ITT funny sex or masturbation stories

ITT funny sex or masturbation stories

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OP here I will start

>Be 18
>Be having sex with gf
>lost virginity to her
>around 4th or 5th time we have had sex
>were doing it doggy
>ohyeah.jpeg
>hear fart sound
>ohshit.jpg
>stopped thrusting and panicked for a second
>all i can think of to say is "that wasn't me"
>quiet for some time
>kept doing it

>mfw i realized it was a queef later on

poor girl i probably scarred her for sometime after that because she never mentioned it

nice dubs

wow what a story mark

>be me
>jack off in garden shed because locked out of house

i did something similar when i was 16

>got drunk
>accidentally locked self out of house
>cant wake up the parents because drunk
>went on side of house
>took shit
>then proceeded to masturbate on the side of the house
>look over and realize my neighbor could be seeing all of this
>not too long after that night he never asked me to watch his dog again

I fucked OP's mother. Shit was cash.

A bit crusty vag though.

wouldnt be the first

but then again maybe you dont have any stories because you are a virgin that only makes your mother jokes on Sup Forums

>be 17.
>drunk and stoned
>walking the mile back to my house from a friends
>somehow get horny
>get idea
>look around
>coastisclear.jpg
>take dick out
>first 1/4 mile i keep it under my shirt
>just kinda bat it around a bit
>dark but street lights
>1/2 way there
>fuckit.gif
>lift up shirt revealing my raging cock
>nervously walk next 1/4 mile jerking it down the road
>fucking diamonds
>cum in an intersection
>let dick air out a bit
>mfw wind on my cock feels so good
>satsified i walk home
>put dick away when almost at my house

and thats the story of how i found out i like exhibitionism

im dating a girl with the same fetish so im fucking diamonds and shes soaked whenever we go out in public.

I got both combined
>be me
>be 17
>Girl that likes me meets me in the city
>We go to the park talk about everything
>She tells me about how her mother caught her spread legs masturbating with an electric tooth brush in the bathroom
>She sits on my lap
>We are both horny
>We decide to go to my school
>Go to girls bathroom
>Finger and lick her, then she gives me a bj
>She does not want me to cum in her mouth so she pulls of her shirt so her dad wont notice the cum on it
>Cum all over her bra, she just pulls the shirt over, we leave

>be 16
>get fucked up on ambien and snort ritalin to stay awake
>take one of my friend's cars fora drive
>wind up in some fast food parking lot for a while
>super fucked up, somehow jacked off
>drove the car to my house maybe hour later
>pass out for 10 hours

I dont think I have the ability to walk and jerk it at the same time

this one time....i didn't have sex for 25 years XD

oh also
>20
>at halloween party
>lot of molly and drinks
>girlfriend blows me on the porch in front of tons of people dressed as amy winehouse

well have you tried? i find out i always get more out of jerkin my yerkin if i do something while i do it. like wash my hair, play a videogame go for a walk, talk on the phone, do the laundry. literally anything so im not focused 100% on flogging my molly. i make it a game like how long can i keep doing this before i cum or lose focus. its a lot of fun.

I have got it going before while playing video games but, I usually just put it on pause and then start going in

heres one that jsut happeend with me and her.
>be close to halloween
>lets do something different
>tell of local legend of haunted bridge
>roads now closed permanently so we can go
>climb over barrier blocking the road
>walk half mile in pitch black to bridge
>wait for it to be midnight
>spoopy.jpg
>have some fun graffitti the place
>go toplace where supposedly lady through baby off bridge
>bend her over the rail
>so wet.
>so good.
>she keeps getting spooked by movement in woods on either side of bridge
>dont blame her we are trespassing and people come here often enough
>tell her not to worry just animals
>believes me cuz shes from the city
>cum in her and all over her
>she is scared and wants to leave
>ok
>walk back to where car is


cont.

>greatidea.jpg
>"WHATS THAT!?"
>she freaks "What!?"
>"I hear someone coming!"
>she freaks the fuck out
>sprints full speed
>trips head first into concrete barrier
>goddammit.
>blood everywhere
>starts vomiting
>fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
>obvious concussion
>pick her up help her walk to car
>cant drive she is throwing up too much
>blood everywhere
>call ambulance
>police come
>try to lie
>doesnt work because we were retarded
>rememebr we spray painted "user and user fucked here on such and such date"
>well fuck
>cops say i better hope shes ok
>take me to station
>think i raped her
>tell me bridge is hobo camp location
>mfw i remember all the movement she heard around the bridge
>takes 6 hours for her to feel good enough to explain her side of the story
>they let me go


thats the story of how i was accused of rape for the 3rd time and how me and my girl put on a show for the homeless


we have a good laugh about it now.

i have a lot of these, should i keep going?

yes

>Be me, 18
>Just ate some edibles an hour before
>Kicking in now
>Never done them before so I'm fucking gone
>Like I could barely stand gone
>Get horny
>Pull out fleshlight
>Get on PC
>Fap away
>Shit feels cash
>Body gets so tired that I just pass out in my chair
>Wake up 2 hours later
>Dick still in fleshlight
>Door unlocked
>10 minutes later my Dad gets home
>mfw if I hadn't woken up right then and there he would've walked into a passed out, dick out, son with rule34 all over his screen

let'r rip

>in front of tons of people dressed as amy winehouse

I've been partying all wrong my entire life.

>tumblr
Fuck off

i'm sayin' man

ight
this is a few years back. same girl (god she's amazing. this is more her story than mine i just participated)
this is in her city
>be right when we first met
>invited to go drinking and meet her friends
>ok i can do this
>start getting shitty drunk
>stat to only pay attention to eachother and ignore her friends
>become THAT couple
>making out for like an hour in the bar
>i'm diamonds and she's an ocean
>step outside where everyone is smoking. i mean like half the bar 15+ people plus the doorman
>her friends are drunk me and her start smoking
>her one dumb friend roman starts talking
>looking around he sees an open window above front door to apartment
>jokingly says i can climb into that
>bs hes like 280 pounds
>my girl looks over and says "I'll do it!"
>starts climbing front door
>holyshit.jpg
>climbs up to window and kinda rolls inside
>she pokes her head out and says there is a drop
>cant stop laughing

>whole bar came out to watch
>looks like a prarie dog popping out the whole
>drops down the 13 or so ft
>i tell her to unlock the door
>hear the tell tale *click*
>door opens and everyones eyes are WIDE
>look around
>alleyesonme.mp4
>too drunk to care
>walk inside and close the door behind me
>walk to thier backyard
>start making out
>she shoves her hand down my pants and starts jerking me off
>i go down and finger her wet slit
>takes my pants off
>gives me a blowjob
>try not to cum
>eat her out and then fuck
>pull out and cum all over someones bike seat.
>its a lot
>glazed donut
>expecting cops to come any secone
>instead when we walk outside whole bar is around the door
>we walk out to cheering
>fucking best feeling ever


so thats the story of my 4th b&e and first time i fucked during one

>be 14
>Super horny
> Walking home from school, bout 4.30pm
> Walking through park en route
> Pull cock out, proceed to go full throttle for the duration of being concealed by trees
>Cum buckets on the grass
> Nailed it
Really enjoy the feeling of my cock being out in the fresh air so do this whenever possible now.
Quality.

when i was 19 i rememba..i was jerking and my mum come to my room...i knew she is there, but i was horny as fuck so i want to finish it...she was starring at me...after i looked to her...she said sorry and leave my room...do you guys think she wanna taste my cum?

How long was she watching?

i dont know...maybe like one minute...i think she didnt know i know she was there...

Possibly. You can try it again with the door unlocked/slightly open if you're feeling that might be the case.
Who knows

this one is quick

>she wants to show me where she went to college
>go to park on her college campus
>sit on bench and talk
>start making out
>start necking giving and getting hickies
>both get super horny
>wonder if we should leave
>its getting late
>still a lot of people outside walking around
>campus police everywehre
>well she wants to charge her phone before she goes
>look around
>on the wall to the library there are little 5 and a half foot concrete dips
>against the wall is an outlet
>well lets charge your phone i say slyly
>plug her phone in and jump down to gutter
>we lay down just to make sure no one can see
>in the clear
>pull her pants of and go to town
>whole time we can here people walkng by only 15 ft away
>here cops go by a few times
>we cum at the same time
>buckets of cum inside her
>did it quick done after 15min
>phone has just enough charge
>jump out and walk back to the car no one was the wiser

>got totally hammered
>picked up a girl at local college bar
>go to her place
>trying to sloppy fuck her with my whisky dick
>need to pee
>stumble to dorm toilet
>forget to pull boxers down and piss all over myself then pull boxers down and piss all over the bathroom
>piss everywhere
>puke in sink
>leave soaked boxers there and go back
>bust a nut
>pick up clothes and vanish
>haha

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I got one.
>be me
>be 14
>just figured out this whole masturbating thing
>share bed with brother all childhood
>one night get really horny
>bro is still awake but user is ballsy
>start fapping slowly
>bro asks wtf is going on
>I say my balls are itching super bad
>continue fapping for like 6 min
>finally nut
>have superpower to hold nut in until orgasm over
>still really horny
>lil bro was like 10-11
>ask him for a favor
>ask him to check if my peepee was swollen
>says no way jose
>eventually convince him too
>puts head under covers to find naked peepee
cont?