Jimmy's story

Sit down, Sup Forums, grab some tea, make yourself comfortable and let me tell you the story... of Jimmy and his best friend Timmy.

Our story starts on December 25th 2015. Jimmy is 13 now, a real adult, he thinks in his mind. For christmas, he asked Mom and Dad to buy him a PS4 so he can play some sweet games with his friend Timmy. His old PS3 just isn't doing anymore, the new CoDs stop releasing there and that makes him very sad, since all his friends are playing and he's left out.

It is worth noting that Jimmy became a regular poster on the Video Games board Sup Forums on Sup Forums. He loves it there, the memes are on point, he thinks, and he loves defending his console while delivering justice on the "Nintendiappers ahah gotem".

Jimmy considers himself a mature gamer. Therefore, he's never tried Mario or ''shit-shio'' as he calls it, and neither has he tried Zelda (Zeldshit). On October 20th, when the Switch(Shitch) got announced, Jimmy and Timmy got kind of... surprised... to say the least. They didn't expect the concept to actually be good. They still forced themselves into uncomfortable laughter saying things like: ''Ahah but they've never seen TLoU's sweet graphics ahah...'' and ''Lol they can only wish for games as good as Days Gone... ahah''.

And so it is that on December 25th, Jimmy wakes up and goes to jump on his parent's beds. ''Mom, dad, wake up! I think Santa's come to give us gifts!''
Dad and Mom get out of their beds and follow Jimmy into the living room, where, like all good white families, a good amount of gifts lie under the tree.

Jimmy starts unwrapping his gifts and is disappointed to find socks, pajama pants and Subway gift cards. Grandma also got him Skylanders for PS3. He's disappointed but at least he's happy he got Skylanders. Could be cool, he thinks. He's not going to post about it on Sup Forums though, even though he would like to, since he spends half his waking moments there, posting on his phone.

Dad tells him he has one last gift. Jimmy turns his head around so suddenly he almost gets a torticollis from it. Dad goes to the pantry, then get out a box... just the size of a Playstation 4™ System. Jimmy almost pisses himself. He stands up, rips the box from dad's hands and starts unwrapping the box. He screams when he sees Sony's brand on the box, his little mind going a hundred miles per hour. He stands up, kisses dad on the mouth, which is very awkward but he doesn't notice because he's too far gone into craziness. He screams like a woman because his vocal chords aren't fully developed yet and charges up the stairs to plug in his sweet new machine. It came with Uncharted 4, Jimmy's number one game of all time. Uncharted 1 was his first game ever, after all, he played it in kindergarten.

He plays Uncharted 4 for 3 hours straight. He loves every moment of it, savoring the sweet graphics and the subtle sound the machine makes as it runs the game. In actuality, the machine is doing approximately the same sound as a jet engine as it's about to take off. But after these 3 hours, Jimmy's done with the game. He finished it.

...

And so it is that 2 months later, and having played CoD with Timmy in the meantime, Jimmy and Timmy find themselves with no more games to play.
''I can't wait for God of War, Timmy it's going to be so sweet, the game has SUCH amazing graphics and QTE cutscenes! You don't necessarily need to be a pro to pass the first level like that game Bloodborne!''
''Yeah man, have you seen Crash? It's going to BTFO Shit-shio ecksdee''. Timmy says, pronouncing ''XD'' literally.
Timmy stops talking and looks at Jimmy.
''Jim... have you heard about the new Zeld-''
He gets hit in the face by Jimmy, who reacted very strongly to the syllable ''Zeld''.
Timmy's nose is bleeding. He starts crying and leaves Jimmy alone for the time being. Jimmy is fulminating, he can't believe what Tim just said.
''I will never let... a Shitendo game... be good...''

March 3rd rolls around, and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild releases. It is met with critical acclaim and people are saying it is one of the greatest games ever made. Jimmy refuses to believe it, he just got this sweet new game a week ago, Horizon: Zero Dawn, and that game has sweet graphics.
But somehow, even though Jimmy likes the game, he feels weirdly about it. Something's missing, something is wrong. Could it be missing a soul, perhaps? But Jimmy refuses to admit that to himself. EH! It's so much better than Zeldshit! Zeldshit has PS2 graphics, a retro console from the days where everything was black and white, Jimmy thinks.

Still, he finds himself kind of bored and decides to go see his friend Tim to say sorry. He meets Tim's mom at the door, who lets him in, and Jimmy heads towards Timmy's room. He knocks and waits for his friend to open. No answer. He can hear the sound of a video game being played in there. He knocks again. ''Timmy, it's me, Jim!''
''Jim? D-Don't come in, man!''
Jimmy gets panicked and opens the door. He's not prepared for what's in front of his eyes.
Timmy is playing the Shitch, and he has Zeldshit for it. Jimmy starts screaming like a maniac and runs out of the house. He screams, he screams and he heads towards the park. There, on the street, he crosses four jacked 20 year olds playing their Shitchs, laughing and commenting on how inferior the PS4 is since it has no portability.
''NO! NO! HORIZON IS BETTER, YOU FOOLS! IT HAS A STRONG FEMALE PROTAGONIST!''
Finally, Jimmy gets to the park. He trips on a root and lies there on the ground, his consciousness fading. The last thing he sees before passing out is a guy with his dog. He's sitting at the pic-nic table and he's playing the Shitch. On his face, Jimmy can read happiness before he surrenders to the darkness.

--M---IM!---M!--

''JIM, WAKE UP!''
It's mom, she's sitting by his side on the ambulance bench. He passed out in the park, he remembers. They probably think he has diabetes or something. Jim turns his head towards mom. Tears are veiling his eyes. ''I don't have diabetes, mom''
''We know, Jim, Timmy's mom called us and told us the whole story.''
''Mom... do you think I... could get a Switch?'' This is the first time he calls the console by its real name.
''Jim... your dad and I don't have enough money to get you that console, we already got you a PS4.''
Jimmy looks at the roof of the ambulance and lets out a scream to pierce the devil's eardrums. Seeing red, he stops screaming and looks at his mom. She's actually surprised at the evil intent in her son's eyes. He usher's these words:
''Mark my words, mother. If I can't have fun... NO ONE WILL!''

Jimmy stops going to school. He spends his day on Sup Forums. One moment he's posting a thread about Zeldshit running at 30fps, the other posting a thread about the dock scratching the screen. He's so far gone that he's started creating multiple thread per day where he pretends that he's played Zelda and finds it simply boring. Obviously though, he hasn't.

He has nightmares, in which he's screaming ''Sony always wins baby'' in vain as Reggie's giant fuck stomps him. Sometimes he has the sweetest dreams, where he plays the Switch with his friend Tim at the park. They're both laughing and getting along.
But when he wakes up, all he sees is the dust on the PS4. Might as well play this month's indie game, he thinks, trying to salvage the little bit of sanity he has left.
He's become fat, smelly and mostly lunatic. He creates threads by the minute, using VPN's to create different ones without having a cooldown and to not get banned. ''Nintenbros should get banned what are you, kidding me?! The only mature people on this board are the Sonybros!''

why the fuck am I reading this, why the fuck was this written?

E3 comes by, and Shitshio's game looks terrible, Jimmy thinks. Who would want to play as that? He starts creating hundreds of threads to support his grand crusade. All of them saying one thing: BING BING WAHOO.

When Mario releases to critical acclaim, Jimmy nearly faints. When Breath of the Wild wins game of the year, it's nearly the final straw. When PSX is pure diarrhea, he's done. He looks at a picture of Tim one last time as he gets Dad's gun from the basement. He sits down on the futon down there and tears roll down his eyes as he puts the barrel of the gun in his mouth. He thinks of Horizon one last time, thinks about how he'll never experience God of War's sweet graphics and he pulls the trigger.

Now, I know it's a sad story. It ends in an horrible way, but think of Jimmy's house as if it was Google Maps. Let's make Jimmy a blue arrow on Maps, for example. Zoom out with me, on his neighborhood. See all the blue arrows, the Jimmies of this particular stop. Zoom out more, on the city, see all these blue arrows, our beloved shitposters. All 13 or less, no PC, no other console. Zoom out, see the United States, see the earth. See all the Jimmies.

Put yourself in their shoes. They can't get the Switch, don't you get it? If they can't get it, therefore it sucks, and so does every other console.
Now you understand. Now you can empathize with the shitposters.

>the end

It's just an assmad nintendie off his autism meds

hello, Jimmy

Why is this shitpost so well written

Switch autism is pretty strong, its why we get unpaid ads here constantly.

That's the most amusing part of it. Just leaves you with more questions.

>Now you can empathize with the shitposters
No, I cannot empathize with 13 year olds shitting up this board when I just want to talk about video games.

6

Shoulda used something other than Zelda honestly, its fucking boring and most of the people that praise it, love it for its gimmick shit and physics that were done in 2004; a kid would never really appreciate because its not even fun for an adult.

This is too good for a shitpost

Having taken several creative writing classes, I can attest that the best material is written by absolute autismos.

t. Jimmy

It really is

t. someone that has both a Wii U and Switch, and thinks Zelda is overhyped garbage that put me to sleep. The Witcher would be a much better game to compare it to, because its much better.

Horizon sucks, but this user's right tho

Jesus christ shitch fanboys have a serious inferiority complex.

That was actually a waste of time. I'm sorry, Narrator.

Jimmy Timmy Power Hour has really gone downhill

...

>Unironically calling it Shitch
13yo

Surprisingly well-written for a shitpost.

Me neither, I just skipped being 13. Fucking gay age anyway.

I was waiting for the final DLC for Zelda to come out before I went into it again, and honestly it's a little too aimless for me. Getting moons in Mario can be a bit of a checklist for some of them, but I can still a fun time. The novelty of exploring a huge space wears off pretty soon once you realize huge swathes of land are pretty empty and you're just left setting your horse on auto run.

Next level shitposting op, good job

>t. mad shitch user

nice story op, had a good laugh. Jimmy deserved to die for being a sony poni

NOOOOOO DELET THIS THEY KNOW OUR SECRET

Hahaha yeah, anyone that dislikes the Switch should be executed. Nintendo is god hahahaha.

Great callback from the gnomes and burning crusade.

10/10

>fag was so much butthurt about that one webm so he wrote that shit for much more hours or minutes than that webm was made
Lmao, you just can't win

So is all of Sup Forums Jimmy?

>Well-written
>Roof of an ambulance
>Devil is known for having strong eardrums
>Evil intent yet does nothing but shit post
>Reggie's giant fuck
It wax probably cranked out in an hour by some "ironic" shit poster.

>defending the shitty dungeons in zelda

Can someone kill switchfags so we can inspect theit brain?
Is absolute facinating to say at least.

Congrats OP

tldr is it just a nintenbaby being butthurt that mario was easy and zelda was just farcry

O B E S S E D

>well-written
Let's not get carried away, shall we?

I'll buy you a Switch, Jim. Don't worry. You can be happy again.

I've seen worse in college, it's good enough.

>Reggie's giant fuck
Kek, nice typo

It got worse around the end but overall okay. I give it a 6/10 or maybe a C+. Don't quit your day job.

who keeps making these? FUCK

Fitting end for a filthy Sonybro

Get off the chong, Jimmy.

Remember Sup Forums don't be a soynger Jimmy be fun loving Timmy.

Gee Jimmy, you don't gotta lie. I understand your circumstances now.

Where is mah Timmy bros? We will never surrender against the shitposting of Jimmys.

put me in the reddit screenshot.

Haha nintodlers BTFO!

Nintenbros still can't recover from the PS1-PS2 ass raping days.

That's 20 years of denial, butthurt and autism.

Are you fucking autistic? Both consoles are good. If you spend more than 10 minuts writimg this you should go to therapy

I know man. Me and my gf constantly laugh at people that don't get a switch. I can understand little children that can't afford more than one system, I was like them once, but when you have enough money there's no excuse to not get a fucking switch. Unless you dislike fun and think that being faithful to one single brand is worth shit.

Hi Jimmy :^)

Stop using the VPN Jimmy, mommy is getting angry

stop it Jimmy, time to do homework

It's Jimmy!

Come on Jimmy, what do you even know about those days? you weren't even born ahahahahah

Stop trying to turn this into a meme, your autism is sad.
t. Switch owner.

Shitposting non-idort poorfags are the saddest thing on Sup Forums.

Are you ok?

1/10 story, no one gets fucked by a dog

>an horrible
I hate British people.

I personally cannot wait for Narrator's biography

British fits him well, like a well spoken british man that reads e-books for audible

I liked it, please OP keep writting, i love you sonybros, nintenbros, we all can be friends as the gamers we are... because we are gamers, right?

I will just reply to this before everyone gets mads at this
Let's enjoy this short wonder, a glimpse of hope in a never ending war

As long as Sonybros exist my friend, peace cannot reign. But I agree we should send them Switches and PCs to stop their suffering

Severe, severe autism

Why does everything need to be about autism. What if OP just wrote this at work to have fun

If you see a console warrior, please tell him that you love him, that will make his day more happy and maybe he's gonna say "ae dayum user, i gat dis but dat is gawd too". The world would be a better place to live

>Sup Forums
>at work

>never really get the console wars as a kid, was always an idort
>grow beyond console wars when I become an adult
>still surprised to see Sony and Nintendo fags duking it out on the boards

Am I wrong for just assuming everyone is shitposting?

...

SEETHING

IM NOT FUCKING SEETHING YOU NINTENCHILD SHUT THE FUCK UP

You have a knack for creative writing op. It wasn't awkward to read and kept me generally interested.

7/10 not bad

can't fuck you in the ass
can't get your tongue in my ass
can't cry on your shoulder after sex

major disadvantages to autism

Seething even more

What if im the normal one and everyone else have autism and you think i have autism because im different? Bitch

this is the evolution this shitposting war needs, much better than endless WHIRRRRR repeats every day
do more OP
t. sonybro

Agreed. I want to see this be the new standard for shitposts

Hello there dear readers. We are glad you enjoyed this chapter of the Shitpostintg Wars.

Stay tuned in the next few days for the story of Jimmy's idort friend, Timmy.

wahoo

You console children are all the same. The same as steam kids.

upload the stories on some blog or something.