Does anyone know any good jokes?

Does anyone know any good jokes?

no.

I mugged Macklemore last night

He only had $20 in his pocket.

What do anal and spinach have in common?

=> you can add as much butter as you want, children will still hate it

u must think bread is fun

bread is fucking ethereal

A guy tells his friend :

- Wow, yesterday I found a woman tied to the train tracks, so I untied her, we went home and fucked like crazy all night long!

- Nice! Did she suck your dick?

- Nope, didn't find the head...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar!"

My first football game was like my first time doing anal. I was bruised, i was bloodied, and i was defeated...

...but at least my dad came. I'm

A woman just gave birth. The doctor walks in her room...

- I have good news and bad news 'mam...
- what's the bad news doctor?
- well, your son is a ginger... sorry.
- oh my god... then what about the good news?!
- good news is, he's stillborn!

So a guy walls into a bar, and on the bar is a very small man sitting at an equally tiny piano, playing it exceptionally well. The man asks the bartender about this musical wonder, and the bartender, having known the guy well, pulls out a magic lamp. The man asks the bartender if he might use it, to which the bartender says yes. Sure enough, upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appears and offers to grant one wish. The man immediately asks for one million bucks. With the wave of a magic wand, a million ducks fly into the bar, wreaking havoc. After everything is cleaned up, the man exclaims, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not DUCKS! BUCKS!!" "Tell me about it," the bartender replies, "do you really think i wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

>Does anyone know any good jokes?
Yes. Look in the mirror

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

What does an African have for breakfast?

Ebola cereal.

Yes. Your life.

The US president

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his genitals, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.

The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.

"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

your mum

What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

>Actually thinking the users of Sup Forums are clever enough to come up with a joke

That's funny

...

I slipped and fell down on some black ice yesterday. When I stood back up, my wallet was gone.

ayy

Priceless

so funny

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.. no idea why it took me like 20 seconds before i got that.

L M A O

Whats the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

You dont fuck your sandwich before you eat it.

three vampires walk into a bar.
fist vampire asks for "blood of a virgin!"
second vampire asks for "blood of a valiant warrior!"
third vampire asks for "hot water, please."
other two give him a weird look. he takes out a used tampon. "can't a guy just have tea?"

OK I smiled

>See thread
>Here comes "Your life is a joke, your mom is a joke"
>Enter thread
>Proven right

Too easy to predict.

It just wouldn't be Sup Forums without a touch of edge, Sup Forumsro.

Bump

...

A baby seal walks into a club

John Cena's driving down the highway when some asshole merges lanes without signalling, crashing into Cena. Everything goes dark and Cena wakes up in the hospital. Both arms, both legs in casts. The first person he sees is a chubby, older Filipino lady. He says to the lady, "Where am I?" In response, she says, "ICU." John Cena narrows his eyes, his tone becoming deadly serious. All he had to say was, "No you don't."