*THIS IS AN OFFICE THREAD*

*THIS IS AN OFFICE THREAD*
"Cathy? Has anyone seen Cathy? She has the quarterly reports and they were due this morning!"

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"Chris call line one Chris call line one."

I can't take this shit anymore.

cathy isn't coming back.

This is a very stable work environment. I appreciate the predictable pay, and the ergonomic work stations

Hey calvin can you forward me the earnings reports? Rob wont stop bugging me for them

Sometimes I wish I could stand up at my desk, but I realize that I'm lucky to have a job at all, so I don't make a big deal about it. Today I'm going to eat lunch at my desk so that i apart busier than I really am

Can someone tell me why they didn't refill the coffee maker? Why does it always come down to me?

We'll, you're the new guy. At least you're not Ted, be happy about that

I swear to God Cathy has it out for me. She won't let me have my own supply room key even though we're both members of the paper and printers committee

That is true. Where is Ted right now anyway? Is he still filing downstairs?

How fucking hard is it to put paper in the fucking photocopier?

Yo Frank, we have to re-do the Per Diem quotes we gave out to the last group in North and South Caroline, shit's all fucked up. Fucking accounting gave us the wrong bill rate.

So, who else here has fucked Veronica?

It's Jen. I have seen her left the copying room with that look on her face. Everyone afterwards complains something is wrong with it.

Silk screen shirts ARE business casual as long as they have a collar

Justin, this doesn't look like a quote. It needs to be an actual quote or AP won't take it.

Did you guys see the funny joke I emailed to you. Pretty funny right. My son sent it to me, kids these days

I'm sorry sir, you can't come in here without an appointment. If you want to see one of our staff you need to book in advance.

yeah I'm really considering that Bentley, got pretty good mileage and my complex has a garage
hoping we dont get fucked on the bonus

I know right? I didn't know half of the things kids know these days. Some of them are going to be born with computers in their hands.

haha, is that from SNL? I love SNL

Hey, It's Brad From HR. I wanted to confirm you got my email about our upcoming sensitivity training session

Hey Brad, it's Calvin is it still at 3:45? I might have to miss it.

That's chinky not kathy

seriously, whoever keeps taking pens from my desk needs to stop, the 6 packs are not cheap.

Jeffery! watch your language, this is a professional atmosphere!
dont make me write you up again

Bob, stop molesting the receptionists, we can't afford the legal fees each time they quit and sue us for sexual harassment!

Hi Grant, you can use my pen. Best of luck with that new client, I heard she's a real piece of work.

The new guys are pathetic, can't even meet the minimum daily call time quota. Out of the 4, only 1 is surviving. They need to can the rest.

Oh boy o boy o boy I sure love coffee. Haha I am so addicted I couldn't go without my daily cup a Joe that's for sure

*Quiet coworker reaches into his backpack*

Sh-shit shit shit how is this on my terminal computer!? *furiously alt f4s*

Got it, deleted it, fucked Veronica over the photocopier. I was sensitive the whole time, honest Brad - and I didn't cum on her blouse.

This session is not optional. You can show up on time or you can be suspended without pay.

Hey Billy what you got there?

I asked for a Blackberry, and I get a box of raspberries? Jill, you need hearing aids.

S-sorry Mr. Ward, it's just that me and Frank stayed 2 hours later after hours working with these... Won't happen again sir.

Cathy can suck on deez nutz hoe

I brought my radio from home guys. You guys don't mind, right? I'll just keep it on really softly

i havent technically, shes just touched my dick while making out with brian at the christmas party.
i just ended up watching her getting rammed from behind. blew my load too soon, but damn she can put on a show. I aint even mad.
maybe ill do her this year if the timing is right. you just gotta catch her at the right moment. shit maybe brain can spot me. hell, ill buy them both dinner if its as good as it looked.

*loud noises at cubicle A-27*
*everyone turns around*

Is it? I didn't see it on the memo. I will have to have the wife video tape my daughter's play. She's not going to be happy.

Nothing...

Nothing just stocks. *hides the screen with a guy getting a severe pounding from behind*

I imagine she's even less happy about you and Veronica

Well, Bob, pack your belongings. You're fired!

>Kathy's electic teakettle has boiled over
>It got in the wall socket
>lights dim just enough to notice

You should have won your race for Chair of that committee

It was one time! We were both working late. Veronica was practically all over me and I tripped.

She's the office bike, and after I gave it to her, she's got a flat tire.

Honestly? Ever since Dean went management, he's been treating the rest of us like dirt.

WHO THE FUCK ATE MY LUCH!? It was in the fucking fridge and it had my fucking name on it!!!

*furiously jam penis inside wall socket*

Great... the water cooler is empty again. Where the hell is Ted?

Which Veronica? The busty milf or the 19 year old plain looking intern?

I used to fucking jerk it to everythig with nice tits and ass even cartoon, anime, and videogame characters but now i can barely jerk off even to the sexiest of porn stars and anime wives. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can't figure out if i have a weird fetish i haven't discovered yet. Either way I'm really depressed and I cvan't geven get hard with my girlfriend. im not gay either, i actually legit tried jerking it to dude porn the other day to see if i was gay, but i was soft as fuck and then i tried watching like the weirder shit like scat porn or somethign to see if i iw wass into that but i wasnt. it sucks ass i can't jerk it. when i was a kid itd be so easy for me to jerk it just to women wearing halter tops and i dreamed of dating a sexy ass girl one day that i could fiuck everyday. well now i have a gf, and we used to fuck eery day now i fuck like once every month or so and she's so enthusiastic but im sitting here like a fucking manchild and cant get my dick hard. why is my sex drive garbage? I cant even get it off to my favorite anime rule 34 porn anymore. no fetishes are working, i jerk off and it feels like work. i havent jerked off and felt good about it in over two monthys. every 2-3 times per week i do it it still feels like work fuck this shit. fuck my wonky sex drive and fuck my stupid brain chemicals that dont work properly an dmost of all fuck my penis for going soft when i want the stupid motehrfucker to get hard. tahat stupid bastard is at best a 5-incher and at worst a soft 3 incher. piece of shit ungrateful bastard even after i got a girlfriend. now i just eat her pussy but i cant fuck her liike in my favoirte porns.

at least i got good at licking vaginas

Everyone! Please head to the Conference room!
vocaroo.com/i/s1QmS1qoPHnN
-Bryan from H.R.

>"Cathy? Has anyone seen Cathy? She has the quarterly reports and they were due this morning!"

This literally never happens. You've never worked in an office.

Reasons why this doesn't happen:

A. Departments compete for funding and pay. You never publicly advertise what someone does.

B. Cathy always has a replacement in a clutch. It Cathy missed a deadline then she was fired and the other person submitted (likely via access to their hard-drive).

C. You never report extra/unique roles to people of the same team. You'll have them calling favortism, demanding more "duties" in hopes of promotion, etc. when in reality Cathy is the one with the least amount of life to detract from work.

Source: Branch Mgr for a Fortune 500/Top 50 corporation.

Friendly memo.

Dr. Tobbogann will be here next Tuesday for the yearly company physical. He hopes to see less hamsters in peoples buttholes this year

I'm sorry, but did PVV already lose? Oh, that's right. The elections arent even over yet. In fact, only the exit poll is out. Does not having the lead at the exit poll count as a loss? Is that what you're saying? Because if you're saying that I can assure you that you're wrong. Why would you make this topic when the elections are still on? PVV are still getting votes right now and they have been the best political party for white peolpe in the Netherlands for how many years now? They're against one of the worst cucked political parties in this country who just happen to have a lead because they're feeding off the energy of turks and libtards in a thursday night election. But you know what? They still fucking suck. PVV are one of the best fucking political parties in the continent, they got 15 seats the last elections and would of won if cuck culture wasn't so popular. Maybe you should shut the fuck up before you make retarded topics like this. You know why? Because you're going to be embarrassed when PVV wins and someone bumps this topic. Oh look at that, VVD got only 31 predicted when they got 10 more the last elections. Are you a fucking drunk? Are you retarded? Are you autistic? You are a fucking idiot and you should never make a topic on this board again and I'm fucking serious. I almost have a feeling you're the only guy making all these KEK topics because you're a faggot hater who doesn't like white people because they're good. Fuck you, be good at something in YOUR life and then maybe try to troll these fucking political parties on the board, like I give a fuck. It's so easy to spot out your threads now, you're a retard. Always doing stupid shit like this. Why don't you try to be a good poster? Just for once? For once in your fucking life try not to make a topic like this. That's just you, you're always right at getting it wrong. Fuck you. You are nothing.

Crap. *stacks unfinished work in the corner of the desk*

Bryan, Tyrone didn't come in today. He called in sick.

You have no fucking clue

I know, right? I literally cannot stand him constantly going up to people and reminding them how to do their job whenever he gets a chanc- oh shit! he's coming this way...

I'm sick of hiding my flags , sick of having my art exhibits trolled , sick of nazis and sick of this website . Shut the fuck up. I'm so tired of being disrespected on this goddamn website. All I wanted to do was post my opinion. MY OPINION. But no, you little bastards think it's "hilarious" to mock those with good opinions. My opinion. while not absolute, is definitely worth the respect to formulate an ACTUAL FUCKING RESPONSE AND NOT JUST A SHORT MEME OF A REPLY. It boils me up that I could spend so much time thinking and putting effort into things while you shits sit around and make fun of the intellectuals of this world. I've bored you? Good for fucking you. Literally no one cares that your little brain is to underdeveloped and rotted to comprehend my idea...MY GREAT GREAT IDEA. I could sit here all day whining, but I won't. I'm NOT a whiner. I'm a realist and an intellectual. I know when to call it quits and to leave the babybrains to themselves. I'm done with this goddamn site and you goddamn immature children. I have lived my life up until this point having to deal with memesters and idiots like you. I know how you work. I know that you all think you're "epik trolls" but you're not. You think you baited me? NAH. I've never taken any bait. This is my 100% real opinion divorced from anger. I'm calm, I'm serene. I LAUGH when people imply I'm intellectually low enough to take bait. I always choose to reply just to spite you. I won. I've always won. Losing is not in my skillset. So you're probably gonna reply "lol epik trolled" or "u mad bro" but once you've done that you've shown me I've won. I've tricked the trickster and conquered memery. I live everyday growing stronger to fight you plebs and low level trolls who are probably 11 (baby, you gotta be 18 to use Sup Forums). But whatever, I digress. It's just fucking annoying that I'm never taken serious on this site, goddamn. YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE NEXT FLAG OR IF YOU DO YOU WONT BE ABLE TO FIND IT !!!!

anyone wanna go to the new bar that opened up down the street? I hear they got some good steaks.

also, whos fucking veronica tonight? can i get next tuesday? I'll write the report for you for trade or buy dinner. Is it Brittney's turn? Did Britney get tuesday?

I know what you mean Jim. Have you heard of this dance called dap or was it dat. I don't know basically you look like you're sneezing into your elbows.

SNL is great. I love the new view videos they talk about

The intern. She's a fucking wild one - looks are deceiving.

***Inter Office Memo***

It has been brought to my attention from more than one source that the standards of practice is not being followed in this office and that there has been a complete breakdown of operations. Henceforth their shall be not more use of language containing "fucking anyone over the copier," "molesting of receptionists," or any other such expressions.

Additionally all correspondence needs to be properly signed with you name and department.

Jacqueline in HR

Sneezing into their elbows? At least their using proper food safe rules *sensible chuckle*

Veronica sent me this in an email

"Cock is one of my favorite tastes. Not only that, but balls smell amazing. It makes me go a little crazy on it to be honest. Like, I cannot get it far enough down my throat to be satisfied. I’m only satisfied when I feel those intense, powerful, salty, hot pumps of cum down my throat. When I sit back on my heels, look up at you with cum all over my mouth and slobber running down my neck, hair all fucked up and wipe my mouth with the back of my arm and ask you if I did a good job and you cannot even speak because I’ve drained all of your energy out the tip of your dick….. That’s when I’m satisfied"

What came first, Ranch or Cool Ranch?

Fuck off idiot - go and ruin a different thread with your killjoy ways.

*fucks around on laptop in server room*

Ummm...idk man, when I was on break I was looking through my social media and saw that Tyrone is with his baby momma at some mall...I mean, I don't wanna be a snitch but its the 5th time this month that he calls in sick and we have to cover for him...

>pins nazi propaganda to the wall with thumbtacks
>starts screaming about the jews and how we must kill them to secure a future for the aryan race

WHO THE FUCK MESSED UP MY EXCEL SPREAD SHEET? I NEED TO PUT BACK MY FORMULAS AND FINISH MY MAIL MERGE IN WORD!

Internet may may craze move so fast. I just heard of the ice bucket challenge. Sounds like an excellent idea that the kids are getting into. It's good to see they are doing something for the community.

My god Jacqueline has a hot piece of ass. Oh how I would penetrate it from a variety of angles and positions. Just an exquisite piece of ass.

Hey Jim, I hope you're not busy, can you take a lot at- OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR ASSHOLE!?!?!?!?!

Hey guys - did you all get that text from Veronica? "Hey Rob, Calvin, Dave and Greg - I'm pregnant, and I have no idea who the father is. Have a great day!" What the fuck do we do now, guys?

Veronica was on her 2 week vacation in advance right?

We kill the bitch.

We could just get her to sleep with that neckbeard John from accounting and pin it on him

>"get Steven Spielberg on the phone"

okay but who fuckin messed up my excel sheet? shit took me 20 minutes to do...

I saw him at Serious Coffee during my lunch break. I think we need to report him, he's dragging all of us down. If we lose him though we'll not be meeting our diversity quota.

Hey isn't it Debbie's birthday tomorrow. Who's going to bake the cake?

shes just fucking around. shes on birthcontrol according to greg.

btw can i fuck her tuesday night? I Think its Robs turn or Brineys, but ill do the client reports or buy dinner for trade.

speaking of reports, the people upstairs said to change the font to 23 because the new printers are installed.

I think it was that fucking intern. I swear I saw that prick exit your cubicle 20 minutes ago with a smirk on his face.

What is this ice bucket challenge about? I hope it's not like polar bear swims from our day.

I'd like to bake Debbie's cake.....I'd like to bake it good and hard.

hey Jim can you take a look at my computer? How to I update Adobe Acrobat?

I've been talking to a long lost cosousin in nigeria. I know right? You never know who you're related to. He said he owns a company that does exactly what we're looking for and if we just send him our data he will get his workers to do it for cheap!

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

THAT MOTHERFUCKER! gonna check on him tomorrow. can you work on your publisher work now so u can help me with him tomorrow

OH SHIT JASON! *pulls 3 Ethernet cords out of rectum* Uh I know this looks bad but it's not what you think. It's a trick to use your natural energy to increase the net wifi technical range of the internet so the computers will be faster.
>Believe me
>I'm I.T.

(drinking tea)

23? Is this the version for the visually impaired? Arial 11 is the company font, and that's it.

I was going to do Veronica and Britney on Tuesday, but the rash is back so better not.