When I binned my knife and resumed my life I thought that the days of brutality on the streets of England were over.
As poured my cutlery tray into the knife bin, along with my block of kitchen knives I thought that I was safe - that I had made my country a little more secure for not only me, but my fellow countrymen as well.
I was wrong - today I was taking my roast dinner to be cut up at the police station by Registered Knife Custodians when I was ambushed.
Three large working class coloured Englishmen started hurling handfuls of Digestive biscuits at me. These terrible missiles struck me in my face and riddled me with crumb shrapnel.
Bruised and wounded by the ferocity of their attack, I was soon laid low - but their onslaught was not over yet. From their bags they revealed two large bushels of stinging nettles in garden gauntleted hands.
They thrashed me to within an inch of my life, they rubbed stinging nettles all over my scrotum and arse crack - they stole my roast chicken and left me for dead in the gutter. I was one of the lucky ones. I lived to tell this tale.
When will the United Kingdom accept it has a serious problem with assault weapons. This cannot continue. Will us English ever know peace from this new menace?
We've suffered from Battle Ponds, Combat Bouncy Castles and now this.
I'm so sick of this country - the violence and oppression has reached critical levels. If I could leave to a more peaceful country I would.
>biscuit license ran out last week >have a pack of digestives in the cupboard i'm scared lads
Nathan Ward
Wrong! They're biscuits and they are perfect with sausage gravy for breakfast.
Evan Long
That's what the average Brit looks like normally.
Gabriel Reed
These are particularly deadly assault biscuits. Often hurled quick fire from a packet instead of eaten - all 14 in a packet can be launched at you with terrible speed and precision.
You don't want to be hit by these, let me tell you.
Nathaniel Cook
Install a VPN and you can order chlorinated cookies from the US.
William Gomez
Big ol’ kek, thanks Nigel
William Torres
I can still remember the day that the police raided next door. They were an elderly couple, David and Agnes. Sweet as you could imagine and kinder than anyone you've ever met.
Turns out that they had a huge patch of stinging nettles in their garden and cupboards filled with garibaldis and iced gems (The bakers buckshot). I had no idea that they were terrorists.
Sebastian Nelson
My mom tried to make biscuits once and they were so hard that they broke one of my fathers tooths and he almost choked to death. This shit is no joke.
Daniel Bell
Anyone got a fag?
Joseph Barnes
I had two, but I smoked them.
Now I don't know what to do with the bodies.
Christopher James
>bongistan 2019 >Last white left in my village >Go out to the market with my guide >Every biscuit is locked up in boxes, need ID and written consent from the local Imam to possess >Really need a bickie >Find crumb on floor, place in pocket as I pretend to lace my shoe >enter queue, sweating bullets >Cashier senses something is wrong >Calls the bobbies >Guess that's how the cookie crumbles.
