ITT: paid reviews for movies

ITT: paid reviews for movies

>pic related
Imdb:6.9
Audience score:55%
Critics score:90%

Just saw it with my dad and I hyped him this movie since i saw 90% but after the movie we were both surprised how shit it was. Any other examples?

you and your dad have shit taste

Nah you and your dad are just plebs.

is this a very bad game of spot the pleb

ITT: Everyone should have bad taste like me and my gay dad

I really loved how old school that movie was, it had a 70s horror pacing, the atmosphere getting more and more dark and dreadful was such a pleasure to see, I honestly think it's just a throwback to old-school horror.

is he your real dad or just your mom's bull?

Instead of insulting can any of you plebs actually explain how is this movie decent at all let alone good?
Or is this some Sup Forums syndrome of unironically liking shit movies and thinking they are good?

Do you really think it was shit, or just not what you expected OP? If you think it was bad, what were the things (preferably other than the plot) that you didn't like?

I thought the scenery, acting, atmosphere were all really nice. I also enjoyed the dialogue.

your dad is a loser retard and you are obviously carrying his torch.

Name an element of the movie that wasn't good.

This movie is literally a pleb filter

Acting, cinematography, script and directing were all great.
It has alot of depth without the events being ambiguous whilst remaining utterly creepy and not relying on cheap scare tactics.

If a better movie comes out this year I will be very surprised

He propably saw that it was a horror and expected the kind of horror we've been seeing for the past decade but actually done well.

But user, it was a good movie.

>shoestring budget
>paid reviews

No, you and your dad just have shit taste

>my "opinions" align with the leftist agenda cuck machine (the same people who are defending new ghostbosters) therefore I have the correct taste

>It's a industry wide conspiracy! Everyone's in on except me!

That's hardly a stretch. The conspiracy isn't even hidden these days. It's all on the surface. Make a dogshit flick with feminist themes and the critics will fly the flag.

But it wasn't creepy or deep at all. Only the awesome setting and cinematography were any good.

Fucking Black Death did this movie better: whole movie, is it really magic or is it just assholes in the woods?

Plot was nowhere to be found, literally knew after 10 minutes that girl will survive and there was not a single thing special about plot of this movie that I never saw before in horror movies. Dialogue was cringeworthy as fuck, them mumbling religious shit isn't "quality" dialogue. Cinematography and acting were fine but not above average at all. Movie wasn't creepy even 1% percent. It wasn't scary, nor disturbing nor had creepy atmosphere. It was boring as fucking hell. My dad was yawning halfway through while I was waiting for this movie to actually starts being interesting which it never happened.

Everyone talks how great movie is while noone can explain how is it great.

Well have fun at the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with your retarded dad.

>plot fags

Looking forward to seeing you fags shitting up the BCS threads when the 3rd season comes back on air!

Nice memes fucktard.

I see this movie is liked by faggots who saw 5 horror movies in their life which were all made past 2010 and they think this movie is good because it's "special" and not like Insidious,Conjuring and Sinister which are only other horror movies they saw and they were all shit because of muh jumpscares.

>them mumbling religious shit isn't "quality" dialogue.
They were extreme puritans, the dialogue felt very authentic to the setting and characters, in what way was the dialogue not quality, because people didn't speak in quotable catchphrases?


Even if you went into it wanting meme dialogue you got "Wouldst thou like to live deliciously" which will probably be one of the most memorable lines of the year.

>I see this movie is liked by faggots who saw 5 horror movies in their life which were all made past 2010

Except it was the casual audiences who disliked it and the professional critics who praised it.

You and your dad are cucks.

Yeah I watched probably 100+ horror movies together with my dad, let alone watching them on my own so I honestly doubt we are "casual" audience of horror movies.
Did you all grow up without father figure and that's why you are all so mad?Hopefully your mothers bull treated you well lads.

>Yeah I watched probably 100+ horror movies together with my dad
>Saw, Scream, Halloween...the list goes on!!!

A family of plebs

>but after the movie we were both surprised how shit it was.
Not everyone can live deliciously, user.

>Did you all grow up without father figure and that's why you are all so mad?
No, my dad just wasn't a cuck.

What exactly do you find scary, creepy, or disturbing?

What Horror movies do you and your gay dad like?

kek

>I see this movie is liked by faggots
I thought your Dad didn't like it?

I dont understand how you could not find the witch creepy. What Horror movies do people actually think are good for comparison?

My father still has an active role in my life but he's always had taste

I never said you were a casual necessarily. I said that casual audiences disliked The Witch, which makes your conclusion that the people who praise this movie are horror plebs demonstrably incorrect.

The Witch got a cinemascore of C - which is very low. Any hype this movie got came from the cinephile community, not the mainstream. In your case perhaps you disliked it because you went into it expecting a horror movie and instead got something that more resembles a period setting family drama. The film is of a high quality on pretty much every level. It sounds like you just wanted it to be a different movie.

God tier line. That whole scene was excellent.

Can you recommend me some great horror movies you saw m8?
From horror movies I like Alien, Shining,The Thing, first Halloween.From newer ones Conjuring and It Follows were fine I guess. Normally most horror movies are quite bad and I watch them for one or two quality scenes.
You sure explained how this movie is good. Faggot :^)
What kind of movies does your father like?
Yup at first I thought I also just had different expectations than what I actually got. Then I went to check "critics" review online and they were all praising this movie for being best horror experience in long time and how creepy this movie was.

>From horror movies I like Alien, Shining,The Thing, first Halloween
Kill yourself and your gay dad

Alien and the Thing are not scary at all.

They're Alien-kino but not scary

killstreak confirmed enemy pleb inbound

Any horror movie that modern audiences love is shit. Thats a good indication that the witch isnt for retarded normies

I thought the movie was very creepy but at the same time it doesn't follow the conventions of your traditional modern horror movie. To me it was a very immersive period piece with a great sense of creeping dread. It didn't really have the "scare moments" as such as a general feeling of unease. If I call it a horror film then it's definitely one of the best I've seen in a long time but at the same time I think that label may give false expectations.

It's not as good as Alien, The Shining or The Thing but I thought it was better than It Follows (great aesthetic and premise but really ran out of steam at the end for me with the pool shit) and especially The Conjuring which had good production values but was completely dull to me since possession movies are so overdone. I appreciated that the Witch gave me a setting and subject matter that was relatively underepresented in the genre.

It's amazing how horror has come to such shit it is considered as a separate thing from film.
Like when you go to see a horror, the majority of the audience judges the movies completely different from an action/thriller/drama. It's like all the movie elements dissapear and the only measurement of quality of the movie is how many times you got "spooked". It's almost like a ride, not a movie for them.
The studio had to market The Witch as a scare horror movie so more people would see, and when they actually see it they don't care about the family relations and character development and the production design etc, they just want to get some loud noises after a few seconds of silence every now and then.

It's really interesting. And really really sad

> saw it with my dad
Mistake one, sort of film to be watched alone
> shit it was
being shit seems easy these days, does anyone take movies for art these days?

>the only measurement of quality of the movie is how many times you got "spooked". It's almost like a ride, not a movie for them
All of this. Jump scares, and found footage garbage like paranormal activity has destroyed what making a horror movie even is. It still has to function as a movie

The Witch is just as much of a non-movie as shit like Paranormal activity. It's a fairground ride. Only difference is instead of "muh jumpscare" moments it has "muh art" moments.

The audience for both films are retards. Only difference is that one wears backwards baseball caps and the other wears scarves and fedoras. The elite know both films are trash,

is black phillip an homage to patrice oneal?

No, the witch is a movie that has a plot. You dont have to love it but its miles better than other generic modern horror movies

okay give actual one argument why is the movie trash for you, not just "yeah it's boring and 2arty"

also please don't use the term "The elite" ever again, it's pretty cringy

Best pleb filter in years

You and your dad are just ultraplebs

Plot is hardly a legitimizing factor. The highest level of cinema completely throws narrative to the wind. Not that I'm implying that paranormal activity is in that category. I'm just pointing out that you're a clueless millennial with a head full of second hand cinematic memes. The Witch had no more precious muh plot than a flick like Sinister. Only difference is that it was made to harvest entry level "film buff" fedora tips rather than to make normies jump. They're both non-cinema for different reasons. Plot doesn't even factor into it.

What's your home board, friend?

>Somebody has an opinion I don't agree with that must mean that they were paid off to say good things about the movie

Stick to video games.

Everyone who hates this film is just a filthy Normie. Everything about it was well done, the acting, the directing, the writing, it was all amazing .

The hat the boy was wearing was a complete anachronism.
The flying effect at the end was bad.

You may think these are nitpicks but in a film that clearly aims to immerse you in a time period points like these are the difference between being a film and being an embarrassing pretend film piece of shit.

this desu senpai

>Any other examples?
Half of the movies on Metacritic with 80+ score.

>acting was great

Great atmosphere and acting. Last 10 minutes are literally perfect.

>tfw you will never live deliciously

>I only understood one in five words it was bad

>you guys fedora tipping fags
>I am the elite
wew dude

if that are your strongest arguments why the movie is bad then the movie should atleast be an 9/10 for you

Hell, I have even for the biggest masterpieces bigger complaints then one prop and a 5 second scene

>literal non-actors
>have them talk in heavy enough britshit that no one can understand them

>bravo 10/10 performances so authentic and empowering

How do I know that it was all LEFTISTS praising this heap of shit?

>muh CGI

Stick to capeshit, pleb.

so you watch nothing but true arthouse because that are the only good movies that are out there?

12 Angry Men is a bad movie right?

Why do people feel the need the express extreme opinions on this site that they don't even agree on really

Throwing around the old leftist agenda meme.

>The Sup Forums vitch

The film is a 2/10 at best. The whole thing is predicated on being a convincing depiction of a time period. Fail at that and the entire movie is a complete and resounding waste of time.

It's such a piece of shit that I wish everybody who was involved in the production would get terminal cancer. Especially the primary cast including the young children. They all deserve to die. I want to take my blade and then cut around the face of the lead girl. Then I'd start to peel her face away from the front of her skull. Using my blade to cut away any connective tissue. I'd drape the face over my own and then kill her family family.

I hated this piece of shit. Every molecule of my body was vibrating and screaming out in rage. It was like my flesh was filled with ants. Writhing and chewing on my flesh from the inside out.

I just watched a Q & A with the director and he said he had no feminist view in mind when writing the film. That's just people's own view. But with dealing with witchcraft of the era women's roles are going to be an inevitable subject.

>he thinks narrative is thrown away by avant garde films

Way to spot a pleb

>12 Angry Men is a bad movie right?
It's entry level "film buffcore". Artistically pedestrian and by my standards that means it is a bad movie. Good art reviles. A good film doesn't end with audience applause. It ends with audiences turning their guns on their families and then themselves.

>The whole thing is predicated on being a convincing depiction of a time period.

It's actually just a horror movie about the devil fucking with a family. Nice blog post, though.

>credible sources say it's good

>casual, teenage, plebeian majority say it's bad

LE EBIN COINCIDENTZ

It's a modern horror movie that normies found boring. It means it's automatically good.

I bet you can't wait for The Conjuring 2™ OP! Now with more pretending to be a true story than ever before!

you still didn't give one actual argument why is the trash for you. Just one please.
An actual argument that could be written in a review, not just "this scene is bad"

I am not even implying the movie has no flaws, but I saw you list practically none of them

You are the guy who trashes prisoners as "imdbcore entry level film buff shit"? It's not going to work you autist

Conjuring was actually decent as far as Blumhouse horror goes. Plenty worse films to name drop.

You know why it's feminist shit even if the director denies it? Because it's clearly made by somebody who thinks there was something unfair by how the girl was treated by society in that time. That is FEMINIST you dense fuck. The non-feminist version of this film would have revelled in every second of the slut's punishment. I want to see this director made by somebody smart enough to know that she got everything she deserved.

>"A good film doesn't end with audience applause. It ends with audiences turning their guns on their families and then themselves."

okay people leave this thread and stop feeding the troll please

edgy

>trashes prisoners as "imdbcore entry level film buff shit"?
Everybody on this board who has even a modicum of cinematic intelligence would reach that conclusion. You're going to need to be more specific.

>What is death of the author
>What is contextual vs intertextual criticism

>appeal to authority

What next? Out yourself as a cuck liberal?

The production department didn't give a shit. The girl was ugly. I recognized the dad from the office. If the film had artistic integrity it would have used no names. Showing a baby penis is depraved and pornographic. The goat had a faggot voice.

I could name minor details from this film that make it bad all day. Maybe they're not that bad on tehir ehhemem own but add them all togetehr and hyoju have a shit ajfit etier dfilm

Those are the specific descriptors you gave on those posts, you are not fooling anyone.
Not actual criticism, just vague and redundant adjectives.

>but add them all togetehr and hyoju have a shit ajfit etier dfilm

Are you ok? I think this film effected you on a psychological level.

It was boring and while it could've at least passed as some paranoia shit the moronic ending just ruined everything. If you want a good horror movie watch Babadook.

do they teach you how to meme arrow on reddit now?

>Babadook.
JHAHAHHAHGAHAH BABAKEK VBABAKEK BACA KEK


ANOUTHER SHILKLED MEMEM RELEASE JUST AS BAD AS THE WITHC.

MEKME HORROR:

BABAKEK
IT EMEMS
THE SHITCH


WHO KNOWS WHGAT SHOILLED FHIT FELST NEXT YEAR WILL HAEV IN STORE FOR US.#
BHABAKEK WAS SJW: THE FLICK. PURE HGAR

I HAEU YOU KATIE STUPID SLUT WHORE.

>revelled in every second of the slut's punishment
When the hell was the character or anyone being a slut?

This movie in part examines the mindset of people in colonial America who actually believed in witchcraft. Part of that is in fact how people were unjustly treated in society for being what was considered an outcast but they truly believed and feared this shit. The movie doesn't take a side it simply shows you what it would be like living in constant fear of evil and under a puritan lifestyle.

>moronic ending
>watch Babadook

I'll take Oxymorons for 600, Alex.

Reminder that raging against reddit is literally theopposite of reddit behavior. That post is a noble Sup Forums fighter holding his rifle toward the reddit/leftist culture cancer and then pulling the trigger.

Why do underaged kids always get mad when someone mentiones babadook? 2adult4u?

>The movie doesn't take a side
Do you think the modern leftist director thought the treatment of the girl was fair? Of course not. Even if the narrative of the film doesn't take a direct stance on the matter it's still evident through the language of the film that the director thinks females being oppressed is a bad thing.

>WHO KNOWS WHGAT SHOILLED FHIT FELST NEXT YEAR WILL HAEV IN STORE FOR US.#

Raw (Grave)