Anyone on Sup Forums ever had a sexual emergency? What happened, how did you avert it?

Anyone on Sup Forums ever had a sexual emergency? What happened, how did you avert it?

I got my dick stuck in a girl, but I pulled it out

Penis was on fire so i dipped it in a wet vagina repeatedly

I raped 7 children

> ask Sup Forums about sexual experiences

Massive newfag

Oh and furfags are better ?

that would be a more realistic audience than non-virgins on Sup Forums.

>newfag

I've been here for 5 months faggot

>be 19
>gf gone
>her 10yo sis is with me
>horney as fukkk
>tickle fight
>feel up grill
>"why you keep touchin me there?"
>hard as diamonds
>she straddles me
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>handupshirt.jpg
>tonguekiss.jpg
>she gets off and goes to her room
>i jerk off alone in 10 seconds
>next day find out shes a fucking tattle tell
>feelsbadman.jpg

When I was a kid I jerked off immediately after running around in my wooded backyard. Turns out I had furiously rubbed poison oak into my shaft, no lube. Ever seen a snake shed its skin? That was my cock for the next week.

Ive been here for 3 months faggot

I got my dick stuck in a car's gas can.

Holy crap. Must have hurt like hell.

*clears throat* Why don't you have a seat over there?

And here we have a registered sex offender

How the fuck did you acomplish that?

I was trying to cum in my neighbor's gas can to hopefully mess up their car. probably should have just put sugar in it.

1) I had piss in my mouth during one of the first times I ever ate a bitch out. Almost barfed into her gash. Swallowed that shit, held my breath, cleaned pussy with spit/tongue then went on to fuck her.

2) Had shit in my mouth. Was 69ing my nasty ass girlfriend at the time (the fuck was I thinking) and decided to toss salad because fuck it it's there and as I was just basting her asshole with my spitty tongue, I noticed that it was really...gritty?

Assholes shouldn't be gritty.

Oh I guess I just licked crusty shit.

Kept at it because man the fuck up.

3) Same girl, different time. "don't worry user I'm done my period" had blood covering my body from UNDERNEATH my balls to above my belly button. I have no fuckin idea.

Took a shower.

4) SAME GIRL jesus why was I with her so long

anyway this one time she was dry as shit and we both just woke up and she was all HEY LET'S FUCK and I'm all YUP and so she gets on top and puts my cock right under her pussy then fuckin SLAMS HER HIPS DOWN and literally rips my dick. You know that little bit of skin that connects the foreskin to the head? I don't have one anymore. Blood fucking everywhere and I'm screamin like a bitch.

Was bleeding everywhere so I went to the bathroom, balled that shit up in TP and waited it out because I'm not some fucking pussy.

5) Fucked a girl from behind once and it smelt literally 100% like scrambled eggs. Not an emergency, but seriously what the hell

6) Knocked up a girlfriend of mine who had an IUD. Best we can figure out is that I must have accidentally knocked it out of place with ~my huge cock~ . Seriously though kids, just don't nut in chicks. It's never worth it. She got the abortion though, so everything is fine.

7) Fucked a girl and the condom slid off my dick. went down on her, pretended to fingerbang her, pulled out the condom, discreetly put that shit back on and went back to work.

Continue?

BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERH

My frenulum is mangled too. It's still there, but almost completely detached from the glans due to dry sex

1 happened to me but with a guy.

back in grade ten (I'm almost 25 now) when my ex gf was sucking on my cock in her bed at her moms place, while I was cumming in her mouth my body felt relaxed and loose and I let out a fucking gurgley rotten fart right as I came, loud as fuck, right in her face.
she giggled and kept suckin. this is when I should've known to leave her.

How did you explain that to your neighbour?

Reminds me of this documentary about people who are sexually attracted to cars, and at the end of the film one of these guys cums on his friends car, and the owner is like, "Jim, did you cum on my car?", credits roll.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Did she turn out to be into scat

think you may have dreamed that one user

I'm bored, so here's more.

8) had a threesome once, and I guess one of the girls was on her period or something (they were both drunk) because I noticed it getting all sticky and shit (was dark). I've had blood on my dick before so no big deal, but when I saw the other girl going down on her like a fuckin pie eating contest I decided it may be better not to kiss either of them anymore.

9) was 19, horny as fuck, had a qt asian girlfriend and I was away from her for a few weeks, so when I got back I gave it to her real good. So good that neither of us noticed the footsteps coming down the stairs, or noticed when the door to her room opened up and her mom saw me BLASTING this girl from behind, mashing her face into the ground, etc. I've literally never reacted faster in my life, slurped my dick out of her pussy and dove over to my clothes in like 2 seconds. Pretty sure her mom saw my glistening, throbbing cock. My gf covered her with a pillow, but like...kinda like puttin a new coat of paint on the world trade centre, amirite? We all ended up having a good laugh about it.

Related note, her mom started asking questions about my dick later apparently lolllll

10) I've gotten HPV twice, and both girls (definitely, without a doubt knew both. One was shitty asshole girl from above. WHY DID I DATE HER) I definitely, definitely went down on. This was one of those later horrible realizations, but yeah, it kind of sucks when a few months later and you get warts you think to yourself, "oh I guess I suckled on genital warts a few times"

11) a girl wanted me to slap her in the face really hard, so I did, and we had super hot sex. Problem: I left a big ass bruise and people knew we were hooking up. WHOOPS

more coming if I think of more

This is the first time that I can say that no sex life would have been better than some kind of sex life. If you would have stayed a virgin, you would never have had
1. Eaten shit. (Gag)
2. Swallowed piss. (Fucking, gag, man.)
3. Had your dick mutilated.
4. Been covered in period blood.
5. Fucked a girl that smelt of scrambled eggs.

Fuck your shitty sex life, Sup Forumsrozzie.

I mean it's hard to argue, honestly. I've fucked a bunch, yeah, cool, but I've seen some shit man.

literally

12) last one I remember, I fucked the cute asian once, again from behind (which she liked) and after I came she sat down onto my white sheets and when she sat up there was a little dollop of shit on the bed. I pretended to not see it and I "had to go to the bathroom." stayed in there a while to give her time. When I got back she had cleaned it somehow.

I don't ask more questions than that.

Ive never really understood the human fear of shit . its like the most natural thing in the world and it literally comes from our bodies every day. its not nearly as dangerous or toxic as people make out.

and your argument is?

Well it just smells
>like shit
And there is a shit load of bacteria in there.. I don't want no e. coli in my pretty mouth

I once fucked a bottle of bleach.

The result was less than pleasant.

Because it is waste

it wont kill you though. it wont even make you sick unless the person has unhealthy bacteria in their system.

its a natural aversion to some thing that is actually harmful to spend time in close proximity to it. A basic google search will show you how bad it was when people used to throw their sewerage onto the streets.

I don't feel a goddamn thing anymore. My dick is a numb callus, a shell of its former self.