Landed lead engineer job with basic coding skills

>used to do some visual basic and c# back in high school days
>have basic css, js and html knowledge
>have some working knowledge of SQL databases from MMO days
>managed to land lead engineer role with big company through pure bullshit artistry and lies alone
>be assigned 4 team members for new systems project
>has to be completed within 3 months
>everyone on the team is saying it will only take a month max
>holy shit freaking out and tell them to take the lead
>they're looking at me weird
>asking about repositories and shit
>tfw dont even know how to fork on githbub using shell
>fml give me some material/advice what to learn asap

Other urls found in this thread:

github.com/czxxjtu/Hash-Learning.github.io#imagenet
ibm.com/watson/developercloud/visual-recognition.html#how-it-works-block
learngitbranching.js.org/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)
upwork.com/o/profiles/users/_~01347797c907b61991/
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

...

The Dunning Kreuger effect is a hell of a drug.

Yer fukt

OP here

I think at this point I deserved the job since they hired me from bullshitry alone which should give me some point, I didnt even have any previous CS or engineering experience just few internships doing data entry.

I was surprised to get it.

Should I ride it out until I get fired or start looking for a better job?

A three-month project that the team says will take just one month is probably easy. Tell us the project and someone will suggest learning material for you.

Oh man you are in for a ride.
The ony adv I can give you is do team sessions where the team gives suggestions oh how things should be done and just go with it.

tell your team to install gentoo and delete system32

Don't know some visual recognition shit using IBM Watson or some shit.

Yeah. Im already doing that. I get them in for 'catchup sessions' and feedback all of their ideas to the project manager which should hopefully last me another few months.

>managed to land lead engineer role with big company through pure bullshit artistry and lies alone

Are companies with engineering departments really that fucking stupid that they can't detect bullshit? When I was applying for a junior Python developer position at my company I was overloaded with technical questions that are pretty impossible to lie your way out.

The very first thing you should is to find out exactly what you are supposed to do. Saying "some shit" does not help your case, if you are really trying to get advice.

Yes. The HR department at the company I'm in right now couldn't tell Windows apart from OSX.

They needed a lead engineer so I applied, literary the only people at the interviews were 2 HR people and some IT infrastructure guy who seemed not to give a shit and could of probably called me out on my BS, but I said I'm more of a software than a hardware guy so I guess I lucked out.

They're trying to integrate the IBM Watson modules, ie the visual recognition for our local intranet search engine for the sales and marketing department... they load in a pickle and they get pickle related image suggestions for example.

I dont even know how to use IBM watson or even how to fork, the team is already doing some work but I have no clue what to do and they're all getting confused and suspicious because the project isnt getting very far.

isn't Watson a medical AI?

Have no fucking clue thats why Im here. Wikipedia isnt helpful either.

IBM Watson has a cloud-based API that your company is probably looking to utilize for this. So you need to learn about that, REAL fucking quick.

Secretely subcontract someone that can do the job and give him half of what you earn

Where do I look? thnx

Fuck, thats a good idea actually. Any idea of where to look?

Jesus I've been trying to land even an entry level QA testing or help desk job the past 6 months after graduating and have done 6 interviews and still haven't been hired. How the fuck did you lie your way into a job like that? Should I start lying in interviews and make up some internships on my resume? I don't want anything like your position but just something basic and to get my foot in the door even entry level positions all require 2 plus years in multiple fields.

>IBM Watson

hahaha that shit's a joke. good luck user, you're doing fake AI now.

google it yourself you lazy shit

maybe you accidentally learn something and can keep the job after the successful project

Oh yeah. My CV is 100% pure bullshit except for few things. I guess if I get fired this will be a great addition and get me hired even if for a shittier position.

I just put up a few big companies I worked for and said I was good at managing a team and took credit for few big projects at companies like Twitter and Periscope.

Get your friends to give references too. If they are a big company they won't check too much into it and if you have an incompetent HR department like I do they won't even know what a Lead Data Scientist at Oracle does or what bullshit your friends say when they're reading the Wikipedia descriptions.

Stop being autistic, overconfident professional bullshitters always land the best jobs

Why is it a joke? The team here are taking it rly seriously like its Jesus.

You, I like you.

this, watson is ai as a service
as lead engineer you need to manage team

do you guise do agile ?
if so learn how it works, define sprint objectives, assign tasks, evaluate task complexity etc

regarding toolings like git repos, don't make stuff up and use company infrastructure
they should have bugtracking, git repo, documentation, testing and project management tools and infrastructure
if they don't hve this then set your own shit up

most important thing you have to remember is to track who does which task using project management tools so you know who to blame later when shit hits the fan

post more deails if you need more help

Dude I'm not autistic in the slightest compared to your average IT graduate but I have 0 experience and always get grilled on technical stuff in interviews they didn't teach me in school.
Might go with this, what do they do as far as checking past work places? I have friends that would pretend they were my manager and shit, I'm just wondering how you got past the technical interviews? Every interview I go for they're always like "so have you ever set up a work station or taken apart a PC?" , "write me an algorithm that will do xyz..... etc" I don't even bother applying for programming jobs anymore because I just get btfo. Even QA positions ask if I have done certain kinds of testing and what not should I just start lying?

It works, what can I say.

The key is making them feel like they're the stupid ones for even asking you questions, like its an insult to you.

Fuck the IT guy though that was at the interview, he kept asking me server related questions and other hardware BS and I just kept condescendingly saying that I'm not a hardware guy and I don't waste time with this sort of nonsense as I like to focus on the software aspects and complete the project on schedule.

haven't kek'd this hard on Sup Forums for a while
OP better start tripfagging and keep us updated over the following months

IBM is not good at AI. i guess in this case it might not be bad. they're essentially doing this: github.com/czxxjtu/Hash-Learning.github.io#imagenet

it would take a lot of data to do this on your own and there's no other public apis for hash learning. but don't expect the kind of accuracy that google can get.

Bullshitting does work. Fluffed to my resume with pure BS and I got double my pay. You don't even have to make new references, just act like you were CEO at Google when really you are just the janitor.

Do you think this email will keep them off my backs for awhile while I can see where I can get someone to outsource this to or learn the IBM shit?

Lie. Be confident. Act like their questions are insults and they are idiots for not even knowing.

Confidence is key.

I like you user Godspeed if Mr.Noseburg was too stupid to ask technical questions in an interview you deserve to get as many shekels out of them as you can.

Yeah this. As long as you're confident and a bit of an asshole when they ask you questions, you should be alright. Also make sure your friends give good on the point references.

I see. What exactly is hash learning?

Watson is a high tier AI using symptoms and neural networks to provide medical diagnosis

I guess that your team is implementing a facial add-on to provide symptoms without people knowing it
I mean someone ill scan its face and the program use it to provide info

if that's this kind of add-on, you'll need lot of work
-facial cognitive recognition based on medical stuff (heat, colors, eyes, sweet, etc...)
-interaction with Watson (the way of providing a detailed image with medical info and transmitting into a knowledgeable info for Watson)

I'll say one month of study, and two month of work (one on image treatment, one for Watson implementation). If your team say it'll take one month, they're either without any clue in medicine, either very competent.

We're not in the medical field. We do e-commerce similar to Amazon.

So not sure why they are making us use IBM's Watson for this?

Now we all know where you work.

just ask them what project management tools they usually use, wht version control system
maybe you should ask this to your companys infrastructure guys tho, idk

spend 10 mins to look up how to do agile, it usually involves short meetings where people decide what they'll do for a week, you don't do this over email

>I see. What exactly is hash learning?
I'm gonna assume you know what a neural network is and what it does, at least at a basic understanding. Same with hashing.

Hash learning means that you use a neural network to create a hash (or some other ML technique, not necessarily a neural net). The neural network will learn about the data you use to train it, and this will influence the resulting hash, which you can call a "learned hash". The learned hash now has some sort of encoding about the content from which it was generated, rather than being completely random like traditional hashing. You can now compare the hashes of two different inputs (ie two different images) and if they have similar hashes, they should contain similar content.

Watson is not a medical product. It's a general purpose neural network system that can be used for any purpose. Medicine is just an application that's embarrassingly susceptible to this kind of technology.

hahaha oh wow

they probably want to use this
ibm.com/watson/developercloud/visual-recognition.html#how-it-works-block

Have a one on one with the team member who has the most seniority at the company. Ask him what works well and what has failed in the past. Get him to describe the meeting/check in frequency that is best for the given team. Come to him as an equal but humble. In the meantime read all the official documentation you can both internally and about the tech you're looking to use for the current project. Don't be afraid to ask your boss for guidance on management skills and philosophy. You can do this OP, no one was born a senior engineer.

Jesus, no. Its just a prank thread. Please dont take the bait.

ok
Watson is now restrained to medicine but I guess ibm is sharing it for other kinds of projects

Watson is a language based AI, a very powerful one
so kinda weird to mix facial recognition, Watson and e-commerce
maybe a way to buy something from webcam only? with vocal commands, and face as proof?

Nice try, OP

Ok so now they are asking me to define sprint objectives. How best to approach this situation?

No idea what a neural network is, I guess I'll wikipedia it.

Yeah this is it. How the fuck do I learn it or look like I know it better.

There is no boss, only the project manager who assigns the project to us and makes us do it. Technically I'm the boss and have to respond to the project manager who has nothing to do with tech only forwards and compiles the requests from other teams to the tech team.

Fk cant delete the post now w/e probably gonna get fired in 2 days anyway.

I'm feeling gracious. After you've tackled the very basic concepts of git - local/remote repos, staging, committing, pushing/pulling, conflicts, you can do this helpful interactive tutorial about branching, it helped me lots:

learngitbranching.js.org/

Kekaroonie my dude

Lead Engineer doesn't do shit, you'll be doing PM shit and dealing with management.

The best part is that even when the other devs realise you're full of shit, it doesn't matter so long as your superiors like you, they don't care about codemonkey opinions.

Then, even better, after like a year you go somewhere else for more money and a managerial role, meaning you won't have to write ANY code at all, you just tell the codemonkeys what to do and get paid for the privilege.

Seriously man, you've memed yourself into a very good position, and I've seen people with even less qualifications rise high purely by playing the politics game, nothing to do with their programming ability whatsoever

If you get BTFO at such basic things, then you should also look to improve yourself, besides lying, of course. You made a mistake assuming you will be taught what is asked in an interview.

Oh, this actually

Engineers loooove it when you listen to their ideas, it makes then feel smart. There's nothing they hate more than you listening and making a decision that contradicts them, so just go with what they say and they'll love you

Upwork my dude

Plenty of pajeets who do half decent work there

what a fag opinion

Bullshit. A normie who learned about C in CS would know the answers to those questions.

>Ok so now they are asking me to define sprint objectives. How best to approach this situation?

dood read up on agile development
you don't want to program the whole program at once, you usually start by making the shittiest working system then add features as you go on
this is done over iterations of 1-2 weeks called sprints
so you need to have a rough idea of how to go about the project, what a minimal version of the project wuld look like and then what features to add next until you get the whole thing
you need to ranslate whatever management asked you to do into user stories describing how user interacts with your project, then translate said stories into features you'll implement over some period of time

defining these tasks, how much will get done over a sprint, by whom should probably be decided with other team members
probably should do this in an actual meeting tho, not over email

but then again i'm simply a neet college dropout so what do i know, you're the lead enginneer

So what, you've never come across those heads of engineering teams that don't appear to actually do anything?

They get found out straight away by the junior devs, but they can't do anything if the boss likes them.

I've known several of them. They can actually program, but they make their living through pure bullshit artistry, basically selling themselves and why they're so necessary

company probably has a usual way to go about stuff, like how they host code, how they keep track of tasks, how they report project advancement or whatever so yuo probably should find that out
if thy don't it probably means you have to set your own shit up which involves more work for you

why would they program when their team is here?
their purpose is to put a project on schedule and provide supervision of the work

>tow you'll never fuck your boss and get a promotion

>their purpose is to put a project on schedule and provide supervision of the work

A function which they largely delegate to their team members, which is exactly what we're telling OP to do.

The magic is in finding ways to look like you're doing shit. Occupying a meeting room with big headphones on is key for that.

Nah, this shits an elaborate joke

This is what I am doing right now. I'm just stealing their ideas and feeding back to the project manager for brownie points to survive, if worst comes to shove I'll throw them all under the bus for insubordination.

I didn't learn C in CS, it was all self taught alongside Visual Basic.

K thnx, will steal this.

The company I'm at is spread all over the place and was acquired by even a bigger company recently so it's a HR nightmare but helps bullshit artists like me though, which is good. If I get fired I'll just use the title and position from this job to land a decent role, even if it's shitter, better than nothing.

I wish

Man I don't sit and take apart PC's in my spare time and I've tried learning programming on my own and it just doesn't hold my interest enough to invest 100 hours into it without getting paid. Whatever happened to on the job training? Every job I see posted requires 2 plus years experience in a bunch of fields they didn't cover in school, how is someone fresh out of college supposed to have that? Mind you these are all entry level positions I'm applying for.

>This is what I am doing right now. I'm just stealing their ideas and feeding back to the project manager for brownie points to survive, if worst comes to shove I'll throw them all under the bus for insubordination.

I think you might just be a natural

This lol. I graduated with a useless degree, had shitty intern positions, and had a job in a IT company as an admin pleb.

Why not lie and get a good job, and then even if you get fired you can just apply for another job and they'll take you more seriously since the experience you had. And if they asked what happened at the last company just say they downsized and let your friends pretend to be the HR manager.

If I was still about morals I'd be doing stupid admin shit.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrum_(software_development)

This is what we do with Agile at work. It's a nice framework to develop in. All you need to do is follow the development methodology and probably make a few architectural decisions.

this, he is the hero Sup Forums needs
if only we learnt how to harness the power of marketing and bullshit we'd all be having froyos on our own company building's roof instead of in our mums basement

we have shills all over the board for fucks sake, we should learn from them instead of rejecting them

Ok so I just got an email saying we're reaching our AWS capacity, I googled it and looks like some Amazon hosting shit.. he included one of the guys in the email... should I just wait and let the other guy fix it or should i take lead?

Thank god our company had the idea to allow free desking, so I just found the most secluded area and am playing Tetris. I told them I'm going into a meeting.

Should I just avoid anyone for the rest of the week?

So it's true. The hiring process is completely rigged.

Great, this actually helped me a lot. I essentially copied/pasted what you just gave me to the Project Manager and he said I'm doing a great job.

I dont think he read it, but whatever, helps me I guess.

You should fix this as you're the lead engineer, talk with the billing department on highering the capacity.

Alright.

This is actually an easy enough job to do, it's just getting in contact with AWS customer service and asking for more capacity.

Helpfully, this kind of thing also shows actual meaningful results, despite just being talking on a phone, so it's a useful one to do

>got a job to implement a bluetooth mesh network on some newly released chips
>haven't really programmed in over 3 years, and even then my C knowledge was limited
>took me 3 days to set up debugging environment, that's fine
>now have to actually start programming
>i'm just googling already-made examples and trying to adapt them to no avail
>experienced embedded programmerbro asks me how's it going
>f-fine heh
>am completely lost
>asks if i know what that malloc there does
>no clue
>he leaves me to it
>continue googling scanf syntax
Fuck me bros i've never felt so dumb

>just contact Sup Forums if you don't know how to do your job

risky topkek

holy shit this thread

user STOP LAFFING AT OP

why are these threads so regular

who gives a shit? you're not the first person to ever lie and bluff and get the job

have fun? I mean you're obviously going to get fired once they all realize how incompetent you are, why even waste your time

Started looking for an entry-level software developer job and I suck dick at programming. What hope do I have at landing a job?

Yeah I just told this to the billing department, they should fix this.

Yeah, thank god for Sup Forums might actually save my job and career.

Just lie. Who gives a shit.

I said I was responsible for two big projects at Twitter and Periscope and worked for some other companies like Oracle. I made it really vague so even if they could tell it was bullshit they couldn't confirm it 100%

...

I dont get it. Should i forward this to the team and be like "hahaha so funny" to seem like im apart of their shitty inner circle?

had to be done user

>I said I was responsible for two big projects at Twitter and Periscope and worked for some other companies like Oracle
What? Do you guys in america not have a document where all of the previous jobs are listed? Like employment history?

Nobody likes a snitch

NO NO NO DONT DO THAT user NO NO NO DONT DO IT

Not a bona fide one, no. That would be too invasive for our culture.

good lad, get fucked OP

you know what bitcoins are? send me 5 bitcoins and I wont hit send. you have 5 minutes to confirm you can complete the payment otherwise i will send

upwork.com/o/profiles/users/_~01347797c907b61991/

What do you think about this dude? Has experience with IBM bullshit but charges $30/hr which would mean I only get $40 to keep per hr which doesnt seem like worth it, imho like a rip off.

Do indians do good jobs at this?

Should I negotiate?

How do I make it not weird ? Get the indian guy to work on it but then how do i feedback to the team without making it look like someone else is doing my work for me?

maybe instead of handing pajeet the job you could use him as a "consultant"

IM NOT EVEN OP user

NON NO NO NO NO NO!

STOP IT RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWWW'

*changes to indian accent*

noT goOD not gOOD not GOOOD

>y'all

Man agile sucks, stop recommending that bullshit. A good traditional lifecycle model (not a fucking waterfall ofc) is a million times better than agile.

Don't mind me, just lurking this thread to see OP lose his job.

Keep us updated.

...

faggot

try it. ill bring you all down with me.

also you're a snitch and a bitch and outside emails need to be filtered through the firewall first before going to any of our internal emails so suck it.. i guess my initiation to the company came in handy so good luck with them ever seeing it.

Ill always be 4 steps ahead of you user

if this isn't a joke I feel really bad for OP
this is what you get for lying

NOT GOOD NOT GOOD

noT GOOD
Not gOOOOOOODD

You fucked up big time and doxed your self and coworkers. RIP op

times up