Properly Caring for your Pet Christmas Cake 101

As everyone knows, yesterday was Christmas Day.
It was also the official end of the christmas cake breeding season as the eggs in the wild have begun to hatch.
As such, you or somebody you know may have gotten a cake or a cakeling as a christmas present, and it's important to know how to take care of these kind and wonderful creatures.
Cakes can make for lifelong companions, so proper care and wellness is paramount, especially when raising a cakeling or during molting.

DIET
There is an incredibly large number of cake species in the wild, each with their own diet and feeding habits.
With a few exceptions cakes are generally omnivores and their diet should reflect this.
Chances are that you have a Common House Cake, identifiable by their brown or black hair and fair pinkish skin. Common house cakes are mesocarnivores, so meat should be a large portion of their diet. Cooked meats like steaks, burgers, and chickens are suitable; but their stomachs aren't able to process pork based foods well so they will get digestive issues. Vegetables should remain uncooked, as any plant material that isn't crunchy will seem rotten to them.
Despite how it may seem cake kibbles aren't nutritious enough to keep an adult cake truly healthy, so you're better off going with can-based cake foods like Chef Horton's Cake Feast or Mama Kassandra's Pepperoni-Salami Cake Meal.

The only non-omnivorous cakes that are legal to acquire in North America are the Blackfoot Cake, which is a purely predatory insectivore identified by it's black foot markings, the Polish Lake Cake, an amphibious cake with blue tinted skin that lives by filter feeding, the Albino Cave Cake, a blind fungivorous cake, the Australian Spined Cake, which lives off of venomous spiders, and the Nevada Desert Vulture Cake, which is a scavenger. A specialist should be consulted when owning these cakes as the foods needed to keep them properly fed aren't available in pet stores.

Cakelings require a far more fine tuned diet to allow the to properly grow; as in the wild most cakes will vomit into the mouths of their young much like a bird would to feed them to provide them with natural nutrients created in the mother cake's body. Jazzco brand cakeling kibbles are good for growing cakes until around 3-6 years of age, at which they should be weaned off of kibbles and onto diets more suited for adult cakes.

Under no circumstances should cakes be fed overly processed food like most children's cereals or a large number of candy and candy-like foods. Most artificial sweeteners and food colorings are toxic to cakes and ingesting these substances can result in illness and death.

ENVIROMENT
Cakes have evolved to thrive in hot environments; whether they be muggy bogs or arid deserts. As such, they are susceptible to cold environments and can go into hyperthermia during winter months if proper care is not taken.

For most cake owners the solution is simply cake clothes, which can be bought at nearly any pet store. If this isn't an option because there aren't any pet stores or cake outlets a reasonable distance to you or if your cake has a skin condition that prevents the comfortable wearing of cake clothes, then simply blankets or a large heater near your cake's bed will do.

If you already live in a hot environment and the winter season doesn't get cold enough to endanger your cake, there are still things to worry about. In particular, cake parasites. Cakes that live in cold environments don't get most parasites simply by the virtue of not being in an area where parasites that prey on cakes live.

Parasites that cakes are particularly vulnerable to are ticks, mange, intestinal worms, and the larvae of the Cake Botfly. Preventive measures and treatment for infections of these diseases are similar to those of other animals, and you can take your cake to any animal hospital for treatment.

Some of the most common areas for parasites to infest a cake are behind the ears, the armpit, the vagina bone area, the scalp, and the back of the neck, so pay special attention to those areas if you live in an area where parasitic infection is possible.

CAKE BEHAVIOR
Cakes are complex creatures both in their day-to-day life and on an annual basis. Satisfying their behavioral needs is just as important to keeping a cake happy as a proper diet is.

Cakes are highly playful creatures. Play fighting among cakelings is a common way to both pass the time and train them for fighting in the wild as adults, so simply allowing cakelings to interact with each other is enough to keep them mentally and physically stimulated.

Adult cakes are a little bit harder to manage in that respect. Most pet stores and cake outlets have specialized cake toys that they can play with, and they are intelligent enough to even find fun in solving simple puzzles. Certain species of cake can even be taught to preform simple math and take great joy in doing so.

Certain areas even have specialized TV programs just for entertaining cakes, which is immensely useful when you want to go out somewhere but can't take your cake with you in the car; simply put it on and your cake might not even notice that you've left until you're already back.

Cakes also enjoy being taken out on walks, but cakes find traditional leashes highly uncomfortable and can put them into a panic, as the neck is a highly vulnerable area to a cake and most cakes only allow their mates to touch their necks. Specialized belt-leashes are recommended for taking your cake out as it doesn't put undue stress on the cake.

Every 2 to 4 years a regional cake mating season will occur starting around october. When in mating season all cakes go into heat and will become more irritable and aggressive then usual. During this time it's important to stay patient and soft with your cake.

It's important to make a decision about whether or not you should you should neuter your cake before breeding season begins. When a male cake is neutered during breeding season they can go into a depressive episode and if a female cake is spayed during breeding season the heightened aggression can last for months after breeding season is over.

A solution some owners use is simply allowing their cake near other cakes and letting them act on their urges. This is not recommended, as not only can this result in the birth of cakelings without anybody to care for them but it can also cause the cakes that have mated to become anxious when they are separated.

Cakes also shed their skin around once a year, although the exact length between moltings depends on both the species of cake, their diet, and the individual cake. During this period cakes will become similarly irritable as they would be on mating season, causing many owners to erroneously believe that breeding season has come early that year.

The presence of flaking, itching patches of skin also makes new cake owners believe that their cake has contracted some kind of skin condition. When confused about whether or not your cake is shedding or has a skin condition, look at the pattern of the flaked skin. If the skin is coming off in a crisp hexagonal pattern then it's shedding. If the skin is coming off in red patches or the cake is bleeding, probably from scratching itself, then it's a skin condition.

Remember to remove most of your cake's clothing during this time, as it can make it very difficult for a cake to slide out of the old skin when molting day comes. Some species of cake eat their shed skin, so don't discourage your cake if they start to chow down.

CAKE BREEDING
The cake life cycle is simple; each and every cake starts off as an egg around the size of a watermelon, which hatches into a cakeling, which grows into a cake.

Female cakes usually lay eggs in clutches of around 7 to 9, after holding them for a 3 month term. The mother will usually construct a nest out of whatever flotsam they can find, and in the environment of your house said environment can include anything from pieces of paper to small chairs. Mother cakes are incredibly protective of their nests and whatever they've used to make it, so for the first few days after egg laying it's best to give the nest a wide berth until the cake's instincts calm down, lest you end up with a nasty bite.

The penis of a male cake is similar in shape to the hemipenis of a snake, and is usually tucked away within the body of the cake until needed. Thin muscles within the cake's hemipenis make it prehensile, allowing it to change size and shape slightly to fit into whatever form a female cake will find comfortable. The testicles of the male cake are hidden deep within the hip area, so don't bother trying to do a DIY neutering; only a professional can do the job right.

Most species of cake mate for life, including the common house cake. This is why it's important to stop your cake from breeding during breeding season, as the first cake a cake mates with will consider themselves "married". The stress on your cake that keeping them separated would cause is not only a strain on the cake's mental health but can actually cause a shortened lifespan.

Only certain species of cake can crossbreed; the rest are too genetically different to produce viable children.

COMMON CAKE BREEDS

Common House Cake: the most common species of cake in north America, and the most common in captivity worldwide.

Crimson Cake: one of the first species of cakes discovered, named for the bright red pigment present in their hair, nails, lips, and eyes.

German Forest Cake: a cake native to the European wilds, with a diet composed mostly of the leaves of trees supplemented by rodents; identified by green eyes and blond hair.

Sheepchaser: a cake that earned it's name in old Ireland, where shepherds would use them to herd sheep. characterized by dirty blond hair and a mop of thick curly wool at the nape of the neck.

Night Cake: a cake known for it's nocturnal tendencies that has evolved eyes similar to those of a cat, and can be recognized by dark purple markings under the eyes. The perfect species for night owls.

Eagle Cake: named for how the cake's white hair sticks together when agitated, resembling the feathers of a bald eagle.

Black Cake: an offshoot of the crimson cake, where a genetic mutation rendered the red pigment into a deep black one. nonexistent in the wild but has been made popular among cake owners.

Silver Cake: a cake native to the deserts of Mexico. The high iron content of this cakes diet gives them incredibly shiny skin and hair, which makes them prized for their luster.

CAKES HIGHLY REGULATED UNDER U.S. LAW

Uncommon House Cake: physically and genetically identical to the common house cake, just far less common.

Blueblushed Cake: a cake native to the beaches of Chile that has evolved blue copper based blood over time. Named for the blue blush that appears when they become flustered. Endangered.

Amazon Bullcake: largest species of cake, standing at 3.4 meters fully grown.

Pink-Stripe Cake: an amphibious cake native to Australian beaches that has become endangered in recent years as the coral reefs they feed upon have shrunk.

Ghost Cake: a cave dwelling cake famous for it's near-transparent flesh, through which it's organs can be seen.

Golden Cake: a cake native to China hunted to near extinction due to beliefs that the deeply lustrous golden pigment inside the cake's hair and eyes has miraculous medicinal properties. Less then 4,500 specimens are alive in the wild, the rest are in captivity.

African Dwarf Cake: the smallest species of cake, standing at 1 meter fully grown.

Beefcake: the first genetically modified breed of cake created for meat farming. Modified to have increased musculature, the increased testosterone renders these cakes more competitive and aggressive. The Bush Administration banned the creation and use of these cakes for farming in 2003, but escaped cakes bred in the wild and now herds of them are known to wander the plains of Illinois.

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER SPECIES
Cakes have an instinctual fear of dogs, as in a number of environments canines are a natural predator of cakes. Most are ambivalent around cats, but most cakes native to India and the Asian wilds are terrified of the toyger breed, having learned to fear the orange and black stripes of the tiger over the millennia.

A cake raised with dogs and cats will hold no such fears, so it's better to introduce a cake to another pet sooner rather then later. However, keep any dogs on a tight leash for the first few days until they have been acclimated to their new cake companion. A dog may be a pet but it is also an animal, and when presented with a prey animal like a cake or the even weaker and more vulnerable cakeling a canine just might try to go in for the kill.

While it may seem trivial, keeping people informed about proper cake caretaking is incredibly important. Every year hundreds of thousands of cakes have their lifespans halved from improper care, and 10% of all cakes in America are alleycakes without a home.

May you (and your cakes) have a happy new year!

tl;dr
I just want to impregnate them

beastiality is only legal in 6 states, user. be careful.

I have a feeling that Lobotomy-kun wrote this.

literally who

>tfw my cake passed away last night
hold me bros

you're the exact kind of person who shouldn't be taking care of a cake

You went full autist with the wall of text. All you had to do was leave the OP as it was and it would've been fine

1. Too much text, OP. You're gonna need to streamline this.

2. Crtl+f reveals
>Alcohol = 0 results
>beer = 0 results
>wine = 0 result
>sochu = 0 results
I mean, what the fuck, it's like you don't know Christmas Cakes.

It's an urban legend that wild cakes ferment their own alcohol, user
giving your cakes alcohol just puts them at risk for addiction and liver problems

A cake without her alcohol will NOT get along with you

Not entirely true, actually. Most species of cake from mountainous Asian areas brew their own alcohol with wild fruits.
The urban legend is that *all* cakes like alcohol, whereas for some species it's toxic while fr others it's required for survival.

but what kinds of diseases can wild cakes spread
t. a man who was just bit by one

autism

>ywn be held down by a beefcake as she has her way with you

>this level of autism

This this this, OP you're retarded.

Sexy diseases

like leprosy