Online dating horror stories. I'll start

Online dating horror stories. I'll start.

> be me
> 31 years old greek autistic programmer
> was a regular kid but job autisticized me
> too lazy to go outside and try to get laid
> meet 20 year old grill in dating site
> pictures are kinda blurry but w/e
> start talking
> same night she goes: "user would you consider me a slut if I told you to come over and fuck me?"
> smells fishy but too long since I got laid, I say: "No"
> "Come over then user. Bell not working. call me to come down to open door"
> she lives 15 km away (9+ miles for amerifags)
> damn i need to get laid, let's do it
> 11.30 PM I drive to her home
> call her, door opens
> she is 1.50m (4.9 feet) and from the looks of it close to 95kg (210 pounds)
> her face looks like someone stabbed her repeatedly in the fucking cheeks and poured acid over the wounds
> she would have more hair if she was in her 3rd month of chemo
> summer so she wears very few and the fat is filling the entrance
> she goes: "Come upstairs user"
> my damaged brain starts screaming: "GET THE FUCK OUT"
> my dick goes: "STAY! I COULD PROBABLY FUCK THAT"
> pause for a solid minute

Continue?

Other urls found in this thread:

funnyjunk.com/user gets laid/funny-pictures/6208793/
twitter.com/SFWRedditGifs

So did you fug it?

Bump

I'm anxious now

Cont.

more please

We need pics user this isn't 2006

Reeee

I'm starting to suspect that OP may, in fact, be an enormous faggot, guys...

> fuck it, I've come this far let's do it
> go into apartment
> smells like somebody died in there 10 years ago and the body is still decomposing
> sit in small living room, roll a cigarette
> starts talking about feminism and her favorite philosophers
> this freakin whale disgusts me but I kiss her just to stop her talking
> she grabs my sorry ass and drags me to the bedroom
> as I pass by the bathroom, smell intensifies: that's where the satan lives
> almost pass out but make it to bed
> start making out
> really hot night, probably 40C (104 F)
> the obese thing sweats like a pig
> removes clothes
> she does not have any curves: she is a single piece of fat
> her legs are like flues
> the part where the legs join the torso is one solid piece of fat (pic related)
> tits surprisingly small, no ass
> can't get hard with this buffalo
> think about the chance to humiliate a feminazi, instantly hard

Continue?

go on

>pic related
>no pic
>being this new
>being this summer

Yes

imagine if books were written like this

Yes, continue. Stop fucking asking, validation seeking cunt.

What's a book?

FUCKING THREAD!

> she tries to ride my cock moving the fat aside with her hands
> makes it in the end but she is completely retarded, doesn't know how to move
> dick keeps popping out, can't breath
> after a solid 10 mins of trying to keep it in for more than 5 humps I say fuck it let's do it
> roll the beast on its back and go on top
> get a rhythm trying to look away so that I don't go soft instantly
> basically I'm in a sea of fat trying not to drown
> she is obviously digging it because at some point she starts shaking uncontrollably
> holy fuck she is having a stroke how do you explain fucking this thing to the paramedics?
> apparently she came
> I stay in there for a couple more minutes, close my eyes, think of delta white, cum instantly
> the disgusting sweat, the smell from the bathroom next door, the hogbeast trying to cuddle me make me want to puke
> time to get out
> "I'm gonna grab a glass of water"
> open fridge and I nearly faint
> nothing shorter than 9 months past its expiration date in there
> "Where is the water?"
> "Only tap user"
> building too old, water warm and tastes like it went through a urinal
> go back to room, ready to get dressed and leave
> "user may I ask you something?"
> "Sure"
> "Can we fuck again?" (I kid you not that was the exact words)
> Pause for a second...

Continue?

You know what, no. Don't continue.

Faggot.

KEK

Moar. I don't care if this is fake.

Holy fucking shit, No. Don't continue if you have to keep asking "hey user should I continue?" Fuck you just stop telling the story. God damn, user.

FUCK YES CONTINUE!!!! DO IT

Fucking continue, you glorious bastard!

xcxccccontinue

> I drove 15km for this shit, let's go through with it
> w/e let's fuck again
> trying for 15 minutes straight to get it hard again
> close my eyes think of every pornstar in the world
> finally make it
> she tries to ride me again
> still can't fucking navigate all the fat
> I put her on her knees and start going doggy
> the disgusting pig can't even bend her fucking waist
> forcefully push her down with one hand trying to put the fat aside with the other
> go like this for about 5 mins
> by that time the smell from the bathroom is gone, got used to it, it's neutral to me
> suddenly, I hear a hissing sound and feel a wave of hot air hitting my crotch
> NO SHE DIDN'T
> what I smelled cannot easily be described: it burnt the inside of my nose
> if hell has a smell that is it
> my dick goes soft instantly
> I pull out to see if she had shit on me cant_be_just_a_fart.jpg
> and yet it was. didn't leave any skidmarks on my skin or anything thank_the_lord.png
> I don't say a word, get up, pick up my clothes and start dressing
> "user i'm so sorry, never happened before, please stay"
> Stay silent, walk the walk of shame, get out, drive home, take a bath while scratching my skin as hard as I can, cry myself to sleep

FUCKING OKCUPID MAN!

I dig this story. I'm gonna upload it to Funny Junk

>never happened before
Sorry bro you have STD's

include me in the screenshot

give me a sec and ill link you to it

funnyjunk.com/user gets laid/funny-pictures/6208793/

here

>Anongetslaid.jpg
More like anonshouldaprayed.jpg

>be me
>no self esteem, megabeta
>therefore stuck with fatties
>online date time I guess
>genericonlinedates.com
>nothing but whales
>duh, they failed irl, same as me
>agree to meet a 3/10
>might not be bad, chubby but not motorchair level
>all I deserve
>wait at burger place, her request
>see a 500 lb landwhale waddle in
>I whisper to myself "I can't do this" and sneak out
>delete date site account
>I won't force myself to settle for scraps, I deserve better
>I'm not depressed, just unlucky
>magically fall into the lap of a 5'3" 168 lb goddess, sex machine and animal lover
>happiest man on planet
>severely lonely friend asks me about online dating, if it really worked
>"Look at me,I'm super happy!"
>he hooked up with a depressed whale living with her chocolate rape babies
>he has to feed and bathe her every day
>she has a phobia of sex due to her rape, kept the kids because of anti-abortion religion beliefs
>takes all of his money for her thyroid pills and weed
>I did this to him
>kek

check bottom description

eh,

I know what you did, the numbers don't lie.

YEEET

...

all4u

>cry myself to sleep
True Sup Forumstard detected.
Now kys OP.

So what about the stuff with humiliating a feminazi?
How did you plan on doing that?

>being this stupid
>not looking at

cancer
a
n
c
e
r

She farted on his dick, man.
Feminazi: 1
Beta cuck OP: 0

That's why you wait in your car and order pizza. When the driver goes to the door, you can see if it's a land whale (and drive the fuck off) or a hotty (walk up the drive and pay the driver.)

My online dating horror story goes somthing like this:

Met her on tinder and asked her to bring a friend with her to hook up with my friend for a double date, they were 18 so we couldn't take them to a bar so we took them too a hookah bar and smoked weed with them, except me and my friend did not inhale. we brought them back to the house and got them to drink a shit ton, then me and my buddy tied both of them to a radiator and took turns plowing them and shoving objects up their asses, then we left them tied up in the abandoned house, and that was the end of my online dating horror story.

That's what I'm saying.
Also she's (probably) far less desirable than OP but still got sex. She wins again. What was the OP thinking how this would work?

This thread is so much cancer

Why did you not inhale?
Can't smoke weed and sodomize a bitch at the same time user??

> Moar. I don't care if this is fake.

This is as real as it gets unfortunately.

> Sorry bro you have STD's

Nah I'm good. Wouldn't go in that fucking thing without a raincoat (plus I've been checked since then).

> So what about the stuff with humiliating a feminazi?
> How did you plan on doing that?

Women tend to hate themselves after they fuck me. Went wrong this time.

Got another one from OkCupid again (Tinder has been kind to me thankfully).

Not as bad as the whale but pretty interesting.

If interested let me know (no continues this time, promise)

>Desperate and sexually deprived Lil ol 16 year old me once hooked up with some rando from math dot piss
>he was only a few miles away from me
>sneak off in the dead assery of night
>he lives in a gated duplex community thing
> wow_must_be_nice.jpg
>see his place is small but fairly decent for single 30 yr old almost bald dude
>snuggle with him
>not so bad
>makes me kiss him but I'd rather suck his peepee oppose to kissing his chapped lips
>unzip and all, here comes his member
>hello, it's Mr. 4 inch and no more
>shit
>too late to back out so fuck anyways
>surprisingly fucks pretty rough and leaves me sore
>okay, *cums*
>I couldn't fuck him again
>too sore lol
>leave
>not a week later, he finds out my real age and I block him and delete my profile
>good fuck but not worth effort

He said he posted my ass before either on here or imgur. Still don't know but I wish I saw how good my ass looked with cum in It.

>depression kicking my ass lately
>used to hit up chicks at various places every friday now i barely leave for groceries several months later
>need to socialize and fuck becomes great enough i gotta do something
>fuck it
>use tinder
>few days in have some options
>start chatting up this cute 19 something in the same uni-town i'm in
>photos are 7/10 but she's tiny as fuck
>looks like she weighs maybe 85lbs and claims she's 4'9"
>decide to meetup at this shitty club cause its the "in" place right now
>could be the makeup or the dark lighting but she seems like a 9/10 and is exactly as small as she claimed
>have an actually fun night and feel better than i have in a long time
>stumble back to my place cause its a hell of a lot close than the dorms
>drunken making out ensues
>mostly just wild flailing and shitty attempts at undressing each other
>notice real quick theres some extra baggage in the panties
>yep. Thats a dick...
>fuck it.
>kinda boring actually but mostly because we were too drunk for proper anything
>decide to go wash-up second the light turns on in the bathroom and my eyes fully focus i notice i'm covered in watery shit
>not even sure how the hell I didn't notice this happening
>stumble to my bedroom
>turn the lights on
>its like a fucking warzone and the epicenter is still leaking toxic waste
>fuck it.
>shower and crash on my couch
>come to the next day and vomit more from disgust than the alcohol still left in me
>beds absolutely ruined right down to the box
>notice a $20 on my nightstand with "Sorry!" Written on it
>notice some clothes are missing and someone left the water running in my shower for who knows how long
>all totaled had to buy a new club get up, mattress, box, sheets, and scrub brush ontop of preemptive latex sheets just in case from now on
>$4000 total
>still hit the little shit up from time to time who seemed legitimately upset at "herself" over the whole deal and really wanted to show "she" was sorry
Tl;dr Tinder led to Grindr

have to keep a clear head to take advantage of them, and just in case things went south.

Male or female?

>OKCUPID

There's your fucking problem. That's where Tumblr goes to get dates.

Pics?

"$4000 total"

>be me
>16 year old fucking pleb
>just moved to a small town where I'm friends with nobody
>decide to reshape my image
>best way to do that is crush pussy
>thehuntbegins.jpg
>browse tinder and there's 9/10 and 10/10 but I don't match with any
>decided to go on Craigslist
>see a 6/10 20 mins away
>she's "27" but agrees to have sex
>convince my parents to leave for the day
>hear a knock at my door
>at least 40 year old fat trailer trash and her husband show up

Cont in next post

Yh right... how did you smoke weed in a hooka café and how the fuck did you smoke without inhsling? Bullshit!

Google King Tempur-Pedi Cloud.
Of?

Female

>oh FUCK I was not ready for this
>"you ready to go Bay-Bee"
>her husband keeps staring at me
>"is it ok if he watches?"
>I didn't care because I was gonna lose my virginity
>bring her to my bed
>my sister and I shared a room when she came over on weekends so there was a second bed
>husband sat on the other bed
>girl and I go to town
>she can barely keep up with my superior skills I learned online
>eventually cum
>her husband stands up
>"ok now it's my turn"
>he starts fucking her on MY bed
>make a sandwich while they go at it
>come back and he's cumming on my bed sheets
>they pack up and leave
>MFW I JUST NOW REALIZED I CUCKED THIS MANS WIFE

Goddamn.

Broke college niggas be spending like they ain't finna drop into debt

> about 2 years before the "whale incident" (29 years old me)
> be me after army, no sex in 3+ years
> discover OkCupid
> talk to grill 39-40 years old
> she seems nice with a hot body but can't see face
> she wears knee-socks in picture (I have a thing for knee-socks)
> after a week of talk she gives me address asks me to go to her place
> mid of the day visit, hot body 8/10, not very ugly face 3.5-4/10 but looks 45 years old
> 3 bedroom appartment with spacious living room
> but place looks like a dorm more than an apartment of a grown woman
> being the autistic retard that I am start babbling stupid stuff
> she kisses me to shut me up
> start making out feels_good.jpg
> she pulls me to her bedroom
> gets on top of me and starts dry humping me
> I try to strip her: "user no. I have to go in about an hour. You can't sex me today." feels_bad_man.png
> She resumes the dry humping and kissing
> At some point she hits some kind of perfect spot on my dick and I'm about to explode
> Put my hand in my trousers, keep my foreskin tight and cum
> A lot of pressure but it holds
> She starts laughing, I turn red and run to the wc
> Let foreskin go and cum in toilet. Wipe my dick clean and walk back with my head down.
> she seems pretty cool about it but she has to go, I go too.
> I think I blew it.

Continue in next post.

>broke
Nah.
>college
Also nah.
Its a Uni-town. I just picked up living and working here. I'm not actually attending it just has an amazing nightlife, i'm closer to my cabin, and there always seems to be some sort of event or band or some such happening so most days aren't boring plus all this applies to nearby cities.

>this is where satan lives

Fucking hilarious. Kek.

Pigs don't sweat.
>0/10 ruined my immersion

Moar!

what a gigantic faggot

Sounds female but faggot more likely

>I think I blew it

Lost my shit and am still shaking

Don't know what shit hole nazi land your from, hookah bars are chill af let you smoke weed and go in underage, and simple hit the weed and hold it in your mouth blow it out? you never had a friend try to smoke you out on an ounce before? this is what you do to avoid dying.

>magically fall into the lap of a 5'3" 168 lb goddess

Almost 170lb at 5"3 is still fat as fuck and cannot be a goddess 3/10

bump

> she keeps talking to me and doesn't mention the cum incident
> 2 days later she invites me over again
> no chit-chat this time, straight down to business
> after undressing each other I ask: "Condoms?"
> she laughs at me: "You didn't bring any user?"
> FUCK! My retarded autistic self does not know the rules of sexually engaging the opposite sex. Put on trousers and run with a semi-hard cock to the convenient store.
> come back, rush to the room, leave door open
> she still seems cool with me being a complete retard cant_believe_my_luck.jpg
> resume sexual activities
> don't even know what I'm doing but she is guiding me
> first she lays on her back but since I can't find any rhythm she rides me
> she seems to enjoy it for a while then suddenly unrides and turns on her knees
> I know what that means, she wants the doggy thing
> try to guide my dick in her hole and I look at her ass
> blackest thing that I have ever seen in my life
> it was more of a black hole than an arsehole
> can't let that shit keep me from fucking
> make sure that I don't hit the wrong hole and proceed full speed ahead

To be continued...

continue... Also, nice double dubs

Come on you stupid lazy fuck, post some false stories so we can all daydream!

>>use tinder for fun while drinking with friends
>>its what we do before we drink
>>match up with a couple, never meet up or anything.
>>match up with this one chick, and after talking and exchanging pictures after a while i realize she looks nothing like her profile pic
>>slowly stop responing, didn't wanna be an asshole, since we kinda hit it off in the start.
>>fast forward later that week, match up with some other chick
>>really cute face, tattoos, piercings, snow white hair, little chub but in the right places, would rate a 7/10 if you don't mind a lil bit of chub
>>talk for a while but nothing spesific about meeting up or stuff. she seems super chill
>>itstheweekend.png
>>out drinking with mates
>>fuck, is that the first girl who kinda catfished me?!?
>>runlilnigga.exe
>>think she saw me but i turned at the door and went to another bar, continue drinking out the night
>>spot grill number two, approach her, say hello
>>slightly drunk like me, dosn't say anything just drags me in and start making out with me
>>massaging my massive bulge and we eventually make it out of there and head off to the college dorms
>>in the basement where all the other students are drinking having a blast
>>fast forward

>>user im getting sleepy
>>im gonna go.
>>ok? (fuck man was hoping to get my dick wet tongith)
>>come with me
>>showtime
>>finish my glass, shot down the rest of my cup with home made liquor (guess its moonshine in english? idk)
>>walk to her dorm
>>dorms are split up in two sleeping room, and shared enterance / toilet
>>get to her room and she starts teasing me, playing hard to get
>>too fucking drunk so im like "fine, fuck it" and fall asleep
>>wake up next day, banging hangover
>>awkvard as fuck day after
>>well i guess imma go
>>cya around or something
>>on the way out i meet her roomate.
>>ITS THE FUCKING CATFISH
>>i make eye contact and freeze
>>h h h hii user, "sniffle"
>>say not a word for like 10 sec and turn around and exit the building
>>hear her start crying as i exit.
>> cool grill puts one and one together and calls me an asshole

Met a 6/10 17 YO home schooled trailer trash girl about 3 months ago, raw dogged her with her dad in other roomph a few times. Sneaky Fuchs are so intense.

>23 year old me
>Haven't been laid in a few months
>Get desperate and resort to craigslist
>Chat up some chick, looks about 6/10 in her pictures
>Get wasted that night and decide to invite her over
>Turns out she's a fuckin landwhale
>Should have known
>Whatever I'm wasted lets do this
>Wake up next morning hung over, landwhale still present
>Say fuck it and go for another round just for kicks
>Bitch falls in love with me on the spot, wants me to meet her dad and shit
>Took me 2 hours to ditch her clingy ass and never responded to her again
>Never use craigslist again

> doing the doggy thing but she does not have a single layer of fat on her ass
> my pelvic bone starts hurting by hitting on her ass
> I think I'm hitting bone but it may be muscle probably_doing_it_wrong.png
> still she's into it so I can't back down now
> detect movement from the general door area
> look up and see a guy that is walking by the door probably 35 years old
> looks at her then makes direct eye contact with me, smirks and keeps on walking towards the bathroom
> that was weird but paradoxically dick gets harder
> she seems to be cool with the whole situation so w/e
> wrap up the whole sex thing, was good
> don't want to be indiscreet but I have to ask
> "who was that guy that passed by before?"
> "ah! that's my brother! haven't you met him? he lives in the room next door"
> "and he doesn't have problem seeing you naked?"
> of all the questions that I could have asked, this was what came to mind
> not if he minds watching a guy shove a dick in his sister's cunt but if he minds seeing her naked
> anyway she acts like it's no big deal: "No no no. He is really cool. Sometimes he forgets his door open when he is with his girlfriend too."
> turns out there was another roommate, about 42 years old, who was also her ex and who was also really cool walking around while we were going at it
> they were in some kind of anarchist community group thing and people were going in and out of this house whenever and had no issues with privacy
> fucked her a couple more times, then she left for Germany
> no idea if it was my fault

The point of this story Sup Forums is that I'm not some kind of poop/fart racist. If the grill is not a fucking whale, I'm perfectly fine with getting a moderate amount of poop on my dick.

>meet 20 year old grill in dating site
Fake story. Why ? Because even landwhales are demanding on dating websites.
Even a 210 pounds monster can date alpha males nowadays (thanks‚ internet).

if an alpha is dating a gross pig are they really alpha in the first place?

More alpha than this 31 yo greek programmer‚ in any case.

Is Sup Forums a dating website?

Well, heres the story of my first girlfriend
>be me, faggot at 18
>Meet girl online, from china
>Ive never even hugged a girl so im not picky
>Tell her i have tons of money
>Sorta true, have a job as a laborer in my dads company, make 18 an hr
>Shes instantly in love with me
>Tells me all the nasty shit she wants to do with me
>One time i told her i was gunna shove a potsticker up her cunt and eat it out of her
>I might be autistic

Thats not even the end

>2 months in, she tells me she will have to be homeless unless she get 400usd
>Im genuinely worried
>Tell her ill need a week to get a paycheck
>During the week i read about how this guy was catfished by a "girl" in sweden and he lost his life savings
>My 2 braincells fire up and makes a connection
>Decide to spend nearly 200 dollars to overnight her a Polaroid of my bare asshole
>im pretty sure im autistic