ITT: Confess your crime (shoplifting, murder, etc)

ITT: Confess your crime (shoplifting, murder, etc)

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I got carsick once

I've jaywalked a few times.

I was speeding earlier.

I'm black.

I'm a loss prevention officer. I'd say 90% of thieves are female. And they shove product down their bras, which they know I can't examine.

When I was 18 I Drank alcohol in "public place" with some 2 15-16 yo girls and some guy (probably same age). Some cunt called police, we got caught, avoided serious problems because they all said alcohol bought us some bum

Ok, "officer"

> I can't examine

Because you're gay?

Did 3 years for "masterminding" a robbery (the prosecutions words, not mine). Also grand theft.

do you mean to say some bum bought it for you?
retard

Yeah, that what I meant. I wrote it differently and then changed, it looks I fucked up.

Because it's illegal

i got really i mean REALLY fucked up one night and bought a nickleback CD.

ive never shared this with another living soul.

yeah, keep telling yourself that.

i recorded a football game without the permission of the NFL

Because you have no friends

I jizzed on my sister's face

Child molestation.

good way to get sacked dude

I like to do psychedelics, that's about it.

i shot a man in reno... just to watch him die.

now im stuck in folsom prison

You monster

Yeah and who in their right mind would risk such a lucrative job?

Is this a movie quote?

I fapped at JLaw leaked pictures. Now i'm a rapist

folsom prison blues by Cash
nice trips

Song quote, faggot.

>being this clueless

walked on the grass

I did things to an "underage" girl when I was younger. Thus leading to my self induced lifetime permanent virginity, as punishment.

I am not proud of it. I have thought of suicide years ago but I have come to terms with it.

Certified badass right here

i downloaded a car.

...

My list of offences in rough chronological order:
consumption of cigarettes under the age of 16 (multiple counts)
intercourse with a minor under 16 (multiple counts)
consumption of alcohol under 18 (multiple counts)
shoplifting (multiple counts)
consumption of illegal drugs (multiple counts)

Used to "pen test" freelance when I was younger (14 to 17) and make about $3000 to $5000 a month. Bought my first car when I was 15.

Now I'm a white hat for a unicorn startup with 1.5% equity.

I killed myself

I attempted to murder my grandmother who is a narcissistic manipulative controlling bitch. After her daughter (my mother) passed away she became more and mor controlling, i went more and more off the rails, selling and smoking meth and H, robberies all that shit. My grandpa stopped me (hes an old school gangster from soviet times) he told me he's done it in worse ways than i planned but never to family. I shouldnt have fucking listened we would all be much better off, i cant do it now because im sober now so i dont have the fortitude to deal with the consequences.

i convinced 3 girls my semen tasted like candy, then when they found out that it didn't they stopped talking to me

Consexual sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

I denied a guy his civil rights by not giving him an extra roll of toilet paper.

unless you were in your 30s fucking those yung bitches, that is fucking nothing. i was holding up banks, in the ghetto one could probably call them loan sharks/scam banks, and casually robbing liquor stores by 19-20. ive cooled down a little bit since. the worst thing ive done in a couple years is rob my dealer for over 15k and shot his friend in the gut, idk if he died or not. no remorse.

speeding, ddos, underage drinking, underage sex, underage smoking, shoplifting, stealing, robbery, arson, vandalism, etc

Nice try fbi

...

Greentext, maybe?

-Skateboarding without a helmet >9000x
- Graffiti on federal property x2
- No turn on left x1

Only bad criminals get caught, these were unlucky circumstances, minus the no turn on left. I saw that fucker and did it anyway, I was lost in San Diego and wanted out god dammit!

nah I know my list is pretty much everyone that grew up in the uk.

the biggest age difference for sex one is a 14yr old when I was 18

Shitposting.

i ran a stop sign by accident once :(

You cut your own dick off mate? Poor choice, I fucked a hooker and got HPV and basically plan on never having sex again. I'm 99.9% sure most of the worlds sociopaths have stds and act the way they do because they can't function in normal society.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

Murdered my infant, sent nudes to degenerate boyfriend.

Honestly, just for the shock, I seriously want too but I can't and won't, trust me it was fucking good though. Too many god damn ears and eyes nowdays. I'm on a random open, or easily accessible, wifi and vpn and all that good shit but I just can't say specifics and risk anything.

>>
I bought a book on improvised munitions on a darknet marketplace. Was in russian so it took me awhile to get it sorted. Most of it is old hat that I already have but the gem, ah yeah. Aerosolized HSV and HIV with a drone mountable dispersal system. I have been flying it over public gatherings and sports events for years. Heavily invested in fake "cure" websites that generate millions a month in tax free revenue. Thank you Sup Forums for the idea.

Live lonnnnnggggg and prosper.

I'm kinda hot, so I got away with it.

I have never been convicted of anything. Not even minor traffic stuff.

The most serious thing I've actually done though is minor fraud.

Won't share story because I'm paranoid and I don't trust these threads.

It was only worth about $3k though so nothing worth bragging about anyway.

...

I use to stick up drug dealers when i was younger. Me and my buddy would use pinger and or apps and we would call people who knew a drug dealer. We would get em to a pretty busy area and we would tell them to go to and meet us at specific apartment building or just a normal building. When they take a step into that building we would run to them, tackle them to the ground and spray them with mace and take whatever they got worth anything. One time we did this and i stole the dudes .38, 3 grand and a half ounce of coke. Ive accumulated multiple gold chains, jordans and thousands of dollars this way. Coke dealers are the best targets. I. Never did the drugs, we just stole them to sell. Its sadistic but i loved it. I loved making grown men cry becauae after you hit them with the mace, they think your gonna blow there brains out. They would cry and yell "please dont kill me man!! Please dont kill me! I beg of you!" Do drug wil ever make you feel like that. That rush was better than anything. Those where dark times but thats what happens when you grow up poor and in the city. Your mind isnt fully there and youll do anything to try to support yourself.

...

No. I just, since then, vowed to never touch a woman sexually, I was dumb and sexually frustrated. Like I said it was fucking great but it nearly ruined my life and I realize my mistake and will forever take punishment for my sins. There could be a 10/10 clean stripper paying me to fuck her and I would decline.

I once knocked at my neighbor's door and ran as fast as I could
when he opened teh door , there was nobody xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

kys. if it bothers you that much it must have been pretty fucked. pedo pos. i hope you die cold and alone (one down 1 to go).

i downloaded music off the internet without paying for it.

We caught him boys. We created Sup Forums just for this...just to caught you. now that you confessed our work is done.

right on...
did you fuk them in the butt?

Vandalism, i vandalism my friends 2nd neighbor writing welcome back Mexican.

You look waaaay to old to be hanging out with kids. You look like a well preserved 35yo. those are teens. Get your shit together.

...

Vague descriptions? I understand the paranoia, but lets be real here man.

I'm married to a homicidal dictator who ironically happens to be better than most of his his enemies.


I'm pretty hot too, in a milfy way.

No just stole all there shit. Im not gay. I just knew that no drug dealer would ever tell the police that they got robbed lol.

Looks like a proper bar whore

I lost control of my vehicle on a stormy night and spun out. Was able to keep my car on the road pretty well, but came to a stop slightly bumping into something with the back of my car.

Started up right away and drove away in "panic", since I thought I had hit a small brick wall. Only had some minor bumper / exhaust damage, so wasn't that bad. Next day I drove by the same place and I noticed that a car was parked on that spot, which was pretty busted up on the front side. The police even posted a message out if anyone seen what happened between a 6 hour time frame or something, so I knew I was in the clear.

Never said anything, felt like a dick, but don't really care anymore. It's a criminal offense here to drive away after a crash

Assault & battery against a minor with a kitchen knife. Only served 3 months in a medium security detention facility.

>thank god I wasn't born a nignog

At least I'm well dressed.

I haven't done anything major ever, but i will list all my noticable crimes. When i was 8 i broke into a shitton of rundown or under-construction buildings with my friend, when i was 9 me and my friend broke into a camper and tried to drive away with it (thank god there was no gas). After that i just shoplifted a shitton with my other friend because my best friend moved out of town, now with this other friend we also stole ALOT of telephones and wallets in the school, also basically robbed the school of it's office supplies. After that it was just some shoplifting now and then.

You do you, you.

I forgot this was new/b/

Here is a racy pic I sent to my muderous hubby Bashar.

I've been stealing protein bars from gas stations and supermarkets for the past year. It's addicting.

Casey is a good friend of mine.

sentenced for: possession of knifes, amphetamine, weed, arson. Not sentenced for: distribution of weed, amphetamine. Possession of numerous drugs. Rape. Theft. Aggravated assult.

Your a wild fucker man.

ya don't really DO IT...use a club or bat and make all the noises....pure theatre!

Casey and I like to scissor.

I committed several acts of vandalism on the Croatian community and was under police investigation and it was featured in the Croatian and Serbian media.

I was never caught.

Trespassing twice.

Evenif you are manufacturing aerosolized HIV - which I don't believe - the rate of infection from what you're doing is 0.

I don't know. Maybe you do havea Russian book on homemade weapons but you know nothing about virology.

testing my sex webcam please: webcam4.ml

I got caught driving drunk.

no fucking way

sort of a crime but not really
always lived in shitty neighborhoods, carried a knife for protection for years
stabbed a native who tried to jump me, left him bleeding and walked away
stashed the knife in a bag of concrete and resealed it, and lied to the police when they asked around the neighborhood
I've also drank underage, smoked the maryjeweena and dine and dashed once or twice

Every time I go into a coffee shop I steal a couple of sugar packets, sometimes if I'm feeling extra brave I steal sauce sachets from fast food restaurants

If there was a way to describe what happened, you would probably blow 1000 loads too, with 100% certainty that I would be safe, I would. Sure I could take my backup laptop too a public wifi, book a hotel beforehand and develop an alibi, tell the story (maybe pics), destroy the laptop, and I would have a grand old time.

This is the first time I've even mentioned it in like 4 years. Idk.

You've seen my picture before.

statutory rape countless times with about 10 different girls

Alas, 'tis true.

Can't make this shit up.

Tore the label off my mattress.