Ask a mortician anything

ask a mortician anything

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When the bodies twitch out of nowhere does it scare the shit out of you every time or do you get used to it?

What's your busiest month of the year?

they only twitch when you play with the nerves (which most people in this field do when they're bored) + the typical gas release. Get used to it, very interesting to see how individual nerves work first hand.

when granma wakes up on the slab do you choke her back into death so as not to lose your money?

Holiday's for sure, Christmas, right before/after new years..drunk drivers..summer gets bad bc gang violence (right outside of Chicago)

ever fiddled with a dead hotty?

Have you ever worked on someone you were close to? Or knew well enough to call a friend? If so, was is that like on your mental state? I'm assuming morticians have a diffevent perspective on things.

How's the weather?

still waiting on some shit like that to really happen in all honesty.

get lots of hot young high school / college chicks but nah, very sad to see.

do you slip the body out of the expensive coffin and into a cardboard one before cremation so you can resell the coffin?

This

Have you ever experienced any sort of attraction or arousal to any of the corpses? Not that I'm implying anything. I'm just curious.

What is the most fucked up thing you've done at work, either with a body or with the equipment.

worked on an old high school friend (graduated in 2003) good dude with wife, kids..had just come home from a stint in Afghanistan & bought one of those damn Ninja Bikes, you can assume the rest..those things + rainy day = no bueno

How many bodies do you handle a week?

do you sell the body of a cremation to some Mexican medical school and just shovel up a box of over spill ash to give to the customer?

How often do you leave a load of you semen inside a body before display?

What's the deal with panties? Are most corpses buried wearing them? Have you ever seen them? Were any sexy?

nah and the crazy part is a local rival in our county just got shut down for trying the same thing.

Did you ever touch a dead girl's boob?

Do you prefer prearrangments?

get a lot of pretty young chicks and as fag as it sounds, nothing but sadness. if anything i'm too busy cussing at them for how they croaked, usually retarded driving

What was it like having Thing dance all over your vagina with his strong but nimble fingers?

playing with nerves, sometimes I kinda day dream and end up cutting open shit that doesn't need to be opened.

do you watch zombie movies and just laugh and laugh?

...

>summer gets bad bc gang violence (right outside of Chicago)
That's the first time I've heard of gang violence having to do with seasons.

How long would a fully embalmed corpse last until it started to decay? Also what's the point of embalming? (aside from being a money spinner)

You don't know about the Spring Time Boppers?

How did you start working in the field?

Biggest dick you've seen ?

niggers hate the cold.. and chicago is fuckin cold..

they wake up and are like "damn, better go kill some people, while we have this 3 weeks of nice weather"

too cold for niggers to go out and kill people in winter

I feel fucking goofy that I googled that.

7 - 15, some as less as 4, others as many as 17, on busy weeks most funerals go to churches so we do have a one person per day limit if you wanna hold the service here. Most cant wait that long though if we're backed up, which we always are.

Pretty commonly known fact in the psychological and law enforcement field is that violent crimes trend with ambient temperature. Higher temp = higher rate of violent crimes.

twinning

Any good results?

Someone in your field of work told me about breaking off someone's eyelid when putting in an eyelid cap. Something about eyes shrink so you gotta stuff something in there to make the corpse look less freaky.

Is this a possibility or was he messing with me?

have you ever cremated an embalmed corpse on accident and blown the door off the oven?

Are you gay with an autistic brother and emo bitch sister?

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I try to get as much ash from the deceased as much as i can, you can't prevent other peoples shit from mixing in, it's very little though..not like you're getting half of your mom and the other half is some homeless dude.

Killing an Arab g.co/kgs/zqT6hb

i call bullshit

THESE STREETS AINT SAFE

no thank god but I know some people who have left empty med bottles in those who are to be buried. Small shit though, like those tiny alcohol bottles poorfags buy.

Chicago Cold keeps those niggers inside most of the time, trust me.

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>get lots of hot young high school / college chicks

sorry i'm not as sick as you'd hope i'd be.

As opposed to the rampant white gang violence as they stealthily kill each other while blending in with piles of snow.

Have you checked these dubs?

What's the panty situation like?

What's your opinion on Six Feet Under?

you're on Sup Forums though.

Did you go to school to be a mortician?
Do you plan on opening your own home or do you plan to eventually move on?

all depends on what mix you use, some people do a real shit job and they decay in 72 hours, others 20- 30 years. There are old lost ingredients from the early 19th century where people have lasted 100 years.

got lost on my way to /mlp/

>lost ingredients
Did they just stop existing?

ITT: The key to being a successful serial killer, is to be a really shit mortician.. thx op

You mean the methods were lost?

Yes I did, I'm actually going to OCS for the navy in august so my time is almost up.

>grandfather was navy pilot
>dad was navy pilot
>me want to be fly man 2

Is there any real point if the body is just going to be buried? I've heard it's pretty bad for the environment too.

>IV radioactive materials
>radiation kills all the bacteria
>no decay, perfect body, look just like the day it died

what i wouldnt give for this to happen to my body. trouble is nobody would be able to see me, given that i'd be radioactive enough to give everybody in the nearby are cancer.

yeah i'm sure someone has them in their attic or wall. random ass places like that.

was grave detail in the army for 4 years, decided it wasn't such a bad gig so after i discharged i just went to school.

or it was buried with the dumbledoor of morticians like the one ring

What's the most fucked up mangled body you've had to deal with? Did you have to reassemble it and try to make it look less fucked up or did it just get stuffed in the box?

I wouldn't put it past anyone, even today people are very anal about secrets of the trade, vault protected methods and the whole 9 yards.

What state do you practice in?

He mentioned Chicago earlier so...

two 17 year old boys 2 days away from graduation, 102+ down the interstate into the back of a semi trailer, both nearly decapitated, heads barely hanging on by a small layer of skin. by law even if they come straight to us someone has to come and identify, mother of the driver was so distraught she begged us for about 3 whole days straight to let it be open casket, told her cremation would be best. Took us nearly two weeks to convince the family of the driver to cremate him, sad shit

Illinois

I can clearly hear his laughter in my head.

how much do you earn?

67k+ benefits

>free burial, tombstone, casket
>half hearted kek

how old are you

are you allowed to do Viking funerals out on the lake?

I've been interested in the funeral home field of work, how would I start? What are the basic jobs?

Have you ever come across tbe body of someone you know and how did it make you feel?

27

no but a lot of homes in the south do that shit where they'll prop you up on a bike or something. We keep it simple & as non creepy as possible.

isnt that too old to become a navy pilot

He already answered this dipshit

what if I supply my own longship?

if you're 21 or about to turn 21 go straight to mortician school, if not try to get a desk job taking calls, cleaning, many times the head honcho will need you to assist in a pick-up no matter what your job at the home is. Start lifting because you will pick up fat fucks from time to time.

waiver + have to be commissioned by 27 and a half, i'm making it but barely

What's the fattest fucker you've had to deal with? Also tell us about the smelliest.

I'm currently looking into school, but not one in my area. But a few decent homes. I want to work for money but interested in interning if possible. I already lift dead weight fat fucks that are alive in hospitals, rather do it to dead people instead.

Do you view dead people as empty vessels or still as the same person?

high school friend, made me feel like shit mostly because he was active duty army, had a hard time putting on his uniform (emotionally not physically) patriotic fag so was feeling really gay during the whole ordeal. Crying tears all into his chest cavity, kek

ever had a customer arrive in a bucket?

empty for sure, not religious but you leave the body asap no doubt, people think that if you died in some tragic way you remain but that's only when you've been killed and buried under your basement or something. Proper burials are important IMO

can you fly a plane

I see, thanks.

You seem like a decent dude man. I would by you a beer, that kinda job cant be easy in the heart and mind

>Proper burials are important IMO
Yeah because otherwise how are you going to make all that lovely money.