How do you defeat a polygraph test?

How do you defeat a polygraph test?

you shit your pants during the test

Valium

I heard flexing/cletching your asshole makes the readings come out in your favor.

lie to yourself and belive you.

close and open your anus, it's not bullshit, it graduates in a different manner your blood pressure and makes the polygraph go crazy.

Believe me user.

don't lie

>Pop the biggest of boners
>Show it off to your interviewers
>If this doesn't make them call off the interview and give you what you want, start offering it to any and all people in earshot

Okay OP, so your options are to shit yourself and play with your asshole, or take some drugs. I'm sure you'll do whatever comes most naturally.

this.

you can ensure that the results of the test don't incriminate you by breaking the polygraph in advance. i suggest using an axe, but bazookas, tanks, etc. might give the desired results as well. there are a number of factors to contribute, like how much collateral loss you are willing to accept.

u literally clench your asshole
also a part of plygraph testing is unplugging u and keep questioning, hopin u gonna slip

So you're saying literally shitting my pants and clenching my asshole will throw off readings? I'm sure the needle will still spike because I'm lying, but they wouldn't be off that carts?

Charts* I mean

Do you clench your asshole the whole time while plugged up to give false positive readings?

By being dead

Be white?

With a hammer

"Clench your anus to affect the readings"... When?
At every single question? Wouldn't that just offset all readings, resulting in the lies being just more exaggerated?
Perhaps clench your anus on every lie, and rest your anus on every truth?

Oh wait, you mean clench your anus from the moment they start, until the moment they stop questioning you? I think they would notice that...

Tell them it's against your religion. Submitting to a polygraph test is acknowledging Scientology is true.

Insofar as they actually work at all (polygraphs are garbage), what polygraphs actually detect is anxiety. That's the key to beating it.

blow a huge fart , the resulting gas should intoxicate the tester to halucinate the wrong readings

Not OP but I have social and general anxiety and take daily medication for it.
Would i be fucked for a polygraph or could I use that to my advantage?
I feel like the law man will catch up with me one day

not a cringe thread you edgey fag

You wouldn't be fucked because they ask you control questions to create a baseline. It could potentially be an advantage if your anxiety levels stay the same.

HAH I get nervous when I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize

Live in a developed nation that realises polygraphs are scientifically unsound and therefore not an acceptable way to gain evidence for a fair trial.

On felony probation in America they are acceptable means of violation. Might not hold water while on trial, but can be used after conviction

Bendodiazapines. Xanax, kalonopin, Valium, whatever you can get you hands on. Take a bunch of it. It will keep you cool

Give the guy administering the test $500

Or better, punch him and the guy asking for the polygraph.

When they ask you the base questions, when you know you are telling the truth, bite the inside of your cheek, or your tongue, whichever is least noticeable.

Then, during the testing, occasionally bite the spot of your choice when you tell the truth, this should help if you need to answer a lie question.

I know this from experience; I was on probation for 4 years and had to take polygraphs every 6 months. Only thing I had to lie about was traveling out of state for work, and drinking the occasional beer.

Anyway, I never failed a test using my method.

It's better to take shit that makes your system go haywire and stresses you out, giving false readings on the baseline questions. You're still going to spike on questions you're lying/stressed about.

Do a bunch of coke or amphetamines or i guess caffeine pills beforehand. It'll fuck up the breathing/galvanic skin response and the heart rate.

I've heard that you think of some terrible lie you told during every question. The terrible lie becomes your baseline. When you actually lie the real lie is hidden in the spike from the terrible secret. Don't know if it works or not. Never had to take a poly. Good luck user.

Maintain a clenched anus to raise your blood pressure. This is your baseline normal reading. Release your anus when you respond truthfully, or, at whatever you want to appear as being the truth. The reduction in blood pressure resulting from your doing this will fool the machine and the analyst. Be consistent and you're home free. Please post nudes now.

>unplugging u and keep questioning, hopin u gonna slip
What?

>I was on probation for 4 years and had to take polygraphs every 6 months
What for?

A lot of probation officers make you submit to a mandatory polygraph test

What did you need one for?

they have special interrogators for polygraph. they tell u they gonna use the device, they run u through the questioning, then they take the sensors off of u and go: ok, so now, that its over, was there anyhting kinda there that u didnt tell me? No drugs at all there? And u go: well, there were some drugs. And then he goes to court and says: he admitted there were drugs involved

They put pads on the seat now that can tell if you're clenching. Don't try it if you see one.

I'm on felony probation, but have never had to take one. If you are say caught drinking and arreated, when you go in front of the judge and tell him you was not drinking he will order a polygraph on the spot, then you will go back into see him with the results

cut off your fingers = no way to get tested!
life hack

With facts. Polygraph test are unreliable as fuck.

TELL DA TROOF NANCY. TELL DA TROOF.

>I'm on felony probation
Why?

4 pounds of cannabis

That's it? Why did you post this image btw?

That was not me, just responding out of personal experience. I'm OP, that was not OP

Be good at lying. Basically a polygraph measures your stress levels. In most people, lying stessing them out.

If you're taking a polygraph for a government clearance, don't lie. You have a better chance in the future if you're honest than if you lied.