This is a story of my ongoing battle with a fucking bird.
>Be me, work at church as grounds keeper >I'm there almost all the time >Get radio call a bird is annoying the guests >Go to investigate >See large, black evil looking bird >It's made a nigger nest in the loft by a door >Don large jacket for protection >Walk up to the area, full of confidence >It knows >It watches my every move >As soon as I get close enough it strikes >Flys down at me, pecks at me >Screaming >I run away >Re-evaluate my approach, this thing is mean >Come back twenty minutes later >It has shit on the broom I was going to use to knock down its nest
Cont?
Gabriel Morales
Bumping for interest
Xavier Smith
Pls cont
David Moore
Bump for jesus
Chase Johnson
>Don't know anything about birds >I hate them now, all birds >I'm 6,1 and this bird is like.. crow sized. >Shouldn't be scared >It's mean as shit and won't leave anyone alone >Rope off area while I contemplate my next move >Come up with an idea >Drive to friends house to retrieve fishing net >This is the best idea.jpg >Gear up with motorcycle helmet, heavy jacket with fishing net >Look like an autistic serial killer >Approach the area again >It knows >It's watching me, it remembers me. >Broom is still there, still shit on >Try to reach up to nest with net >Bird isn't having any of my shit >It flys down just before I can position the net correctly >Proceeds to brutally attack me, pecking me and this time specifically on my legs >Can't fight back, biker helm blocking vision >Screaming >Run away again in fear, leave net to be shit on
Joshua Jackson
Fucking birds, I swear. We like tweets, but it sucks to get shit on
Landon Parker
>Decide I'll come back tomorrow, more prepared >Day 2 begins. >Approach the building around 6 am sharp >To my horror there is this waterfall of shit on the glass door >It looks like the bird flew at it at top speed, aimed its ass and fired just before collision >Already mad >Go out to shed and retrieve a shovel >I'm not interested anymore in just getting it to leave >Going to bash it to death if possible >Not wearing anything special other than jacket >Holy shit, the bird isn't there. >Proceed to bust up the mud nest >No eggs. >It only takes me a few seconds to destroy it completely >Return shovel to shed >Radio in that the bird has been taken care of >Four hours later, just doing my daily routine >Get radio call; 'user, the bird is still there' >I almost break my radio >Run to the building because the golf cart is to slow and the fat people run the battery down >The bird is literally rebuilding the fucking nest >Are you fucking kidding me >Run back to shed, grab the shovel >I'm gonna murder this fucker >See the bird literally using the same pieces of mud to rebuild >Charge >Swing ONE single time at it >The fucking shovel end comes off and flies about twenty feet and collides with a glass door leading to the gym >It shatters >Bird flies off >...
Kevin Bennett
kek. so far so good op. keep going.
Grayson Ross
ok this is gettin good. waiting for more op
Jaxon Kelly
>Day 3 >Spent the rest of day 2 explaining the situation >Reinstall glass door >Good guy church director doesn't make me pay for it >He tells me to get rid of the bird though >Approach area >Greeted with a warning chirp >It sees me >It has rebuilt the entire nest >If anything I have made it more hostile >Contemplate new strategy >Go out to shed again to look around >See Super Soaker >Decide to give it a shot >Hook it all up and proceed to douse the bird >It does that weird thing with its feathers when they are taking a bathe >Decide right away it's a stupid idea >Try to leave >Attacked seconds later >Still have scar on my arm from where it raked me with its big fucking dinosaur talon >Run away screaming in terror >By this point, hearing me scream is common and they stop radioing me to ask what's wrong. >Return to shed, bandage self up >Look for solutions, I want this shit settled. >I know I should have called animal control >It's personal now, both for me and the bird. >Come up with no solution >Give up for the day.
Ian Edwards
...
Eli Barnes
Bumperino
Justin Adams
>not nading it >2016
Cameron Kelly
Never more quoth the raven
Nathaniel Brooks
>Day 4 >It's my day off but I show up anyway >At this point I'm fully invested in this >Overnight, concoct plan >Arrive with airsoft gun, it's C02 powered >Small crossman pistol >I'm going to shoot at it, and near it >Trying to scare it away >This is the part where I caused around 4,000 dollars in damage >Taking aim from golf cart >First few shots are missing >Finally manage to hit perfectly on its body >I swear I saw its eyes turn red >It flys out from the nest, right to me >I fucking book it, or try to in the golf cart >Didn't think it would find me so easily >Getting swarmed by one bird >Drive golf cart into AC unit on the ground at full speed, just bearly clipped it >Uproots the AC unit and twists it around where it was sitting >See the lights inside the building become really bright >No longer being attacked, something scared it >Smoking is coming from the AC unit >AC unit somehow catches on fire on the inside >Run inside building to grab fire extinguisher >I've never used one so I don't know how to get it to work >Run back outside, the AC unit is literally fully covered in flames >The front wheel of the golf cart is also on fire >This all happened in the two minutes I was inside the building.
Sebastian Peterson
ever here of a shotgun? or animal control? your taxes pay for people like that
Chase Lopez
Bumping this glorious tale
Nathaniel Gonzalez
type faster op
Blake Garcia
Op, how far this story gon go?
Ethan Carter
Quickly OP I'm rock hard here
James Turner
fucking hell op you're an extreme idiot xD
Noah Turner
My fucking sides
Hudson Miller
Diamonds are formed with thumis type of mental ram-roddery. Finish off the damned bird already.
Charles Hernandez
Surely Day 5 will see the interloper's demise...
Jaxon Hernandez
Come on OP.
Jace Anderson
Holy shit hahaha you set the oil on fire
Lucas Torres
>>Run away screaming in terror >>By this point, hearing me scream is common and they stop radioing me to ask what's wrong.
Kek
Oliver Fisher
>Day 5 >I'm told not to come in to work >I show up anyway because I know they are probably going to fire me >Don't care at this point. I'm going to kill the bird. >I'm greeted by the director who looks like he wants to both laugh and cry >He tells me there is extensive damage on the side of the building and both AC units have to be replaced. >Golf cart is also fucked. >I try to tell him about the evil bird but he won't listen. >He tries to explain how he just wanted it scared off. >I WAS FUCKING TRYING TO DO THAT >He tells me I can stay until lunch since I'm already there. >Spend all my time trying to come up with an idea on how to kill the bird. >Then.. it came to me.. >Like a bolt of chilling light my mind was suddenly convinced I had the answer. >Go to janitorial closet. All the housekeepers hate me. >They have a large industrial vaccuum cleaner which is used to get at cobwebs in the upper sanctuary. >The hose length is around 15 feet long and has the power of a black hole when turned all the way up. >Spend around an hour dragging it across the parking lot. >Set everything up, already hear warning chirps. >Turn the thing on. >Put the extension onto the hose >The bird didn't move from the nest >This is it >Suck the bird up >It's stuck at the hose end, won't fit through the tube. >It looks angry as shit, still alive >Director comes around the corner because he hears the noise. >Wtf are you doing user. >I don't pay him any mind. >I ram the hose end into the wall to 'force' the bird to fit through it. >It goes in but gets stuck in the extension >Turn the vaccum cleaner off >I can hear it inside, it is alive and angry and probably has its wings broken >Don't care at this point >If you love birds I'm sorry
Jace Gutierrez
...
Jacob Reed
Finish the fuckin story....
Lucas Stewart
...
Julian Powell
>Getting swarmed by one bird Holy shit I just died. 10/10 OP
Aiden Taylor
10/10 op fucking hell my sides are in orbit
Justin Morales
pics of the scar
Noah Thomas
thank you OP
you are not a faggot
someone please create an image of this story for us to share it in the future
also
> has the power of a black hole when turned all the way up
kek
Julian Sanchez
Alright, one second.
Jacob Cook
Justice was served that day. You were doing the Lords work user. God bless you.
Isaac Turner
thank you o bountiful op you are my savior
Anthony Anderson
Is this it?
Dylan Bell
Kek
Bentley Lewis
It got me with that big middle talon I think, I don't remember since all I remember was the screams and the pain.
Nathan Walker
Some other shit happened obviously. I basically threw the extension into the dumpster.
Jack Martin
Bird had it coming.
Asher Campbell
holy shit op
Jayden Turner
Yeah, you probably thought I was exaggerating a little. The bird was actually attacking me. Not like.. just flying around me. It was making a real attempt to inflict harm. Hence why it earned a plastic coffin that was used to suck up trash like him.
Benjamin Adams
>It was all screams and pain my sides
Caleb Rodriguez
Jesus Christ
Justin Young
Bird should have been allowed to live for outsmarting the stupid OP
Blake Johnson
I'll see you all on r/Sup Forums tomorrow
Kayden Harris
why didnt you just throw a really big rock at it?
Sebastian Bailey
>$4,000 STOP OR YOU ALSO WILL HAVE TO PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS FOR MY SIDES
Thomas Foster
Did you end up getting fired?
Lincoln Reed
Use a 22lr with rat shot faggot. Kill it and it's babies.
#Trump2016
Chase Thompson
Someone screencap this shit my sides are too far in orbit
Nicholas Ross
well faggots we just witnessed the birth of a new screencap. well done OP 10/10 would kek again.
Grayson Gonzalez
Trips deserves an answer.
Strangely enough I did not get fired but they did take money out of my checks to help pay for the damage to the building - also I got written up for 'misuse' of church property, referring to the vaccuum cleaner.
Samuel Fisher
Proof Sup Forums is alright if you step away from trap bread from time to time.
Adrian Collins
Problem solved
Adam Price
>If you love birds I'm sorry
I do love birds, but that was a great story OP and you don't need to be sorry for shit
Jason Howard
SCREENCAP?
Joshua Hughes
Glad you enjoyed it. If you look close at the picture you can see another scar where it got me the day before. That one hurt more in my opinion.
Bentley Reyes
I'm just stitching it all together now, keep the thread live for a little while. It shouldn't take too long.
Luke Sanchez
>if you love birds I'm sorry >ty based user
Grayson Rodriguez
...
Nathaniel Morgan
>ITT: Birds can outsmart autists I can see the headlines tomorrow.
Matthew Parker
You try battling a bird with nothing to lose and has flashbacks to the fucking war.
Carter Hall
Bump
Liam Reyes
Fucking birds man...
Gabriel Ortiz
Sounds like one of these fucking things
David Hughes
Thanks for the story OP ..
I haven't laugh so much in a long time..
Screen cap in a best of Sup Forums soon
Brandon Anderson
Look at my scar, you decide.
Samuel Hernandez
I'm just glad you guys enjoyed it as much as I hated it.
Leo Edwards
Archive this shit!
Joshua Bell
Green text bump for green text
Ryan Ward
Someone screencap this I want to be in it >pic extremely related
Jaxon Baker
Please tell me you fucked that bird up user
Joshua Price
I threw it into a dumpster while it was jammed inside of a vacuum cleaner hose extension.
Lincoln Anderson
It just hit the dumpster and died?
Ryder Bell
Screencap now, god tier thread and I am in it.
Joshua Jenkins
I doubt it died to be honest. It seemed to thrive on pain and abuse. If I had to guess it's probably a servant of Khorne or something.
Eli Wright
Damn user, read the green text
Anthony Rogers
KEK
Henry Gutierrez
>>Almost break radio
Christopher Hall
What did you start to refer to the bird as? I'm assuming you had to give it a name after all the nights you stayed awake plotting its death.
Logan Smith
You're not wrong, I really did spend a lot of time contemplating how to get rid of it. I didn't name it though so I guess dubs gets the honor.
Ayden Myers
You should have fucking tortured that bird.
John Bennett
Hahahaha fu king great green text OP, been awhile i see good OC
Jayden Garcia
Whos making the screencap? Are they done yet?
Sebastian Ross
You dubbed your own naming offer user. So name it dubs. Or zero
Brody Powell
nah, you better do it user
Michael Lopez
Checked.
Did you end up getting fired op?
Joseph Thomas
SOMEONE SCREENCAP THIS FOR FUCKS SAKE
Adam Smith
Archie, the Death Dealer.
Lucas Lee
Kek this is the best thread on Sup Forums right now
Jaxon James
>If you love birds I'm sorry Also someone please screencap
Cooper Bennett
Sorry it took so long guys, on a laptop so I have to use the shitty trackpad thing.
Luke Reed
what happens after the bird gt stuck did it die in the vacuum cleaner