v works at Umbrella Inc

Wishing all our T-Virus researchers a safe Christmas party, but remember to put the medals back in the books if you're the last to leave.

We don't want a repeat of last years 'Pin the tail on the BOW'

Thanks
-Management

Also whoever keeps leaving ammunition all over the place needs to stop, where is it all coming from?

Could someone tell Jon that an Ada rang for him? It was difficut to make out as she sounded different depending on department

I know some of you like horticulture and so on. But please stop bringing herbal plants onto the facility grounds. You're bringing in ants.

Just a thought but why are we shipping all these T-Virus samples to Antarctica, Rockfort, Africa etc in very thin beakers wrapped in tin foil?

Hey guys how funny do you think it'd be if I just released some of the T-Virus on the 3rd floor?

Security here. We're pulling a prank on third shift, once they find all the ammo they get to recount inventory. Really, though? Fuck those guys, they haven't removed that live shotgun hanging on the wall, on the second floor.

By the way, what's with the ugly chicks in that crocodile swamp? Why not infecting Norway or some place like that?

My buddy Frank picked up a shotgun and was nearly crushed by a ceiling - what are you doing about this?

Budget cuts. Apparently someone's been ordering a lot of custom-made sunglasses and now our finances are in gutter.

Nigga last time someone removed it we had to mop his guts on ceiling

Jerry from West Area here - Do we have an HR department as my bunk mate is creeping me out when he wears shades indoors 24/7

Can you all please stop leaving important case notes lying all over the facility, these projects are supposed to be confidential.

That was me, I need to remember 3 codes and solve a chess puzzle to use the bathroom ffs

The lead on third shift is fixing this, we've already put in a work order about that ceiling and the faulty trigger, you need to talk to maintenance about that. Frank almost ending up like that first guy put us in some hot water, just relax guys.

What do confidential case notes have to do with the bathroom?

And is it you that's been pissing on the now mutated plants? They're starting to get antsy when people are around.

What I do with the plants when I'm caught short is my business. If you want someone to blame go speak to Animal Control and their missing dog food

Has anyone seen a large, NE-3 Alpha parasite in a jar? I thought I left it in the culture room.

Also where are all these fucking leeches coming from

whens the next shipment of typewriters coming in?

Jerry, remember when we had to talk to you about sexual harassment in the work place? And you joked: better to touch the dead than mess a live one up in the head? That was us, Human Resources. You're talking about Wesker aren't you? He's cool, just talk to him, makes an excellent wing man at the bar. Girls think he's Jorah Mormont from game of thrones, gets us mad pussy lol delete this email or your fired

Guys, I have an excellent idea. We release the T-Virus at the cristmas party, watch what it does and take notes. Then we'll contain it.

Security here. Our next scheduled shipment of equipment comes in next Wednesday but this invoice has a weird note attached to it. It says if you're not in R&D then don't worry about it. I think it has your name on it.

Merry T-Mas fuckers.

I know you guys are having fun but I get the feeling that a lot of Umbrella researchers couldn't tell you what day of the week it is, nevermind the date

My friend in shipping told me some crates shake and vibrate, with one even leaking fluid - I thought we just shipped drugs?

Umbrella workers are incompetent as fuck.

They get off on being overly evil. Telling you their grand plan before you naturally bamboozle them, escape and fuck em up.

Well for your information it's 1998 and things are going swimmingly with Birkin and his research

Will whoever hung this Veltro flag on the water tower please come and remove it before we’re raided again.

Look, I realize that I'm new here, but is it really necessary to have so many doors that open via crank? Can we at least have more than one crank on site so we can have more than one door open at once?

In Umbrella, if you are not producing results as a researcher, you will as a test subject. Though now I wonder how much of their budget goes on porn?

ok,who recorded a mo-disk about Santa BOWS?

...

Shuttles to the Queen Zenobia Christmas cruise will be leaving in appx one hour from the carpool lot. Remember to double check your pockets for vials of chemicals before boarding.

I have to carry a valve handle, two keycards and several chess pieces and commute through a literal sewer to my desk each day without space for my lunch... I would kill for a crank handle some days

I'm sure it'll be the same as every other T-virus infected holiday event.

Everyone will be infected because it's hard to unlock the doors by playing Moonlight Sonata whilst Alan from accounting chews your fingers off and the cleaning crew will be mobilized to 'contain' the outbreak, at extremely heavy losses because for some reason our private military unit has extreme trouble shooting slow moving targets.

Also can someone teach security a new song, it's getting old hearing it every day.

When you've been here long enough and realize what you're working with you'll come to understand just how important only having one door open at a time is.

My men have to check those crates and packages every time they come in, sometimes it's a specimen from a different facility or a broken vial leaking god knows what. Sometimes, though, it's adult toys and lube. We send it all to decontamination though, let them sort it out.

I'm going to raise concerns at our next company meeting about the PMC's

I caught one shooting crows on a balcony with a grenade launcher last Friday

Guy, Guys....

What if....

Wait for it.... we put his heart right, you following?

On the OUTSIDE

Okay, who exactly is the potential customer for the shark BOW? What is it gonna do, fill some drug kingpin's moat?

You're beginning to sound like Birkin with his GIANT EYES idea.

Sea World oddly enough, don't ask, we don't know why either.

Fuck you, it's a good song. And for your information, it's hard to shoot targets when all they hire are mall cops for a R&D facility. It's not like your crazy animals will ever escape.

Join Security, we need the manpower and you get easy access to the entire place.

It’s rad as fuck, you can’t deny that

The only instrucyions I was given consisted of a hastily written note which read

"Like a Gorilla with big claws, oh but naked and with big sharp teeth grrr"

What are the board smoking?

Can anyone shed light on as to why security is haphazardly displacing ammunition all over the place? Why is there incendiary rounds in the washroom?

Maybe I'm overstepping my bounds, but maybe we should focus more resources on first aid spray manufacture and less on biological weapons? It seems like a spray can that heals all wounds has a larger market than killer frog men.

One of the board members dipped his cigar in a batch of T-virus I was working on because it made it "reeeeal smoooth" so there's that.

Congratulations *EMPLOYEE NAME*

For your continued outstanding work you have been promoted to *TEST SUBJECT*

Please follow security as they take you to your exciting new post.

Regards,
Management

Yes it heals all wounds but it also increases your chance of getting cancer by 1000%, Killer Frog Men are much less of a PR nightmare if they become public.

Fuck you, Frank. I already answered your buddy. Ignore the ammo and stop going in that room.

That's hilarious, Mike! My ex wife works R&D on the 3rd floor. She's gonna be so pissed!

Pretty sure the cut I applied the spray to is growing teeth, what are we putting in this stuff?

lol thats our new mouthwash you goof.

Why don't we make these guys again? Nothing really went wrong with them

Yeah, I received an email from management to take you into the live area testing, I've sent men to escort you. I Cc'd all parties involved in this email for legal purposes.

-Security, shift supervisor

So I was sweeping the main hall the other day and I swear I heard chains rattling and what sounded like moaning coming from those bars under the stairs. The boss told me not to worry about it but I don't know guys.

Shit, I swear I'll find out who has been switching the labels on this stuff one day. Thought it was weird that our benefits only covered "oral dental surgery" like there was any other kind.

Oh God. I bet that was Lisa sucking off someone new in Security. Man, she's a slut!

Send more janitorial staff to check it out.

All I know is if you stick your dick in the emblem hole that "moaning chains thing" gives a damn good BJ, wonder what it is?

I can’t hear shit over moonlight sonata. Who’s in charge of our bar anyway?

Can we please refrain from sticking our dicks in test subjects? It's bad enough with that Alexia walking around naked

Which one of you assholes attached my key to the guard dog's collar? Real funny dickhead, now go get it back before we're both reassigned to Antarctica.

Look, the forecasts given to us by the accountants were, as I quote from the e-mail, "Complete. Global. Saturation" and we have to make do with what budget we have for packaging never mind the amount of employees out of Racoon City calling in sick and not coming back. We're understaffed, over budget and the company is still making us clock in with an antique typewriter. How does this company even operate?

I dunno man, that guy creeps me out. I caught a glimpse of him yesterday ogling a picture of some teenage girl in a basketball outfit.

Guys I accidentally dropped a vial.
Fuck I hope it wasn't an important one, I don't want to get fired on my first day on the job.

Oh no guys this dude dropped ONE whole vial, better report him to management.

We smash up entire shipments, daily, it's no biggie.

One fucking time that happened. Once! You can't let shit go, can you? Lisa's seen more action than you ever will from that Jill cop you're always talking about seeing down at the coffee shop.

I've met Wesker before, he really is a cool guy, I'm sure that's just his sister winning an award or something.

Anyone wanna bet me $5 I can down a yard of G-Virus, I want to beat Ted in marketings high score

What the fuck is wrong with that Hunk guy? I get that he's ripped but you don't see me calling myself skinnyfat.

She might look young but we've picked her up from her job a few times. She's a cop. She might seem shy until that tequila kicks in.

Jill is my girlfriend, okay? She...just doesn't know it yet.

It's okay, big guy. I said the same thing about Lisa when I first laid eyes on her. You'll get her buddy, I'm rooting for you.

>74 posts
>24 IPs

Head Office Here. We are moving the new years party from the viral experimentation and storage department to the ammunition production facility as it's expected we may have a prankster mixing drinks with our products.

Also Nancy birthday celebration has been cancelled due to an unforseen crotch mauling. We would like to warn ladies that experiment 1ICK-3R is NOT to be used in an attempt to explore tongue based sexual desires. Thank you.

You mean "Mr Death"? I think he's just a story they tell the rookies to make them take the job seriously. Outbreaks can't be that common, right?

24 IPs? Security said to warn them if IPs levels reach 10. Guys I'm going for a smoke up top, don't call the car lift for a while.

A bunch of these nerds are doing kinda old school role playing. Pretty funny imo.

Why can't you fucks in the labs make more monsters that just eat their shit whole like that giant snake or those giant frog things.
its people like me from janitorial who have to clean up the blood and guts in those cages of yours.
Though at least it is oddly relaxing to watch those frogs eat.

That damn thing overheats if you carry an extra bodybag or two - but I am not using the sewer anymore - Have you seen the size of the spiders?

Thanks, bud. I think I'm going to borrow one of the dogs from the kennel and accidentally bump into her. I heard chicks like dogs.

Ok listen up,

I've heard a bigwig called 'Mr.X' will be attending the Christmas do so make sure shit is ship shape or it'll be Antarctica for you all

-Management

So when are we getting into the sex doll market? Or are we still having trouble with the genitals?

Why hasn't the hornet's nest at the residence been exterminated yet? I bet the guys at the branch in France don't have to put up with this shit.

Just going to be me anyway, need to get away from those weird bastards that insist on undressing the subjects themselves.

You're a genius!!! We need more men like you In R&D. Plenty of space just randomly for no apparent reason opened up for new staff too. And hey buddy I even have a new idea you can start on when you get here. I'm thinking of a creature with 4 legs and just enough strength to break through a window. And of course you can develop a way for it to sustain itself off its own crap if you wish.

If you want to get laid that desperately just slip the mortuary guys $10 and they will let you take whatever corpse you want as long as you don't mind the smell. It's 1998, pussy is pussy.

Mate, I fuckin met him. He came down with his squad and said "T-002 papers". He's a freak of fucking nature. Surprised we're not his parents haha

Oh not that fucking guy, he doesn't know how to use a door, just blasts through the fucking walls like the Kool-Aid Man

Man 1998 is awesome, married my wife who is soon to have our first kid here in Racoon City, nothing can go wrong now

Our shipment of T-Virus mixers are due for the 28th December. Who's handling the Animal testing? There's apparently a request for what looks like Dobermans and Tarantulas?

I hear the estimated house prices for 1999 will blow us away.

No, NO! This is NOT to be done! I will personally fire any person and write up their department manager for them doing this! It was funny the first time but this will not be an issue by the new year.

-Human Resources

RnD here. We have had a few attempts at producing biological sex dolls. But there keep coming out with large claws and teeth. Even worse the brain is on the outside.

Early tests concluded badly with various missing limbs on the part of our test subjects.

We are starting to think the 450 billion grant we were provided would have been more effectively spent on a fuck ton of hookers.

They're pulling the Dobermans from the local animal shelter, we're waiting on the tarantulas from another facility. Should be here soon, don't worry.

-Shipping & Receiving

Just threw a broken vial of the G-virus in the vents haha
5th floor is going to be so mad lmao

What do you think would be worse? Accidentally making giant tarantulas or creating spiderman?

I was expecting a new photocopying machine for the office this morning. All I have received is 91 boxes of shotgun shells I did not order. What is going on over there?

- Jimmy at HR

I love this thread