Xbox E3 thread

Let's predict what'll happen at Microsoft's E3 show.

Dead Rising 4

[At the Xbox headquarters]

They've been showing nothing but games 2 years in a row, I'll assume this year is also games.

Phil Spencer: [looking at his Microsoft Band while Xbox is mopping the floor] Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. I'm done with my shift, Mr. Nadella!

Phil Spencer: And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of the Xbox division,

Phil Spencer: and I will never have to live in the shadow of Windows or PlayStation again! [crowd of Nazis saluting Phil and saying "SIEG HEIL!"]

Satya Nadella: Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Phil.

Phil Spencer: O-okay.

Where did everyone go?

Anyways, I'm guessing they're going to show us a new, more powerful Xbox.

[Phil walks out of the Xbox studio building]

By the way, what's the archive site for Sup Forums?

Kaz Hirai: [talking to a group of Sonyggers] So, I just took my private yacht across my private lake to my private heliport made from the profits of the PS4. It's the only way I can play on my private PlayStation.

Phil Spencer: [gasps] Oh, shrimp! It's my arch rival, Kazuo Hirai! I can't let him see me like this!

This isn't funny

Kaz: On your lunch break, eh, Philly?

Phil: Yes... I mean no... I mean... uhh, uhh... Hey, whatcha been up to?

Kaz: Oh, just succeeding in everything you've failed in.

Phil: You are no great shakes, Kaz Hirai! Anyone can be a big shot in an industry like the gaming industry.

More pricing errors and fuckups.
Thanks for the 10$!

Kaz: Oh, is that so? Let's hear how many units the Xbone has sold since last year, Philly.

Shut the fuck up i wanna see where this goes

Dont shit up the thread

Phil: [thinking to himself] Don't be intimidated, Phil. Try to imagine him in his underwear.

Phil: [imagines Kaz as a hot underwear model] Oh, no, he's hot!

Phil: I, uhhh, the Xbox has over 45 million Xbox Live users....

Kaz: Hold it, don't tell me, you stopped reporting on sales entirely because nobody buys your consoles anymore! [laughs. Sonyggers laughs with him]

It's just going to be a lel sony sucks nintendo wins just like this shit was last year

Phil: [thinking to himself] Don't lie. Lying always makes it worse. [to Kaz] We're going to announce a 4K capable, 6 Teraflop console!

Kaz: [as crowd gasps] Phil, I had no idea you had such a powerful console in wraps.

Phil: That's right.

Scalebound. Most likely will reveal locations and characters on the game plus a Scorpio version and release date

How many people are lurking this thread? I wanted to make this threader sooner, but last time the stupid mods deleted the thread early in its life.

==============

Kaz: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your E3 press show tomorrow morning.

[Sound of glass breaking. Phil's face shrivels up]
Phil: T-t-t-t-t-t-tomorrow morning?

Kaz: In fact, we'll all come. My treat! [Sonyggers cheer.]

[Inside Microsoft headquarters in Satya Nadella's office]

Phil: Please, Satya, you got to help me! When they get here tomorrow, they're going to see the Xbox One is just a big failure and me as a loser.

Satya: Oh, boo-hoo! Let me force you to update your computer Windows 10 without your consent.

Here now go on please

Phil: Mr. Nutella! Please lend me millions of dollars for just one show! I really need to impress Kaz.

Satya: Kah, kah, Kazuo Hirai!? That guy whose company sold 20 million more consoles than the Xbox, selling faster than you wish you could do?

Phil: Don't rub it in.

Satya: Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners.

[The morning before the Microsoft E3 press show, as Phil prepares the show]

Phil: Alright, listen up. Men, Kaz Hirai will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Xbox into the best gaming console ever as soon as possible.

[Major Nelson appears next to Xbox wearing a military helmet]

Phil: Major Nelson, what are you doing here?

Major Nelson: I thought the UNSC would help me straighten out my life, sir!

Phil: The UNSC? What the... Larry, this isn't Hal... oh! [sighs] Beggars can't be choosers. Can you do interviews and guide the press in a dignified and sophisticated manner?

Major Nelson: You mean like a shill? Okay!

Phil: You've got the job. [walks off to Satya Nutella] Satya, didn't you once led major projects at Microsoft?

Satya: Aye-aye!

Phil: Then you'll take care of managing the software!

I'm here

Xbox: What can I do?

Phil: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Xbox One, you're going to have to be our main event!

Xbox: What's that?

Phil: It's the biggest surprise at a show, the thing that everyone will leave and talk about.

Xbox: Do other companies do that?

Phil: Yes, they do that! Now listen, Kaz is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a good console, so read this. [hands Xbox a book]

Xbox: "How To Become a Competent Console in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don't worry Phil, I'll memorize every page, right down to the punctuation marks!

[Phil grins while clasping his hands in a merchant-like manner]

Phil: Alright, I've got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off!

Major Nelson: Give me that mic! [shaking YouTube press dummy doll trying to grab the microphone] I said give it to me! Are you going to hand it over or not? Don't you back-sass me! [jumps on it and starts punching it]

Lurking

I need you guys to bump this thread too.

Phil: He's just the program director guy, nothing essential! [an explosion behind is heard.]

Phile: What happened? What is it?

Satya: Windows 10!

Phil: [gasps] HOLY FISH PASTE, WHAT IS THAT!?

[Phil Spencer notices a giant poop pile, with flies and other things sticking out of it]

Appetizer bump

Satya: I call it the anniversary "Poo" edition!

Phil: But I thought you said you were the head manager of software once?

Satya: Did I say that? No, I was the head manager of designating poo in Microsoft.

More about their even worse then VR gimmick.

I was the software designer to the unity engine

[Phil Spencer walks out of the room and checks on Xbox]

Phil: There you are! Xbox, you gotta help me! Major Nelson and Satya aren't working out, and Kaz's almost here, and, and... Xbox?

[Phil turns over the Xbox One, noticing that it has several System errors and a red ring of death.]

Xbox: I can't do it. I can't do it, Phil.

Phil: What?

It's ok Xbox. Let's just bring down the resolution a little more. (Resolution lowers). Little more. (Resolution lowers)

Halo 5 PC
New Gears footage
New Forza
Timed exclusivity deal for something
Scalebound gameplay
Tease for big new halo 5 dlc that'll be out when the PC version is - one I'm most hesitant on
Halo wars 2 promotion
Some new casual approaching game
Halo 6 tease

Xbox: Every sentence, every paragraph... [slams the book on its face between each word] Graphics! Framerate! Resolution! Teraflops! Don't you understand?! [smoke starts coming out of Xbox's vents] My CPU is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single thing, I think I'm gonna EXPLODE! [explodes]

Phil: Xbox, hold on! Let's just take a second here to relax. Now, I want you to defrag your hard drive.

Xbox: Defrag my hard drive?

Phil: Defrag your hard drive.

Xbox: Defrag my hard drive...

Phil: Defrag your hard drive of everything that doesn't have to do with powerful hardware. Powerful hardware and working.

Lurking

[Inside Xbox's CPU]

Small Xbox: Just got an order from the boss: Dump everything that isn't about powerful hardware!

Underpaid Pajeets: Everything?

Smaller Xbox: Everything!

[The underpaid Pajeets scower to erase everything from Xbox One's functions]

This is so fucking bad holy shit.

How goddamn autistic are you?

Smaller Xbox: Hurry up, Pajeet! What do you think I'm paying you for?

Pajeet: Fuck you motharfuckar India will be superpower by two-towzahnd twenty! We will be ahead of eweryone and be #1

Don't care about the shitposters OP, it's kind of entertaining

Smaller Xbox: One more crack like that and you're out of here!

Pajeet: No, please! I have 13 kids!

>It's kind of entertaining
That's worse to me than the shitposters, honestly.

[Pajeets continue their mass purging]

bumping

[Xbox One encounters an error]

Phil: How do you feel? Xbox? [snaps his fingers to wake up Xbox]

fireden

Phil: This isn't working! I gotta go tell Kaz I need more time!

Phil: [running out of the Microsoft E3 stage] I'll just go to Sony's headquarters and...

HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

Phil: [Stops as soon as he encounters Kaz and gang] Kaz, you're here!!?

Kaz: Hello, Philly! [Phil Spencer steps back] We're all ready to be dazzled by your new console.

Phil: Wait, Kaz, I've got to explain!

Kaz: Explain what? That you, Phil Spencer, couldn't save the sinking ship of the Xbox One,

[Kaz Hirai walks in Microsoft's E3 show booth]

Kaz: or tried to pass off a lousy Xbone as a 6 teraflop [gulps] console?

...

Kaz: Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina [Phil Spencer joins in Kaz's Homminas]

Xbox: Seats for hommina? I can direct you to your seats immediately! [picks up the group of crying Sonyggers with one hand]

>ITT

Phil: How did you do all of this?

Xbox: It was easy, once I defragged my hard drive.

Phil: But what about Larry or Satya?

Xbox: Taken care of!

Xbox: Good evening, sir. From our show today, might I recommend buying our new Xbox hardware? We take the finest OS, built into our Xbox, powered by the latest, bleeding edge AMD processors, further enhanced thanks to our Direct X12 APIs, fully compatible to be VR ready via Occulus and AR ready, with the best online servers in the entire industry, all played from our well crafted Xbox Elite controller.

[Kaz Hirai amazed by the show]

Kaz: ....this is fantastic!

Xbox: [salutes with all the hands that helped] Thank you, sir.

Goddamn I love you OP.

Is that one guy making all those spongebob e3 edits?

Phil: Pinch me, I must be dreaming.

I only made this one and the one from last year using the Band Geeks episode.

[Xbox pinches Phil Spencer]

Phil: OWWWWW!

Xbox: If you need anything else, just call Cortana.

Phil: Xbox, I can't thank you enough for all you're doing!

Xbox: Being a powerful machine and working are all I know how to do. [runs off back to the show]

This is so fucking horrible.

Phil: It worked! I can't believe it! Kaz thinks we have the best console. Time to rub it in his face!

ok we get it you dont like it, you don't have to keep posting it

haha, good going OP, quality post :^)

Phil: Well, Kaz. I'm waiting.

Kaz: [his eyes tear up] Alright, I admit it. Everything is fabulous. The console, the graphics! Everything's flawless!

Summer is truly here.

Phil: In that case, I need you to read this. [hands Kaz Hirai a card]

Kaz: Uhhh, "The Xbox..."

Phil: [puts a foam finger on his left hand] And I need you to wear this

Kaz: Oh, eh, "The Xbox is the best..."

Phil: [puts a microphone in front of Kaz] I'm sorry, one more time.

Kaz: "The Xbox is the greatest gaming console ever made. And it does not look like a VCR."

[Sonyggers all cry while uttering "d-DELETE THIS!!!"]

Can't wait for this to be posted on /r/Sup Forums!!

Keep going OP! :)

This entire thread is cringe

Kaz: Phil, I must tell you. What really won me over with your E3 show was your brilliant console. It's as if all it knows is how to be powerful.... and to work. I must know your exclusives.

[record scratch]

Xbox: My exclusives?

Kaz: Yes, your exclusives, son.

Xbox: Uhh... DirectX 12?

Kaz: [softly chuckles] No, your exclusives.
Xbox: Uhh... err... Netflix?

Phil: Stop joking. Tell him your exclusives.

Xbox: My exclusives??

[Zooming into Xbox's CPU]

Pajeet #1: [Checking file explorer] Where's the exclusives? Where's the exclusives? I've got nothing!

Pajeet #2: [pressing a key on a keyboard] Come on, baby, what're the exclusives!!?! [computer catches on fire]

Pajeet #3: WE THREW OUT ALL THE EXCLUSIVES! [Other Pajeets begin to run around while more papers are flying. Xbox's CPU then breaks in half.]

Why do people keep using Kaz in their memes? Kaz hasn't been involved with E3 for years now.

Sup Forums is full of underage shitters, what do you expect? Most of them think spongebob is the best tv show ever made.

[Xbox begins to have an error and goes wild, causing a ruckus and disturbing all the E3 audience members]

Phil: No! Nooo!

Satya: Run for your lives, everyone! It's Windows 10's forced updates!

[Windows 10 bursts through the door and roars. Everyone screams and panics]

[Microsoft's E3 press show is ruined, Phil Spencer's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off]

Kaz: Well, Philly, I'm waiting.

Phil: [his eyes tear up] Okay, I admit it, I'm a fraud! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. We don't have anything to go against the PS4 Neo. The new Xbox is just a slim with the same crappy specs!

Congratulations, this was fucking awful