OP I am a psychic commenting on this thread for you with some advice I want you to know. You are about to have a breakthrough. You just have to visualize it, eliminate all negativity from your mind and only envision "good outcomes" for your future. You are in the process of transmuting the toxic thoughts, memories, and old habits into light.
This is brain training at its finest, but there is an old Native American story that has stood the test of time that may help with what you are going through..
>An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
>“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
>The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
>The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
What I envision is not you dying in a wonderful diluted mess of sex, drugs and partying but this permanently destroying your liver, however it keeps you alive to allow you time to reflect.
You are not meant to leave this earth because you are destined to overcome this and become even more stronger than you are now. If you carry on with this path it will destroy more of your life that hasn't been destroyed yet...yourself. Don't do it OP and rise above this.
You are about to have a breakthrough and all it takes is mental focus.