hi Sup Forums I need your help! due to accidental and unforeseen circumstances, I now need to pretend to be of merchant origins or at least merchant-halfbreed
seeing how deep the topic always runs here, I figured you could give me a hand. joke answers and memes welcome too, but in all seriousness, need some pointers from actual merchants or those that know them well on subtle behaviour traits, expressions, minor accessories or ways of dressing, topics of conversations or things to mention non-chalantly, etc. don't want to look like I'm trying hard, just make other merchants think I'm one of them naturally. also, we aren't talking about kosher or religious shit, no running around screaming "Happy Rosh Hashanah" >happy Rosh Hashanah faggets, btw
TL;DR: how to convince modern merchants that I may be one of them without appearing to be trying too hard?
Take off ur flag and prove you're already not one.
Easton Perez
...
Joseph Williams
fug, ok
Alexander Peterson
whine.....ALOT
eat bagels and "nosh"
wear stupid scarves
pay more attention to your crotch than usual when in the presence of children.
talk about the holocaust at least once an hour
the list goes on really.jewing isnt that hard
Ian Perez
low-key is the..key here I don't look jewish, so I need to act jewish, do things they do as if these are just natural things to me, not as if I'm a white person trying to fit in with jews, so I keep talking about the holocaust (although I'm sure dropping a reference to "never again" with some conviction once in a while won't hurt)
Liam Reed
how hard is it to trade in commodities?
Nolan Rivera
Sacrifice your first born son to Moloch.
Daniel Murphy
They will recognize you as a phony in less than 5 minutes. You don't know their holidays. You don't know their history. You don't know their foods. You didn't go to Hebrew school after regular school in 5th and 6th grade. All they have to do is mention the name of one Hebrew letter and see you go "What did you say?" Have fun making a fool of yourself.
Bentley Anderson
lol its okay. We'll annex you soon.
Nathan Hughes
You'll never pass, we have ways of knowing who is legit.
Ryder Martinez
All a Jew needs to do is ask you several questions about your Bar Mitzvah to know you're a fraud. He could ask you how many X's were at your BM, knowing that X is never part of a BM. Then when you say whatever number, you're caught.
Zachary Walker
lol a Jew can spot a Jew from facial features
you will never pass
Mason Thompson
...
Logan Sullivan
Charge ludicruous amounts of interest on any loans you give friends, family, etc..
Luis Reed
hard happy new year! now gibs tips! how to be low key shekelberg?
>implying all the jews in the west follow all the holidays and religious shit >implying I can't pull a Hitchens and pretend like I only recently found out about being a jew and that my family doesn't really care about making it a big deal or making an identity out of it
please work faster >remember not to give right to vote for like a generation or two
tell me the ways! also >fucking leaf POO IN IGLOO O O
I N
I G L O O
Isaiah Gomez
you in Toronto my man?
I can give you some "tips" in person if you like.
Adam Brooks
right, cause they all look the same, maybe I'm a half-breed child of a half-breed parent. as far as I understand, as long as the female line is jewish, that would technically still make me a jew
see 2nd reply in no reason I can be a non-religious jew from an immigrant family that was always afraid of their heritage cause they came from some country where jews were always persecuted, so they never did any of the traditional shit, but still have jew blood >or come up with some other plausible scenario
Elijah Richardson
F O R E S K I N S
Jack Smith
Vancouver, but I'll take the tips
Daniel Sanchez
Just be who you already are, diaspora """jews""" are jewish in name only.
Brandon Ross
essentially what I need, just with some hints as to how to appear and act a bit more like the diaspora, appearing as one without appearing to be claiming to be one
Anthony Anderson
There's an user here who has studied the Torah and Hebrew extensively and went and filed himself for Judaism using the name of a fake Rabbi. Israel actually flew him out to visit. Maybe he will make an appearance OP, he's the one to talk to
Alexander Allen
He's here a lot if you can manage to get a thread to stay at the top he'll probably catch it. He was posting last night Anyways, good luck my undercover brother
Jaxon Brown
thanks, hope he shows up I don't need to go that deep culturally/religiously, in fact, I think that would hurt my chances of staying stealth, as I'd not be able to master it at that level but if he can give me some subtler pointers, that would be great
Noah Kelly
What are you trying to accomplish?
Daniel Kelly
Eat that, goyum
Logan Wilson
I am a step ahead of you. I joined a Jewish group in search of job connections. Just remember this: your mother is Jewish and your father is a gentile. You are trying to connect with your heritage and were raised by secular parents.
I wish I could share more, but I don't want to give away my identity.
Nicholas Young
gotta keep the lucrative job I was given because someone assumed I was merchant, but he is not the person who decides if I stay, need to have the rest assume the same thing without looking too hard like I'm trying to convince them >possible further economic and political advancements
Lucas Ross
You say there are jews on your mothers side which immigrated during the 1900s from Russia before the social uprooting of the country itself. Who could say you arent telling the truth? Ethnic jews are a thing. You are an ethnic jew, not religious jew. Socially liberal, fiscally shysty, yknow, that sorta deal. Dont start rocking head caps like a dumbass though.
David Nelson
Well, do you look Jewish?
Mason Murphy
user, you don't sound like a sociopath. Are you sure you want the rest of your life to be a lie?
Jace Sanchez
Brag ALOT.
When you're around goys then act depressed
Elijah Hernandez
say shalom read up on isreali news daily idk
Wyatt Sanchez
Anyway, here is a map of places Jews come from, and darker blue is a stronger/easier claim.
>What about Spanish/Middle Eastern Jews? Don't fucking do it. They're typically much more observant than Ashknazic across the board, and you'll have many more questions. >What about Argentina, South Africa? They will ask more questions.
>Do you look Jewish? If you look non-Jewish; black, darker skin, blonde/blue eyed, tall, etc, you might have some questions.
>What should I know? Well, first your mother has to be Jewish. Thus, you can get away with a non Jewish last name. A lot of Jews in diaspora in NA do not particularly practice, so understand the basics
>Holidays Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Chaunaka, and shabbat. >Hebrew name Depends on what your name is, plenty of Jews lack it, but often times if you're learned you'll adopt one. >The real basics of practicing Mezuzot, teffilin, basics of kosher. Not necessary to know the gritty details, but be aware of them if asked. >Do you have a mezuzah? Yes, I do. I got it from Chabad.
Know that the hebrew alphabet is the alef-bais.
>How do I make a generic back story? My mother is Jewish her maiden name was Wexler/Weinstein/Rothstein,etc, but she is reform and my father isn't Jewish. My great-grandparents were Orthodox, and they came from Poland/Russia, but I really never practiced much more than Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah with my grandparents.
Dominic King
plzzzz teach me your ways! you aren't going to give out anything, it's not even obvious which country you are in (if you are in US or even Cuckada, just look at the size of the population vs you, nobody could figure out who you are from just basic tips)
just talk about some general practices and details: speech, dress, behaviour, anything else you can think of -- without talking about places or names of organizations or anything that would blow your cover
Elijah Davis
I'm kind of fucked already though, so no point in pulling out I didn't say anything right away, neither confirming nor denying anything, as I wanted the job, so now, if I make it clear to the rest that I'm not a jew and it will obviously get back to the person who gave me the job assuming I was, he is not going to go "oh yeah, I never asked, why did I just assume that, my mistake" -- it'll be like I tricked him and lied to him, and that'll obviously have me lose my job fast, poison a lot of other opportunities for me, never mind drag behind me forever, as there are a lot of merchants in my profession
thanks, I can actually claim the comblock past, just not immigration during the 1900s, more like after USSR collapsed
>Where Jews come from thanks for the info, I can pretty legitimately claim the blue area, so maybe I have a good shot with a better backstory >Do you look Jewish? Not really, I do have a large nose; otherwise: ash-brown hair, dark grey eyes, generally fount to be attractive, not tall though, manlet
thanks for all the specific terms, anything else I can google would be greatly appreciated. >Backstory yes, this can work for me pretty congruently!
Logan Jones
this is the correct answer. tell them you wish you were brought up to know more about your heritage and whatnot.
Christian Scott
google all the merchent holidays. There are a bunch of them. look up that and you should be gucci.
Also get a rolex.
Logan Smith
Your mother is jewish, period
Isaiah Russell
>Your description Yeah, that looks pretty Ashkenazi. >Backstory Tons of Jews did leave during the Soviet era and right after as well.
>Other things that might come up Excusing ignorance is fine, but you may be asked to participate in a minyan if they think you're Jewish
>What is a minyan? Jews "daven" three times a day. For Jewish davening to be done properly you need 10 Jewish men of age.
>But I don't know Hebrew! It really doesn't matter, if you want someone to walk you through it ask, otherwise just grab a siddur (prayer book, literally means "Order") and follow the prayer order vaguely for the time properly (morning=Shacharit, noon/afternoon=Minha, night=maariv)
Face Jerusalem. Do as the Romans do, you don't need to recite anything unless you volunteered to lead. Reading is unimportant as long as you're in quorum.
>Shabbat You might be invited for shabbat, be aware of how practicing your host is. E.g., can I turn on lights? Should I spend the night?
You also might be asked to say some prayers or sing or bring up something, you can typically just excuse yourself if you're not well versed.
>Do you have any favorite songs? >I don't really know any particularly well.
That's really it. No one will ever check your backstory or lineage unless
>You're going for a rabbinical ordination >You're marrying into Orthodoxy >You're apply for Israeli or Spanish citizenship/invoking right of return.
Dominic Ross
Have a cheap phone, cheap watch, talk about your mother being too assertive, shit on trump for no reason, learn some yiddish/hebrew to not get trapped. Slip a "oy vey" sometimes ( it is actually prononced "oy voy" btw).
Let it slip that your mother was jewish, they will ask you from where, say the closest country from your ethnicity ( ex : german, russian, polish, spanish, holland...)
