Alright Sup Forums, for my Public Speaking class we have to come up in front and say a clean joke

Alright Sup Forums, for my Public Speaking class we have to come up in front and say a clean joke.

What is the funniest clean joke that you know?

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! :D

Three legged dog walks into a bar and says,
"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw" (say it with a southern drawl)

I'm going to kms

fucking kek thats good

Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last greatest hit was 'The Wall'.

What kind of key opens a banana?
A Monkey

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.

How can you tell if a black girl is pregnant?
Stick a tampon up her vagina. If you pull it out and the cotton's picked, she's pregnant.

Why will you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Cuz they're so good at it.

Boom. Fuck you.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

...

So there was this cornflake, fresh out of the oven, he decided that he was going to be the best cornflake ever. So he wriggled his way back through the other cornflakes proclaiming, " I am not crunchy enough" if I am going to be the best I need to be toasted again. So he wriggles back and gets toasted again.

>cont?

my gfs dad called me a pedophile the other day because im 36 and shes 22

completely ruined out 10 year anniversary

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

theres no way you wouldnt get an A if you got up there and successfully delivered this.

if i could get rid of one thing in my body it would be my spine. it holds me back

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

what?

If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

Man walks into a shop and asks if he can buy a fly.
Storeowner: Sorry we don't sell flies..
Man: but there is one in the window...

A high school couple decide to go to prom.

A few days before the prom, the guy goes to the local tux shop to rent his suit. The line was unbelievably long, but he eventually got his suit.

The next day, the girl went to the dress shop to get her dress. The line there was unbelievably long too, but she eventually got her dress.

The night of prom arrives and the couple end up dancing laughing reminiscing and having a wonderful time.

After they were done dancing, the guy asks the girl if she wanted some punch, so he goes to get some punch and there was no punch line

Not clean but whatever.

>say "pain is not justified" fairly fast.

Why
What is it supposed to sound like

Not gonna tell you. You figure it yourself.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no idear.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
I still have no idear.

Two ants on a toilet

One got pissed off

I'm guessing the ''pain is'' part is supposed to sound like penis. the guy should stop being a fag and just tell us cos no cunt is going to get it.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it's over your head!

I actually really like this one. Not because it's particularlly funny, but because it makes normies stop and think.

What did the buffalo say to her son when he was leaving?

Go away

>man walks into the world trade center and asks if he can buy a plane

A man walks into a bar.
>Ouch.

Is your mouth sewn shut? If it isn't than you can get the joke. And also...

>the guy

I prefer user.

there's nothing to "get"

Hm...good point. I think I'll be off for the night, bit tired.

And yes it was a penis joke.

I agree with
It seems the whole joke is that it'll kind of sound like you're saying penis. The joke is retarded as is anyone who likes it.

Knock knock
Who's there
Little Old Lady
Little old lady who
Golly user, I didnt know you could yodel

I vote this one OP

>also checkin them trips

>Where does a general keep his armies?
in his sleevies

My father gave me an organ donor card and suggested I sign up. He's a man after my own heart...

You must be an exciting flavor of stupid if you need to stop and think about that joke.

>normies
Also, you must be an exciting flavor of stupid not to realize that a thing can have implications.

I am stealing this one.

No continue.