How do you get rid of external hemorrhoids without going to the doctor?

How do you get rid of external hemorrhoids without going to the doctor?

Get a rubberband and have your boyfriend isolate it from the rest of your fatass you faggot

poke it, it'll retreat like a dick that't touched a ice cube

You leave it alone, keep it clean. Dont stress your butthole, nigroid

They go away by themselves eventually, just take stool softener until it does so you don't have to strain when shitting. Clean with wet wipes not toilet paper until it's gone. Should be gone within a week or two

Stop stickin things up your ass.

are you sure they'll leave? cause i am really freaked out

the file-sharpened teeth of a consenting adult

>19:08:39
Lots of fiber lots of water
Preph and advil if it hurts like the bejesus

have a nice soakin ya ass with warm water

No joke, stick your finger up your ass whilst you're in the shower. The heat from the shower makes your muscles relax which makes it easier to stick back in. Then I would do what suggested

preperation h

Sandpaper, vinegar and salt!

I get these from time to time. Epsolm salt and a warm bath clears it up in a few days

You dont. Just had my internal hemorrhoids rubberbanded and hopefully it'll help me shit properly again. Feeling painfull right now.

Napalm

Play the waiting game.

I've had one for the past week, was about the size of a walnut. Shit felt bad man.

I had one back when I was in college and my diet was awful. I'll never make the mistake of popping one again.

Story if anyones interested.

Just take it easy and wait for it to go away. I had about 2 years ago and it went away after a week or so.

Stop sitting on the toilet so long

interested

Give us the tl;dr version of the one you popped.

Sickened but curious

I had one burst on my during work once. I saw a little trail of blood on the ground and I didn't think it was mine. I didn't feel any pain from it. I finally felt my ass was a little wet and thought I shat myself so I went to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet and when i stood up the seat was red and the water turned into cherry koolaid. It sucked but at least I have a new fetish.

greentext pls

I too want to hear the shitting stories

>It sucked but at least I have a new fetish.

gotta wait it out
use preparation h in the mean time

once piece of advice, as you are shitting lean your chest on top of your thighs, this takes off a lot of pressure away from your asshole while you are trying to take a shit.

Get some preperation h suposetorys, and some tucks moist butt wipes. It will go away in like a week.

I went for a shit once and had it full of blood before, got scared that it was the anal cancer or liver fuckup from all the booze.
doctor fingered my pooper and said it was an internal hemmy.

what i do is eat raisins as snacks for fiber, drink at least a gallon of water a day, not sit down for long periods (like standing up every hour), go out for a walk like every other day if i can, use wet wipes instead of toilet paper, shower every day (gotta keep that area clean yo) and idk if i'm missing any other things but if i remember i'll add on

still a better love story than Twilight

Fuck it, I'll greentext it

>be me, 7 years ago, 21 years old in college
>diet consists of macaroni and cheese 4 nights a week, and chicken tendies with Texas Pete sauce every other night
>fucknutrition.ini
>my shits come out as gigantic solid turds with the density of a neutron star, require herculean strength to evacuate
>one day, weird bubble appears right on the edge of my o-ring
>dull, throbbing pain, constantly aware of this annoyance
>hurts like fuck to shit, hurts even more to wipe afterward
>one night, browsing the 4chins, ass is painfully throbbing incessantly
>mfw
>get fed up with this annoying pain on my round-brown
>decide this fuckers gotta go

Amputation is your only effective solution.

i'm srs guys, rest your upper body on your thighs before taking a dump, assuming you don't have a giant stomach that does not allow you to bend forward. Bending forward this way allows your asshole to poop with much less strain, not only allowing it to heal faster but preventing future injury if you just get used to doing it this way.

Wipe with wet toilet paper. This is a life changer. Also shit more often. And hot baths help

>head to the bathroom
>sit down on toilet
>start pushing and squishing this grape sized hemorrhoid to test pain threshold
>painful, but nothe THAT bad
>figure it must be like popping a pimple
>assume I can just kinda push on it and it'll go
>use index finger and apply pressure
>finger slips, slides into my ass up to my third knuckle, shooting pain up into my colon
>mfw
>continue poking and prodding
>lots of pain, but no grand finale
>start getting pissed
>decide to go "double or nothing"

moar

I've had these bad before. Had them Lanced and everything.


I buy over the counter creams that have witchhazel at main ingredient. My best advice

Go on.

...

I popped one before ... screamed like a little girl and the amount of blood was ... unsettling

>how bad can it be?
>grip that sucker between my thumb and forefinger
>bite my lip, brace for impact against the wall next to me
>squeeze that little bastard with every ounce of finger strength I've got
>feel it soften, squish and deform, and then
>POP
>instant excruciating pain explodes from my anus
>mfw
>to this day, single most painful experience of my life
>my vision whites-out for a good 10 seconds as the unrivaled agony in my stink-pipe runs it's course
>scream at the top of my lungs
>feel a warm squirt, thought I shit myself
>as suddenly as it came, the pain was gone and instant relief, no more pressure in my sphincter
>breathing heavily, sweating real bad, I bring myself to stand
>turn to look into toilet and recoil in horror

Nothing, there's a cream you can use to lessen the itch but that's that. You can't really cure piles, even if you go to a doctor, a non serious piles case like this, they only gonna give you the cream. Piles (non serious) usually last for about a week, just man up. Learn to use water or wet wipes to clean your butthole. Do not strain your anus. Just so you know, adults 25 of age and above are prone to get piles regardless of how healthy their lifestyle is. It's called aging.

requesting pic of toilet

I've suffered from these for a while too then my foreman told me garlic works seriously but a piece up your ass burns like hell but reduces the swelling and pain in 15 minutes the pain is brutal at first though

but if the pain was so short and it actually helped, why do you regret it?

Pics

Checked

And this sounds like the good part coming up continue

>toilet water was redder than fruit punch
>blood EVERYWHERE
>looked like someone slit a vampires throat and hate fucked the opening
>whatthefuck.flac
>pain and pressure in my asshole begins to return, but more of a stinging sensation
>sit back down and give it another squeeze because why the fuck not
>more blinding pain, hear an audible PSSSSSS sound
>hear what sounds like curdled milk falling into a full bathtub from shoulder height
>hemorrhoid is now deflated like a stinky unwanted balloon
>dat relief
>look back into toilet water, even more blood
>floating amongst the red tide are evil black goopy clumps of what I can only surmise are coagulated blood
>looks like a fucking murder scene
>smells like a bloody slaughter house that a bunch of hobos shit in for 3 weeks
>cleanup time

im laughing so hard

oh user, say it ain't so

>take needle
>sterilize needle
>poke hemorrhoid with said needle
>profit

It was 10 seconds that felt like 10 years. It was so painful as to be literally indescribable. The relief was not worth it. Nor was what was to come

>go through 2 rolls of toilet paper wiping blood off of the rim of the toilet
>cursing and whimpering the whole time
>my ass crack and as screens were smeared with blood, checked in the mirror, it looked like I was repeatedly raped with a cactus wrapped with a jagged bike chain
>blood was spattered everywhere
>grab some rubbing alcohol from medicine cabinet and pour it down the crack of my ass to disinfect the now open wound located in the epicenter of the cesspit that is my shit-hole
>MISTAKE.txt
>more excruciating pain, crying and swearing
>pain recedes, grab some gauze and begin packing it into my asscrack until it looks like my ass swallowed a diaper
>whole ordeal lasted maybe 15 minutes from start to finish
>open bathroom door
>parents standing there in disbelief
>their fucking faces when
>had to explain what happened
>mom calls me a dumbass for popping my own hemorrhoid
>dads sides are in orbit
>my anus bled for a week afterwards

Moral of the story, let the hemorrhoid run its course, op. It'll be gone in a week. There are untold horrors within that little thing

This.

>plenty of water/fiber
>only shit until you really have to
>don't strain
>limited wipes with TP/prefer baby wipes

naproxen worked for me

i will pray for your asshole

Thanks for the laugh user, the world needs more people like you.

oh, and make a tuck pad out of a couple squares of TP, soak it in witch hazel and, er, tuck it in your asshole for some relief

this was great

this is some quality greentext

It doesn't need prayers anymore. It's got the callouses of an Olympic deadlifter now.

I've been dealing with a bad one since this past Saturday. It's the biggest one I've had. I must admit I've been tempted to destroy him, but the one in the story was a baby compared to this behemoth. On day 2 of having it, it was literally the size of a walnut. I can only imagine the stygian horrors that would be released into the world if I open that box.

Since then it's shrank considerably, but it's still there. I'm a cop, so I spend about 95% of my day sitting in a patrol car, you can imagine the kind of mood I've been in for the last 7 days. I've had so little patience for bullshit that I've written more tickets in the last week than I have in the 30 days prior.

OP, when it's gone, expect for it to return at some point in your life. Resist the temptation to do battle with them. The human spirit is simply...not strong enough

story gave me purpose in my life

Listian to the man op

get your boyfriend to suck it

>mfw deadlift isn't an olympic lift

> dads sides are in orbit
Kekker
As a dad, this would also be my reaction ...

...

So how is it now?

I have a hemmorhoid thats been staying there since forever, no symptoms so I dont mind much, but thought about having it removed.

stick a clove of garlic in your ass

I had one last August. Before showers, I would apply so Witch Hazel and it really sped up the healing process.

Ok this is what they used to do. And it works. Its a natural remedy. Ok so
> 1. Heat the end of an iron rod or poker thats about the diameter of your anus until it is red hot
> 2. Stick it up your asshole in order to cauterize the sore
> 3. ???
> 4. Profit

99% of the time I don't even notice it, it's so small.

Once every 8 months to a year it returns with a vengeance, like the orc captains from Shadow of Mordor
>"THOUGHT YOU COULD KILL ME, EH M8? THINK AGAIN, I'LL RIP YA GUTS RIGHT OUT YA THROAT!"

After this most recent recurrence I'm considering getting it removed as well. If it comes back somewhere down the road even more powerful I don't think that even all my Academy training will save me that time.

Shoot it dead

Tobasco and sandpaper. First apply the tobasco and then rub with sandpaper. Be sure to rub coarse salt into it when you are done.

OK PAY ATTN FAGGOT BECAUSE IM GONNA HELP YOU THIS HAPPENED TO ME A FEW MONTHS AGO

theres a few things you need figure out for example if you sit on the pooper for an hour at a time every time thats probably how you got this, unless you like putting things up your pooper then thats DEFINITELY what the issue is


Anywho now you need to monitor your fiber intake, none of us eat enough fiber you need about 30 to 40 grams of fiber per day (google it). The fiber is make sure that your poop is always soft and passes safely without causing more damage to the hemorrhoids

NOW THIS IS WERE YOU REALLY PAY ATTENTION

theres a product called Hemmoriod Harry (again google it)

A combination of all this plus just overall caring for your body is gonna make them go away.

Your welcome btw.

rude yet informative

Someone screenshot the greentext story pls

>Hemmoriod Harry
>Google Hemmoroid Harry
>Go to images
>This pic
>My Hemmoroids are in orbit.

My thought too but that was the best greentext in awhile

now you wait a fuckin minute you said you were in college how were your parents there did you live off campus with them

If dubs you pop it

Mostly whole plant food vegan diet, wash your ass after every shit, for immediate relief from a hemorrhoid lasting longer than 4 hours, rub a shark liver on it

it came back in full? I thought atleast as a hemmorhoid it would be dead and you'd just have a nasty scar or something

Scary, I guess I should count my stars like, your story struck me because I had one point in my life too where I was trying to pop it like a pimple, thank god I stopped.
Well its symptomless, though sadly visible for years now, even though I do buttplay, so unless it actually flares up I'll leave it be
As far as I'm aware the doctor also only just ties it up so it can die and fall off...

This, OP its the only way

This made my fucking day. Thanks user

FUCKING THANK YOU. HAVE SOME TITS.

Stop playing with your ass hole fag. Seriously stop.

I was home for Christmas break. A Merry Christmas indeed...

Yup, it came back. Don't know if my case is atypical but I think mine has Saiyan blood because its power level is exponentially higher than the first time I defeated it.

If anyone could screenshot the story I'd be much obliged. I've always wanted to be immortalized in OC.

preparation H and eat oatmeal for breakfast. I guarantee you life will improve

>If anyone could screenshot the story I'd be much obliged. I've always wanted to be immortalized in OC.
Working on it now. inb4 some douche posts it to leddit

Eh, in my experience, preparation h is only marginally effective. Soothes the discomfort for a short time, but does little for the swelling and makes you feel like you shit yourself a little and that shit is dwelling between your cheeks.

Yeah, probably a "if you don't get rid of it all it keeps coming back" type of situation.

One time as a naughty kid I was trying to do camming, this way before the new age internet, so practically just showing myself to fat ugly men
In any case one time I wanted to get rid of some of my bush and succesfully cut into my sack with scissors

Needless to say with both that and the hemmorhoid everything you described has brought back full imagery of how a situation like this looks, and how terrible you feel while you do it.

Mah nigga

Include me in the screencap XD

Thank you user, you've been a cautionary tale to us all.

>XD

massage it and don't lift as mutch, time.

Thank you

>Dat filename