ITT: we're in a state farm office

ITT: we're in a state farm office

*goes to bathroom to 'take a dump' for 20 minutes but is actually browsing Sup Forums*

*opens cubicle
mike, what the fuck are you doing

oh shit, I thought I was in the bathroom stall...
can I have a new trash can?

no

do you guys have any spare stationary?

Where's Jake?

Alright, since you're here its probably a good opportunity to ask for a few days off next week. I want to go to the funeral of my only grandmother's only grandson next week.

8 minutes.

It only took 8 fucking minutes.

8 fucking minutes we've had Sup Forumstards working here, and there's already a big greasy turd in a trash can.

...don't ever change

jake from state farm? the one who wears the kakees?

Yea, sorry, shared half of an extra large pizza with a friend last night. If you think that's greasy you should seen the one I took at home before coming in to work! heh heh...

can I have a raise?

"That plane is awfully close"

That thing we were developing to save time and money, yeah...

There was a bug, it's gonna actually cost money and take time to fix.

Well, seeing as how we don't even actually, you know...pay you people...sure. 10% raises for everyone

Sweet! My mom's going to be so proud of me when I get home and tell her that her little buttermuffin is moving up the corporate ladder!

I'ma masturbate be back in a while.

*Walks in to bathroom to totally not Jerk off*

Go see Mary in accounting, she'll be able to help you invest all those Good Boy points you'll be bringing in

I used up all my statutory last month

if you're going to jerk off, at least tell me what you're jerking off to?

Better actually be in the fucking bathroom this time and not jacking off into the goddamn garbage...we're already down a trash can today

listening to day n nite by kid cudi. Is that okay boss?

Ohhh no. We're not falling for that one again. Come back with a warrant

jerks off with you matching tempo. "Bro need some lotion?"

*hides stilts*

No, I don't know who drew a giant cock on the ceiling in mustard.

What are you talking about?

Sorry guys, traffic was pretty bad over in Boston, so im a bit late..... Mike what the fuck are you doing?

Who photocopied their balls again??

So, when you guys are quite finished jerking off, shitting in garbage cans, and drawing mustard-cocks all over the goddamn place, can we PLEASE get some fucking work done? This is a place of business you know. Our shareholders are furious, corporate is up my ass, and I think the janitor just committed seppuku in the bathroom.

...god, it's like herding cats with you people

how about no

Does the tie vending machine have any more? I just came on mine.

i've hear of cumming, what is cameing?

Is that....

*sniff*

Is that FIRE I smell coming from the server room?

*Ding*
a few minutes later
*ding* the fucking client had his dick stuck in the gas tank. How the fuck did he--
*ding*
*ding* Now he had it stuck in the motherfucking air intake.

Oh shit, that plane is about to hit us.

quads confirm. Joe was out sick today oh shit

2 things
1. nice quads. You're getting a pay raise
2. no that's just david with his weed

that's just the twin towers. That's not state farm

Does anyone have that memo? About the cover pages?

Trying to get a Jerk Circle going here in the State Farm Employee's Restroom, I brought tons of lotion, it's Succulent Berry Sunshine from Bath & Body Works. Let's do this? I smell a fire...

Oh thank God...see, my first instinct was that somehow, in the half hour they've been employed here, Anonymous somehow managed to download so much porn that they fried every server in the building and started an electrical fire.

Silly me, huh....

?

yeah.
>opens server room door
See, there isin't any fi...SHIT THERE IS A FIRE

Hey I'm going to get lunch, anyone want anything?

OH FUCK!
>yells down the hall to the circle jerk in the break room
DROP YOUR COCKS, BOYS, THERE'S A FIRE

WE WANT A FIRE EXTINGUISHER

Is that some kind of lunch special?

Yeah, grab some weenies and smores, someone got a fire going in the server room. We's having a cookout!

I hope there is a regular state farm thread here. I love the cube farm

yeah. It helps us stay alive in a fire

The whores they hired for those places will blow you in the restroom for 5 bucks during break time

alright, so extra ranch with the spicy buffalo wings. got it.

Thank you for calling State Farm. How can we deny your claim today?

shouldn't we stop the fire?

>Tomorrow's paper

Well fuck...

It's cool I brought all the fire extinguishers in here with me. The color red gets me hard.

>and that's how they all died

Thomas Anderson?

YES THERE'S A FIRE FREEDOM, HERE I COME
>jumps in fire

But I busted a fat nut! So there's that...

someone called for a firemen? Where's the fire?

Pretty sure HR already told you about that sort of sexual language

Is it really you jake ?

>meanwhile, in the break room...

Guys, the fire department is here...someone wanna go give them a hand?

Yeah, Pam, Well I'll fucking kill you you stupid fucking whore slut!

I love state farm, only insurance I've ever had that was fair, most are crooks

WELL FUCK YOU PAM! AND FUCK YOUR DOLPHIN!

>puts out fire
there, the fire I gone. We're all safe.

Whew...thank God...Back to work, boys!
>fap fap fap fap fap

what even caused the firein the first place?

Funny thing; I thought it was overheated servers from all the Sup Forumstards downloading porn at the same time. Maybe we'd better check it out though, just to be sure...

Well it could've been when I shut off the cooling system to huff the nitrous in the pump regulators. Needed something to start that circle jerk...

>excuse me, sir, I think I found the problem...

haha that is great
i have to tell user this
hold up one second will you
HEY user!

now we know its from the jerk offers. Thus, I am creating a strict no masturbation policy. or else you're fired

HI EVERYONE, MY NAME IS SARAH AND I WILL BE WORKING WITH YOU FROM NOW ON, I HOPE WE CAN ALL BE BFFS

Welcome to the office, Sarah! My, but your timing is impeckerable...

hi. I'm your boss anonymous *puts hand to greet*

Can I get an opinion on the mechanism of injury in this 3 vehicle loss? Photo is kinda low quality, not sure who is at fault here...

It was the silver subaru's fault.

>sees red car
>gets hard
fug

Good observation, I felt the same, but it does appear to be driving down the wrong way on a one way road, I feel this might be a problem.

Remind me: what crops do we grow on the state farm?

Nationwide is on your side

Fuck it then! They're all in the wrong!

Government cheese

insurance policy (in theory anyway)

Something like these I think...

btfo

youre fired.
>grabs flamethrower
>lights nationwide fucker on fire

And then Robert was telling me that last weekend he and hi...

Don't worry, you're covered.

Fuck- HEY, WHO REPLACED THE COPY MACHINE'S INK WITH CUM?

Who wants to play a children's card game that pits you in a real life or death situation, but the reward is the power of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh?

Oh for fucksake here we go again

yeah who did? I'm ready to fire somebody

don't worry. I locked him in a windowless room.

No, our home insurance policy doesn't cover arson.

> Boss walks by earlier today
> Reflecting on incident during lunch

Well that's no good, how are we supposed to watch him flail in terror and agony?