You Somehow Land In Ancient Europe

You are a regular guy from today, somehow you end up at the gates of Ancient Rome. Can’t speak the language, no clothes. You’re surrounded by legionaries.

They want to have some fun with this oddball (you) before they kill him.

You have only a few minutes to convince them to let you live. What do you do?

Start sucking their dicks? Great thread. Sage.

Me a legionari, you pleb. Lette go of me.

>can't speak the language
Pro se loquere, fascis.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't need to. A modern human's physique would be such an oddity to them that they'd likely take you in for questioning rather than kill you. We know from skeletal remains the average roman was around 5'4'' to 5'7'', so unless you're a manlet you'd stick out like a sore thumb. Even if you're a manlet, being raised on a modern diet means you're significantly more likely to not be malnourished, and this would be reflected in your skin tone, facial structure, and hair. Lastly, if you're an Amerimutt like me, the lack of a foreskin would probably freak them the fuck out.

They'd probably take me in as a slave, in which case I'd work hard, and eventually, earn my freedom, then I'd go around getting drunk and screaming about a tribe of long-nosed bastards north-east of Egypt who tricked my parents into mutilating my penis.

Assuming everything follows this highly optimistic prediction, I'd probably impregnate some down on her luck girl who has to settle for a foreigner and die of a preventable disease due to degenerate modern genetics.

Yeah I'm 6'6 so they'd probably think I was a god at first.

Anyways I'd find a blacksmith and go about creating functional steam engines and firearms and a telegraph system.

And I would fucking rip on the Iudæos like nothing else.

Give them the roman salute and begin writing out basic mathematics in the sand. Hopefully one of them will be smart enough to see that I'm of good use to them.

This, same as aliens, except they probably wouldnt understand pic related. Im sure II + IV = VI would be enough though

I suck their dicks obviously

>murder is legal

hahahaha! no. the first thing I do is look for some olive oil and drink as much as possible so my holes are less spicy when raped

I'm fluent in Latin

There's probably nothing I could do to get them to spare me. But assuming they did let me live, I'd try to eventually make the acquaintance of what passes for an engineer or a scientist or just a smart man and demonstrate for him how you can make black powder out of urine, charcoal, and elemental sulfur. Maybe try to diagram a primitive flintlock of some kind. And then if they go for that, explain the new world to them so we can conquer it in the name of the Senate and People of Rome.

if by roman salute you mean the "heil" i don't think they did that they would just hit their chest as a salute

Obvious British answer...

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Good one Reddit!!1! xD

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Sum amicus. Nolo mors, fraterae.

Lmao I'm black so they most likely worshipped me as a king

Eh they'd probably understand that despite your Latin being shit.

user.....i

I'd bust out a laptop and show them a Total War: Rome game.

I'd immediately be sent to speak to various Generals whom would confirm my strategic genius.

The rest is history senpai.

Been years

Uhhhh arma virum cano uh troiae

>cant speak the language
I speak Spanish and worship the Gods they will see me as a non barbarian

I would start speaking to them in Latin, which I know because I am not a brianlet.

I speak spanish, communicating to latin speakers could be managed, if not I would blow them ;)

>Hey Titus, this pleb from Hispania thinks he's emperor

Eccite sic stulum plebem et ridite

'tell varro hes gonna get destroyed in cannae'
'also in 200 years marc antony is gonna choose hoes before bros'

i show them the thread of my clothing, such fine stitching on my cheap t-shirt, machine stiching to rival the finest seamstresses. immediately they realize that i am a man of wealth and that i am worth keeping alive even if only to steal that wealth that they assume i have. this buys me some time.

No you would make a nice lion food in the colosium.

>titus
We Iberians run this shit empire now.

How retarded are you? The average height today is only a couple inches taller than that. There were plenty of really tall people back then, just as you could see a seven foot tall guy walk past you on the street and not assume he was some kind of inherent danger. It's a shame you actually came to a conclusion like that on your own. Perhaps lobotomy is a good move for you

fpbp

I'd tell them not to invade Russia.

same, i've always wanted the chance to play irl Age of Empires 2: The Rise of Rome. tfw MechE, though not having Google would fuck me up good.

genuinely worried i'm autistic enough that I'd get killed before learning the language

but if I survived the first year, i could tech them up to Industrial Revolution tier no problem.

ideally, i'd mix Roman mystery school religion with Warhammer 40k lore and redpill them so hard they try to colonize every planet. i don't see a way to get from steam tech up to microprocessors in one lifetime though, since anything beyond early Industrial Revolution tier requires a school -> college -> apprentice -> licensed professional engineer pipeline that takes decades to train up.

for Rome, though:
> steam engines for water pumps to mine deeper
> machine tools (lathe, drill press) run from water wheel
> interchangeable parts
> assembly-line production using unskilled labor
> Bessemer process furnace to control carbon content in iron, to make steel weapons cheaply
> Copper wire
> Telegraph
> Printing press
> Mass STEM training
> Oil refining
> Internal combustion engine
> Gunpowder mass production
> Germ theory of disease
> Antibiotics
> Immunization (would need to re-discover)
> Clocks to measure longitude
> Ironclad ships

there's a lot of stuff to cover.
worst case scenario i'd write it all down.
rapid tech changes would drive people mad.
can't be worse than getting conquered by the vandals

Tell them that I am the God Mercury and that Christianity is bad.

You wouldn't do any of that you faggot

>christianity is bad
No shit they fed christians to lions.

You fucking moron. They dug up some roman auxiliaries' bones and they had skeletons stronger than modern super soldiers. brainlet, wtf do you think is going to happen to your body when you march around the mediterranean in full gear for 25 years?

I laughed

Being a chemistry fag I would try and get natron and vinegar to make a hasty science experiment, other than that I could make hella money if I could find an ancient source off making bleach if I could rig something together that would make a current.

> But as for the others, since, in our judgment they are foolish madmen, we decree that they shall be branded with the ignominious name of heretics. They will suffer in the first place the chastisement of the divine condemnation and in the second the punishment of our authority which in accordance with the will of Heaven we shall decide to inflict.

>can't speak the language
But can you properly pronounce the words?
They'll laugh at your accent but you have a better chance than me.

no they didn't and no they weren't.
>wtf do you think is going to happen to your body when you march around the mediterranean in full gear for 25 years?
your body will be completely destroyed by wear and tear, retard

i begin to fap.

>But can you properly pronounce the words?
Ita

I'm not saying it's not possible. I'm saying YOU wouldn't do it. Like some faggot posting on Sup Forums in the middle of the night would ever be motivated to do any of that. You would either starve or carve out some meek existence

>Lastly, if you're an Amerimutt like me, the lack of a foreskin would probably freak them the fuck out.
Dude, jews existed back then...

>being raised on a modern diet means you're significantly more likely to not be malnourished

All those glutenous fat fucks you see ARE malnourished. Their bodies lack essential vitamins and minerals, they have to process tons of junk to squeeze out what it needs, making them lard asses.

Teach them about the flat earth.

Also discourse on the contemporary(ancient) aliens in egypt.

irrumatio! :3

You'd only need to show some artisans and military or court engineers the basics of electricity, gunpowder, steam and sanitation with alcohol. Learning the language would be enough to redpill them on the really basic concepts, and definitely enough for Caesar to drag some blacksmith to his throne room to have it made.

So you appear as a time traveler terminator.

Why not blow them anyway? Men back then were so masculine they would make even the hardest men now look like fairies. There would be nothing better than being with someone like that.

just because you're a stupid fat cunt with bad ankles because you don't do anything doesn't mean that you still aren't capable of much more.fucking brainlet, your body is designed to do "amazing" things under insane conditions.

I can whistle pretty good, and know music theory, so desu I don't think would have to many problems. Would just whistle some of the classical music pieces, they would think I was some kinda music god, then I would teach them music and get lots of pussy,drink wine being belligerent drunk would not last long in new found paradise.

Dude they wouldn't even give you that much time to prove yourself. They would either kill you within minutes or force you into slavery.
>yeah, let's give this guy who doesn't look like us or speak our language a year or so ago to prove he's cool and not a double agent

I can tell you the average Sup Forums faggot would be shocked to see that the Ancient Romans were the same black men they hate

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I spit on them so they are infected by flu and millions will die.

we probably look like domesticated versions of them with softer features who are more passive and receptive. I think they would recognize us as like their people but they wouldn’t know what exactly we were or how we got this way.

speak for yourself, i'm on Sup Forums because it's more fun than reflecting on how i'm too fat and bald to attract a woman who's not banged out already, and how the best days of my profession were literally 100 years ago. take me back to Rome, where i can actually be useful, and actually be head of a family, and i'll perk right up.

actually, you're right, i need to re-think my entire life. fucking hell.
> get /fit/
> learn sales and AI on top of MechE
> actually, just learn to like people and be around people without sperging out
> do a couple of social hobbies instead of just shitposting on the chans and playing vidya when not at work
> get back more of the mojo that enables me to get big wins every now and then

now this is the most redpilling of redpills.

Are you really completley bald? How much do you weigh?

>be over 6ft tall weight lifter slavshit
>be Croat so probably look mostly like those same Romans anyway
>Only aced Latin, History and Natural sciences in high school and worked as a toolsmith.

I pick one of them up and lift him on my shoulder to make him into kingnigga so the others laugh it of and let me go by talking to them.
I ask them what kind of divine wine did I drink to end up naked out in the open.
Maybe join them as an auxiliary and rape some Germanic women.
Avoid trabble and move to the Canary islands after earning my keep.

post pics please

Hey man, I'm just an asshole shit posting. Although none of those things you listen are bad to get into. Nobodies perfect. Everybody has their vices and imperfections. I am also on Sup Forums in the middle of the night. Don't be too hard on yourself, but trying to better yourself everyday is something you should also strive for

6', 320lbs but broad frame and good face under all the fat, early 30s, 50% bald (i.e. a standard-sized kippah just barely covers the bald spot)

i tried shaving my head once but my coworkers were creeped out and i had to explain that i wasn't a nazee.

nigger, don't fall for the female jew. it fucks a man up good. if you want a woman go full traditional and only consider virgins of your own race and culture. i didn't and look where it got me.

I'm a foot taller than the average centurion. They look at me as a giant and I get to live out my days in a ludus training and fucking the masters wife. Easy

Masturbate for one last time.

Why blame women for your own shortcomings? This is the best your body will be for the rest of your life, every day you age and grow weaker. You should work on getting your body healthy now, so you can at least enjoy it a little rather than feel like garbage 100% of the time at an old age.
Depression always plays some part in things like these, and it’s okay. But you should really try to work past that. Do you have friends? Try doing stuff with them more, actual stuff. Try whenever you want to eat thinking if youre actually hungry or are you just eating out of boredom/habbit.
And we’re all human and we always break our goals, don’t beat yourself up when that happens. Just try to work so it doesnt happen too often. A reward every once and a while can be a good thing.
Good luck user. I really hope that you can improve your life, for your own sake. You don’t seem happy and things won’t get better wallowing in your misery.

>being raised on a modern diet means you are less likely to be malnourished
Okay but at the same time we are poisoned by our own air/food/water and the ancients aren't.

i come here for the hurt-box effect so really thanks man. didn't mean to go all /pleb9k/ up in here. it's ok to enjoy the journey too, i suppose.

the romans had it easier in a way.
> only one option for religion (state religion)
> only one career path worth anything (military)
> only natural lighting and foods
> struggle every day, then die at age 50
that said, modern life is way fucking better than rome. if i was willing to bang a fatty, i could have casual sex this weekend with negligible risk of children, if i got an acl tear from the blubberhumping i could get it surgically repaired for a small insurance fee, and if i wanted to i could go buy any of a wide selection of fruits and wines from around the world, right now, in the middle of the night, and be back here shitposting with you fucktards in under 30 minutes. we have luxuries undreamed-of by the Romans. no reason to be wojack. plenty of reason to be pepe.

read a history book you stupid fucking nigger

If they don't kill me, I'll probably go tell the current emperor to set up raiders into Germanic to genocide the germanics and eventually force them into subjugation. And tell the emperor about a great land to the west of the Atlantic ocean full of riches.

I know Spanish, Italian and French and English has plenty of latin loanwords. So i could hold a very limited conversation with them.
>wears a barbaric beard
>5,8 foot tall
>7,8 inch dick
Yeah, but they probably would enslave me and with some luck i would serve as sex slave for both male and female and later fuck myself into freedom.
>Now that iam free i tell the romans all of the modern-day known geography.
>teach myself latin with the dirty earned money
>become one of the biggest scientist in roman time
>america gets colonized by the romans

I do speak a tiny bit of Latin though. Took idk 4 years back in 3-7 grade

Do the detaching thumb tip illusion

But they wouldn’t even have had that big of a military advantage over the natives.
and with roman ships crossing the sea would be a nightmare. There would be no supply routs.

They did. But it wasn't because of their harsh exercise. It was their food and environment free of the vast amount of toxins we are exposed to today. A level of toxins which you don't actually know how bad it is. It's much, much worse, than you think.

>Can’t speak the language
Joke's on you, in European school we learn latin for 2-4 years. So I'd learn it rather quickly.
Also I was born in the province of Rome according to ancient borders, there was a Roman settlement in my city.
Classical latin is your safest bet and should be the closest thing to Roman speech.

thanks dude.
> do actual stuff that's not work, solo side projects, and solo shitposting. do this stuff with other people.
good call

I can moonwalk, that might buy me some time.

>This is what amerimutts actually believe

Ammurikkkan education ladies & gents.

dumb fuck, what is standardization of parts? you will achieve nothing

I know some really basic Latin.
Hail them. I'm kinda ripped so they wouldn't just sign me off as a peasant.
Then hand waving I guess? Try to get military employment due to sword fighting skills I have.
If that doesn't work out find clothes and then go to random farm and ask for work I guess?
I'm used to land work.
I bet living in the RE wouldn't be half bad.

>Joke's on you, in European school we learn latin for 2-4 years.

This is 50% true.
Not all schools learn latin.

In all seriousness, I'd probably start singing something in English. Something so different from what they're used to that I could pass as an eccentric foreign musician.

Once I'm in with the group, I learn the lyre and live out my days as a bard, singing English songs from the modern day.

it’d be fun to just teach old roman farmers to be cowboys

nostros vires variis

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Well if you could somehow find living conditions where you could not only have time to work on your own projects, and acquire resources to work on said projects ;
It would be glorious/hilarious to arm Roman farmers and take down the senate.

Lots of idiots who go to the gymnasium think everyone goes to the gymnasium. Phenomenon is here in the States too, "everyone gets a college degree nowadays." No, most people do not.

The scholars of the ancient world knew more about mathematics than 90% of us today. The chance of you knowing anything they don't is extremely unlikely, and would likely end up with you getting the Archimedes treatment.

Why would you want to take down the senate? If you were gonna be cowboys it would only make sense to bribe the senate to pay for your railroads.

Give them the Roman salute

Because you know how history goes with them alive.
Wouldn't it be fun to be the emperor or a new Roman empire. Managing break through in medicine, weaponry, geography and even having the mystic gift of foresight.

I speak Latin, Old English, Anglo-Saxon, Old Norse, Old Dutch and read Greek

Your turn