killed him. So the middle son comes down and sees the whole gruesome scene and the lady leprachaun says to him "having a rough day? Ill bring them all back, but only if you make love to me ten times in a row"

Well the son thinks to himself she looks like an incase shortstack so why not? But after 6 times he goes limp and in a fit of rage she kills him. The youngest son comes out now and sees the blood, the hanging the drowning and finally the lady leprachaun taps him on the shoulde and says "having a rough day? Ill bring back your parents and the cow, but only if you make love to me ten times in a row"

Well the son says right back "what if I could go for 15?" The lady blushes and says "why id bring them all back and give you a great mansion to live in" the boy nods and says "what about 20?" She gasps and blushes brighter, saying "id give you a great chest of gold on top of it all!" The boy agrees and says "but can you last that long?" The lady look offended and scoffs "what do you mean?!"
>Well it killed the cow

And then graphite broke from the pencil drifted away due to low gravity and shorted the delicate electronics in the spaceship.

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt out for 200 years it'll develop a culture.

In the original version of the joke first he eats most of the onions (until he can't take it anymore), and then proceeds the butsexs.

Yeah, I fucked it up a bit.

KEK

Aliens abduct a german, a french and a russian.
They give each of them two steel balls (the size of an egg), tell that they have to come up with something impressive within a couple of days and lock each of them in a small empty cell. Whoever wins if free to go, the other two will be dissected.
Two days later aliens check on the german guy: he shows them all kind of physics demonstrations with those two balls.
Next they check on the french: he's juggling the balls pretty impressively and shows all kinds of tricks.
Next they go to check on the russian while the french and the german wait in the corridor. A minute later the aliens come out laughing like mad.
- "Why? What did he do?!" ask the german and french.
- "He lost one and broke the other!"

That's just not the whole joke. In original Ukrainian says: "Alright, I'll eat a bucket of onions." Eats half of the bucket, than says: "No, I can't, just fuck me!" So aboriginals start to fuck him. After half of the tribe finishes the job Ukrainian says: "No I can't take it anymore, give me the bucket!" Continues eating onions. Almost finishes the bucket, then says: "Fuck this, just finish fucking me!" So Abos start fucking him again. As the last man is about to pull out his dick Ukrainian screams: "GOD, JUST TAKE THE MONEY"

A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village. He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!- But, a long long time ago, I fucked ONE sheep..

Why don't you help a german who is drowning? Because deep down they're good people.

Why isnt there any walmarts in syria ? because theres a target on every corner

When is the only time you can spit in a Persian woman’s face?
When her mustache is on fire!

Chinese attack Soviets. 10 million troop army finds a river. The general orders them "DRINK!", but the river is still there, so he again shouts "DRINK", but the river is still there. The general sends scouts to find a crossing upstream where they find the Russian general shouting "PISS! PISS!"

It is really more about Ukrainians being not so bright, always choosing what seems to be an easier way without much thought and not being able to embrace the consequences of one's own choice.

After two days in the desert, Abdul's camel was about to collapse.

"Ahmed," Abdul ordered, "bring her over here to the watering hole!"

Ahmed brought the camel to the watering hole, but no matter what they did, the camel would not drink. Knowing that the camel would die if it did not drink, Abdul came up with an idea. "We will have to force the camel drink," Abdul explained, "Ahmed, when I hold the camels head under the water, you start sucking through it's butthole, and it will be forced to drink!"

Knowing they would die if the camel didn't drink, Ahmed went to the rear of the camel. As Abdul stuck the camel's head under the water, Ahmed began sucking on the camel's butthole. After a couple of minutes sucking on the butthole, Ahmed shouted to Abdul, "Lift her head a little, she's sucking mud!"

The Devil kidnapped an Englishman, a Frenchman, a German, and a Pole and brought them to the edge of a cliff.
-Jump! - he says to the Englishman.
-No!
-A gentmeman would jump!
and the Englishman jumped to his death.
-Jump! - he says to the Frenchman
-Non!
-A gentmeman would jump!
-Non!
-Jumping off the cliff is in fashion!
and the Frenchman jumped to his death.
-Jump! - he says to the German
-Nein!
-A gentmeman would jump!
-Nein!
-Jumping off the cliff is in fashion!
-Nein!
-It's an order!
and the German jumped to his death.
-Jump! - he says to the Pole
-Nie!
-A gentmeman would jump!
-Nie!
-Jumping off the cliff is in fashion!
-Nie!
-It's an order!
-Nie!
-Fine, whatever, don't jump!
and the Pole jumped to his death.

A Finn, American and a Russian got stranded on a island. After a week on the island, they discover a cave. When they enter, a genie appears and gives each of them 2 wishes.

American goes first and says; " I want 10 million dollars on my bank account and to be teleported to my home." Poof, he vanishes.

Finn goes next: "I want a monthly deposits of 100 000 euros for the rest of my life and teleported back home." Poof, he too vanishes.

Russian looks around puzzled. Genie asks he he too wants the same wishes as the other two.

"No. I want weekly crates of vodka to this lovely island and both of my friends back."

An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
"Your name please?"
“Abdul Aziz”
“Sex? ”
“Six times a week!”
“No, no, I mean male or female.”
“Doesn’t matters, sometimes even camel.”

Soviet spy was cornered by the SS, with every exit of the the building blocked by the germans. Luckily he was able to exit via the entrance.

Three Vietnamese guys called Chu, Bu and Fu immigrated to America. To better blend into the general public, they decided to change their names.
Chu was known as Chuck
Bu was known as Buck
and Fu decided to move back to Vietnam

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..

How many jews fit inside a car?
5 on the seats and a 1,000 in the ashtray.

Straya had to make the thread racist.

kekd so fucking hard

KGB, MI6, and CIA organized a joint training in the forests of Alaska. The objective was to find a rabbit.
First goes the CIA. They established an immaculate network of secret agents and informants among forest creatures. After a week they remerge, defeated.
Second is MI6. They use state of the art intelligence equipment to locate the rabbit but after two weeks of intense search they, too, give up.
Finally, KGB enters the forest. A week passes, then second, then the third. Finally, on the 30th day they come out of the forest dragging a severely beat up grizzly bear that is screaming: 'I'm a rabbit! My mother and father were rabbits! '

Hahahahaha.

How was copper wire invented?

Two jews fought over a penny

Americans sent an elite spy into Russia. But he came back the next day that he was exposed.
The investigation committee asks:
- "Did you drink vodka like a Russian?"
- "yes I did!"
- "Did you speak like a Russian?"
- "da, gavaril!"
- "and did you dance the cossack dance like a Russian?
- "yes I did!"
- "Then I really don't know why you were so easily exposed. But you black guys seem to fuck up everything"

104 years old jew is laying on his deathbed. His 108 years old friend comes to check on him:
- "How are you feeling tonight?"
- "Bad, very bad. I think I'll see God soon, Abram."
- "Huh. Well, if God asks you "How is Abram doing?" — you haven't seen me and know nothing about me!"

Why wouldn’t the Statue of Liberty work in france ? because she has only one arm raised

More recent stuff:
>Moscow officials received a reguest to allow a pro-Putin guy parade. The city council is in confusion.

So about those two parasite worms inside a human brain...

I got it but then I am originally a leaf......they have a large population of ukies.

why do jewish men have to be circumsized ? because jewish women don't touch anything unless its 20% off

An englishman, a frenchman and a lithuanian get abducted by ogres. The the chieftain of ogres goes near them and says:
-The bad news is we caught you and after we eat you we will make canoes from your skin.
-The good news is that you can choose how you want to die.
The frenchman says:
-I choose the sword.
The chieftain hands him the sword and the frenchman shouts:
-Vive la France!
And pierces the sword through his heart.
Now it's the englishmans turn to choose.
He chooses the pistol and shouts!
-God save the queen!
And shoot himself in the temple.
Now's the time for lithuanian to choose.
He gives a determined look and says:
-Give me a fork.
Chieftain gets surprised, but just shrugs his shoulders and hands him the fork.
Lithuanian imediately starts hystericaly stabbing himself all over his body.
The chieftain confused af asks him?
-The hell are you doing?
Lithuanian replies:
-We'll see how fucking well your canoe turns out.

How do you get 100 Jews into a car?
– You throw in a nickel.
How do you get them out of there?
– Tell them that Hitler is driving the car.

why are all jewish men circumcised?
cos jewish women wont touch anything unless it's at least 10% off

i already said this joke you faggot

see :

The problem: Illegal migrants illegally beat illegal gang members, defending their illegal activities, illegal gang members shot at illegal migrants from illegal weapons, trying to illegally pick up this illegal activity.
The task: help russian parliament come up with what exactly should be prohibited in the next bill they pass.

Russian, Frenchman, Slovak and gypsy are on the roof of a skyscraper. Russian holds a bottle of vodka, takes a long sip and throws the almost full bottle down, saying "In Russia, there is so much vodka, you dont have to drink twice from one bottle." Frenchman has a bottle of champagne, drinks from it and throws the rest down. " In France, we have so much champagne, we dont have to drink twice from a bottle. " Slovak has two bottles of beer. He hands one to the gypsy, they cheer and drink. Slovak suddenly pushes the gypsy down the roof and says " You know, in Slovakia there are so many gypsies, you dont have to drink twice with the same one..."

...

Little Abram comes home and says:
-Today at school, when I was asked about my ethnicity, I answered that I'm Russian!
The father answers:
-Well, now instead of sitting on a soft chair you would be sitting on a wooden chair.
Mother:
-Now instead of eating chicken soup you'll be eating cabbage soup.
Grandmother:
-For dinner you'll be eating porridge instead of mutton cutlets.
Little Abram sat on his wooden chair, ate his cabbage soup, started eating his porridge and said:
-I'm Russian for only half an hour, but I already hate you kikes so much.

Kek