Worst thing you've ever jerked off with

Worst thing you've ever jerked off with.
>toothpaste
>Don't do it.

Elmer's Glue.

...

Them vibrators hanging down?

Yeeaahh

I jerked off once to a ugly bitch and used that shitty lube u get at the mart and i felt bad cause i wasted cum and energy and a potential opportunity to have real sez and become enlightened and see the world and break away from the bondage and desire and trap abd cage in for internet and girls...... it's like a mutant dinosaur sometimes it's just a myth people tell around a campfire to get peope to know and see and clue each other......


Jerking off can be ur penis or ballsaxk or vagina or eggs or ego or eyelid or ur cats curved tail but true of it comes from the spirit and mibd and body and alignment with the soul and world......

Cheap shower gel. Had formaldehyde in it and make my dick flake skin for weeks

...

What did you think was going to fucking happen?

Can we please have more vibrators in public? Pretty please?

Tooth paste...
It gets slippery when it's wet...
It sucked.

Second that notion.

Have a friend we call "Turp"
He was painting his parents house and got paint all over himself
Used turpentine to remove the paint from his hands
For some reason he decided to jerk off after using the turpentine
He dick burned and swollen up, had to go to the hospital,
Don't use turpentine

I'll give it a third.

fourth

That's what we call natural selection. If only he'd generated enough friction to ignite.

10 outta 10 there turp.

did a little wank with hand sanitizer once, it burned and my dick started shedding it's skin like a sneky snake.

I stole some ultrasound jelly and I'm going to try that, have any of you tried it?

Yea at least he would have earned the nickname "sparky"

needing some sort of fluid to jerk off. lel americans

Where the fuck did you get ultrasound jelly?

was on school trip to a community college and when we got to the ultra sound lab I was in the back and I saw these bottles so I just started filling the little goody bag they gave me with them. I've been wiping it on door knobs and putting on seats for the past few weeks.

>i'm 18 so inb4 underage b&

why? you wont get to see them anyway

Do it. Can't be as bad as tooth paste. Or as bad as turp over there.

Habanero hot sauce.

It felt really good from a light heat on the initial application, but then the fire nation attacked. I had my pants all the way off before I made it to the shower, but the water only made it worse. It felt like my dick skin was being seared right off my body, and touching it with anything hurt like a bitch. It took almost a half hour of showering before the peak pain subsided, butbit still burned for hours afterwards.

Never again, user

>habanero hot sause

Shit. Someone elses shit.

dish soap once, some got inside

never again

...

Used to jerk off with icy-hot. If you're like me and only feel through S&M, I'd probably say it's a solid 8/10. Just don't get any on your balls, that's where it starts to get real.

Also jerked off with a packet of ketchup when I was like, 14. I mean, no negative side effects from that one but man was the cleanup weird

Don't use shampoo as anal lube.

It seemed like such a good idea.

Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it.
It's an acquired taste though.

technically unrelated, but I got a handy from a girl and she used lotion with those tiny scrubbing beads in it(didn't know at the time). Imagine a fleshlight with 40 grit sand paper on the inside and you'll feel what I did

Dear God you mad man

Icy hot

did... did you finish?

Ah yes....looks like I'm the only one who has jerked off with after shave. I actually did it a few times without realizing what it was and why my dick was burning afterward. This was in middle school

never again

Just from looking at it, I can understand why you even tried in the first place.

Axe body wash, fell asleep right after. My cock shed its skin over a week.

Coconut lotion. Later found out I was allergic to it and my dick swelled up and was itchy as fuck for the next week or so. Made the tip of my dick burn when I pissed and started getting dry and flaky when the swelling stopped.


Was really desperate for lube later down the road and made the same mistake.


Don't circumcise your kids people.

You bet your ass I did. I didn't want her to feel bad for being that stupid, so I powered through like a champ

Electrical tape
3/10

lmao. Like, gel aftershave or the full blown alcohol-inna-glass-bottle kind?

But the burn means its working

Nothing wrong with toothpaste. Did that when I was a teenager. Its kinda like getting a mentholated blowjob - pretty awesome. Didn't do it too often though.

Who's shit?

Shampoo sucks to jerk it with too. Conditioner is legit though.

but how?

God that sounds intense. Did you finish?

I jerked it with menthol conditioner before. Shit was so cash.

I had really fucking minty super powered tooth paste. Felt like sticking my dick in a camp fire.

Cortisone cream, multiple times. Shit would make my dick burn like hell after.

My toothpaste is cinnamon though

...

Wasn't there an American Dad episode about that?

oh my Jesus finally someone else who understands.

All the good idea's come from TV.

>put tape on dick
>show friend cuz lol tape on my dick
>fap through the pain
The end

>but then the fire nation attacked
Got a kek outta me

Sunscreen.. sandy gritty fucking sunscreen.

>in MY country, we use smegma buildup as a natural, smelly lube.
Stop posting from your backwards-ass country, you shoeless dirt person.

...

Was there? I stumbled upon it rummaging through our cabinets in our bathroom looking for any cream or lotion I could, I was like 15 at the time. Link me the episode if you know what it is.

Dirt person? Is that the nice way to say sand nigger?

>circumcised and needing additional lubrication

Sucks to be you.

Season 2 Episode 2.

>friend in middle school has a massage therapist step mother
>she worked out of home so naturally she had lots of lotions, creams, and oils handy
>he crept into her studio one night and snatched a bottle, went back to his room and got to work
>after awhile he starts to get a little sore and turns on the light
>to his horror his hand is red with blood
>he races to the bathroom and starts washing bloody lotion off his dick
>turns out he grabbed a high strength exfoliant lotion, the kind that's usually applied with gloves
after his dick scabbed up, the scabs tore open anytime he got a boner for the next few weeks
for some reason we called him sandy taco

Slug cock detected.

>but then the fire nation attacked.
Lost so hard.

Chillidick user

Leather horse seadle dry humping, while riding around a lake.

I already jerk it multiple times almost daily - can't image how often it would be if I had a natural flashlight made of skin on my dick at all times. Probly the only upside of being cut for me.

Are you really suggesting that your cock is mutilated so you don't need to shower?

Femanon?

Extra virgin olive oil
7/10

yeah once it mixed with my precum it got more slippery and I shot some ropes and lassos out of my pee hole but it really burned my dick and I had to wash it off and it turned sticky like candle wax

So expensive though

Was his dick melting? holy shit.

Circumcised American here, kill yourself.

Zam-buk salf. Burnt my dick right off.

Used play dough as a younger

>get pot
>make hole
>fuck hole

4/10

Nope

kek

No, they're unfortunately long pinworms

Did you have your dick out rubbing the saddle or just in your clothes?

I girl back in high school. One day the water went out at the school, and a girl I liked went into the bathroom anyway, must have really had to go. So anyway I sneak in after she leaves, isolate the stall she used( The water only went out minutes earlier, so I knew the only toilet with a shit in it had to be hers), rapidly emptied out the bag my sandwich for lunch was in, scooped het turd out of the toilet( I still remember it, it was dark and solid and kinda crumbly), put it in the bag and high tailed it outta school.
I ran home( I lived across the street from the school, locked myself in my room and took the now mostly cooled off turd and squeezed it in half.
I applied one half to my dick, and fapped with it while licking the other half and finally eating it.
I got extremely sick but it was worth it, best fap I've ever had.

Nice...

>That's the point
Nobody besides Americans and kikes still think it's a good idea to mutilate dicks. The rest of the world is waiting for you here in the 21st century, but most of us have forgotten about you and moved on at this point

Oh please! You giant queen!...ultrasound jelly is usually KY. There are off brands, but still....ur a fag.

holy shit.

you fucking what???

>respecting a woman's feelings
What are you, some kind of faggot man humper or somethin?

pretty much, exfoliants either abrade or burn off the top layers of skin, in his case it was a chemical or acid exfoliant, i honestly don't recall
probably stank something fierce, nair while not quite the same absolutely reeks once it starts dissolving hair

...

Wait? People actually use lube when jerking off?

Feels good man

>extra virgin

Someone gets it

kek

Apparently Satan doesn't use lube. Checked

Shaving cream.
Burnt like hell, but felt so good.