/swg/ song writing general

post lyrics/melodies get critique/give feedback to others!

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youtube.com/watch?v=gx10O2HKTYM
clyp.it/oyrreu3y
clyp.it/5ib3ibrt
vocaroo.com/i/s1h6C3Vv7eyh
vocaroo.com/i/s07bmkPvBmjM
clyp.it/0st0qfes?token=a0e2ffdca1762f7f9f98b8a5e339bbd1
clyp.it/u5mmba0v
vocaroo.com/i/s1cfqGhH7nc3
vocaroo.com/i/s1mdgMaCprZy
twitter.com/SFWRedditVideos

Why so you can freakin steal them Ringo?

yes obv

Fuckkng this. Hell no OP. No one stealing my stuff. And I'm too embarrassed to post anyway

youtube.com/watch?v=gx10O2HKTYM

I've been working on this track thing for a few weeks now. How does it sound compositionally? Any suggestions. I haven't begun to mix it or replace the midi with real instruments. I also, God willing, want to replace the brass section with a vocalists and lyrics. Sorry for the poor audio quality.

For guitar:
0-2-4-0-0-0 - Em9
x-2-2-0-0-0 - Em
x-0-2-2-1-0 - Am
x-0-2-2-3-0 - Asus4
x-0-2-2-0-0 - Asus2
3-2-2-x-3-3 - Em7
3-3-2-4-x-x - CM7
2-1-0-0-3-x - Gm,M7
x-0-2-0-1-0 - Am7
Solo over Am7 with A Dorian mode, D Maj7 arpeggio or A aeolian scale.

Interpret this how you want, just an idea I quickly came up with.

Here's my autistic blurb about being sad

sadness comes and change
brings the thought of happiness
but you can't stay forever
when it's no good
why carry on to the dead end
i'm not happy and i want to be alone
it was fun but now i'm done
and ready to move on

It sounds fine compositionally but you could make it less predictable by adding in a grand piano at 1:30 playing triplets here and there, then you can ascend with the major scale into the chorus at 1:44-45.

>adding in a grand piano at 1:30 playing triplets here and there
interesting. i'll try it out. thanks a lot.

A stupid boy at best
But flesh and bone just like the rest
I wish I would've said to you
Three words stuck in my chest
I've come to trust my heart was good
And these hands were fine to hold
You and all these dreams of mine
In a story we never told

Bump

I prefer my sad songs to be from the POV of another person even though the singes clearly singing about themselves. adds more variety for the music.

Has a pre-60s sound, I guess, girlfriend enjoys it

Oh I dont want you
I need you
To figure you out
I'm being honest
I promise
To be what you bout
Come over closer
I'll shoulder
Your hips in the crowd
So you can reach up
And preach up
God taking you out

Look at me baby (look here)
This here's my lady (sweet dear)
She drive me wild (no fear)
I drive her crazy, zero to eighty
And I'm a child (wide eye)
When she around (no lie)
Feet to the ground (soul spy)
Heart in the cloud, head high like loud
You make me proud (Yoda)
Make me end loud! (Coda)
She like a potion (Cola)
She never pout, I ate her doubt
Bedtime commotion (warrant)
Dance like it war win (pouring)
Love stormy ocean (torrent)
Hardened like pit, I barely fit

bump

...

I–V–vi–IV
What do we think lads?

Always dank

is this meant to include composition for instrumental sake rather than music with intent to sing?

i just want to see if you like my little (almost 4 minute) mathy riff thing

Some lyrics:

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
On aroma and clothes
Fabric and dyes

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
On grandeur and style
Making the poor rich smile

You could have run wild
On the backstreets of Lyon or Marseille
Reckless and legless and stoned
Impregnating women
Or kissing mad street boys from Napoli
Who couldn't even write their own name

Christian Dior
You wasted your life
Sensually stroking the weaves of a sleeve.

You could have run wild
On the backstreets of Lyon or Marseille
Reckless and legless and stoned
Impregnating women
Or kissing mad street boys from Napoli
Who couldn't even spell their own name

Oh, Christian Dior
Oh, Christian Dior

When you look at me
Failure is all that you see
I discipline my days just like Christian Dior

I could've run loudly and proudly
Or forcible entry
Morally bankrupt
And never non-violent
And drawn to what scares me
And scared of what bores me
Years alone will never be returned.

Christian Dior
Lyonise maverick, ah
Design if you can, ah
The way to just be a man, ah
To just be a man, ah

Christian Dior

It's for all songwriting I presume.

Post anything lad

Mfw dono wutda FUQ that is

it's not a song if it's not sung though.

posting anyway b/c maybe someone will steal it and put it to better use

clyp.it/oyrreu3y

it's sung from your soul. also i really like this.

actually pretty good. Have you recorded these?

In the fall of 2016 I was institutionalized for posing too many questions
Drinking vodka on Sundays, posturing my imperfections
Slowly walking down stairwells, northwest of the wall
You built to crumble but never to actually fall
As you learned, to fake your way to marriage he kneeled down by your side and took your ring finger
Within days your marriage was annulled, in favor of hard liquor

That's a neat C m7 voicing I'd never thought of. Totally stealing. Thanks fampai.

what type of music are theses for? context would help with critiquing.

I can't tell whether this sucks or not, it's kinda vague and I'm def not sold on the second verse but what do you guys think? (I've written way better lyrics than this but these are the most recent) It would be a pop punk/emo song:

First I told it like an anecdote
Then I told it like a warning
About the girl in the darkened room
In my last hour at the party
We made plans that fell through
I wasn’t looking for something new
Still hung up on the last song I wrote
And the girl I wrote it to

And I can’t help feeling like I’ve written this one before

First I saw it as coincidence
Then I saw it as a sign
When I first saw your face on my screen
And you words hit my eyes
We started fast, said we'd take it slow
Wished we'd had the chance a month ago
Instead we let distance cover our
Intentions up with snow

How do I write brown shit like Ween?

David Berman? is that u

idk

>tfw computers took my songwriting job

rip user's career
F

how?

Lines for the opening track of a rock opera I've been outlining about a year now. Thoughts on how this seems as an introduction to the thematics? All I'll say is it's about being lost in dream worlds while trying to live in reality. I'm not too worried about posting this cuz even if someone takes from it, it'll never equal out to the 7 albums of work I'm making with it:
(Bloom)

His mind buried in dirt.
A vicarious flirt.
A firmament
Dripping,
Quenching his thirst.

Luminescent sun.
Serendipitous moon.
'Child', they say, 'soon
you will know
why you are moved.'

His head understands
They speak for his plans.
While his body knows,
Steadily,
It grows by their words.

Yet neither realize
It was spoken
To a moment in time.

For every petal on flow-
ers in bloom,
Wilt, wither, and waste.
Yet bloom anew, as flow-
er buds do,
Other faces for other days

Stop trying to write like some discount poet.

>7 albums
woah dude. going for that coheed and cambria thing?

here's a progression/melody i came up with today what do y'all think, pretty rough but i wanted to get it recorded before i forgot it
clyp.it/5ib3ibrt
lyrics are still in their initial stages and something i'll have to put time into developing, also will prob change to a more comfortable key for me to sing in and really just practice singing more in general. Idk I'm still getting used to writing lyrics and singing but it's pretty fun desu

These hoes i gotta catch em all i capture them and master them just like the pokemon im dropping the fire the skills i need to go evolve y'all still need a bike but now im cruising in the cars i feel like snorelax how i been popping the bars slow bro for a second we them team rocket stars blasting in yo girl face muk devolved

It's not like I'm going to write every song like that. Only the introductory tracks, interludes, and other moments when the narrator talks over the MC.

Kinda. I'd honestly say a bit more like The Dear Hunter, given that theirs is also a rock opera and really inspired me, and theirs was 5 albums.

vocaroo.com/i/s1h6C3Vv7eyh

My version of the pokemon rap

But if you record it and post it somewhere then you have timestamped proof that it's yours

idc if people steal my songs because i dont have the ambition to do anything with them anyway

Obviously this is very unfinished, and the lyrics don't really connect well yet, but just wanna know if I should scrap the idea or not. I always get way too backed up with a bunch of small unfinished bits like this.

vocaroo.com/i/s07bmkPvBmjM

Not a bad start, I quite liked the guitar work around 3/4ths of the way in. Overall I think that kind of progression and melody doesn't lend itself well to sparser acoustic stuff, but if you're gonna work it into some larger arrangement I think it could work. Also, your singing in the upper parts of your register definitely need work but I suppose you realize that.

Nice voice

demo I made to send to my band, lyrics are a philosophical ramble

basically human says to android "how can I know if you're really conscious?" then android is like "wait fuck you, how do I know YOU are really conscious?"


clyp.it/0st0qfes?token=a0e2ffdca1762f7f9f98b8a5e339bbd1

This is awesome don't scrap it.

>vocaroo.com/i/s07bmkPvBmjM
i liked this a lot actually gj user

Fairly same-y, but overall there's potential here. I like your melodic sensibility, you just need to do more with it I think to make it stand out. I really don't like the transition to the third chord, is it a minor 3? I think it comes across as really jarring and doesn't jibe with what is otherwise a very poppy sensibility. I would play with a different chord, or at least a different voicing on this one.

These sound more like lyrics to a lil yachty song than pre-60's to me. If you want to chase that pre-60's style i would make it a little more coherent; pop lyrics back then were cliched and simple, but rarely as abstract and nonsensical as some of the lines you've got here

sometimes for shits and giggles i'll write songs in the style of other established artists as a sort of exercise

here's a modest mouse one

you know im still sober
Cuz i couldnt take the high
But we’re all looking for a little
Comfort in our lives and the
Single life aint worth it yeah
Id like a couple more
Aint never gonna understand the
Things we got in store
and you know i went left
Cuz i thought that it was right
But it ruined all my plans and it
Punched out all my lights and the
DOGS and the CATS and the
MOON and the STARS are
Runnin round the earth cuz there
Isnt life on mars
oh damn it all
Damn it all
Damn it all to hell and
Back again
Im no doctor and
Im no priest
And i know goodness and
I know grief
And i know sodom and
Yeah thats neat but
Reading some old book aint gonna
Get you no relief

why 7 exactly?

this doesn't really make any sense to me. like it seems sort of faux-high-minded, needlessly purple without any clear meaning. Not trying to be a dick, but I would work on more clearly expressing your themes and maybe edit certain awkward lines like "his head understands they speak for his plans" to flow more smoothly

Can someone help me loop this and rap over it?

clyp.it/u5mmba0v

When I get bored I like to think of song titles
>floating through my life
>i will change (he says for the 20th time)
> im always alright
>drive the nail home
and some of the funnier ones
>jerking off to cartoon monster girls
>support your local patriarchy
>oppressong minorities because im bored and its funny

it's not amazing but if you're going for a pop punk/emo vibe i think that you nailed it. I'm actually a big fan of those genres, and i think you don't have to write pulitzer poetry to write good lyrics for them. lines i don't like as much: "when i first saw your face on my screen and your words hit my eyes" but other than that fairly solid for the genre.

I've been getting mixed signals for the past couple of weeks now
Why don't you tell me how you feel
I've let you know what I think about you
And my feeling are only going away
Bflat7-D7-G7-F7

come on man don't just rip off the single greatest opener of all time

Well, 7 full lengths and a final closing album. Each album will represent a state of mind influencing the MC's perceived reality for the piece. They mark each major step in understanding his dissociation between reality and his delusions, growing more and more overwhelming as he confronts his "death". There are also thematics around the color spectrum and the virtues and vices, which each have seven tiers across the three of them. And there's even a specific reason for why the 8th piece isn't a part of the whole 7 primary acts, but I've already said plenty.

lmao i thought the same thing

Thanks fellas, I'll keep on it, it's just hard to gauge what's worth keeping sometimes.

Here's a song that's more or less completed (as far as the writing goes) that I'd like to get some thoughts on too.

vocaroo.com/i/s1cfqGhH7nc3

Sorry for the mistakes every once in a while, I'm not good enough to play the guitar parts I write.

>And there's even a specific reason for why the 8th piece isn't a part of the whole 7 primary acts, but I've already said plenty.
don't blue ball us nigga

the 8th piece isn't part of the 7 primary acts because it's actually a collection of nine concept EP's each based around a unique color

gay

that's autistic. would like to see it. good luck.

critique welcome

vocaroo.com/i/s1mdgMaCprZy

this reminds me of Todd's rock opera on Bojack. in seriousness, I feel like you're being way way way too ambitious from the get-go. Get to the point where you can comfortably write good and simple songs before you start trying to write 7 album rock operas.

I can't. To explain the 8th piece I would have to start telling what it's all really going to be about on the actual story level. And after putting a year of work into this, and not foreseeing any sort of real completion for another few years, I'm not going to start dumping plot points. Though I will say that if I ever do finish this and begin releasing them, the 8piece would be a surprise release along with 7th act-- it wouldn't be expected, and would be like a big reveal which pulls the one last string of the stories that ties them all together perfectly.

I'm not a confident person, but I always get excited thinking about it because I know it's gonna be a really amazing ending. You know? When you know you've got a piece of gold? I just can't bring myself to say it. Sorry for the blue bliss though man.

have you written any songs that aren't part of the rock opera that you could share to give some indication of the skill level you're currently working with?

Oh yeah, believe me I'm not trying to tackle it all at once. But I've been writing my whole life, and the lyrical aspects aren't the overwhelming thing to me. It's going to be getting the funds and people together to produce, write, and perform the actual instrumentals. Because, of course it's going to be a rock piece, but with scores of orchestral influence and thematics. I can hear a lot of it in my head and know how I want nearly all of it to lay out, as far down as the song level. I've just got to get it out of my head and in paper.

you're in luck, m8

No, to be honest I primarily write short stories and I'm working on a novel as well. I study poetry a lot, though I don't write it (very) seriously. Right now all the songs are outlined almost like a screen play outline (this isn't anything, just showing the general layout--I.e. intro progression of bass (guitar, standing, drum) fading into crash. fade in -piano- winds, -forte-, followed by brass, -crescendo-, before overcut by band-lyrical imagery and thoughts, under lying progression of full band, -forte-, accompanied by winds and brass--so on and so forth)

lmao you guys all got the reference to Random Rules I see.
It is meant to be more of a reference. The song is indie pop and really different

Fantastic album, definitely another major influence on this. Though this is different, this explores all the music genres and segments them into the colors and emotions that they feel best represent them. Definitely music for musicians and writers. If you've got some time (a few hours, 2 and change I believe) give it a listen.

I would seriously suggest honing your songwriting skills with simpler songs and one-off exercises before you try to tackle this big of a project, or else your inexperience will almost certainly show

thanks man, ya i definitely plan on filing out the arrangement and working on my singing for sure
thank you

Definitely not saying that's bad advice. Believe me, why do you think I don't expect to finish -writing- for a few years, let alone recording, producing and performing. I'm always looking for advice from people I know who write music (not much though, they aren't very good)and studying songs I like in depth to get a good feeling for their construction. But I grasp meter and verse alright, I believe. I don't have a song, but here's a bit of verse I wrote a little while ago to give you an idea. Not quite lyric, but:

Drumsticks matched with matchsticks
drum erupting snares of embers.
Alternating and pulsating
orbs of rhythmic fires
conjure bursting storms of sparks
becoming twisters dancing spirals.

Summon me my will to be,
You frantic beating meter!
Tell me now, Hephaestus, how
Dionysus helps me neither!
This blazing pounding scares me not
of burning bloody ether.
Chaos born was Eros,
surely so could we together.

Twisting body-coals ablaze,
my thoughts can see no other.
Exhausted, forging hammers stay
and fires start to smother.
Cooling off, though not all froze,
my mind returns to me.
I strike a match and light a bone as
ash falls to a glowing screen.

last 4 lines are the only decent ones.

hey i sent some feedback so i'd appreciate some here

Pardon the bar markings, and the weird punctuation/parentheticals in places. It's for my own spacing things rhythmically. If anyone is interested in hearing the beat it's to be rapped over, just say so.
9]| The girl of my dreams| changed|, the night I skipped sane| pills|, the night I figured out the key to dream lucidity.

11]| I learned| how to fly, and how to move anything tele-kinetically, and how to adopt and talk to manatees.

13]| A pale and cleopatran catgirl skated circles on the open ice of my old schools cafegymitorilobby.

15]| A place lucidly known to be made by only me, yet I'm glad I knew that the only one controlling the girl was she.
(piano)
17]| Familiar eyes| ... fur makes the lines... But, appointed fiction... made any form of diction... not easy.

19]| Peripherally there was nothing left but her, and I approached with tenacity I had never felt amass in me.

21]| She knew full of her scent and mine and what we did to we, and gazed at me as if we weren't both moving so distractedly.

23]| She asked me who I was, and 'fore I was standing on ice, I fell, avoiding gaze, and said, "An asshole apparently."

25]| To get the permission to find out what entails| being one with a tailed| girl with just hair where human ears should be.

27]| To swallow your throat in, excitedly frightened, the girl losing her mind as you clutch where her real ears are's enlightening.

29]| I gave away that I'm a god when I'm clever, after that we were together, and when our bodies severed, agony.

31]| I tasted her mouth and it tasted like memory of a thing only dared of me or perhaps repressed and forced on me.

33] Be|fore then it was simple... I'd recall very little. But I knew when it when would get ridiculous I would just call in nukes.

35] I|Accidentally thought of it, and looked around for it, and couldn't warn her before needing to kinda make some dimensional soup.

(cont.)

I think it's strange you picked the four lines that fall out of meter as the best four. Because it's modernist and the rest is traditionalist? I feel like I should state the obvious: I don't always write like that. I rarely do, actually. I'm not going to be writing my albums and sprinkling in all sorts of classical language and Grecian god references, I'm not that pretentious.

(cont.)

piano)
37]| Her ears rightfully pointed backward in decline- as she knew she should've died and was instead floating in regular space.

39]| I looked the girl, in the slanted pupils of her eyes, and told her why we didn't just die, and saw terror transforming her face.
(zel)
41]| I swallowed my throat and despite being frightened, nearly losing her mind, I made her assured that her thoughts were only hers.

43]| My face alight with fear for her clarification, understanding changed her face, and now I can't forget embracing...

45]For we did a lot of quick traveling where my thought's would unravel and never before have I been as scared for not just myself.

47]| But by the time I felt lucidity escaping, I should have woken up in a bed, and in this new world I was enveloped.

(more cont.)

(more cont.)

(yokohero)
49]| My sight went white to bright to not where expected, a princess sobbing, and peasants sharing what remained of strength of their souls.

51]| Some kind of excuse was needed to keep my head from retreating, and in a world she made herself, her wish was treasured the most.

53]| Obvious eyes... my first 'her' in disguise... and she'll be more than confused when she feels like I called her out on a dream.

55]| We shared the gypsy's syndrome of wanting no kingdom, so the throne room gets distorted when two lucid minds are trying to leave.
(mass bass)
57]| Her soul was stripped of it's limits with time and space; she didn't start anthropomorphic but never the less collided with me.

59]| Her one attempt to stop me leaving made reality fluid; and our abilities stupidly blew out more than logic breathes.
(bass droom)
61]| To think you've finally blown your top because a presence clutching tightly shouldn't be among reality and riding it.

63]| To treasure that oneness despite being frightened, her spine will arch tightly as you master the ears you had some practice with.
(the last)
65]| To think the hand across your cheek and loving look is contradictory to hearing her say "Don't you dare keep looking for me."

67]| It sucks we could've raised a thing that ruled the planet but... to wake up twice forgetting how the soundtrack went is just.

i think your style is a little "much". I think your adherence to rhyme in both this sample and your lyrical samples hinders your ability to write natural-sounding lyrics. In both, for me personally, it's unclear what exactly you're trying to say/what it's about, but I recognize that my taste in lyrics is not the same as everyone elses. Point being, I think you could write better by striking a more natural balance between literary or high-minded verse and thematic clarity and natural feel.

oh dang...
the very end of that is supposed to have an ellipses, for reasons

No, you're totally right I don't disagree with you. But I suppose I've given two bad samples (sounds convenient, I know) of how the writing will be because one, like I said before, those particular lines I posted are of the narrator of the story, and won't represent the voice of the MC; and two that bit of verse I posted is intentionally grandiose (the piece is about addiction and, specifically, the idea of feeling intense passion and love towards someone's picture online who you'll never meet or know), which is why it comes off as "much". Not to sound conceited, but I love art, and I'm pretty good at being aware of the medium I'm using to express whatever idea I'm to to express.

But great advice, and thanks a lot for talking with me and giving me pointers. Never apologize for advice just because it's your opinion, that's what 90% of advice is. Really helped me want to work on it now, and I am as we speak.

I saw old Francis shoot his gun/at a lion there, right in the sun
Tell me the story of your life/ of the misery caused by your wife
Should your position/ pass to me/ and peace is denied at/ your expense

You've had a short and happy life

Blood and fame/ are in a fine demand/ heartless/ gun in hand
I think it's time for you to move on/ like this confrontation is done
Should your condition/ pass to me/ and peace is denied in your affairs

You've had a short and happy life

man classic Sup Forums thread, a few anons giving a lot of feedback and everyone else just sitting around and asking for it. like at least give a little back if you want some yourself

If felt I could give decent advice, I would. There's always going to be a 2:1 ratio of advice needed to advice given because there are just always more people who need help than can give it. That's probably no more true anywhere else than this fuckhole place.

>used to
>every visit
>any Sup Forums thread
>17+ people I'd feedback/recc had absolutely nothing to say about what i linked or posted

I would love that idea of yours, but people get done having a lot to say for not even a "thx m8"

Whenever i post something i give out feedback and return others but i purposely never attach it to whatever i posted desu

yeah same, but i wish even people who weren't that skilled at criticism would just offer like an "i like this" or "i don't like this" just to offer some kind of general barometer at least

Because most of us aren't good at giving advice outside of what we know. I'm terrible at lyrics but I try giving my opinion. But I can't give a nuanced answer about something I don't know much about. I'm assuming that's how others are too. But I still responded to like 10 posts.

I'm hoping when I add vocals, that it will fix the same-yness issue. You're talking about the piano right? The main chord progression is g major f major g major (different voicing) and a minor all arpeggiated. When the bass comes in the third chord becomes gmajor in first inversion (g major over b). Do you think it's the chord that sounds jarring or the rhythm for the arpeggiation on that chord? I'm not used to writing in 3/4. Thank you a lot for the feedback.

yeah no problem. I think part of the issue is that the voicing of the g major first inversion makes it feel a little weird, either because of the arpeggiation or the voicing. I also feel like the transition from I to flat VII back to I again and then into ii leaves it feeling kind of, idk, blocky? If you feel comfortable experimenting with different voicings or potentially slightly different chords I would recommend that, it just sounds a little choppy as is.

Fooling around with it a little bit, I found that maybe turning that g maj first inversion into an e min second inversion felt it flow better, and then the e minor second inversion can step right down and become the a minor chord root position and it all kind of flows a little neater. I don't mean to meddle too much, it's your piece, but that's my 2 cents.

Spiritual desire
Intellectual relations
Stream of desorganize thoughts
The far reachs of my mind well guarded
The intricate thruth of perception
Is the real estate of apathy
Always repeating the same actions
The derrail me from the path of reality
Melting in the universe magma
Losing my identity
This is my riot shout
About the habitants of the external world

if this is for real, I would seriously recommend A. some editing, like basic spellcheck kind of editing, and B. a lot more time spent

>I found that maybe turning that g maj first inversion into an e min second inversion felt it flow better, and then the e minor second inversion can step right down and become the a minor chord root position and it all kind of flows a little neater.
That's really cool. I'll grab my bass in the morning and try it out.
>I also feel like the transition from I to flat VII back to I again and then into ii leaves it feeling kind of, idk, blocky?
It's actually in mixolydian (for the most part) so it's V IV V(first inversion) vi. It's funny you mentioned that it's blocky because that's always been my issue when writing. I make the chords before the melody out of habit so most of my stuff comes out that way. I really like the second inversion e minor thing. Thanks again man. Appreciate it.