Hey there. Modern Jesus is back again. You need any miracles? Just ask

Hey there. Modern Jesus is back again. You need any miracles? Just ask.

Yeah uhh Jebus I got a problem.
Tomorrow I will be buying Pokemon Moon from eb games, how do I not look like a pedo faggot while doing so? Last time I purchased a 'kids game' I got strange looks. plz help jebuz

Modern Jesus pls give me good results for my examinations

>tfw you're white and beardless
You aren't Jesus.

My gamer son, look around you. Pokemon is a part of our modern lives. It is understood and no longer obscure. I bet you're one of hundreds of adults to be buying that game from the store. Even if someday does see you, what of it? They're missing out, because they don't know pokemon. Also you could just dress super business and pretend you're buying it for your Nephew.

CHECK THESE DIGITS !!!!

You do you well, because I know you will work hard

>modern
I shave now

Checked

>tfw Jesus can shave his neighbors because he shaves himself
Truly horrifying.

I've never done it, but at least I'm allowed to

i want dom transgirl GF
halp pls

Look and you will find

Give me the powerball numbers for this saturday my lord

where thou

I've blessed your choice

I'd go to a club if I were you. The tranny kind.

Will I ever have a threesome?

Is my doge gay?

Yes you will.

Will Trump fuck up?

I don't think doges can be

show boipucci

No he won't

I'm not Filthy Frank

Will you make Negan hit himself with lucille? like in the comics, in the TV show?

Are Mormons retards?

doge know to fug
they don't care about what they fug
they just want your nice tight holes

Yes I will. The writers will do it

The ability to travel 5min back into the past, please.

Dear jesus, i made a salad and i realized iam missing mozzarella, canyou give me soe? thx

Pretty much yeah

I'm sorry that's asking too much. But man we all make mistakes

You can find a substitute

oh sweet, sweet jesus, my gf is the best student in her class, she is very constant and intelligent. She studies psychology, but is worried about eams. Make her get the good grades she deserves, already got some pretty good ones, but the most important ones are yet to come.
Thank you sweet sweet jesus
*starts praying while playing Metallica with an electric guitar"

Rock on man she's gonna get the grades she deseves

Which religion is correct?

oh yeah jesus, you've delivered today

Was there a lost civilization before 10,000BC?

In a truth. None of them. Any belief you follow without actually believing, is not the correct religion.

I believe there could have been

Will we all perish by a meteor in the near future?

No we will not

Should we upload human ingenuity to a satellite in case of an extinction? Will we be god then?

Man will never be god, trust me. But we can get close. Let there be no boundry

r u gonna get me the pussy that i desire Jesus?

Can you cure my saggy tits and make them look nice?

Just tell them you know me. Or rather don't. Just get that confidence up and go for it.

There's nothing wrong with them

I didn't ask for advice Jesus. I asked are you gonna get me that pussy I desire?

Sure. You got it

Did you touch me last night?

Is that you in the picture? Is your name Jordan?

Sorry. That wasn't me

I bet you can't change water into wine.

My name is not Jordan

Was OG Jesus black?

I've never tried really. I could just give you some wine if you'd like?

No he was not

Should I keep on thanking you for every touchdown?

It would a nice gesture

Could stoner hippie faggot Jesus put a bullet through his mishapen head and never darken this board with his presence again? Think you can pull off that miracle you waste of organs?

Who's an edgy kitty

You sure look like the Jordan I know, and this is some pretentious shit he would do.

Well, that's not me

Why does your dad hate gays?

He doesn't

Tell me about yourself, oh blessed lord.

He wrote it...

Leviticus 18:22: " Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

Well what do you want to know?

Nah this nigga live in Reno he looks like a fag to me

let me win the powerball

The Bible was written by some old desert men. They hated gays

I'll try my best

What path brought you to us?

Are Burning Man attendees the new old desert people?

Sup Forums needs help

They would do a better job of making a good religion

Why does that call to you?

He came in through the usual canals. :^)

Cause I like Sup Forums. I don't want it becoming more lame

get a haircut and give me dubs
can't? you're not jebus

Not getting a haircut. No dubs for you

Jebus let there be pizza behind my door in 10 minutes

Did you order pizza?

When will WW3 start?

Not anytime soon

give me gf

Sure. Go look for one

Why do you have a Mexican name?

The mexicans stole it from me

I want 10 billion dollars for the end of the day. That would be a fucking miracle

Come back when you're old enough to drink.

You're telling me. That sounds really fun

Why are white people not racists towards animals?

Come back like the second coming?

Different species aren't races

i need some ps4 redeem codes you got any jesus?

Just type in some random numbers

Modern Jesus,
Are you simultaneously collecting a flock in Siberia, in order to perform a humanly task for you?

I know you can be in many places at once, I'm really glad I can finally meet you, I'm just wondering what they are doing in Siberia. I'm glad for what I've been given, thank you. I'm really busy providing for my family here and daughter and granddaughter too. Do I need to take them to join your flock in Siberia or should I go alone, or should I stay here in Ohio which unfortunately contributed to the Trump presidency?