This is a story of my ongoing battle with a fucking bird

This is a story of my ongoing battle with a fucking bird.

>Be me, work at church as grounds keeper
>I'm there almost all the time
>Get radio call a bird is annoying the guests
>Go to investigate
>See large, black evil looking bird
>It's made a nigger nest in the loft by a door
>Don large jacket for protection
>Walk up to the area, full of confidence
>It knows
>It watches my every move
>As soon as I get close enough it strikes
>Flys down at me, pecks at me
>Screaming
>I run away
>Re-evaluate my approach, this thing is mean
>Come back twenty minutes later
>It has shit on the broom I was going to use to knock down its nest

Cont?

Bumping for interest

Pls cont

Bump for jesus

>Don't know anything about birds
>I hate them now, all birds
>I'm 6,1 and this bird is like.. crow sized.
>Shouldn't be scared
>It's mean as shit and won't leave anyone alone
>Rope off area while I contemplate my next move
>Come up with an idea
>Drive to friends house to retrieve fishing net
>This is the best idea.jpg
>Gear up with motorcycle helmet, heavy jacket with fishing net
>Look like an autistic serial killer
>Approach the area again
>It knows
>It's watching me, it remembers me.
>Broom is still there, still shit on
>Try to reach up to nest with net
>Bird isn't having any of my shit
>It flys down just before I can position the net correctly
>Proceeds to brutally attack me, pecking me and this time specifically on my legs
>Can't fight back, biker helm blocking vision
>Screaming
>Run away again in fear, leave net to be shit on

Fucking birds, I swear. We like tweets, but it sucks to get shit on

>Decide I'll come back tomorrow, more prepared
>Day 2 begins.
>Approach the building around 6 am sharp
>To my horror there is this waterfall of shit on the glass door
>It looks like the bird flew at it at top speed, aimed its ass and fired just before collision
>Already mad
>Go out to shed and retrieve a shovel
>I'm not interested anymore in just getting it to leave
>Going to bash it to death if possible
>Not wearing anything special other than jacket
>Holy shit, the bird isn't there.
>Proceed to bust up the mud nest
>No eggs.
>It only takes me a few seconds to destroy it completely
>Return shovel to shed
>Radio in that the bird has been taken care of
>Four hours later, just doing my daily routine
>Get radio call; 'user, the bird is still there'
>I almost break my radio
>Run to the building because the golf cart is to slow and the fat people run the battery down
>The bird is literally rebuilding the fucking nest
>Are you fucking kidding me
>Run back to shed, grab the shovel
>I'm gonna murder this fucker
>See the bird literally using the same pieces of mud to rebuild
>Charge
>Swing ONE single time at it
>The fucking shovel end comes off and flies about twenty feet and collides with a glass door leading to the gym
>It shatters
>Bird flies off
>...

kek. so far so good op.
keep going.

ok this is gettin good. waiting for more op

>Day 3
>Spent the rest of day 2 explaining the situation
>Reinstall glass door
>Good guy church director doesn't make me pay for it
>He tells me to get rid of the bird though
>Approach area
>Greeted with a warning chirp
>It sees me
>It has rebuilt the entire nest
>If anything I have made it more hostile
>Contemplate new strategy
>Go out to shed again to look around
>See Super Soaker
>Decide to give it a shot
>Hook it all up and proceed to douse the bird
>It does that weird thing with its feathers when they are taking a bathe
>Decide right away it's a stupid idea
>Try to leave
>Attacked seconds later
>Still have scar on my arm from where it raked me with its big fucking dinosaur talon
>Run away screaming in terror
>By this point, hearing me scream is common and they stop radioing me to ask what's wrong.
>Return to shed, bandage self up
>Look for solutions, I want this shit settled.
>I know I should have called animal control
>It's personal now, both for me and the bird.
>Come up with no solution
>Give up for the day.

...

Bumperino

>not nading it
>2016

Never more quoth the raven

>Day 4
>It's my day off but I show up anyway
>At this point I'm fully invested in this
>Overnight, concoct plan
>Arrive with airsoft gun, it's C02 powered
>Small crossman pistol
>I'm going to shoot at it, and near it
>Trying to scare it away
>This is the part where I caused around 4,000 dollars in damage
>Taking aim from golf cart
>First few shots are missing
>Finally manage to hit perfectly on its body
>I swear I saw its eyes turn red
>It flys out from the nest, right to me
>I fucking book it, or try to in the golf cart
>Didn't think it would find me so easily
>Getting swarmed by one bird
>Drive golf cart into AC unit on the ground at full speed, just bearly clipped it
>Uproots the AC unit and twists it around where it was sitting
>See the lights inside the building become really bright
>No longer being attacked, something scared it
>Smoking is coming from the AC unit
>AC unit somehow catches on fire on the inside
>Run inside building to grab fire extinguisher
>I've never used one so I don't know how to get it to work
>Run back outside, the AC unit is literally fully covered in flames
>The front wheel of the golf cart is also on fire
>This all happened in the two minutes I was inside the building.

ever here of a shotgun? or animal control? your taxes pay for people like that

Bumping this glorious tale

type faster op

Op, how far this story gon go?

Quickly OP I'm rock hard here

fucking hell op you're an extreme idiot xD

My fucking sides

Diamonds are formed with thumis type of mental ram-roddery.
Finish off the damned bird already.

Surely Day 5 will see the interloper's demise...

Come on OP.

Holy shit hahaha you set the oil on fire

>>Run away screaming in terror
>>By this point, hearing me scream is common and they stop radioing me to ask what's wrong.

Kek

>Day 5
>I'm told not to come in to work
>I show up anyway because I know they are probably going to fire me
>Don't care at this point. I'm going to kill the bird.
>I'm greeted by the director who looks like he wants to both laugh and cry
>He tells me there is extensive damage on the side of the building and both AC units have to be replaced.
>Golf cart is also fucked.
>I try to tell him about the evil bird but he won't listen.
>He tries to explain how he just wanted it scared off.
>I WAS FUCKING TRYING TO DO THAT
>He tells me I can stay until lunch since I'm already there.
>Spend all my time trying to come up with an idea on how to kill the bird.
>Then.. it came to me..
>Like a bolt of chilling light my mind was suddenly convinced I had the answer.
>Go to janitorial closet. All the housekeepers hate me.
>They have a large industrial vaccuum cleaner which is used to get at cobwebs in the upper sanctuary.
>The hose length is around 15 feet long and has the power of a black hole when turned all the way up.
>Spend around an hour dragging it across the parking lot.
>Set everything up, already hear warning chirps.
>Turn the thing on.
>Put the extension onto the hose
>The bird didn't move from the nest
>This is it
>Suck the bird up
>It's stuck at the hose end, won't fit through the tube.
>It looks angry as shit, still alive
>Director comes around the corner because he hears the noise.
>Wtf are you doing user.
>I don't pay him any mind.
>I ram the hose end into the wall to 'force' the bird to fit through it.
>It goes in but gets stuck in the extension
>Turn the vaccum cleaner off
>I can hear it inside, it is alive and angry and probably has its wings broken
>Don't care at this point
>If you love birds I'm sorry

...

Finish the fuckin story....

...

>Getting swarmed by one bird
Holy shit I just died. 10/10 OP

10/10 op fucking hell my sides are in orbit

pics of the scar

thank you OP

you are not a faggot

someone please create an image of this story for us to share it in the future

also

> has the power of a black hole when turned all the way up

kek

Alright, one second.

Justice was served that day. You were doing the Lords work user. God bless you.

thank you o bountiful op you are my savior

Is this it?

Kek

It got me with that big middle talon I think, I don't remember since all I remember was the screams and the pain.

Some other shit happened obviously. I basically threw the extension into the dumpster.

Bird had it coming.

holy shit op

Yeah, you probably thought I was exaggerating a little. The bird was actually attacking me. Not like.. just flying around me. It was making a real attempt to inflict harm. Hence why it earned a plastic coffin that was used to suck up trash like him.

>It was all screams and pain
my sides

Jesus Christ

Bird should have been allowed to live for outsmarting the stupid OP

I'll see you all on r/Sup Forums tomorrow

why didnt you just throw a really big rock at it?

>$4,000
STOP OR YOU ALSO WILL HAVE TO PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS FOR MY SIDES

Did you end up getting fired?

Use a 22lr with rat shot faggot. Kill it and it's babies.

#Trump2016

Someone screencap this shit my sides are too far in orbit

well faggots we just witnessed the birth of a new screencap. well done OP 10/10 would kek again.

Trips deserves an answer.

Strangely enough I did not get fired but they did take money out of my checks to help pay for the damage to the building - also I got written up for 'misuse' of church property, referring to the vaccuum cleaner.

Proof Sup Forums is alright if you step away from trap bread from time to time.

Problem solved

>If you love birds I'm sorry

I do love birds, but that was a great story OP and you don't need to be sorry for shit

SCREENCAP?

Glad you enjoyed it. If you look close at the picture you can see another scar where it got me the day before. That one hurt more in my opinion.

I'm just stitching it all together now, keep the thread live for a little while. It shouldn't take too long.

>if you love birds I'm sorry
>ty based user

...

>ITT: Birds can outsmart autists
I can see the headlines tomorrow.

You try battling a bird with nothing to lose and has flashbacks to the fucking war.

Bump

Fucking birds man...

Sounds like one of these fucking things

Thanks for the story OP ..

I haven't laugh so much in a long time..

Screen cap in a best of Sup Forums soon

Look at my scar, you decide.

I'm just glad you guys enjoyed it as much as I hated it.

Archive this shit!

Green text bump for green text

Someone screencap this
I want to be in it
>pic extremely related

Please tell me you fucked that bird up user

I threw it into a dumpster while it was jammed inside of a vacuum cleaner hose extension.

It just hit the dumpster and died?

Screencap now, god tier thread and I am in it.

I doubt it died to be honest. It seemed to thrive on pain and abuse. If I had to guess it's probably a servant of Khorne or something.

Damn user, read the green text

KEK

>>Almost break radio

What did you start to refer to the bird as? I'm assuming you had to give it a name after all the nights you stayed awake plotting its death.

You're not wrong, I really did spend a lot of time contemplating how to get rid of it. I didn't name it though so I guess dubs gets the honor.

You should have fucking tortured that bird.

Hahahaha fu king great green text OP, been awhile i see good OC

Whos making the screencap? Are they done yet?

You dubbed your own naming offer user. So name it dubs. Or zero

nah, you better do it user

Checked.

Did you end up getting fired op?

SOMEONE SCREENCAP THIS FOR FUCKS SAKE

Archie, the Death Dealer.

Kek this is the best thread on Sup Forums right now

>If you love birds I'm sorry
Also someone please screencap

Sorry it took so long guys, on a laptop so I have to use the shitty trackpad thing.

what happens after the bird gt stuck did it die in the vacuum cleaner

I screenshot. Will repost on ylyl sometime

So the bird's name is Checked?

i did