I am currently in the process of divorcing this land whale. Problem is I am still in love with her and we have a kid...

I am currently in the process of divorcing this land whale. Problem is I am still in love with her and we have a kid. She has gained 80 lbs since our marriage and fucks the way people shake hands. Tell me how to cut the harpoon rope.

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I've only been married for a bit, so I have no idea how real shit gets.
but dude
if you are not getting the respect you deserve then fucking nut up and get it or what.
what happened?

stop worrying about how she looks faggot. if it bothers you that much, get rich and buy her liposuction you basic poor faggot.

Have you even attempted to work out the issues you have with her? Bad sex always takes two people.

just start asking to talk about your sex life.
dont be a pussy when she asks what you want.
if you cant say it, find some tasteful porn and show her

meantime, i love chubby wives. post more pictures

Post pic of tits first

Murder-suicide

Look at a skinny girl on the internet see her obvious superiority. Feel the hate and resentment to the afore mentioned sea mammal flow through you.

Bullshit, anyone who says that is definitely the one who is bad at sex.

i'd nut in her hair

How do people "fuck the way (you) shake hands"?

Fisting in the mouth and up the butt

She's not that obese. Bet she was a knockout thin. If I had someone like that offering the pussy anytime I wanted it I'd need a damn good reason to not only get rid of it but lose half my paycheck for the next umteen years for it.

...

It means as often as one shakes hands.

>consistently only lasts 2 minutes in bed
>wonders why they have a dead bedroom and are currently getting a divorce

POST HER NUDES AND SET YOURSELF FREE

Encourage her to get in shape by buying heavier food.

No, really. Just dump her and get out now. SHe will only get older.

So all the time? I shake hands with people all the fucking time. What's wring with that?

Also, need to see tits

You need to cut all the bridges between you and here so you can recover and rebuild your life.

Yes that include your child. Kill it.

Like with her husband or with other guys?

Whenever you think about her, poke yourself with some sort of needle. Not hard enough to bleed, but enough to make it hurt.

youtube.com/watch?v=HzNXmBY62ww

make a bet with her...1 month, who loses more weight gets to fuck the other person in the ass...dont lose

I'm not sure either man. Maybe it's bad because she's now unattractive? OP can answer

I was thinking it meant sex was as stimulating as shaking hands, not that she's a slut.

Guaranteed results for her to lose weight. Get your ass lubed up right now

Lol, thought you were OP. Idk, I'd guess with your spouse then which is never

Complete the divorce and move on. There's plenty more fat cunts in the sea.

Lawyer here... Divorces are expensive - financially and psychologically - and all the more so when kids are involved. If you were in love with, and are still in love with her (and, yeah, she could drop 20 lbs, but that's barely anything these days..), and the *only* thing is physical and lame-sex-technique, I'd recommend trying to work it out.
Both my wife and I got a little overweight in our early 30s - we started running and doing races together (she's a triathlete, I'm a swimmer... wre both thinner, but not rail-thin) but we both supported one another in getting fit, and out sex life improved correspondingly. And there's a bit of a a sneak-factor there... you can pull off " since you started running, your ass looks irresistible..." if she also thinks her ass looks fine...
Anyhow... I see a lot of avoidable shit in my job. Unless you seriously just cant stand her... see if she'll go out running with you. It could be worse.

If one of you is good at sex, then the sex will be good. Sorry you're bad.

>pussy anytime I wanted

Do you know what marriage is?

go all Bill Cosby on her the give her a enema, she will drop 20 pounds

Look at all these fucking idiots posting advice when most of them probably aren't even old enough to buy beer, let alone have a wife and family.

OP, I'm probably in a similar situation to you. early 30s, wife and kid. No, the sex isn't great. But we're working on it, because we're talking about it. It was hard to do, at first. but if you genuinely love her and want to maintain a stable home for your kid, just try it. gave good advice too.

And for christ's sake don't get caught porking the secretary, no matter the outcome you will ALWAYS be the bad guy.

The first year is that way, at least in my experience. We fucked everywhere

let us know how year two works out. especially once you've got kids.

Was in the similar boat, but just found out my wife has a thyroid problem which was causing some of the same problems you described. It's easy to test for, might be worth looking into.

Oh man, spent 21K on divorce....in MD. We had 2 kids, was fucking terrible, after 11 months, almost done we decide to sleep together, thus resetting entire clock. Decide maybe we should work it out. Get back together. Buy big house, everyone is happy except the fact I blew 21K for a divorce lawyer for 11.months of battling.

On year 5 and its not like that anymore since we have 3 kids but we still have sec at least once a week

Your life sounds so shit, it made me feel depressed.

"I was MARRIED for TWO FUCKING YEARS! OH! OOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"

>had
Had 2 kids? are they dead now?

So what you're saying is that she fucks everyone at church.

Well, dead to me at least. Couple of faggots.

Post nudes of her already OP you fucking faggot

LMAO....nope, costing me 15K a year in private school tuition. Maybe I could pay back the 21K a little quicker if they were.

Maybe if sex was the only thing that mattered, but it isn't to me. It's important, but so is having a family and a home I care about. So I'm working on the parts that aren't great, while appreciating the parts that already are.

You ever shook a motherfuckers hand, and you went in for a firm manly handshake, just to have the faggot give you a limp hand.

So you expected a solid shake, and they gave you a limp-dick little homo shake.

That's what he means. She fucks like a limp whale.

Post nudes of your wife then you faggotot

I miss that crazy motherfucker.

I'm curious
>we decide to sleep together
was it a mutual business decision made at the kitchen table? or a spontaneous hookup that just happened

God me too. There is some comedian out there who has an impression down perfectly and does a fantastic bit as Sam calling from hell.

Served you right for walking around drunk all the time.

They made a mutual business decision, finalized with limp hand shake.

you can suck my dick, literally any time.

"I extend to you a hearty handclasp."

...

Got all kinky with daps

Went to a school function at our kids school. Fundraiser, on the weekend. Everyone getting hammered, silent auctions, gambling. Mother watching our kids at the house I stayed in. Expecting me home at midnight. I asked my very soon to be ex if she needed a ride home. Long story short, show up at my house at 6:00AM the next morning reaking of sex and shame. Mom had fronted the 20K, knew she just pissed it away because I slept with almost ex......good time ensues. Basically took 20K and literally threw it in a shredder in my mother's face. Like I said in the MD, if you are not completely separated for 1 yr, it all starts over

is that what they'd consider getting blacked?

WHAT THE FUCK Sup Forums

I cannot believe that you are counseling him to stay with her. Yes I know we are older than we used to be but that doesn't mean we should settle. What happened to all of you. Fuck.

get the fuck out of here and don't come back with a healthy dose of reality and life experience. we're not your little fratboy circlejerk anymore.

Jury's out till I see tits.

Great story.
I feel bad for your mother but hopefully she can at least see it's what got you guys back into a family unit again.
I'm guessing the sex was pretty good, too.

Have sex with her one last time but record it and post it online.

Tits

OP here, this time it was one of those Freemason handshakes, all white and saggy.

Pay some niggers to go round and rape her.

Like he needs to pay them. Or ask.

Have you seen his wife? He's gonna have to pay.

Not for the fresh-off-the-boat Nigerian motherfuckers. They love white whales. Holy grails.

OP, you still here?
We still want nudes.

Sex was awesome. Mom got over it and super stoked for the family. I pay her a couple hundred bucks a month as payback that she is putting towards college fund.

Thanks for sharing. Gives me hope.
Don't forget to hug your kids.

bad sex is better than none...divorce means paying a shitton of money for not having sex

Yes! Love me some chubby wife titties!

You miss the point. We can talk to your friends and our functioning human being acquaintances a million and one places. Sup Forums is the place you come for the crap advice. The impulsive solution. The dark inner thoughts. You only ask the question here if you already know the answer you want to hear. You forget the very point of Sup Forums old man.

WTF bad sex is way worse than no sex. Bad sex makes me feel dirty and disgusted with myself for giving into those animal urges with someone below me.

Show her this thread.

That should do the trick.

Kek, yep. All problems solved

Wait, youre divorcing her because she gained weight?

Ummm you might want to have a long sit down with yourself and reevaluate you position. Seems like an extreme action for sil9mething so minor. Also she could lose weight if yoi helped her work at it possibly?, maybe not... i dontnknow her.

you're a fucking moron.
any community is a composite of it's members. just because you get your sadistic jollies being an anonymous wingnut doesn't mean we all do.

piss off and find an animal torture thread or something.

Exactly

>she fucks the way people shake hands
Do you know what reading is?

She probably feels 10x worst than you do. This is the kind of woman that imprints herself on to the kid so that if you break up, the kid WANTS to go with her and you get nailed for child support.

She then finds a new lover that will never marry her but is hung like a horse and will teach her how to have orgasms once she no longer feels self conscious about her body. Your kid will start to call him daddy.

All this time you will be working some job that is literally killing you because you're working so hard for that next promotion so you can afford upgrades to your truck. When you kid comes over for visitation, you try to get them interested in your nintendo games only to find out they're all about the smart phone apps and youtube personalities.

I went to private school and it is a HUGE waste of fucking time and money.

Already lost

>still in love with her
>grumpy over bad sex
dude, love is in your heart, not your cock.
if you really love this women, you have to be willing to make sacrifices.
a good root can never replace a great family.

I went to private school and what I learnt there got me further than anything else I've done in life, including university.

Strangle that blimp, then stick a corn cob down her throat. No one will believe it was murder

real black knights don't have arms

Add another year and kid for me. We still fuck almost daily.

>almost daily
you're lucky it's only 4 then, champ

Good on ya, mate. The 6 month old is our biggest reason why only once a week. She's lactating though which is a huge fetishe of mine so it's a win for me

yup the sex tails off bit by bit until it is once a month, then a couple times a year, then sometime between 40 and 50 she will abruptly be "done". that's what i am dealing with now and it truly sucks -- not even a faint hope of sex. very depressing.

Question is have you let yourself go? Both partners have a duty to keep each other interested. If she gained a ton of weight and won't loose it or gets upset when you bring it up, then fuck her.

>still in love
What are you 13? Seriously man? My last relationship was 8 years, and while it sucked breaking it off, I accepted what it was and moved on. It hurts, you cry, you cry a lot, and then you find a bitch more worthy of your time.

As for the kid, so what? The argument that you need to stay married to properly raise the kid is bullshit. My parents never married and lived in different parts of the world. I got to travel, they both loved me, and I never once resented it. Tell her to fuck off and then be there for your kid, that simple.

>The argument that you need to stay married to properly raise the kid is bullshit.

Look at you now. You're on Sup Forums for fucks sake. You're a failure.

>b-but you're on Sup Forums too

I know

Once they hit about 18-24 months smooth sailing.
Most couples we know with even just one kid are telling me it's every other week at best.
But we're the couple that'll have a quickie in the laundry room while the kids are watching sponge Bob and the chicken nuggets just got thrown in the oven for dinner.

We're trying for another actually. She had a miscarriage about six months ago and every attempt since hasn't been successful.

>implying she wouldn't just gain the weight back