Be american

>be american
>walk into cinema
>the guard in the tower shines his spotlight on you

hehe, meme...

ikr i had to pokerface all the way to the front row and hope i didn't trip over anyone's anvils.

you forgot the image

...

>be American in year 2130
>life expectancy of 29 years due to crippling obesity epidemic
>order diet coke instead

...

>walking into cinema with heavily buttered popcorn
>accidently drop popcorn
>bend over to pick it up
>pushed over by line behind me
>lying on the ground being kicked and ridiculed
>finally last of the line makes it in, guard drags me out of cinema and into interrogation room
Mfw get to see movie through crack in cell

...

You blew it. It should've been Freddy masking the Merchant.

I don't know if I have that one.

This is the pic I have that would have been next in line

i blew it all over ya mums cooch

It is unpostable. You will get a spam error if you try to post it, at least with the classic filename

>in fisticuffs
You realize 'fisticuffs' means 'fight', right? The word is 'handcuffs'

>be me
>trying to watch Avatar
>"here are your free two pairs of 3D glasses for the showing "
>thanks but I only need one pair
>"Sir?"
>I mean... ahhh... err....
>clerk hits the singles alarm button
>get body checked out of nowhere
>while trying to figure out what's going on I'm already in fisticuffs and gagged
>getting dragged away by my feet
>handed over to police for questioning after the cinema security beat me up in the cinema dungeon

God damn it not again

Ehh good enough.
:^)

>be me

Dumb frogposter

Fucking swype to type.

Dumb redditor

...

There is literally nothing wrong with using reddit.

>enjoying movie in theater
>hotplate suddenly stops working

>go movies
>use bathroom
>50 year old man in a wig is molesting a 12 year old girl in the restroom
>tell theater management
>get kicked and banned for committing a hate crime

Such is life in Obama's America

>that guy in the showers who has a raging hardon the whole time

>go to theater store
>they've ran out of plant fertilizer
>AGAIN

jesus fucking christ. the next place that sells the stuff is another 30 miles down the road. can't they just restock it more often?

>Plan to see movie
>Drive all the way to the nearest movie theater
>Realize I forgot to bring the food for my falcon
>Oh shit, it's probably gonna die if I don't feed it for the 3+ hours runtime of the movies, including the mid movie infomercials break
>All the stores around the movie theater sell falcon food at a ridiculous prize
>Don't have enough money left to buy both the food and the ticket including the singles extra fee
>It sucks because I was planning to take a shower while there as I don't have one in my trailer park

>going through security
>some customers are given gold stars and directed to the shower
>I go through and get nothing
>tell staff I want to shower too
>staff asks if I'm jewish, I say no
>they laugh and tell me it's not that kind of shower
Oh.

...

>the "no

>trying to get in cinema to watch a movie
>cinema screeners are a fucking pain in the ass
>get in line, wait my turn
>paid a hobo chick twenty bucks to pretend to be my girlfriend so they have no excuse to take me to the interrogation room this time
>my turn
>have the blood, urine and sperm samples ready
>they analyze them while restraining me in case I get upset at being declined
>cinema doctor gasps in shock and stares at me
>"He.... He's a virgin. A virgin! VIRGIN!"
>fuck I forgot that they started screening for that too
>security knock me the fuck out in case I was gonna shoot the place up
>spend two weeks in a mental hospital with psychiatrists trying to figure out if I'm a threat

What next? I haven't seen a movie in three years

>no

>on vacation in America
>trying to buy popcorn in the cinema
>"sir we don't accept capitalist social constructs like money, you must barter here"
>have to trade my custom made crab legs for a falcon and then trade the falcon for a weighted companion cube and then trade that for two child prostitutes and then finally trade those for popcorn
What the hell is wrong with americucks.

Hasn't your state already set up a database so that they can ban you from all theaters at once ?

I have four fake passports

This is a federal offense tho, you'd better stay at home and watch YIFY rips tbqh sempai

>Go to cinema
>The card reader machine is down so they have to strap our credit cards to pigeons and send them off to the other movie theater that has one
>It's been 3 hours and pigeon still hasn't come back.

Well no shit it hasn't come back when there's falcons everywhere. That's why most theaters now use armored pigeons that have been given aerial combat training.

...

perfect

>Find a new way to avoid penis inspection
>Instead of sharing with you I will just keep it to myself

>go to cinema
>the fortune teller proclaims something ominous

We need those falcons to help herd the customers in the right movie theater, otherwise like cattle customers would wonder from room to room.

>dodge penis inspection
>they have just set up anal inspections and I didn't bring vaseline
>couldn't even sit on my ass afterwards

>cotton candy machine malfunctions and sprays the entire front row with molten lead

Thank you.

>go to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 6
>buy my canned ticket
>walk to concession stand and take off my 10 gallon hat
>hand it over to the popcorn madam
>"fill her up"
>she scoops it into the pile and hands it back
>"will that be all?"
>I order a cubic meter of crab fingers in a giant crystal martini glass
>walk over to the stub ripper
>I hand over my can but he hands it back and asks "what am I supposed to do with this?"
>I rifle through my pockets for a can opener but I left it at home
>all I have are my keys so I try to open the can with that
>I manage to pierce a hole but I drop my crab glass in the struggle
>glass and crab dance across the floor in slow motion
>my head is swimming and I tip backwards
>I let go of the can and it hangs in the air as time slows down
>just before I hit the floor I see the can has a built in tab to tear off
>I crash to the floor and grab madly for the can, and tear it open to reveal my ticket
>I show the ticket to the man who folds it into an origami frog, which hops off the ticket ripper's lectern in the direction of the showers
>I try to follow but my legs have turned into sheets of corrugated iron
>I open my mouth to scream, but light shoots out instead of sound
>I look around but my eyes have turned into wheels
>the wheels on the bus go round and round
>my thoughts turn into brightly coloured ribbons which fly out of my exhaust pipe, float through the air and wrap themselves around the mouths of PoC and suffocate them

The movie was average

dumb frogposter

The theatre that I've been assigned to use makes customers wear GPS-enabled shock collars. If you take the wrong route you get zapped. I once got on the wrong tram and had to endure zaps for five minutes and then five minutes again when I went back.

>walking through the metal detector on the way to the cinema's shower
>it triggers
>female guard asks me to take my towel off in front of everyone for a randomly selected penis inspection
>fail
>have to serve an entire week in the cinema mines

holy shit i thought it was all just a meme

...

straight to my (you) folder :^)

>movie was average
Robin Williams literally played the grandfather posthumously. That was his ACTUAL ghost.

What does it take to impress you people??

>(You)

I've been to that theatre too. It's fun at first but then you go again and realize that the exact same events play out in exactly the same way, and even the movie is the same. Lame.

It was the only logical progression

Didn't read lol

>go to cinema
>find a seat in the middle
>sit down and smell a horrid stench
>look around and see this giant poop on the chair beside me
>people start filling up around me
>wanting to move seat but too awkward to do so
>movie starts
>"mum, what's that smell?"
>"the man infront of us pooped himself. just hold out and I'll get you some ice cream later"
>wanting to inform her and the kid that they are mistaken, but I want to see the movie
>eventually more and more people complain and gives me disgusted looks
>some even threw their food at me
>I'm so mad at this point
>I grab the foot long turd and hold it up
>"I'M NOT THE ONE SMELLING! IT'S THIS POOP!"
>people all around turns their head in my direction
>someone yells "Watch out, a gun"
>a spotlight turns on the istant the gun was mentioned
>sniper misses me and hits the poop making it explode all over me
>guys in hazmat suits comes in and carries me out
>cry myself to sleep that night

>lack guy enters movie theater
>We have to get padlocks for our popcorn

Didn't read lol

>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself

Why was a 12 year old girl in the men's room? Or were you in the girls room? Something doesn't add up

See

Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? "I will go to Sup Forums and I will play the frogposter with the natives." Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Reddit. We are real. This board here, it is real. I think your ban will be the first real thing that has happened to you.

me neither i just copied pasted them out of notepad lmao

>My penis is out & im causing so much friction i am sending smoke signals to the guard tower

Haha lol

haha omg!

hahah teehehee
poop!

pmsl @ this thread

...

dumb frogposter

WHEN WILL I DIE

(you)

>put on my best suit and go wait in line for the interview
>finally get called in
>five men in dark suits are seated behind a desk with a stool in front of it
>sit down
>"thanks for coming user. let's start the interview. what made you choose this theatre and this movie?"
>they stare at me with blank expressions
>"w-well i heard this place has air conditioning and seats, and i wanted to come see The Dark Knight Rises because there have been times when i've acted like the joker"
>realize my mistake as soon as i've finished the sentence
>the interviewers smirk and chuckle
>"ok user, tell us what the difference between cinema and kino is."
>sweating buckets
>"uh, um, well aren't they same thing?"
>they chuckle again and say things to each other like "he doesn't know!"
>there's a puddle under my chair now, not all of it sweat
>"last test user. make the cia power pose. go on."
>mind is going blank, but i get up and do it
>"say the line. say it."
>"d-dr. bane, uh, i mean, uh, i-i'm cia."
>laughter
>"ok user, that's it for today. we'll call you if we think you're a good fit for this showing."
>hear laughter as i leave
>barely able to contain my tears of rage and humilation as i run out of the building
They never called.

thanks for the (you) friend :))

Do you guys smell that?

I'm a girl

great thread

...

for you

>finally get my cinema permit approved from the MPAA.
>get to the theater 40 minutes early like they request.
>I wait in line for tickets behind a group of Proto-Beach-Goth teens who ridicule me for coming alone. For 52 minutes!
>Get to the registration booth to purchase my ticket.
"Sorry sir. We only sell tickets in pairs."
>Purchase my $60 tickets and hurry to the stubman to get into my movie.
"Sorry sir. The kino has already started, we can't let you in."
>I begin to cry as they drag me out of the theater, and bill me for obstructing the cinema's immersion laws that were outlined in my permit.

>Proto-Beach-Goth
Well I learnt a new term today

>Go see Civil War
>The cinématographe spotlight shines on me
>Frumpy theater employee pats me down
>Finds my kevlar vest and tells me i can't bring in my own bulletproof armor; i have to buy one from the concession stand
>Fuck that overpriced bullshit; i'll just risk it
>Movie starts out good, lots of good meme dialogue
>Two morbidly obese people in front of me start arguing over popcorn and they pull out their guns
>Ohboyherewego.jpg
>Dash to the exit
>Get hit by a stray bullet and black out
>Wake up in the hospital
>Fat black nurse keeps asking me for my insurance
>Tell her i don't have any
>Get wheeled out with a bottle of $1200 tylenol and a hospital bill for $27,000

>buy a ticket
>didn't even watch the movie

get a job, poorfags

These are always my favorite threads

>be me
>in the middle of watching Nymphomaniac with my wife and her son
>suddenly the movie stops
>a spotlight shines on me
>"Happy birthday" my wife says in a monotone voice
>staff members carrying cattle prods, paddles and whips approach me
>"Sir, please follow us to the celebration chamber. Now."

and the cycle is complete

So is the man in the wig you bigot

this is the best one yet

>go to cinema with wifes son
>he passes the penis inspection
>I fail

>Have to rip a massive fart
>Failed to redirect my gasses into the kinemátiqúé fart collector which fuels the wood stove in the back of the projector room
>Guard falcon comes to pick me up and drop me off into solitary confinement again

Hate when this happens, it was during the best part of the movie too

>mfw the Cinema Mime made his way into the projector booth and won't stop making shadow puppets over the screen.

Can't believe I paid 35$ for this

>walking into the cinema with optimism
>falcon is chirping a happy tune
>one for Avatar 2 please
>"Sir, where is your anvil?"
>(oh Fuck, I forgot it)
>tell her I forgot it in my car
>she pushes the silent alarm
>7 hours detention with questioning
>they took my falcon away to be in foster care
>never showing my face there again

overwrought garbage. Neither of you have a funny bone in your bodies. You meme like you're some FOB redditor.

>overwrought
Yes, that's clearly the problem here

*nods respectfully towards you*

>Go to see The Lady in the Van, rated 12A starring Maggie Smith, in 3D
>Go with my mum to get past NSP
>the commander of the cinema vanguard flirts with my mum openly
>"what's a gorgeous young woman like you doing with a schmuck like him"
>realize the commander is jewish
>he throws my mum to the troops for them to pass around
>forced to masturbate to prove we're a romantic couple
>the ordeal is finally over and we are let through the cinema gatehouse
>my mum is still pulling on her clothes as we walk up the tree lined avenue through the perfectly manicured cinema grounds
>despite the beautiful scenery, guards wielding laser halberds with unclipped-cock seeking automatic targetting systems line the road
>as we reach the front aunting the valets appear at our sides to take our car to the parking area
>we went on foot, so I just gave the black valet my home keys and our address for "liability purposes"
>after purchasing our tickets (1000 yuan paid in monthly installments direct to the people's republic of china)
>we strip off our clothes and feed them into the incinerator
>step onto the conveyor belt for decontamination
>my mother's geiger count is off the chart
>she gets tipped into the incinerator too
>I'm showing normal levels of radiation so they just throw lime on me to burn away my parasites
>they give me a set of plastic cinema pyjamas
>hand me me a receipt for the gold fillings and jewelry my mother had
>receipt says a donation has been made in your name to PETA
>step into the movie pod
>pod ascends into the theatre mothership
>feel a slight bump as the energy fields descend into hyperspace
>fields find traction and we begin to accelerate into the heavens
>as we reach lightspeed I see the movie projected onto pluto from hubble projector stationed at a lagrange point between jupiter and the sun
>by the time we circumnavigate the sun the next scene is showing
>whole film is blue-shifted because the pilot was going too fast

Maggie Smith was charming as always

There might be something here, but your story sucks. It lacks any cohesion. You just threw a bunch of unrelated concepts together and they don't fit. It ends up reading like a word salad.

I also get the feeling you were probably giggling your ass off while writing it.

well i'm sorry to see that