Hey Sup Forums, it's Satan

Hey Sup Forums, it's Satan.

Ask me anything.

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youtube.com/watch?v=O-P2FDonr2I
youtube.com/watch?v=5IOj3OpmaL0
youtu.be/aOcU-PysSJ0
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Why wasn't your post this?

how can you be him
when im the satans?

look man im not a god dude gimme a break

Tough question.

How close did they get with you in the show Lucifer?

Satan sir,
what are your thoughts on the cancer that is Winter-Faggots?

Did you like the story?

Do u like girls with big cocks Lord Satan?

It was a decent adaption. Personally I like to think I'm a more chill dude myself, but hey. We can't have everything.

They're a pain in the ass.

Kinda.

Who doesn't

Wheres waldo?

am I going to hell?

youtube.com/watch?v=O-P2FDonr2I
Do you like this video Satan
.

Because that's some bitch who's lording over someone because her friends and family are a bunch of fuckin faggots.
Satan's a woman, but not some dirt bag low life ass bitch who can't just walk the fuck away from a relationship and has to keep fuckin with the dude for years on end just because she can.

You wish you were me, faggot.

Who cares that guys a faggot

Probably.

What the fuck is this

I really don't have time for faggotry rn

Why did you make me sexually attracted to farm animals

Ey yo, why are my summoning spells for Beezlebub and Azaroth not working, fam?

They on vacation or what?

because it's funny

People do this summoning shit all the time.
Dude, get the message. It's all shit. Doesn't work. Just hit them up on snapchat or something idk

Sheit, I thought you niggas loved candles. Also Marax and Ipos had no problems coming over. Generals too big to fuck with the common man?

Why does by penis skin have more crease as you approach the scrotum and around the head than it does at the base of the shaft? Is it so that when you are sexing a girl it forms a perfect seal preventing poop from falling out and attracting predators?

I suppose so. They only fuck with real af niggas rn, like dudes with lots of cash. Once you're a big name you can't really just go to every summoning.

Beezlebub' a dick anyway tbh

Ask god dude that ain't me

I get it, shit to do, people to corrupt.

But I thought you invented evolution

Yeah you get it. You have to prioritise the bigger names with the bigger wallets, if ya feel me

Trips

Yeah no, don't ask me, ask your dumb ass parents why you're so fuckin stupid.

whats your second name?

I wish I did. Evolution is cool though. Not real, but it's a nifty idea

Why am I so fucking stupid

Why can't I stop getting dubs?

My homies call me Lucy

You seemed like kind of a fag, what can I say

Satan wills it.

How do I resist my filthy dark desires for fondling moist kitchen appliances?

I'm not your parents kid.

...

Just do it. I don't care you're going to hell anyway for that thing you did last month

Um who the fuck are you

where the fuck is my self replenishing bottle of rum?
the deal was i would bring you 9001 souls in exchange for immortality and a self replenishing bottle of rum.

9500, moron. Were you even listening?

Some guy on drugs.

My asshole was itching so I scratched it through my boxers but it got gritty anyways and I wiped it off on my mousepad but then I forgot and picked my nose (real squishy in there) and now all I can smell is shitty asshole which would be a lot worse if I actually breathed through my nose but basically I shot some olive oil up there and now I can't stop sneezing please kill my stepdad

I'll try my dude

fuck, sorry about the mistake.
its been 30 years, bound to fuck up.
ill have the remaining 499 souls in 5 months.

Oh shit waddup

It's me jesus

Dads looking for you

Satan you're not in the house.

SSSSHHHH
>Damnit

Do you love us?

Tell him I'm playing golf or something I don't want to talk to that cunt right now

Sweet see you then

The fuck did you just say?

You're on Sup Forums, of course the devil loves you

How much is my soul worth and can I sell it to you right here right now?

I love you too!

we're still up for watching every movie ever in 2999 right?

No thanks, already have a surplus of souls atm. Get back to me soon though and I'll see what we can do

Fuck yeah my nigga

What's it like in hell?

Ken Ashburn's Jewish agenda is Turing [sic] me into a furry please turn me into a goatman with the penis of six gorillas

It's pretty chill. We got some real niggas up here - Hitler, my boy Nixon, the homie ER the supreme gentleman. We even got Chipotle a few weeks ago it's fuckin ace

Yeah no thanks dude that's fucking weird

sweet.
and could you tell beelzebub to stop shitting in my microwave, no idea how he sneaks in my place without me knowing

Can you come to my house and tell my mother I'm not you so she'll quit belting me in the teeth or at least make her take the buckle off I don't even fucking care

Satan you're nowhere

We talked about this man there's only so much I can do

I'll try, but he's real hard to get a hold of these days. Especially with this Montana congressional run

Say that shit to my face motherfucker

Satan. I'm your father
youtube.com/watch?v=5IOj3OpmaL0

...

Simpler times....

where is di daughter?

The dry air's given me a terminal case of crocodile dick so masturbation feels like jerking off an armadillo. Now blood squirts out from a thin crack in my dickhole painting my mattress crimson which gives me about fifteen minutes to jerk off before I get lightheaded so can you make my internet faster so I at least have a fucking chance of getting off before I become anemic thanks

youtu.be/aOcU-PysSJ0

Eat shit you hippie faggot
'Oh look at me with my miracles'
'Oh look water into wine'
Shut your dumb ass up

Sorry, we only have reality TV down here so idk what that is

i wish I could speed up your internet but we still have dial up so sorry buddy

Behind the sofa? Idk man why are you asking me this shit

thanks man. and i know he's rushing about, he left skid marks last time.
anyway, if you need anything you know i'm willing to help.
oh and the netflix password was changed by uriel,
its now "Michael1sAsatyr" fuck knows why they changed it.

Would you be willing to check 'em?

Thanks dude, that shits been bugging me all week

Don't forget walking on water and healing the blind, that a hell of a lot better than being the most beautiful.

...

Vain little shit.

damn

Is there weed in hell?

i know, they only told me 3 hours ago after i took their wings away.
you should really put some sort of protection on that shit, stop them from fucking it up again.

i gotta start getting souls.
ttyl sam

nicceee

No fucking shit there's weed in hell

Ay cya my dude

oh please, call me gasmask
or something like that
(no idea why i used squirrels in this thread)

Shit weed, the good shits up top, but we don't even smoke it, there's so much we have whole houses we just throw it in the fireplace in and just hang out.
Ever wonder why Heaven's above the clouds?

>"God?" I managed to squeeze out between raggedy breaths.

>I had never been very religious but in my delirium, that was my first thought. I remember the sky and the taste of blood before my eyes opened to pure brightness. I couldn't make out any detail but the light seemed to emanate from a winged, human-like figure. Were those horns or was it a halo? It all became blurry as tears welled up in my burning eyes. Even closed, I could see the figure seared blue-green into my eyelids.

>Peals of thunder exploded in my brain, one after another like machine gun fire. It sounded vaguely like laughter. It wasn't a voice that responded but my body. It felt like invisible hands had gripped my ribs, my heart and stomach. Overwhelming nausea washed over me and I screamed as my body convulsed with pain.

>"NO!"

>All at once the pain stopped. It seemed I had answered my own question. I remained quiet, fearful that any further probing would result in more physical anguish. After some time a voice spoke out.

>"You disappoint me. He was wrong about so many things. And yet right about others."

>I was terrified but eventually curiosity overcame the memory of pain.

>"Who are you?" I asked timidly.

>"He was the Creator but I gave you knowledge. I have been called deceiver and antagonist. I believe that these days you call me -"

>"Lucifer," it came out of my mouth as a whisper.

>"Indeed." The voice responded.

>For a moment I thought I was in hell. There was nothing here except for brightness. I could feel the presence but the human-like figure had gone. Perhaps I had just imagined it.

>I simply sat there for some time. It felt like centuries at the time but looking back now it was only a few moments before I became restless.

>"What am I supposed to do?"

>The voice responded for the last time, "Do as you will."

>So I did.

>There was something special about this place in the early days. Everything was malleable. At first the silliest things please you. I've lived multiple lifetimes as James Bond, I became the world's greatest rockstar and a pro-athlete sometimes all at the same time. Of course, I've slept with literally millions of women. Men too. I've tried it all. From the sickest and most twisted, fastest and reckless to thousands of lazy, hazy Sundays. BBQs with family on sunny days to walking on the moon and slaying Ctulhu of the Deep.

>None of that interests me anymore. I did not want to be the star anymore, so I became the director. I built my own universe from scratch. I created servants that would unflinchingly carry out my will and sing my praises eternally. I made a world and watched it grow but even that lost it's lustre.

>In the end, there was only one thing left to do. I created my equal. And it was good. For the first time in a very long time I don't know what is going to happen. I see him ahead, my broken servants at his feet. And now he comes for me.

>Lucifer watched on. He had witnessed the same thing innumerable times before. They were all the same. Man and God fell prey to the same errors. Lucifer could not understand why the Lord had favoured them so. The tests would go on.

Why are you going back on our deal

I am a being of unfathomable and endless sadness. The mere viewing of my words has planted a seed of despair within you. It will continue to grow until you are consumed by the darkness of your thoughts. There is no more joy in your future. You may not notice it now, but when the seed finally blooms you will remember this encounter. Removing the seed is impossible. This is my curse, and now it is yours.

However. As is custom of this place. If you are capable of rolling trips in this thread I will free you of this fate. If you roll quads everyone will be saved. Quint and I will not meddle in your realm for five years.

what

Because it's fuckin gay

Hey Satan. Why can't I sex my gf better? lmk thx

Who are the children Satan? The children who roam my house at night? I hear them running up the stairs and down the hall,
I hear their laughs and gibbers in the walls. I see their eyes glint through the ceiling vent, I hear their murmurs when daylights spent. They crowd 'round my bed as I slumber to whisper in my ear, to warn me of friends and family who I may have cause to fear. And when daylight breaks their gaunt forms scatter into closets and and behind chairs, and though golden light fills the room leave my bed I do not dare. Because I see them waiting there.

I taught you everything YOU know, not everything I know.

Leak your teacher or even your sister lol - snap leak .cf check the image

So by breaching contract you lose my gratitude you do realize this
Is because of iblis

Jokes on you faggot, I'm already dead inside

no fuck off

Because you aren't attracted to women, silly

Idk LOL

Why did you try to kill my man James Brown?

Nah, I don't think that's the issue.

Not enough blacks in hell tbh.

Ah then idk man, ask your doctor

Iblis? Who gives a fuck about iblis he's a buzzkill

No, that is the problem, trust me.

Fucking lamest Satan ever h doesn't even give funny replies he says like two things and doesn't even say them satany man give me that god old-time satan who'd impregnate you daughter with a maneating calf and tip the cops off to your hentai stash

What? Do I have to be fucking funny now?
This is a QNA, not a fucking standup routine you ungrateful little shit.