They say idle hands are the devil's plaything. But Ray, I was born without fingers

They say idle hands are the devil's plaything. But Ray, I was born without fingers

made me laugh and I am bumping your thread until I can think of a new one

>tfw i want to participate in vinceposting but too dumb to come up with a good one

Some people say it's not the size of the boat but rather the motion of the ocean. Well guess what, Ray? I can't even swim. Never even had a bath. Caspere knew this.

They say you shouldn't shit wear you eat, but ya know what ray, I've had a colostomy for 10 years and I never wear a fucking bag

Life's like a box of chocolate? Well guess what Ray, I'm a dog. I'll die if I eat chocolate. Caspere knew this...

there's this old saying, Ray: "As the twig is bent, the tree inclines." Well, right now I'm inclined to smoke these trees until I pass out. Caspere grew this

People always told me, 'Step on a crack; break your mothers back'. Well guess what, Ray? I am the crack, Casper knew this, and boy, oh boy Ray, you've just stepped on me.

they say you shouldn't bite off more than you can chew. well ya know something ray, I'm a fucking cannibal. and I've never gone hungry

Somewhere right now an angel's getting its wings Ray, and you know that fat lady ain't wrapping up soon

You know they say the early bird gets the worm Ray. Well guess what, I'm a fucking bait shop. Caspere knew this

I've never lost my cool, Ray. Not even when my fucking fridge was stolen. Caspere knew this.

>break your mothers back
well you know something ray. my mom is a quadriplegic, and I have never looked down

Remember snow days? You'd sit there at the edge of your seat waiting for them to name your school. And then right before the commercial they say the school one town over. Guess what Ray? They sell snow machines, and I ain't waiting anymore.

You know Ray, they say you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. And life just took all my lunch money

It's not easy trying to swim with these sharks, Ray. They smell blood in the water the way you and I sniff out pussy at Denny's. When I try to go with the current, pretty soon I'm in way too deep. When I try to swim back up to the surface for air, all I get is the bends. And at night, when I'm giving my wife oral sex, all I smell is fish. Caspere knew this

>early bird gets the worm
well ya know something ray, I'm the fucking alligator, and I never sleep

>don't know what you've got till its gone
Well you know something ray? I am a gambler and I go all in every time!

>mfw I have to make your vince posts actually funny.

They say she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes, but guess what Ray, there is no fucking mountain.

I remember I was in the pool. The water was cold and it smelled of chlorine. I was 11. 12 maybe. I'm trying to do handstands in the water, but the bubbles are coming up my nose. You know what I mean, Ray? Maybe you don't swim, you never swam. It's the feeling of drowning upside down when the bubbles come out of your nose. And you're handstanding upside down. Then I came up, and I was alright again. I could see the sun, and the topsy turvy world was topside up. But my uncle Morty was there. He said, "I saw your nutsac hanging out your swim trunks, Vince. A man doesn't just leave his nutsac exposed like that." Then just like that he backhanded my dick. Ray, I learned an important lesson that day: A stratagem of self-defense: When things are going right, and you feel copacetic and you leave yourself open, it's your family that punches you in the nuts. An Albanian poet once wrote, "A chimneysweep loved his wife with twice the vigor, and deprived another woman of complete black-handed love." See what I mean? You can love as much as you like, Ray. But no matter how many times you get punched in the nuts, you can only drown once. Casper, he knew this too.

Chessani was aware of this

>Coming round the mountain when she comes
but you know something ray. I'm the fucking avalanche.

You know, Ray, my old man used to say "Life is a highway." These days it seems more and more like I got a brick tied to the gas pedal, and you know what else, Ray? I got thirty cents off a gallon of gas with my Stop and Shop points.

You know Ray, they say you don't look at the sun. But I've never even had a pair of fucking sun glasses.

Let me tell you something, Ray. They say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well I'm on fucking fire, Ray, and I can't get my apron off.

They say the early bird gets the worm but what happened to the early worm? Guess what, Ray? Black lives don't fucking matter. Caspre knew this.

just come up with a shitty one and I'll make it funny. had to do it way too much on here already anyways

Did you hear that drinking coffee through a straw can help prevent bad breath? Well, Ray, this straw just broke the fucking camel's back, and I'm all out of coffee. Caspere's breath fucking stank, so what does that tell you?

kek

>can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen
well ya know something ray? women are always cold. thats why they should stay in there

You know, Ray, X told me Y once. And you know what else, Ray? I Z.

You know what Ray, a wise man once said "If a tree falls down in a forest, does it make a sound?" Well, guess what? I am that tree and you better fucking believe I'm making a bang.

Fuck me, this one is more depressing than funny

you're a x y

evokes a weird image of vince vaughn in a 50's housewife dress and an apron

calling same fag on this because
1. nobody knows wtf your are even talking about
2. there is no joke involved
3. your probably high and don't care

You know Ray, they say a man stands for something. But I can't stand. I'm strapped to the rumble seat, and life's the jalopy.

My mom used to say "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Well, my old man said "Can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs." But I know one thing's for sure, Ray. The chickens are coming home to roost. Caspere knew this.

That's the thing, Ray. I'm a Z.

Do you believe in God, Ray? Well that son of a bitch put my on this earth to do two things...kick ass and chew bubble gum. And you know what? I'm all out of ass.

Many people talk, most listen, but the ones who really know don't need to do either.

Yeah sure, they say women are always cold. But me, Ray? I'm fucking hyperborean.

Wrong on all counts. Stay mad nobody replied to your garbage vincepost, faggot

casper the friendly ghost knew this

what's it like being retarded?

Screen shot and prove it! I dare you. If you can than I will shut the fuck up forever and give you mad props

You know what they say Ray, "When in Rome..." Well, Rome had better fucking be my wife's dripping, wet pussy. And what's going in? Heh, well it'd better be of purely African American descent, I tell you.

There's a 350 year old dagger in this nations back, Ray, and the only thing that can heal it is getting Blacked. Caspere knew this.

You know Ray I was in this game when you were still wearing diapers. Whether that's true or not you'd have to tell me, but you know what? I just shit myself and I'm not even wearing underwear.

thankyou user for actually having a funny one. I will post screen shot if someone accuses you of same fagging

>screenshot as proof

"You know Ray? They say a bird in the hand'side worth two in the bush. Well Ray I got no birds in either my hand or my bush, hell I'm not even sure I got a bush left. But dammit Ray I got my hands, and these poaching sons of bitches ain't never gonna take my hands from me Ray, you hear me? My hands sculpt the clay of God Ray, Caspere knew this.

finally somebody who is not brain dead who can do a proper vince post.
is you too?

...

There's an old joke about a chicken crossing a road. The cock walks across it and you ask why he did it. Why did that chicken cross the road? I asked a man that question once, a man I was there to kill. He said "to get to the other side." And then I shot him. I never got that. A chicken, he doesn't need a reason for what he does. He just eats and fucks and runs away when shit gets serious. It's only men who need a "why". Cut a man's head off and he dies, you took away his "why", but cut a chicken's head off and it runs all over the goddamn yard. why did the chicken cross the road? Because he lost his head? That's as good an answer as any other. Well guess what, Ray. I'm not the chicken, I'm the road, and when you're a chicken who decides to cross a road you better know it'll cost your fucking head. Caspere knew this.

And he was a good friend.

>implying I don't know that its easy to change devices and it's not just funny to me to think about the kind of person who would actually do so in order to prove a point on here. when in reality I am probably right anyway and will think I am no matter what so its pretty much useless to even bring up

They say you will one day taste the sweet release of death, ray. But the thing is Ray. I am Walter Peyton. I am the fucking candyman. I can make the sunrise and sprinkle it with dew. The taste will always be in my mouth! Caspere knew this

>needing multiple devices to fake a screenshot

So psyched we're on the ground floor of le ebin samefag, slap fight.

Came up with three that make more sense and are funnier than this in 30 seconds. kys user

Nah, mine are shit compared to some gems I've seen in the past, but thanks for the (You)'s gentlemen.

They say don't fucking eat the yellow snow Ray, well too bad because I'm the snow blower. Caspere knew this.

amazing! how do you get it to do that cool black screen? mine is so white and privileged ?

only jack frost is the real snow blower Kroy

They say that two's company and three's a crowd - well I built my own company up from the ground on my own Ray, Caspere knew this

they say god is a man with a plan.. but guess what ray? getting caught was part of mine and there are never any survivors, so who's the big guy now? you dont get to bring friends, ray. ever. caspere knew this.

>They say the Spanish do nothing and that they enjoy playing with death. Well guess what Ray? They're standing still and I'm the fucking bull.

I tried.

seriously though how did you fake that?
its pretty cool actually

This thread is past its expiration date

Im only posting in this to keep this thread active. Vince posting is the best.

>he says he'll shut the fuck up, that he'll give me mad props, ray, but i'll be mad if i didnt shot him the fuck up and i never even been to the psychiatrist

That's the thing about threads, Ray. They all hit their expiration dates eventually. But you know what? When those threads are the only thing holding this sublunar world together, it's time to go to the fucking store and get some fresh milk. But surprise, Ray: I'm the titty and I'm fucking engorged. Hell, even Caspere's killers knew this.

congrats! you made yourself look like an idiot by posting something that could have been funny but it fell flat on its fat acne ridden face.
I actually wanted you to say something funny.(not kidding at all) It would have been awesome, but it didn't even make since

Imagine being Colin Farrell in that scene and having to be all like "damn, Vince Vaughn, you fuckin' eloquent, all sage with your elaborate vocabulary and horrific pretentious analogies. I would totally be shaken by your rethoric, both my character and the real me." when all he really wants to do is shoot the shit with Rachel McAdams in his dressing room. Like seriously imagine having to be Colin and not only stand in that pier while Vince Vaughn flaunts his stilted solliloquy in front of you, the emotionless delivery barely concealing the excesive verbose and lack of pathos, and just stand there, take after take, hour after hour, while he perfected that monologue. Not only having to tolerate his horrendous fucking pauses but his haughty attitude as everyone on set tells him he's STILL GOT IT and DAMN, VINCE VAUGHN VAN DELIVER DIALOGUE LIKE *THAT*?? because they're not the ones who have to stabd there and watch his droopy mouth combine worlds into awkward declamations you didn't even think were possible before that day. You've been acting opposite nothing but a healthy diet of cinema icons, Oscar winners and later alleged raspberry award winners for your ENTIRE CAREER coming straight out of the boonies in Ireland. You've never even seen anything this fucking bad before, and now you swear you can taste the sweat that's breaking out on his wrinkled forehead as he frowns menacingly at you, smugly assured that you are enjoying the opportunity to get paid to stand there and revel in his "subdued (for that is what he calls himself)" performance, the performance he worked so hard for with personal acting coaches in the previous months. And then the director calls for another take, and you know you could write character interactions better than Nic Pizzolato before the studio security could put you down, but you stand there and endure, because you're fucking Colin. You're not going to lose your future Harry Potter career over this. Just bear it. Hide your face and bear it.

They say a woman can push any man to his breaking point. But Ray, I'm a Stretch Armstrong

>(not kidding at all)
caspere knew this

pretty good edit desu

Best dubs I've seen in a while.

Guys this is my first attempt at vince posting

In and out goes the tide but I fuk ur mum in the ass ray fagot

on the surface it is brilliant. I think you could have a bright future in comedy and screen writing. why don't you come study at UCLA for 400,000 dollars a semester and work with me on honing your craft. I think you have a real future

also you should come to my improv class that costs 500 dollars a week (cash only) and really work on what makes you so special an unique as an artist.

let me tell you something Ray, they say sex makes the legs weak, well I lent my knee pads to prince yashua

see there ya go! you're learning. keep it up kiddo

It's a dog eat dog world ray. And I'm the fucking chinaman.

This negro stealing old vinceposts

come on guys pls rate mine. even if it's shit I just want feedback. want to know where I stand in vinceposting

It's better than most of this thread

Pit bosses and pipe dreams. Stereophonics and albacore. The clothes, the wardrobe. It was all dressing for a cancer patient. And ya' know what? The money is the mast cell carcinoma in the gut of this place. No excise because the Russians keep the scalpels. What I'm saying is they're never "tsarry" for holding out. Typical Kazar ploy to let it metastasize. The money's on an Israeli yacht somewhere over the coastline.

Caspere jewtits.
Caspere jewtits.

been done to death.
>its a dog eat dog world
and I'm the shock collar.
and I am the vet who puts them down
and I am the mailman
and I am racing in the iditarod
and I chew on my own crotch
there ya go. its not that hard to do this guys

They say lighting never strikes twice in the same place Ray. Well youre on strike one Ray, next strike you're out

its a good vincepost. has all the elements and is pretty good.
pro tip add something that /tv would love, like making the bull a black guy or something, these people eat that shit up and upvote unfunny stuff that is "bane" or "cuck" or whatever even though it sucks

The chinks have a proverb they used to tell me, Ray: It is the strong swimmer who most often drowns. Well Ray, I hired the strong swimmer to pull me across the river. Now he's sinking and I can't untie this fucking rope.

Some people say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, Ray, but guess what, I've never known a single doctor who can make me feel better than a glass of whisky and I've never had an apple in my life. Caspere knew this.

are you really proud of that?
come on man don't make me have to fix this one too

It's Sup Forums, I come here to dump my abortions and never feel an ounce of pride. Caspere knew this.

eh, fair enough.

Ray these days everything seems like it's black and white, a yes or no decision. I'll find the answers Ray, because I have a shovel and I know how to dig. But the dirt will be more than just black or white, it will be brown and rocky. And you'll think you need to use the restroom but there isn't a key and all you got is that 1 ply paper from your former middle school bathroom. The answer may not be as black and white once you've gotten to that boiling point Ray, because you're colorblind and I just pooped my pants.

they say the world is black and white, but you know something ray. I've pumped 50 shades of grey in to your ex wife and haven't called her back sense

...wait ... don't you have a son that might not be yours?

>I saw your nutsac hanging out your swim trunks, Vince.
I honestly don't what his name was in the show. Shit was incomprehensible.